AHAHAHAHA!! I HAVE RETURNED!
Seriously though, it has been a long time since I logged on and saw all the tags so thought I might work my way backward here. So here I am again to try to help ya out a bit. I'll try not to go over things that people have already said, but I did just skim the other reviews so if there are any repeats here, my B.
Standard disclaimer, someone tied up my grammar skills and blasted them into space because I don't have them. Second, my words and reviews are about your story and your story alone. As I usually say "I am here for your work, not for you" which all that means if I offend while writing this, know that it's not personal.
Ok, whew. With that out the way, let's get down to business.
1) Dialogue tags might help a little in the beginning to show who is saying what a little more. But that's just a reading and format suggestion, however, I still I thought I would put it out there.
2) Let's talk content here. Now, from reading the comments below, this argument is based on the one you had in real life. Basing your writing on real-life experiences is always a good idea. However, not everything translates from life to book as easily as one might think.
Now, full disclaimer, I do not have a "mental illness" as the term is commonly used. (I do have a brain disorder, but it is a little different. Same medicines though ironically). Because of this, I will try not to make any assumptions. Despite this, I am reviewing this, and I would be remiss in not stating my opinion.
So, here we go. My reviewing style tries to veer people away from any lengthy exposition, and in a way, this scene feels similar to spoken exposition. The primary reason behind this, in my opinion, is the chunks of information that each character says all in a row. I know it might be different from what exactly happened, but some more back and forth would let you get all that information out over time, and actually would increase the tension in the scene. Emma's situation and her sister's ignorance would only become increasingly more apparent if you give it time to grow. An argument with a lot of interaction on both sides, with a ton of back and forth, is really engaging. So, I would advise drawing it out a little and add more interaction. The topic can stay the same, all the information will get out by the end and you'll be golden.
3) Moving right along, I am also a stickler for pacing. Things move a little to fast here. We barely get any time to know Grim, who He/she is, what he/she is like. Personality and traits are also absent. The whole interchange between Death and Kap is way, way to fast. This is master of the dead here, right? The reader needs to know more about Death before he/she meets Emma so that you have two quasi-developed characters (AKA characters with room to grow). This serves to make relationships interesting and more "real" (if that makes any sense).
Also, the idea of Emma being super happy right from the get-go to see the grim reaper had me scratching my head. Not that she wouldn't be super happy about it, but she barely seems taken aback. I mean if Jesus Christ came to my room and had come to deliver me, I would no doubt be happy, but at first, I would be taken aback. Like "Oh my god, this is real!" Awe and shock, followed by joy would seem to be the best reaction here. Well, I mean it's sorta there, but draw that out a little more so we really get a feel of Emma's mind and thoughts.
4) On that note, just overall slow the pacing down a bit. Give more time for interactions and development. My suggestion is to try to make it a close to real life as possible. Relationships, especially friendships, can be hard to form right off the bat.
5) My main question(s) that this work left me with was: What makes Emma so different? Billions of dead and somehow she is different? Why didn't the Grim Reaper do the job and bounce?
6) Death's personality seemed, weird, yet interesting. Still, I felt like this version of death was a little more "green". Now, let me explain that. This is Death, an immortal being who guides souls to eternity. I would have loved to see him/her be a little more world-weary. This iteration seems a little, for lack of a better term, inexperienced. I know that's probably not exactly what you meant to do, but it still felt as if Death was surprised by things that should have happened many times over. I would recommend a powerful, and rare, reason that Death sticks around. But, all of that is just my personal opinion, and you are free to do as you see fit.
Aight, I'll end it here. You are rolling with good stuff here. Emma has great potential for development, and your concept is engaging and entertaining. Brings back fond memories of the Grim Adventures of Bill and Mandy I used to watch on Cartoon Network, but with a unique and original idea. Credit where credit is due there. 
If I offended, well, se la vie. If you need me to clarify anything just ask!
I will hopefully get to review more of your stuff.
Stay easy,
Jimmy
Points: 1508
Reviews: 52
Donate