Heres my story for Lumi's Beatles contest! Hope you enjoy! ((I will be using a few of the characters from my novel, Something More, Something Unique Chapter 1!
Nayleth's POV
"You guys suck," I said while flipping a penny round and round on the table top of the cafeteria. Students crowded the place but me, J, Sully and Griffin normally preferred the pub, Hail and Scale. Too many people here.
Griffin snorted. "But I am still your favorite." and grabbed the penny from where it spun like a ladle.
Food flew past me, smelling like a mixture of mashed potatoes, orange juice and peas. It smelled horrible. Griffin scrunched his nose up, smelling the foul mixture too.
Earlier in the day, I had to clean out the Demonake pens, (five foot, t-rex armed snakes with horns), and Griffin decided it would be a good idea to throw snowballs at me from the recent snow storm. Then J joined. Then Sully. Do you realize how hard cleaning out a Demonake pens? Because it's hard.
Needless to say, I was drenched with melted snowballs and covered in Demonake feces when we came in for lunch. Washing up didn't take too long though.
"Well, your all my favorite but next time I get the chance to cover you guys in Demonake feces, I’ll do it." I replied while stuffing half a brownie into my mouth.
Mark, the headmaster of this school, strolled in, sitting down beside me. Heads turned at this but by this time, we were all used to it. Mark seemed to like us.
"Sup Keepers? Wulfers?" he asked and grabbing the other half of my brownie. He likes to steal food. Can't really argue though. And Keepers? That's what me and Griffin are.
"Good. They made cleaning the pens difficult but I will get them back. We didn't have time to head to the pub." But the moment I said time, Mark smiled.
He likes to do us little favors and by that I mean if we are late for class or something similar, he either freezes time or takes us back in time. It's his power. Being the Timekeeper.
All metaphorms look like tattoos but if we use them, they become real. Some have full-bodied ones while others only have small parts of one. Full-metas and part-metas. Then you've got the four celestials. Time, Space, Holy and Abis. We are called Keepers. Simple, no?
Now we sat in the pub, glasses of Coca-Cola, Pepsi and Bluemoon scattered the table. Fun fact about full metas: We can't get drunk. Alcohol doesn't affect us.
But then The Beatles song, Wonderful Christmas Time came on. I knew where this was going.
"Mark, don't do-" But it was too late. Mark also likes to randomly put us in different time periods. He once took us to the date June 6, 1944. D-Day. In the middle of battle at Normandy. He said it was for our history lesson. He doesn't even teacher history here! That's my uncle's job!
We were in the middle of a street, Mark hiding us behind a vale of... something. It kept of us hidden from those in the past.
The street was called Penny Lane. A barber shop had a man giving haircuts, talking to those he knew while people stopped to say hello. A banker was in a motor car, while children giggle with lollies in hand.
A firetruck rolled on by, extremely clean. The men shouted and hollered, the group of children being noisy on-lookers. A woman was selling flowers, poppies to be exact. It all seemed familiar...
Rain began to pour from the blue suburban skies, firemen running and the Banker heading toward the Barber for a trim. It was all an odd scene but then I realized what this was like.
“Penny Lane.” I whispered and hummed the tune under my breath as two boys passed by and waited by a bus stop.
The one whistled a tune, the other humming alone. It sounded similar to Yellow Submarine, a broken version of it. The boys looked scraggly and small but joyed filled there eyes like an over-flowing tub.
My smile grew wider.
“Abbey Road?” I asked, cocking my head toward Mark who just smiled along with me, one of his hands resting on his stomach. I guess he hadn’t intended to find these two here. It was a pleasant surprise.
I looked over at J who was as confused as Sully, both of them sporting matching confused looks. Eyebrows furrowed, eyes wide and lips in a frown. Griffin, on the other hand, was smiling alongside us.
I stepped out of the vale, my clothes immediately changing to that of the era.
I looked around. I held the penny in my hand, the not-so-copper object getting covered in rain. My hair was clinging to my neck and my clothes were almost soaked. The rain was falling hard.
“Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes, There beneath the blue suburban skies. I sit, and meanwhile back. Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes, There beneath the blue suburban skies. Penny Lane!” I sang the last of lyrics out loud, but just soft enough that none could hear.
This was a childhood, cherished and loved. This is how they should be. Innocent and carefree. This song was the joy of writers who composed it, their childhood and what they clearly remembered from it. If only mine was like that…
Mark looked over at me, a twinkle in his eyes but pain was hiding behind it.
“Wanna head back?” he asked.
“No. I want to cherish this moment for as long as possible.” I replied, back in the vale. I watched as the two boys, who later become living legends, ride away in a bus, laughter filling the air.
And then the vale left.
The childhood was gone. The past was the past, and now was now. And Mark laid beside us, clutching his stomach.
Foam fell from his mouth. He had pushed himself too much. And he wasn’t okay, mentally. Another Keeper always knows when another is not.
He was dying.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hi Flum!
As promised, here is your review. I understand these are characters from a novel you wrote? I'm glad this contest gave you the opportunity to flesh them out a little bit more, but since I haven't read your novel, I'm just going to review this in terms of how it stands on its own as a short story.
I have to give you props for giving up with a unique premise for your story. While kids traveling through time is something that has been done before, I think it really fits both the whimsical tone of the song and the world I can tell you've put a lot of thought into creating. I really like how they hear Beatles music and then go back to Penny Lane. I don't know if you're aware but Wonderful Christmastime was a solo Paul McCartney song - it didn't come out until the 80s.
Anyway, I think the strongest part of your story is this:
I think this perfectly encapsulates why I think this song connects with so many people. Even though it's so specifically about Paul McCartney's childhood, many people can relate to the sense of wistfulness for their youth. I had a writing professor who said the more specific something gets the more relatable it becomes, and I think that definitely applies here.
However, I think there's a lot more you can do with this premise. I'm a little unsure how old your characters are supposed to be, but Paul and John were both very young when they met (I think 15) and George was even younger. So they seem to be just about the age of your characters if not slightly older. Maybe Nayleth could not even recognize them at first. Do the boys exchange words with them? I think there's a lot you can still do with this premise.
I was a little confused by the ending, it kind of seemed like it came out of nowhere after such a peaceful, fun story.
I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions. Thank you so much again for entering!
Hi there! I'm going to leave a review, and I hope it helps!

Since rawrafied already went into the grammatical errors, I won't bother reiterating them. However, I see that you use the word 'vale,' which I believe should be replaced by the word 'veil.' It makes more sense in the context of the story. I am incredibly intrigued by the concept of this story, and everything seems greatly thought out, as far as I can tell. I would say that after you fix a few issues, this is great! I hope to read more about these characters and the story in the near future!
Thank you! ust check out my portfolio! My story/novel is located there!
Hello Flumadiddle! I'm not familiar with Lumi's contest nor am I able to read the link you posted for "Something More, Something Unique". I did get a delightful "I'm afarid I can't let you do that, Dave" message though. xD And, yes, YWS misspelled "afraid". Thus, I will just be reviewing this for the content as it stands. Hope that's alright. Let's begin, shall we?
Your punctuation and wording combination is confusing me a bit here. The first two sentences imply that Griffin snorted and then said the next quote. But then you have a lower-cased "and" as if you were continuing from 'Griffin snorted'. Which would then be implying he snorted out the quote and then continued doing the action mentioned. Which introduces a contradiction. I would suggest either Capitalizing "and" or changing the periods after "snorted" and "favorite" to commas.
Yeah, I bet. Blegh.
Because you have parenthesis around the text describing what Demonakes are, you don't need the bolded comma here.
The article "a" implies a singular noun, but you're using a plural pens. Either remove the "s" or the "a". Also, missing the verb "is" at the end to clarify the connection between the action of cleaning these pens and the descriptor "hard".
Lmao. Oh, that does sound horrible. xD Good job showing this, rather than just letting us readers rely solely on the narrator's internal whining. Nayleth's complaints are completely justified in my book now.
This should be the contraction you're.
This is a speech tag describing how the quote is being spoken. Should be a comma, instead of a period, after it. This happens consistently through-out the chapter. I'm just going to mention it this one time though. Feel free to ask if you want me to point out the rest of them.
I've inserted what I believe to be a missing "all" here.
Verb-tense inconsistency. Should be "giggled".
First bold: you're saying that the sensation of joy is being acted upon. This makes joy a noun here, not a verb. Thus, this should simply be "joy".
Second bold: should be possessive "their".
Aww, my heart strings. And then the dialogue following this with Mark as well as Nayleth's reply just added to the emotion. Not certain if this is something discussed more within the story "Something More, Something Unique", but it sounds like they're walking in someone else's childhood? And it hurts that Nayleth didn't have one like that? Sort of how an only child looks at kids playing with their siblings and the only child getting sad they don't have that? If so, that's a nice feature of this character.
Woah, this whole scene came out of nowhere. But I like it. Very dramatic ending.
Overall Thoughts:
Your characterization is pretty spot on. Everyone seems very genuine. A lot of this helps with the way you write your monologues and dialogue. This is definitely the highlight of this piece. Now, the headmaster interacting directly with these kids was a little weird. But, you do a pretty good job justifying it as quickly as it happens. For the most part. I'm not certain if this is explained more in the story or not.
I did get a little confused with the time/location movement later on in the chapter. As well as some of the terminology of character's professions (keepers, metas, etc). I'm going to assume reading the other story would've helped. However, my confusion was very minor. It was mostly just in terms of comprehending the weight of these titles. But it seems like you mostly just mentioned them so we readers won't be confused when events unfold later on. If so, then that part was completely fine.
However, just be careful of your grammar. I don't know if these are typos, so I didn't spend too much time explaining why some of these changes needed to occur. Feel free to ask if you want to know why I made the comments on grammar that I did.
Anyways, that's it from me. Hope something from this review helped!
@DemonGoddess @LordTachanka @DarkPandemonium @Irislillygray @Steggy @jimss23 @WhosabellCanWrite @LadyLizz
@Carlymillie
@DemonGoddess @Elinor
Lumi%u2019s Beatles contest? You have a chance to redeem yourself sir %u2014 by posting it in the contest thread.
okkie dokkie!