Wax and Warmth

Hello Flumadiddle. I’ll be reviewing your short story today, and hopefully this will help!

After all, she's candle wax. Hard and smooth.

I found this really plain-spoken. I think you could have delved into this concept and analogy slower and let the reader be introduced in a much less rushed manner. You don’t want to disguise this whole idea, but I’m saying you should probably not feel inclined to bring this up so bluntly a couple sentences into the story.

I can tell right off the bat that some of the wording struggled a little. I’ll point out a couple examples of what I’m talking about but to summarize: you tended to repeat things in the same sentence or connect things awkwardly through links in sentences, by using “and”, etc. Those types of sentences generally were worded strangely. One main representation of this was:

She doesn't cry and it's not the kind of person she is.

This potential of two sentences was linked into one with “and”. I was honestly thinking or alternatives for this because the way this is written simply seems kind of repetitive and unpleasant. I actually think this sentence would be better of without “and” -- it’s just an unnecessary tool to link the two parts together. They do carry the same exact topic so instead I would use semicolon. It’s really my opinion because the way it sounds is troublesome right now but without the conjunction it’s much more seamless.

I went into lots of depth with that so I won’t focus on grammar, spelling, etc. That is definitely going to need work if you are ever going to edit it this. It’s an obvious given though, in most works, haha.

Her eyes were wide, like a doe in headlights.

Love it. Absolutely love it. The imagery was very nicely used but perhaps it could use more? I suppose Dex has a right to be scared -- like a doe in headlights -- though that could use some explanation as to why she is nervous. I think it’s clear why but you didn’t add onto that one small snippet of imagery when you had the chance.

Okay. I wasn’t sure who this Astral guy was until several paragraphs later, when you mentioned a “wax-being” could summon him. Frankly, this could’ve been written better but maybe that was what you were going for, or maybe I misread. I just think that the scene with Dex using chalk could be better written. It was slightly confusing, but I understand after reading.

And then Dex felt her heart melt.

Haha, I get it. A little much but at the same time, also cute. Continuing on the same topic, I’m not sure how I feel about their relationship. It’s pretty adorable yet also… cringey? I don’t know, the scene where Astral asks “So, you rang?” and smiles -- I just react so strangely to those types of moments, haha. It was good progress in their relationship, though.

She's pure white, with empty lines.

The description of this was poor. I read the rest of the paragraph, and it just seemed like you attempted to describe her wax, and then you got tired of writing about her. I think you could put a little more effort into her, because I am interested in what she looks like, just based on the given description it could be better! Also, the timing of when you paused to describe Dex was unexpected. I think this should be moved to earlier on in the story, because it doesn’t fit well with the rest of the scene.

Dex nodded her head, running her hands through her hair.

Wait, hair? I’m not sure how you’re imagining these wax-beings but a wax candle with hair? I’m not sure how I feel about this.

Would he melt her?

This question has been repeated several times throughout the story and I’m honestly *tired* of it. I mean, after two times this line starts to get old, though I do want to have empathy for the characters, it’s slightly repetitive.

So then, we get to the end of this. Your ending has quite a lot of potential. You’re putting out a hook but it could be reworded in order to strengthen it. I would try something like “And then everything clicked together.” or some alternative. When you write those two last sentences as separate lines it becomes repetitive and chunky feeling -- I’m not sure if my explanation is making any sense. I really think the two sentences could be combined into one.

I didn’t like the use of breaking in between sections. The small dashes occurred in several spots and they aren’t needed because the scene doesn’t change. Was there a purpose to these? In addition, I do think some more descriptions wouldn’t hurt this piece. I found it started with much more descriptions and then gradually shifted towards more dialogue, which isn't a bad thing. Balance is always good. But, I did enjoy the whole concept here. It’s honestly kind of simple once you think about it but when reading it at first I thought it was a creative idea. The personification did entertain me, though, and I adored the cute idea of chalk summoning an angel. It was a cute short!

Thanks for sharing your piece, and I hope you will take some of these thoughts into consideration. If you have any questions, don’t be afraid to ask!

Hey there! Lovely story you've got here!

First, the boring nitpicks:

She doesn't cry and it's not the kind of person she is.

I had to read this multiple times before it finally made sense. I think getting rid of and and placing a comma there instead would fix this.

The tip snapped, her sharpening it, then going back,

This wording feels funny, she sharpened and went would both fit and flow better.

lighting

I think this is supposed to be lightning

Now, Dex, you need to understand, isn't regular, yellowish wax. She's pure white, with empty lines. Cravesses, really. Like patterns but never filled. It's always bothered her, even more then her being, well, the way she is.

I think this whole section feels kinda funky because you are directing your comment towards the reader. This detail could be added in a different way that wouldn't need to feel so out of place.

This is a very interesting start, and from the very first line, I was pulled in. I do feel like the ending felt rushed in part. I feel like Ashtral spoke pretty fast after her revelations when you could have spent more time letting him take in the situation. Otherwise though I loved it.

I hope this review is helpful to you in your writing endeavors.

Sláinte -Junel