He was weakened but not broken, suffering but persistent. Death loomed before him, painful memories behind. Every corner concealed harrowing mysteries. Still, he charged forth, never backing down from a challenge.
Freddie Mercury was made to fight and sing through each duel. He accepted his purpose with bravery, even as illness devoured what was left of his mortal life.
But such a spirit cannot be diminished. Legends never die. Flesh is a mere barrier between now and eternity, where Freddie’s immortal soul lives on.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
Hi there! I'm che, or green, and I'm here to give a quick review!
First, I loved this! I might be bias because i also love Freddie Mercury aha. I like how it reads almost like a story about his life. I loved the imagery! It was really vivid and beautiful. You had some lovely metaphors.
I don't have any criticisms in terms of content however I do have some in terms of structure. I think that it would be better to break it up so that each sentence is on a different line, like a regular poem. Kinda like what Elinor mentioned in their review.
Consider starting the poem with his name and then using 'he' throughout.
That way, it's still in three distinct parts but looks like a poem.
Hope this helps
Keep writing!
Hey FlamingHomosexual!
I thought I would drop by to review your poem. Personally I love Freddie Mercury, and noticed your icon when I saw that you followed me the other. He was a true legend, which makes me happy to see that you wrote a poem about him.
Welcome to YWS.
It seemed like something kind of wonky happening with your formatting, which made this a little bit difficult too read as a poem. I'm not sure if this is what you intended, but check out what I did here.
I think this poem is well written and does a good job of communicating the fact that even though Freddie ultimately got sick and died, he will be loved forever because of the music he created with Queen.
Something I remember reading was that when Freddie sick, he pushed on as long as he was able to keep recording. When he wasn't able to do that anymore, he didn't have much of a reason to live anymore and died soon after his last recording session. I'm wondering you could touch on that somehow, and speak of his illness in more vague terms. To me the music is what defines him, not how he died.
Let me know if you have any questions. Great work!
Cheers,
Elinor