There's no water around me,
but I'm suffocating in it's grasp.
The pressure of the ocean
is overtaking.
It's crushing me,
telling me to let go.
I'm tempted to.
I want to.
But the icy waters
aren't done with me yet.
The waves are tossing,
to and fro.
I'm a rag doll in their hands.
I have no control.
Deeper and colder,
I plunge into the depths.
Until I've reached the bottom,
and now there's nothing left.
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
Hello! Zhia here and I am going to review this poem!
First off, I love this. It gives really good imagery and feeling. Yes, dramatic is the right category for this.
Second, is this all meant to be one big stanza, or was it meant to be more? I thought that it might have been a little easier to break it up into stanzas, maybe like this?
'There's no water around me
But I'm suffocating in it's grasp.
The pressure of the ocean
Is overtaking.
It's crushing me,
Telling me to let go.'
And then maybe that's where a new stanza starts?
So my interpretation of the poem: I am so tired with life. There Is too much pressure on my shoulders (in a manner of speaking) and I just am done with it all. (Depression? Is this what it's describing?) I am depressed. I am just a shell of my old self. Is that true? Correct me if I'm wrong.
I loved this poem. I would rate it 9.5 out if ten.
Thanks for an AMAZING read.
Signing out,
Zhia
I feel so cold after reading this. I can imagine myself drowning in the ocean as I'm reading this. That's a good thing because you want your readers to feel what is happening. That's called good imagery, and this is what you have. You chose the right words to write for this poem. I can't wait to see more good work from you. Keep it up.
Hey there! Thewriter13 here for a review!
I like this poem. It's well written. I was just at the beach today and I totally feel what you wrote literally. But I also understood what you wrote metaphorically.
So I'll go through nitpicks, then praise, and then what needs to be worked on.
Let's get started, shall we? *cracks knuckles*
Nitpicks!
it's should be "its" because it's possessive. Typo
I felt this sentence (yes, it's separated in lines, but it's still a sentence) ends abruptly. Overtaking what? Overtaking whom? Just curious. I know it's overtaking the speaker, but you might want to be more specific.
I don't think this comma was needed. I understood you might have wanted to add a pause, but the pause doesn't seem right here. Maybe take out the comma? Only a suggestion.
Just curious, was this rhyming intentional? Because depth and left sort of rhyme, which is why it felt out of place in the poem. This poem is free style, and then to throw in some
maybe unintentionalrhyming kind of shifts the mood. (but only a little bit)Personally I wouldn't worry about it, but I was only pointing it out.
Praise
So this poem had some good imagery in it! The metaphor here to describe this dark time you went through is well done.
What Needs to be Worked On
So though your imagery was good, I really felt nothing. I'm reading this poem, but I'm not feeling it. I understand it but, you get the point. Try and add more raw feelings to it, if you'd like. Some more description. The poem is fairly short, why not try adding onto it?
Just some suggestions, but you don't have to take any of them.
8.5/10
Great job and keep writing!