Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
I sat in a chair studying myself in the bathroom mirror. My brown hair was tied up in an intricate bun and my plain brown eyes stared back at me. Freckles danced across my cheeks and a scar from a sledding accident lingered just below my hairline. Behind me Haley poked and prodded at my hair with what felt like iron needles. As she dug down once again I yelped and jumped away in pain. Giving her a stern look, I attempted to protest.
“Haley!” I exclaimed, a sharp edge to my voice. She simply looked back and me and smiled while responding. “Sammy. Your hair is being more difficult than my algebra class! It's not my fault you have to endure pain for beauty.” She spoke dramatically, waving her arms around for good measure. I smiled to myself at her spunky behavior.
“Are you excited for tonight?” Haley was starting to putting the finishing touches on my now smoothed out hair.
“I guess…” I sighed. I had never been the party type, and now I was going to a prom. My sister was more excited for me than I was.“I’m just nervous, that’s all.”
Haley stopped working on my hair, satisfied with her creation. “Well, don’t be. You look beautiful! Plus you got a hot date! This will be a night to remember!” She looked away dreamily and I couldn't help but laugh at her enthusiasm.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was awoken from my dream as cold water splashed on my face.
“Time to get up sunshine. You’ve got a crowd waiting.”
I took in my surroundings. I was in what seemed to be a backstage area with girls all around me. They ranged from small children, to woman that looked like mothers. All were dressed in similar outfits as I, a simple and plain black dress. To everyone's left, a black curtain hung menacingly. I watched the girls around me momentarily as they all eyed the curtain with disdain and apprehension.
Just as soon as I was able to take in my surroundings and wipe the cold water from my face, an arm gripped mine. It lifted me up off the ground and shoved a dirty old rag into my hands.
“Wipe yourself off.” The voice demanded. As soon as I did I looked up only to come face to face with a smirking Derek. I scowled up at his towering frame and spit once again in his face, angry that he had knocked me out once again. His hand twitched like he was about to slap me, but stopped himself. “Just another 5 minutes and you will be out of my hair. Then you may finally learn your place slave.”
At his words, anger course through me. “For the last time, I am not a slave!” I practically screamed this into his face. At my words, other girls turned to me to stare. Their looks varied from threatening glares to terrified expressions for my their own safety. With an exasperated sigh Derek left my side, while mumbling something under his breath.
Soon enough the activity behind stage got more and more hectic, and girls were dragged out in front of the curtain. I watched as a few of the girls attempted to run for an exit, but they never made it far. Guards were standing only feet apart, watching us like prey. You'd think that there would have been some sort of organization, but girls were scattered around backstage, simply awaiting someone to pick them up and haul them in front of the curtain.
Everything in my body was screaming at me to find a way out of this place. But as I watched more and more girls being stopped by guards, I felt a wave of hopelessness come over me. I could attempt to hide in this tiny room, but there was no guarantee I wouldn't be found. In fact, I probably would be found and beaten for stepping out of line.
Not another minute had passed before an all too familiar hand gripped my upper arm. “Don’t you try anything stupid, doll.” Derek roughly took my arm and lifted me off the ground, not waiting for me to catch my footing. I stumbled alongside him for a minute, before he paused at the edge of the curtain. “If you do something stupid, and no one wants you, well lucky me I get to take you home and finally have a taste of you.” He whispered the words in my ear, sending chills up my spine. I considered making a run for it right then, but before I could take another breath I was being carted on stage.
I don’t know what I was expecting the stage or the crowd to look like, but it was nothing like this. I was on a beaten down old wooden platform, hardly something you could call a stage. The audience in front of me was a variety of men and women with vacant and amused stares. There was no screaming or cheering coming from my audience, only the occasional whisper.
By the time I was in the middle of the beaten down platform, all eyes were on me. I cringed at the hungry expressions that bore into me. Each set of their eyes bore into my soul, seeming to extract the fear and desperation I was feeling. Derek must have seen the hunger in the audiences eyes, for he proceeded to introduce me with great enthusiasm.
“Here we have lovely Samantha! As I’m sure you can probably all smell, her blood is some of the sweetest around. This girl has no family and no friends, which means you won’t have to hide her too carefully, and she doesn't have much to fight for." Derek stated matter of factly. I bent my head low at his words, taking them to heart. It was true. I didn't have anything to fight for. Despite the horror I was feeling, Derek continued on without hesitations. "And lastly, don’t let this girl fool you, she can be quite feisty at times. She is new in this trade, and needs a strong master to tame her! Let’s start the bidding, shall we?” I cringed again at the word 'bidding.' I really was no more than a piece of meat, now.
Calm voices started to ring out around me. There were no shouts, just raised hands and steel voices barely above a whisper. At the raise of a hand, they spoke their price and left it at that. As far as I could tell, there wasn't even any arguing.
I think it would have been better if they were shouting.
Their calm demeanor's scared me witless. Maybe it was because I was searching for some sign of humanity in this place. Maybe it was because I wanted some sort of mercy from these animals. But all my eyes beheld were a ruthless and sadistic crowd, who couldn't wait to get their hands on me. As I stared into the eyes of each of the creatures before me, fear completely overcame me. Despite my best efforts, tears started to flow from my eyes. Because my hands were held behind my back, I couldn't cover my face or the tears that were now falling freely. I settled to bow my head to my chest, and try to drown out the steel voices around me.
After a little while Derek roughly raised my arm and led me offstage. Since I had lost the will to walk, he dragged me across the floor. We made our way through a few hallways, before he opened the door to a lone and beaten down room. “Congratulations doll. You’re new master will be here to pick you up shortly.” Without a word of comfort, he left me in the dark and wet room.
I couldn't help his words replay in my head, over and over again. Your new master will be here to pick you up.
So it was true. There really was nothing I could do about it. My freedom was just sold for who knows how much, and my fragile and pathetic life was now placed in the hands of some monster.
I tried to stifle a sob as the real name of what these creatures were crossed my mind. The word was lurking in the back of my mind, but I couldn't bring myself to say what they were. I still held on to some sort of sick hope that I was dreaming about that part.
After a few minutes, I moved to the corner of my new cell. I brought my knees up to my chest, hugging myself tightly. I tried to breathe long and deep breaths, attempting to soothe myself. I tried as hard as I could to stay strong, but I knew it was pointless. Eventually, I let the tears flow.
They came for my dead sister who I never got to say goodbye too, my wonderful parents who I missed every day of my life, and for myself. If I was lucky, I would last a week in this man’s care. Sobs echoed through my body and tears stained my red cheeks. I couldn't do this anymore. I had tried to put on a brave and fighting face but that just wasn't me. I couldn't handle the tortured life of being a slave. I would much rather die here and now. The weight of the past two days had finally come down upon me and I couldn't take it anymore. The only thing I hoped now, was that my new master killed me fast.
After what seemed like an eternity, the door to my rusty old room opened and in stepped a handsome man in his late twenties. He had hair as black as the night itself that contrasted to his milky skin color. He was well built with wide shoulders and a towering frame that had to be at least 6 foot tall.
“My my, what do we have here?” The man’s voice was smooth and toxic. I watched in horror as his monstrous frame advanced towards me. The closer he drew to me, the further I buried myself into my corner. It was the only sanctuary I had, and I wasn't planning on leaving it by will.
The man before me had other plans. In less than a second, I was whipped out of my corner and forced to stand before my new master. He held both of my wrists in one of his hands, using the other to push me against the hard wall. I felt his push against my shoulder skyrocket me backwards, with my head hitting painfully of the concrete wall. Once he had me trapped, he took his free hand he lifted my chin upwards to look into his eyes. As I stared into his deep burgundy eyes, I felt a hatred and disgust towards me like I had never felt in my life. Just from his stare I felt worthless and defeated. Despite all my protests tears started once again to stream down my face. As one slid across my cheek my master dropped my wrists and wiped it away with his thumb. I flinched at his cold hand against my cheek and he laughed. It was a smooth and deadly sound. “Let us leave, slave. There is a long drive home and I’m quite thirsty.” With those words he grabbed my wrists and tied them with rope. The rough texture dug into my skin, and I knew there would be bruising and cuts when-if-the rope was removed. I had no choice but to walk behind my master, as he carted me behind him like a newly bought horse.
I sat in the seats of an expensive car, rope binding my wrists behind my back. I could tell by feel that I wasn't sitting next to the door and window, but instead next to an icy cold body. As if this wasn't enough discomfort for me, my new master's solid hands kept caressing my hair. With each touch from his hand I flinched and tried to hold back a gasp.
I don’t know what it was about this man, but he terrified me. I'm sure he knew it too, and that was why he wouldn't leave me be. He chuckled every time I gasped, taking some sort of sick pleasure from my angst.
I was holding back another flinch, when his voice broke the silence. “Well I was going to wait until we reached home, but smelling you I’ve realized that is just impossible." His tone was light and teasing, with an underlying ferociousness.
Realization of what he was saying hit me, and I tried in vain to struggle out of his iron grasp. Despite my efforts his arms held me close next to him. I felt his large and muscular arms wrap around my body, holding me steady. I started to hyperventilate, and he laughed his toxic laugh once again. Bending down, he tilted my head to the side to expose my bare neck to his mouth. I could feel his breath against my skin and it sent involuntary chills down my spine.
Now whimpering, tears started to escape my eyes once more. Instead of wiping them away this time, the monster that held me in his arms let them flow.
"Please. Please, don't do this." I begged the monster that held me in his arms. As a response, he brought his lips to touch my neck, and not a second later fangs started to emerge and pierce my skin.
The minute they pierced my flesh, it felt as if two hot iron rods had been forced into my skin. They dug deeper and deeper into my neck, causing the feeling to intensify by the second. A scream escaped my lips and a last thought ran through my mind before I blacked out.
I am a vampires slave and there is nothing I can do about it.
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Thank you so much for reading. Please tear this apart!!!! I love all critiques, so don't worry about sounding too harsh.
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Wow, I love it, it's descriptive and I feel for the character. I'm not one for critique, but I saw one error along the way,
"Their looks varied from threatening glares to terrified expressions for my their own safety."
Just the part where the the my and their are put next to each other, it kind of contradicts. Either way, I love what you are doing here. I love horror and the supernatural, and I'm totally feeling this. I will stay tuned for more and I'll follow you. Your story made me cringe at one point when the vampire penetrated the main character in the neck, which was awesome by the way. I will look out for more definitely. I have a horrible attention span but this story kept me wanting more so I appreciate your work, keep it up. I don't know how the main character will survive or get out of this one which puts me in anticipation, and since this is the first chapter I am reading from you, I will go back and look at the others.
Once again, thanks for the good story and good read.
Hello there! So happy to see you've updated this, I thought I was going to have to wait forever for the update! Thanks for notifying me, and I shall carry on with the review.
I shall start with the nitpicks:
" “Haley!” I exclaimed, a sharp edge to my voice. She simply looked back and me and smiled while responding. “Sammy. Your hair is being more difficult than my algebra class! It's not my fault you have to endure pain for beauty.” She spoke dramatically, waving her arms around for good measure. I smiled to myself at her spunky behavior. "
When two people are talking, the dialogue has to be on separate paragraphs so it wouldn't confuse readers. This part was nicely done, only it has to be separated into an independent paragraph once Haley starts talking, at the part where she says "Sammy".
" “Time to get up sunshine. You’ve got a crowd waiting.” "
I would definitely advise, if anybody is calling Samantha a nickname or so, other than "Sammy" and such, for example "sunshine" in the above, it's best to put a capital letter so it becomes "Sunshine". And the punctuation error is that there's no comma before "sunshine".
I noticed that the absence of the comma is also to be applied here:
" His hand twitched like he was about to slap me, but stopped himself. “Just another 5 minutes and you will be out of my hair. Then you may finally learn your place slave.” "
The last two words. Between them, a comma should be present.
" At his words, anger course through me. "
Slight error there: the 'd' at the end of 'course' was forgotten xD without the 'd', it is considered present tense, and your story is written in past tense.
" I am a vampires slave and there is nothing I can do about it. "
Another slight error, but it's very noticeable since it's the last line. "vampires" should be "vampire's".
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Alright, so there were parts I could not help but adore!
" Their calm demeanor's scared me witless. Maybe it was because I was searching for some sign of humanity in this place. Maybe it was because I wanted some sort of mercy from these animals. But all my eyes beheld were a ruthless and sadistic crowd, who couldn't wait to get their hands on me. "
It was a brilliant description of the crowd from Samantha's point of view. A powerful way, especially when she compared them to animals, and when words like 'ruthless', 'sadistic' and 'humanity' were used. These simple yet deep-cutting words gives the reader a good idea of how scared "scared me witless" really was.
" So it was true. There really was nothing I could do about it. My freedom was just sold for who knows how much, and my fragile and pathetic life was now placed in the hands of some monster. "
These simple sentences have such a heavy meaning. The weight of painful realization just comes crashing to the reader with the melancholic words and feeling.
Other than that, there was also beautiful imagery, such as:
" They ranged from small children, to woman that looked like mothers. All were dressed in similar outfits as I, a simple and plain black dress. To everyone's left, a black curtain hung menacingly. I watched the girls around me momentarily as they all eyed the curtain with disdain and apprehension. "
And, comparison, like:
" I had no choice but to walk behind my master, as he carted me behind him like a newly bought horse. "
It was really nice.
And I loved the part near the ending...her fear, anxiety...how she begged for him to stop-- it totally just broke my heart, and pity doesn't begin to describe what I feel for your character. And that last line...what a cliffhanger!
Alrighty then, that's all there is to my review. Another awesome chapter ^_^ I look forward to more...and, I'll go review on the second chapter of Knight In Shining Armor!
~Brunnera
Hi, FiguringOutLife. This is Pinkie here for review. Excuse me as I put on my glasses *puts on pink glasses*


I like this chapter. The story line is very interesting. I also love the main character. She is very engrossing to read about. I felt sorry for her and I hope she will be a brave survivor throughout the whole story. However, it has many nitpicks on here. It need some descriptions on the paragraphs for me to show me the image of what is happening in the story. Well, I am kind of hooked of it. This is a good masterpiece. I like to read more from it. I hope you write the next chapter. Have a great night!
Good Job!
Cheers
Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13
Absolutely love this story! You were perfectly descriptive and you painted a crystal clear mental image in my head. You conveyed the charters' personalities without doing to obsessively. I can defiantly see checking this book out at the library some day! Best of luck, keep writing!
Hello, love! Aurora here with a quick review for you! I haven't read the previous chapter, so you'll excuse me if I mess something up due to that
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Nitpicks first, yes?
“I guess…” I sighed. I had never been the party type, and now I was going to a prom.
Take out the 'a' before prom. It's not needed, and it just sounds weird.
My sister was more excited for me than I was
Take out the 'for me'. It would just read better if you choose to do that
“Time to get up sunshine. You’ve got a crowd waiting.”
Comma after 'up'.
They ranged from small children, to woman that looked like mothers.
Woman should be women.
Just as soon as I was able to take in my surroundings
Too repetitive, especially since you start the last paragraph nearly the same way. Change 'take in my surroundings' to 'looking around', or something different.
Their calm demeanor's
Demeanor's should be demeanors
You’re new master will be here to pick you up shortly.”
You're should be your.
The rough texture dug into my skin, and I knew there would be bruising and cuts when-if-the rope was removed.
The rough texture dug into my skin, and I knew there would be bruising and cuts when -if-the rope was removed.
You're missing a space
I am a vampires slave and there is nothing I can do about it.
First, you randomly switch to present tense. 'Am should be 'was', and 'is' should be 'was' as well. Also, vampires should be vampire's
End of nitpicks.
I really like this concept. the only thing is that this particular idea has been done a lot, and you'll be hard-pressed to come up with something new. I feel so sorry for your MC, and I think she'll change to be wonderfully brave. The only thing is that you should add more description of her surroundings once she walks on stage. Also, put more fear in her thoughts at the beginning. Until I realized she was about to be sold, I thought this was a dance recital or something.
Keep persisting, love.
Aurora