z

Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

Take Me Instead - Chapter 2

by FiguringOutLife


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

I landed head first after being thrown into the room. I gawked at the scene of terrors in that lay in front of me.

In front of me was a still and lifeless body. The last of the body's blood puddled around the girl as it leaked from the multiple wounds in her stomach and neck. Her arms and legs lay bent sideways and backwards. Greasy and blood soaked blonde hair surrounded the girls once radiant face. This girl had obviously been beaten, tortured, and killed.

It pained me to admit, this disheveled memory of a girl was my sister.

I screamed and crawled towards her body to check for an obviously dead pulse. I sobbed into her chest as her blood started to trickle around me. Looking into her eyes, I saw nothing. The eyes that once were so popular and funny, thrived around people and partied every night were now full of blank and eternal nothingness.

"Haley..." I bent over her body and cried into her chest. "No, please...don't leave me." I gathered her in my arms and held her close, praying she would return to me.

Sobs racketed through my body. This was my sister, all I had left. We had been through so much together and had planned to go through so much more. Now she was dead and all those hopes were gone.

"Haley! Please don't do this to me!" My cries for my sister to return grew louder and more desperate. I held her broken body in my arms, shaking her frantically. She couldn't be gone. If she were truly dead, I would have nothing left. Haley was the last of my family. If she was gone, then I was truly alone in this world.

As another shriek left my body, I sensed the men moving around me. Knowing my time with Haley was limited, I stared at her one last time through my tear soaked eyes. I combed her hair out of her face and wiped away what blood I could. I looked into her eyes, praying one last time she wasn't really dead.

"Haley..." I whispered softly while burying my face in her hair.

Suddenly, I felt Haley being pulled from my grasp. I screamed at whatever force was pulling her away from me, not yet ready to let her go. I felt someone tearing me away from the grip I had on her, and I thrashed wildly trying to be rid of their grasp. Another cry escaped me when Haley left my arms. I knew I would never see her again.

Just as the sound left my mouth, a sharp pain hit the side of my head.

Then everything went black.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two men were talking in quiet voices around me.

"We will definitely get big bucks for this one. She's gorgeous and has no family left! Plus she's a fighter." One rough voice rang out.

A quieter voice answered, seemingly unsure. "I don't know. She seems a little unstable to me."

I focused as much as I could on their voices, but despite my best efforts they started to slur together. Instead of trying to make out what the voices were saying, I attempted to call out for my sister.

"Haley..." I mumbled softly, not even sure if the words actually left my lips. "Hay..." I spoke louder, but was unable to finish the word before an excruciating throbbing came from my head. I moaned, trying to drown out the pain and get someone's attention. I needed to see if Haley was alright.

I heard the voices getting louder, signaling they were coming closer to me. My eyes felt like cinder blocks, and I tried unsuccessfully to open them. Suddenly, a sharp, needle like pain hit my arm. I tried lifting my head as my world danced around me. I felt the world spinning and before I could make another sound, my head hit the concrete floor with a thud.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I awoke to harsh hands grabbing my arms and shaking me. Opening my eyes I saw the figure of a man in his thirties lingering over me. His messy brown hair hung loose on his head and forest green eyes pierced my blue ones. His rough hands shook me once more making me sit up.

Groggily, I sat up and leaned against the hard wall behind me. The throbbing on the side of my head was worsening by the minute, and it took every ounce of energy to keep my eyes open. When my vision finally focused, I saw I was in a concrete room with two other men. There was a large red stain in the middle of the floor, it's crimson color standing out against the white concrete. On either side of the room we were in, there was two rectangle windows shining light and casting shadows.

As I took in everything before me, my vision started to dance once more. My eyes grew heavier and threatened to let the blackness of sleep engulf me. Before I could back out again, I felt something wet being thrown over me. It was freezing cold and snapped me back into reality, where I saw all the men in the room staring at me.

"Finally awake?" The one with the brown hair that woke me taunted. "About time."

I gawked at the stranger, trying to understand if he was joking. "You knocked me out and drugged me. what do you expect?" My tone was dull and monotonous, reflecting what I felt. Inside I was barren and dead. I knew Haley was gone, the only thing left of her was the blood stain in front of me.

"Don't you talk back to me." The man's voice grew heated.

I lifted my eyes up to meet the man's, giving him a look that let him know I didn't care. I shook my head and kept quiet, having no desire to open my mouth anyway.

I watched the men before me begin to talk amongst each other. I didn't bother to try and listen to what they had to say. There was no point. There was no point to anything anymore. Haley and my parents were gone, and I had nothing to live for.

Despite my best efforts, tears started to fill my eyes at the thought of Haley. "What have you done with her?" My voice suddenly rang out, surprising everyone in the room, including myself.

The men turned to look at me, malice now filling their expressions. I saw the one with brown hair roll his eyes, and turn away from me. The other shook his head slightly, then turned his back to me. I stared at the two men in shock, a spark of rage starting to ignite within me.

"What did you do with her?" I furiously shouted at the men. When they refused to acknowledge what I was saying, something snapped within me.

"You're both monsters. Haley didn't deserve to die. She was barely 16, with an entire life ahead of her. A life that you took away." Venom dripped from my lips as I spat the words at the men.

The man with the brown hair and forest green eyes spoke to me. He stayed standing across the room, but his overpowering frame made it seem like he was yelling in my ear.

"What did I say about talking back?" He growled, while starting to advance towards me. The other man stuck out his arm and stopped him, giving him a look of warning. He mumbled something I couldn't hear, then began to walk towards me. His short black hair and deep blue eyes accentuated his pale features.

"I think it's best if you listen to him, Samantha." I cringed when he said my name. "You should know, we've thought this through. You're family is dead, and you have no one left. Meaning, no one will come looking for you. It's perfect for us." The man was now kneeling in front of me. He drew closer and closer to me, lifting me up by my arm. As he made me stand, my vision danced again and the pounding in my head grew fiercer.

I was now standing before the man, trying with everything I had to stay standing. Despite my best efforts, my legs began to fail me and I fell into the man's arms.

He chuckled lightly as he caught me in his muscular arms. "You have no one, Samantha. No one will miss you. No one will come looking for you. That combined with your beautiful looks will price out nicely."

As he said these things he drew nearer to me until he was barely a centimeter apart from my face. Without warning his dirty hands started to snake around my waist and pull me close to him.

"Let. Go. Of. Me." He now had me pushed up against a wall and had started to close any distance between us. His disgusting monstrous hands moved up my back. I shoved with all my might against him, to no avail. The arms that were caressing my back now, had been the same ones to torture and kill my sister just earlier today. In this moment, I wanted nothing more than to be as far away from this man as possible. I tried again in vain to shove him off me.

He chuckled, a deep throaty laugh. The kind that sends chills down your spine. The kind that gives you nightmares. "You have no power against me silly girl." He brought his face next to mine once again and I glared into his dark blue eyes. They only held amusement.

"That's enough, Nate." A voice I recognized forcefully said.

The man-Nate- let a smirk play on his lips and ran a hand through his short black hair as he laughed. "Just having a little fun, Derek."

Finally, Nate let me go. I looked up and standing in the doorway I was thrown through just a couple hours ago stood Haley's boyfriend-Derek. He stood there and studied me. I was breathing heavily from the rage bubbling up inside my body and my fists were clenched ready to attack him.

"Derek. You were behind this. You murdered my sister!"

"Yes, doll, I did." His eyes held no sorrow for what he had done. He just continued to stand in the doorway and study me.

"Well why?!" Tears were threatening to spill over my eyes but I held them back. I couldn't let them see me weak.

"It's simple really. We were going to let her go-just after we had a little fun of course." He mused. "One thing led to another, and my was her blood just so delicious, and sadly we got carried away." A smirk was now playing on his lips.

Wait. What?

Did he say her blood was delicious?

I shook that thought aside. I was speechless and had no idea what was going on. I don't think I really wanted to know either. An idea played in the back of my mind but I quickly dismissed it as crazy. Those things don't exist. And if they did I was in big trouble.

"So what are you, some kind of cult that likes to drink helpless girls blood?!" I was now buying time as a small escape plan formed in my mind.

"You could say something like that. Or you could say what we really are. I know you know it, Samantha." I hated the way he said my name.

I refused to say anything after that. It had dawned on me what they were but I decided to play dumb to keep them busy.

"Ya, I know what you really are. A bunch of psychos who aren't going to get away with killing my sister!"

"Oh darling Samantha. I already have." He was now full out laughing at me.

I realized we were the only two in the room. I said nothing, only stared at the man who swore he loved my Haley. Seconds, minutes passed by with silence between us. My chances of escape were dwindling with each one that passed. I guess Derek eventually grew bored and he advanced towards me. I started to back against the wall and move slowly around the room as he followed. He must have been completely absorbed in my terror towards him, because eventually I reached the door. When I reached the handle I opened it and flung myself through the door slamming it shut behind me. I was in the same long hallway I came in a couple hours ago. I sprinted down the steps and looked to my right to notice another hallway leading to more doors. I skidded on my heels and headed down that way hoping to lose Derek. However, as I rounded the corner the two men who I was originally with stepped in my way. To avoid hitting them head on I fell to one knee and turned around. I was sprinting the other direction once again when Derek appeared a couple feet in front of me. I was trapped. The two men advanced on me from behind and Derek's tall frame towered over me from the front. By now I was back at the steps leading to the room I had just been in. Derek's shaggy blonde hair and black eyes neared me. He was utterly terrifying and I could tell he was pissed. Suddenly two arms grabbed my biceps and painfully squeezed them. Nate was corralling me once again back to Derek while the other man-I decided to name him Bob- stood and watched. After another 5 seconds Nate had me pushed into Derek's overpowering frame and I stumbled back onto the cold concrete floor. I tried to crawl backwards only to be met by Bob. The monster that was once my sisters boyfriend towered over me.

"You really shouldn't have done that, doll. Now I have to punish you." A dark smile played on his lips and his eyes held nothing but pure evil.

XXX

My aching body now sat chained to a chair. After my incident of getting caught while running away the three men beat me and locked me in this room to rot. I could still feel Derek's punch across my jaw and Nate's kick to my stomach. Dozens of brown hairs had been torn from my now bleeding scalp-that was Bob's fault. These torturers did this and more to me. They said it was to make me obedient. It was to break me.They had almost succeeded. When they had finally chained me up and left with a click of the lock, I felt beyond broken. I didn't dare fight against them or scream for fear of a worse punishment. I felt like a piece of meat in their hands and nothing more. A play toy that they could do whatever they wished to. Derek's final words to me still echoed through my mind. You're nothing more than a worthless slave anymore. You'd better get used to it. That's what set me off.

I had concealed my anger but the more hours I spent alone in this room the more it kept bubbling up inside of me. I knew who I was. I wasn't Mrs. Popular, the jock, emo, or even the nerd. I fit in nowhere and I was actually happy with that. I didn't particularly like people anyways. I am myself and nothing more-or less. I was no one's slave, pet, toy, or doll. I refused to be. I would never call myself a slave-or be called one. Even if it meant being tortured until my dying breath. I realized something over the past few hours while I've been in this forsaken room alone. While I may have nobody-no friends or family left- I have myself. They could never take that away from me.

I was just musing over these thoughts when Derek came in with a smile on his face.

"Good morning, sunshine! I hope you slept well. I know I did!" He was certainly overjoyed today. "Well today dollface is the day you finally get out of my hair. I'm going to explain something to you and you had better listen because i'm not gonna say it twice." With each word Derek spoke his tone got more menacing. "You are about to be walked out on a stage and sold to someone. You will be their slave. They will be your master. Now if you make one wrong move out there you will sorely regret it for the rest of your life. Am I clear?" He practically spat the words in my face.

"I am no ones slave." I glared as hard as I could into those coal black eyes. Apparently I had been amusing because he responded with a laugh. "Oh Samantha, doll. Maybe not yet but in just a few minutes you will be!"

"I am not your doll!" I spat into his ugly face. He simply sighed and wiped it off.

"Nate! Dex!" Derek yelled from my prison out into the hallway. Soon enough Nate and the man I named Bob came into the room, each of them holding an article of clothing. Without another word Derek left and the other two advanced towards me. I shrunk back into my chair for fear of being punished for what I said earlier.

Bob, aka Dex, now spoke to me. His voice was surprisingly soft for his overpowering frame, but just as harsh as the other twos. "You need to change into these. We will unchain you but the door will be locked so don't try anything stupid." With those words Nate pulled out a key and began to unlock the many chains that surrounded my arms and legs tying me to the chair. When he was done I stayed sitting. Dex handed me a crumpled up piece of clothing and a brush. "Be ready in 5." With that they left.

When they were gone I held up the clothing in front of me. I was a dress, short, black, and plain. Nothing too bad thank goodness. I quickly shed my old clothing with my sisters blood stains and slipped on my new dress. I didn't want to wear it but I also didn't like sitting in Haley's blood. I took the brush they had given me and detangled my hair making sure to get the remaining remnants of blood out.

After about 5 minutes had passed Derek came back in to find me huddled against a wall. I kept my head down and refused to look him in the eye. "Oh Samantha, doll. Why such a long face? You're radiant in that dress." He cooed mockingly.

I just continued to look down. Then a thought struck me. "What did you do with Haley's body?"

Derek seemed surprised by the question, but quickly wiped the expression off his face. With no emotion he told me, "I don't think you really want to know. And before you protest -i'm not going to tell you. Maybe yesterday I would've, but today you have an audience waiting and I don't want your eyes red with tears." He said this matter of factly like I should have figured it out by myself. I had no response for him. Hatred still filled my body and I didn't exactly feel like getting beaten for it.

"Well it's time to go. I'm not sorry about this." Derek looked at me with malice in his eyes. I shot my head up just in time for it to be knocked to the side. I tried to stay awake but blackness overcame my being and I was out.


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120 Reviews


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Thu May 29, 2014 5:49 am
Brunnera wrote a review...



Hi there! The thing is whenever I follow somebody on this site I don't get notifications whether you post a new chapter or not ;_; I was wondering about this, checked out your portfolio and learned I was fifteen days late FTW. Anyway, I really like your story, so I am always happy to review.

There were a lot of issues with this one compared to your earlier chapter, especially the first quarter of it. Everything was explained really fast, and basically this was all a telling of the story instead of getting the reader actually INSIDE the situation, you know?

Instead of going so fast, describe the smell and look with pure detail. For a chapter rated for violence, it needs quite some detail, and this 'detail' also applied for emotions. How sad did Samantha feel, actually? Like a thousand needles were piercing her heart? Like somebody had taken her life away, leaving an empty shell with nowhere to go? Like she wanted to kill someone?
Or you should change the part where she found her sister in a dialogue form (this is just a suggestion). Write down the words she mumbled out, "No....Haley...please don't do this to me..." And continued with when she cried in her chest.
Explain the rage. Emotions (in my opinion) I really like them detailed, although not to much.

The middle part was okay-- I really liked it ;)

Now for a dialogue part:

"I will talk to you any way I please!"

That just sounds quite awkward, since 'please' is a formal word. Maybe, "I will talk to you any way that I want!" would sound better.

Okay this is concerning an extra-long paragraph that really sticks out in the story. When a paragraph gets too long, it bores me and hurts my eyes. However, everything was nicely-explained, only thing is you need to know when to break up the stuff into different paragraphs. Also,

"Derek's shaggy blonde hair and black eyes neared me." -- This sounds really weird. You could fix it up easily.
Another thing, is that when two people are engaged in a dialogue, it is inexpident to put their sentences on the same paragraph like this:

""I am no ones slave." I glared as hard as I could into those coal black eyes. Apparently I had been amusing because he responded with a laugh. "Oh Samantha, doll. Maybe not yet but in just a few minutes you will be!""

You should separate the above into two paragraphs, from the word "Apparently".
I also noticed you used numbers (as in the digit numbers) in the story. there's no problem with that, but other than time or date, you should change the numbers to words, although they're big in number. This is merely my opinion.

Punctuation makes a lot of difference, and although you punctuation errors were very slight, it needs a lot of improvement, like 'blood-stained' and 'blood-soaked' and 'A.K.A'. The dashed you use, like "I am myself and nothing more-or less." Should have double dashes. To me it give an impact.

You also need to increase your vocabulary. "Emerald green eyes pierced into my plain blue ones." Emerald already means green, so no need for the green, and plain should be replaced with empty and such. There were plenty of other things, too. The words used are quite plain and common, replacing it with some professional words make it really interesting.
In order to do this, you will have to read a lot of action or violence and search up words you don't understand.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Overall I loved it so much. Please message me when you update? I don't receive notifications at all :(
I hope I haven't been so critical in my review, and if I've upset you, I'm really sorry. But I've tried my best to give you all the advice and help I can.
Writing in first-person is hard, I know, because my own novel is a first-person story. Maybe you could increase your vocabulary by reading my novel's Chapter 2. It's an action-packed story and I've received critical reviews.
I hope this helped you. And don't forget to message me when you update! :) If not I'll be two weeks late again xD






Thank you so much!! That really helped a lot. Any critiques I get are more than welcome. I'll message you when I update again :)



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Sun May 25, 2014 11:54 am
Milanimo wrote a review...



Hi! Sorry it took so long for a second review!

"I landed head and shoulder first after being thrown into the room. I gawked at the scene of terrors in that lay in front of me.

Terrors was an understatement."
You're contradicting yourself here. Maybe use some sensory imagery to describe why it is an understatement? The smell, look, feel?

""It's getting annoying?!" I shrieked. "Annoying? I think I have a right after what you just did to my sister! You told me I could take her place and she was safe! You lied to me! How dare you!" By this point I was screaming at the man."

The exclamation here is too sudden. The character was just talking about how in pain they were. Stick to the idea that they just woke up, and slowly transition to this sort of anger. They may be angry, but they are also tired. They would most likely have a dry throat or feel extremely weak even though they want to shout like this.

"A new man approached me." You're going to need to explain what she feel towards this man. This is also a perfect time to describe him, rather than throwing it in later. Don't just introduce him without any explanation for what this man is like. Does he give her chills? Remember, this is from the character's perspective, so we need as much information about who other characters are as we can get.

That's all I really have. Just try to be more specific. The "show don't tell" aspect could use a bit of work, but it's not too bad. Great job!




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Wed May 21, 2014 10:29 pm
Hecate wrote a review...



Hey,

Hecate here to review for you!

I will start with some nitpicks.

I landed head and shoulder first after being thrown into the room.

I think you should just say ‘head first’ rather than ‘head and shoulder first’. That sounds a bit cluttered.

I gawked at the scene of terrors in that lay in front of me.
Terrors was an understatement.

I think you repeat ‘terrors’ too often in those two lines. It gets a little awkward.

The last of the bodies blood

You mean ‘the last of the body’s blood’

I screamed and crawled towards her body to check to for an obviously dead pulse.


Typo here, you meant to say ‘towards her body to check for’. You included an extra ‘to’ .

His messy brown hair hung loose on his head and emerald green eyes pierced into my plain blue ones.


Aw, come on, please don’t use ‘emerald’ to describe his eyes. I just feel like it’s just an overused word to describe dreamy looking hunks. You can do better. Also, her eyes are blue yet plain? This doesn’t seem to be possible. Scratch the plain. With adjectives, less is more.

"You could say something like that. Or you could say what we really are. I know you know it, Samantha." I hated the way he said my name.

The whole ‘say what we really are’ is a little Twilight reminiscent.

Nate was corralling me once again back to Derek while the other man-I decided to name him Bob- stood and watched.

A little unnatural she decided to name her captor Bob midway through fighting. Why would she? It’s like, ‘Oh no, I must get away, oh I don’t know this guy’s name, let’s call him Bob’. I don’t think this is necessary.

I'm going to explain something to you and you had better listen because i'm not gonna say it twice.”

I believe you meant ‘I’m not going to say it twice’ as opposed to ‘i’m not gonna say it twice.’

"I am no ones slave.”

‘I am no one’s slave.’

This seems like it could make an interesting teen romance/ fantasy story. The whole slave ownership thing sort of makes it sound almost like it could be erotica. If that's not what you intended, then it'll come through as well. Right now, there's a lot of the whole submission domination theme going on, but obviously this does not have to be sexual.

I would steer clear of making your characters cardboard cutouts. Nobody is entirely evil, nobody is without flaw. Keep that in mind when you write! The captors all sound like terribly evil punks, while Samantha sounds way too perfect.

Keep writing,

Hecate






Thank you! This helped a lot!




You're wrong about humanity. They are your greatest creation because they're better than you are. Sure, they're weak, and they cheat and steal and destroy and disappoint, but they also give and create, and they sing and dance and love. Above all, they never give up.
— Metatron