So it's a little long, but thank you all for reading and your feedback!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~
Alexander
I walked out of the room, making sure to lock the door
as I exited. What happened in there-I had no idea. As soon as I hit
Angelique a she became a different person. Almost frightening.
I
quickly shook the thought from my head as I heard her cries from the
room upstairs. She was a simple thief, and nothing more. A pathetic, yet
beautiful woman.
I left my home and headed towards the castle gates, where I would start my daily training.
Every day in this kingdom was much like the last. It sickened me.
Wake
up, walk to the castle, train, walk home, and sleep. On the occasional
off day I would get to help the King with his work, as I was one of his
most trusted advisers.
Unfortunately, today was not one of those days.
I
entered the castle grounds with my head held high, nodding to those I
knew. The castle before me stood grandly with gray cobblestone and high
reaching towers. Despite my inner protests, I avoided the majestic
castle and headed to the training area just outside the walls. Today was
not a day to stay inside and manipulate the king, making him think my
ideas were his.
Once I reached the wide open area filled with
horses, sand, and other men, I retrieved a sword and shield and started
to practice for battle. I dueled with fellow knights of lower standards
and won every match I participated in. Whether this was out of talent,
or fear from my opponents, it did not matter. All that mattered was I
was dominating the training field, showing everyone who they should be
looking to.
Halfway into the day I was lucky enough to battle my
friend, Henry. Like me, he was one of the highest ranking knights in the
kingdom and had a bite as fierce as his bark. Many of the woman in the
kingdom thought him the most handsome bachelor around.
He had
striking blue eyes that could send daggers into your soul, with dark
brown hair that he kept neatly shaven. His features were rough and hands
calloused from many years of battle.
As I held my breath and waited
for our duel to begin, we smiled to each other momentarily. Before
starting, I smirked his way, knowing I had already won.
My feet
danced on the sand beneath me and armor rattled as I struck Henry with
my sword. We both started off our duel strong, parrying each other's
blows and avoiding the sharp edge of the swords. Having known him since
childhood however, I knew how Henry battled. I moved quickly around him
causing his footing to falter. My feet stayed steady as I danced around
him, and before long he was on the ground with my sword at his throat.
Instead
of finishing him off, I drew back my sword and extended my hand towards
him. He took it with a wide grin, and I lifted him from the ground.
By
the time our duel was over, the sun was setting over the horizon and I
was drenched in sweat and dirt. My fellow knights were winding down
their day as well, handing their weapons and armor to the slaves to put
away. I was about to leave Henry's side to start the journey home, when
he took me by the arm and gave me a look. I knew the look of his, so I
stayed put while he handed off his equipment.
When he was finished
he came up next to me. We began walking out of the castles courtyard and
back to town. I waited patiently for him to speak, knowing what he
wanted to talk about was not something we could speak freely about near
the castle.
When we were finally through the gates and walking the dirt path home, he spoke.
"I saw the King today." His voice came out low and rough.
I paused for a moment, taking in the news. "How is he doing?"
Henry laughed before responding. "Same as always."
I smirked. "You mean you found him cowering in his chambers while he sends men out to do his dirty work?"
"Exactly
what I mean." We both shared a loud laugh about our king before Henry
continued in a serious tone. "I'm tired of this, Alexander. It is time
we take what should be ours! The king ruling over us has no right to be
there. He is a coward that killed his brother to gain the throne. That
may have worked in other lands, but not here."
I sighed heavily. I
knew this was true, for Henry and I spoke of this issue daily. Many of
the knight's in the court shared our opinion as well. "You know it's not
that easily done, Henry. We need time and a vast amount of planning."
We
both stopped in the street and looked into each other's eyes. Henry
searched mine for something, but sighed when he didn't find what he was
looking for. When I looked into his orbs, all I saw was a hungry
expression-one that wanted power.
As Henry turned away from me, I
caught him by the arm and continued on. "Listen. I want him gone and to
be in his thrown as much as you do. Give me some time to think of a
plan. In the meanwhile, we can start to speak to the other's in the
court and find out what everyone else is thinking."
I watched Henry's frame tense, then relax slightly. He looked to me with a smile on his face and nodded in agreement.
"Alright." He said slowly. "I agree. Rest well, Alexander." Without waiting for my response, he turned and left for his home.
I
continued walking without him, thinking of what I could do. It was true
what I said, the king needed to go. The people may love him, but they
didn't know the real him. He was a power driven coward with no regard
for the people of this kingdom. I, on the other hand, loved my fellow
citizens and lived among them. I had the potential to rule this kingdom,
and the people would love me. I would rule over them with bravery and
fairness.
I was practically running the kingdom anyway. The king
himself came to me weekly for advice on foreign countries and war
planning.
That was another thing. The king seemed bent on war,
almost as if he wished to set up his people for slaughter. I kicked a
stray stone in my path, disgusted at the man ruling over me. I knew how
much better of a job could I do.
By now the sun had set and I was at my doorstep. I walked inside, drained and tired from today's training.
~~
Angelique
I
was pulled out of my sleepy stupor by a noise coming from downstairs. I
heard the front door open and heavy footsteps come in through the door.
I bolted up from my position on the wall, preparing myself to meet
Alexander. I had come up with a plan while he was gone, and I was ready
to put it into action.
I walked across the room and next to the
door, in the small space between it and the wall. I pushed myself up
against the wall, trying my best to flatten myself. I heard his heavy
footsteps come up the stairs, then stop right outside my door. Keys
jingled on the other side, and I knew there was no turning back. My
heart was pounding and head rushing, but I welcomed the feeling. It only
fueled my anger and determination.
A key was inserted into the
lock and the wooden door slowly started to open. I held my breath as the
door was fully opened and Alexander stepped through. He kept his hand
on the knob and pushed it all the way open, until the edge of the door
hit the wall I was pushed up against. I was cowered behind the door now,
waiting in the shadows and the small space provided.
I heard a
curse come from Alexander's lips and he fully stepped through the
doorway, entering the room. His hand left the doorknob and his heavy
footsteps went further into the room, searching for me.
As soon as I
heard his feet pass the door, I quietly started to close it. I held the
hinges so it wouldn't creak, and watched through the crack as Alexander
walked fully into the room. Once I had the door open wide enough, I
stepped through the opening that held me close to the wall and slipped
past the door. I was now in the room, wide open, with Alexander's back
to me. Watching his every move, I quickly started to back up from out of
the room and head down the stairs.
As soon as I was through the
door however, the floor beneath me creaked loudly and Alexander spun
around to meet me. We locked eyes for a minute before I turned and began
to run down the stairs in my heavy dress. I held onto the wooden
railing next to me for balance as I ran as fast as I could.
Why did I run? My plan was to knock him out then lock him in this room!
I
had no time to think of my actions however, for I heard Alexander's
heavy feet pounding behind me. Before I got the chance to jump the last
step, he had wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me close to
him.
I struggled and kicked at him, hoping to hit a sensitive spot
and make him let me go. Thrashing wildly, I hit every exposed body part,
but he took no notice. After about a minute of struggling, he finally
released me, dropping me to the ground beneath him.
I noticed he
had pulled me back up the stairs, and was preparing to pull me back
inside the room. I looked at him angrily and turned to run down the
stairs once again. He caught me by the arm however, and held my wrist in
a deathly tight grip.
"Let me go!" I screamed at him. I pulled against his grip on my arm with all my strength.
His amused eyes looked to me, then the stairway behind. Before I knew what was going on, he spoke and let go of my arm.
"As you wish, m'lady."
Without
warning of letting me go, the force of me pulling away from him caused
me to fall backwards and down the stairs. I rolled and crashed loudly
along the wooden steps, hitting my head and sides painfully. The fall
seemed to last an eternity, but was only a few seconds. When I landed in
a heap at the bottom of the stairs, I kept my head down and let a few
stray tears of pain fall. I heard Alexander descending the steps slowly
and dreaded each inch closer he came.
When I heard him come to a
stop next to me, I tried getting up and inching away from him. Before I
could move however, he had lifted me up by my hair and held me close to
him. He spoke to me in a low growl.
"You shouldn't have done that."
I fought the power rising within me. It was fueled by my rage and fear, something that I couldn't hold back easily.
Alexander
was lingering over me with a terrifying and anger filled expression.
Suddenly, he grabbed me by the hair and flung me away from him, so that I
hit the wall closest to the stairs. My head bounced off the wooden and
stone wall and left my vision blurry.
"Don't you understand what I did for you?" Alexander's voice boomed through the small house. "You could have died but I took you in!" He met the last word with an enraged roar and a kick to my stomach.
"You did nothing for
me! I was living a great life until you came along and kidnapped me!" I
screamed at him in protest as I tried to crawl away from his towering
frame.
"Oh, you lived a great life, did you?" I took the time while
he was speaking to stand up. It hurt my body to do so, but I refused to
kneel before the coward in front of me. "Moving from home to home every
night, trying to stay out of the cold? Watching your so called friends
sell you out? Sounds absolutely wonderful to me."
"Maybe it wasn't
the life of a highly esteemed knight as yourself, however it suited me
fine! I never asked you to save my life." My voice was getting louder
and my hands gestured wildly around me. I paused momentarily to catch my
breath before continuing on. "You think you saved me, anyway? Well you
didn't! I've been locked in this forsaken house for two days, I haven't
eaten, I've barely slept, and now I have to endure a beating from a
coward!"
A burning was emerging from within my body, building with every word that left my mouth.
By
the time I was done with my rant I was breathing hard and tears were
etching my eyes. I turned away from Alexander's enraged face to hide my
tears. I didn't want him mistaking my tears of fury for those of defeat.
As I was turning away from him, Alexander caught my elbow and brought
me back to face him. He dragged me against my will to stand
uncomfortably close to his overpowering frame. I tried blinking back the
tears now streaming down my cheeks, but to no avail. Alexander eyed
them with mock pity before he spoke.
"Call this what you will. If
you think I kidnapped you, fine. If you believe I sealed your fate of
death, fine. What you think doesn't matter to me." I tried pulling away
but his death grip on my elbow only grew tighter. "What does matter, is
that you do what you're told. I'm through with threatening to turn you
in, we both know that won't happen. However, if you step a foot out of
line again, you will regret it. I don't care what you say, you're mine now."
Alexander
tightened his grip further on me before spinning me around and throwing
me against the closest wall. I weakly slumped down against the wall,
hopeless of fighting back. The power within me was still there, but I
didn't dare let it show again. I heard his footsteps draw near to me,
before his hand came down and lifted my chin to meet his face.
"Yes, you're all mine now, beautiful." His words softened slightly as he brought his face close to mine.
Then, he did something completely unexpected.
Alexander
lowered his lips upon mine until they met with unexpected gentleness.
He lingered there for just a minute, before withdrawing and letting go
of my chin. I sat there in shock as a smug look spread across his face.
"Now,
Angelique. I think some dinner is past due. Wouldn't you care to
prepare me a meal?" Without waiting for a response, he continued. "All
your supplies should be in the kitchen. Call for me when you are
through."
Alexander left the living room and walked through the archway across from me.
I sat on the floor numbly for a few more moments, trying to process what had happened.
He kissed me. Alexander actually kissed me.
I
shuddered at the thought and brought my knees up to my chest, fighting
back the sobs that threatened to consume my body. How dare he kiss me!
How dare he take something that pure away from me, without even thinking
about it!
I heard shuffling in the other room and his voice soon sounded to me. "I don't hear any cooking going on!"
I
glared in the direction of his voice and slowly lifted myself off the
ground. I looked around the room I was in and found I was myself
standing in the kitchen. The front door leading to my freedom stood just
a foot in front of me.
I quickly and quietly rushed to the door and
tried the handle. When it wouldn't budge, I practically screamed in
defeat. What was I going to do? I couldn't just give in and start acting
as a slave for this man! The idea was preposterous. I needed to get out
of here, but I had no idea how.
I leaned against the wall in
the kitchen and thought to myself. The only way I was getting close to
escaping was if I gained Alexander's trust. To do this, I need to seem
as if I've given up and I'm obeying him. Yes-that would also mean
cooking and cleaning for the useless pig.
I sighed once more and
looked at the room I stood in again. With no other choice before me, I
began to prepare a simple peasant's meal. As I cooked I silently cried
to myself. My body was stiff and sore, and my mind was damaged heavily.
Not only had the man beaten me, but he stole my first kiss-something
that was supposed to be pure and shared only in marriage. Alexander took
that from me, and now there was no chance of anyone ever wanting me.
That
kiss was also the last pure thing I held on to. It was the last shred
of something I treasured before I came to this place. Where I was before
here, everything was perfect and wholesome. Here on earth, things are
twisted and corrupt. I told myself when I was put here, that I could
always hold onto that first kiss, and it would be the only link from me
to my real home. Everything else put aside, I could hold onto that
forever.
Now, it was gone. Because he took it from me.
I could
still feel the lingering touch of his fingers on my chin and plump lips
against mine. It horrified me and disgusted me at the same time. The
longer I sat in the kitchen cooking, the more I realized I never wanted
to see Alexander's cowardice face again. If it weren't for him, I would
be on my own doing whatever I pleased. I would be closer to leaving this
wretched place called earth.
All too soon the simple meal I
prepared was finished. I grudgingly set it on the table in the next
room before leisurely making my way to the archway to call for
Alexander. Before I was within a foot of the doorway however, he stepped
through and caught me by surprise. A wide grin sat on his face and he
breathed in deeply, consuming the smells of the freshly cooked meal.
Alexander strode past me and sat at the table while gesturing me to
follow. Grimacing, I followed after him and took my seat next to his at
the small circular table.
We ate in silence and I watched as
Alexander practically inhaled his food. I laughed smugly to myself as I
watched him eat. One, because I was a terrible cook. Two, because in
spite of him I spit in the food he was eating. I knew it was childish
and silly, but it seemed the only way I could get back at the man.
Suddenly,
his voice interrupted my thoughts. "That was wonderful. Now, clean this
up. I have errands to run before bed. I'll be back soon, so don't try
anything foolish." Alexander got up from the table and strode out the
front door, locking it behind him. I sat at the table in slight shock,
surprised by his abruptness. Then I looked at the mess I had created and
sighed heavily. I was not one to clean, cook, or follow orders. At this
point however, I had no choice.
Once I was finished cleaning
the mess from dinner, I sat down at the table again, pondering as to
what I could do to get out of this mess. There was always the one choice
of using my powers against him, but I knew I couldn't do that. If by
some chance he got away from me, I would be accused of witchcraft and
put to death in an extremely painful way.
No, I had to use my wits to get myself out of this mess.
I
walked to the front door once again and tried the handle. I jiggled it
ferociously hoping for it to budge, but it wouldn't move. I searched all
around the doorway for a spare key, but in vain.
With a frustrated
scream I kicked the door in front of me and strode away from the kitchen
and to the stairs. Sudden exhaustion had overcome me, and I knew it was
useless fighting it anymore.
I slowly ascended the wooden
stairs, absentmindedly counting my steps as I went. Once at the top I
walked through the old door that led to my room-my prison. Without
hesitation, I continued on to the bed in the center of the room.
I
laid down on top of it, not bothering to shed my dress, for I was too
tired. I snuggled into the comforter and pillows around me, allowing
myself a few moments of peaceful respite as my mind wandered to a night
full of dreams.
~~~~
Alexander
I walked through the
back door of my home, quietly shutting and locking it behind me. It was
extremely late in the evening and some well needed rest was overdue.
I
made my way through the house to the stairs in the front, ascending
them slowly. My feet dragged heavily underneath me and my heavy boots
made loud thumps as I walked along. Once in my room, I opened the door
and made my way towards the grande bed.
The room was pitch black before me, so I walked slowly to avoid tripping over any stray items.
Once
at the bed I sat on the side and started to shed my clothing. First my
boots, then my shirt, until I was left only in my underclothes. Finally
comfortable, I laid down in the bed and brought the blankets close
around me. Once I heard the steady breathing of Angelique beside me, I
turned over and gazed at her face.
Even in the darkness, I could
make out her flowing black hair, bright red lips, and long eyelashes. I
gazed mesmerized by her, as she was the face of beauty. I remembered the
first time I laid eyes on her, and how I was captured by her
immediately. Her teasing voice, proper frame, there was just something
about her that drew me close. When she stole the dresses and Genevive
turned her in, it was too good of an opportunity to let pass. Yes, I had
to have her, even if it meant going against the will of the King
himself. I didn't bother too much about his ruling anyway, of course.
I
brought my hand to Angelique's glorious face and pet her cheek with the
back of my hand. In her sleep, she was not defensive or stubborn, but
looked innocent and child like. Her features were contorted into a face
of relaxation as her eyes fluttered slightly.
I brought my hand down
to bring myself closer to her, wrapping my arm around her side. In her
sleep, she stirred slightly before nuzzling into my chest. I smiled
contently and closed my eyes for rest, letting all my troubles fade
away.
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Knight r4 here to review this chapter, Figuring! I as a Knight of the Green Room have come to expel you work from that terrible place filled with fiendish beasts! I hope certainly this helps!
As Wisegirl pointed out this hyphen is unnecessary.Okay, so I am only about ten or fifteen paragraphs into this at the most and there are already three breakages in the reading. I think that you need to consider taking out all these gaps. You could also consider not just breezing over his walk to the castle. I mean he had to be thinking about his encounter with Angelique. I mean if I just got into a fight with someone, as I presume just happened I don't think that I would just brush it off and then start writing a romance novel. (Just an illustration). I also kind of got the impression that he left Angelique in his house!
This sounds to me like a contradiction. First he is inside the castle and then he is outside and trying to avoid it.
Alright, let's take a look at where we are so far. At the moment we aren't even halfway through the chapter and an entire day has already passed. This is okay if that's you style of writing, but I think that here this needs some work. For instance I think that you are telling a little too much. You need to work on showing the story, not telling it. For instance, as of yet there has been no dialogue whatsoever. That's a big problem you will need to fix.
I don't think that a kingdom with knights would tolerate slavery.
If this is foreshadowing of Henry being evil, you certainly did a good job of being subtle about it; but if Henry is good than you should probably take that section out.
I recommend that you put these sentences in italics since they are her thoughts.
I think that Alexander is I recreant knight!
I think that Angelique probably could have escaped rather easily while Alexander was gone. I mean there are probably quite a few windows, right? She could easily climb out of those not to mention unlocking the door I mean you can always unlock a door from the inside unless it is barricaded from without.
Overall, this is a sad story.
Hi! Cricket here for a review!

Well, for one, I'm utterly astonished at this work. Completely astonished. Let me explain why I am first.
For one, the pace is absolutely perfect in my opinion. You linger just enough on the part between the two friends (I might mention one or two parts later on that I think you could expand on a little further), but also save enough time to bring in description.
The character Alexander is one that I actually found myself a little confused about at first. At first he seems like somebody who looks out for the good of everybody, and wants to be somebody that everyone looks up to, and relates to. But to be honest, I started to wonder just what kind of person he really was. He came home, and beat the living hell out of Angelique and then KISSED HER. Er, I'm not sure that's a sign of affection. I'm starting to think he didn't actually love her, and was just pleased by her beauty, and not by her actual person. I felt that a little clarifying on this would help your character seem more in-depth and relatable.
Angelique is actually somebody that I actually just totes LOVED. She seemed very strong, and yet was smart about the whole thing. Well, in a way. Spitting in his food, seemed rather childish, but was a good idea to show just how much she wanted to get back at him. She did it, just because she wanted to do SOMETHING, to get back, even if he didn't know about it. I guess to make herself feel a little better from the whole thing.
she should totes poison his food next timeXD And one more thing, I wasn't really sure about, was the entire kiss thing. I mean, her reaction was good, but I felt that it was lacking a little in some ways.For instance afterwards, when she's standing there in disbelief. I want just a tad bit more reaction there. JUST A TAD MORE. Not a lot, but a little more to just show that she is absolutely disgusted with this man.
An unnecessary word is there. It's in red.
I would get almost seems worded like a little child had said it. Like the child was getting to go to work with daddy. I would suggest re-wording it a little to not make it sound quite so childish. XD
Hmm, why knights of lower standards? I assume you mean of lower ranking, but wouldn't it seem like he is lowering himself to their level by dueling with them? Unless it's to train them, and not to get better himself, then I would think that he would be training with somebody of his level all the time. (This is excluding his duel with his friend, of course)
These parts are from the same paragraph but I figured I shouldn't pull out the entire thing, so I pulled out these parts. The parts in red are the ones that are redundant.
Just reinforcing what wisegirl previously said. What about his equipment? I'd say one or two lines should suffice, to show us what he did with his. XD
Here I almost think an m-dash would better suit your purpose. Actually, you seem to use the hyphen a lot, when an m-dash would work better. I'd suggest going through and removing most of them, and replacing them with m-dashes. MOST OF THEM. Some of them are probably ok there.
Just some rephrasing. The wording was off a little.
All throughout, I think you need to work on this. Try to describe some of the pain throughout, and make it seem gritty and realistic. DESCRIBE here pain, rather than TELLING us. lol
OK, that's it from me for now! You have a super good chapter here, and I can't wait to see what you do next! Make sure to ping me or post a comment on my wall, next time you post!
Keep writing!
~Cricket
*Dislikes your review* WHY DID YOU STEAL MY 96'TH GREEN ROOM REVIEW!
ER, my apologies your majesty.
I really liked this. it was very descriptive and inventive
x
FiguringOutLife, hiya! Whatcha' doing, and why are you doing it? Just kidding, no personal info allowed.
In the first short section, I think you don't need the hyphen. Unnecessary.
"What happened in there-I had no idea."
A bit later, you say his friend goes to put away his armor and things. Doesn't the narrator have armor too? And what's his name? Also, please note "castles" is "castle's".
"When he was finished he came up next to me. We began walking out of the castles courtyard and back to town."
"Other's" is "others".
"In the meanwhile, we can start to speak to the other's in the court..."
"Rule" is used too much.
"I had the potential to rule this kingdom..."
"I would rule over them..."
"...disgusted at the man ruling over me."
At the end, you say Alexander beat Angelique, made her his servant, and now he's saying he has feelings. Really?
-wisegirl22