Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
I rounded the corner of another worn down, red brick building, trying to find my sister. We were spending some time together, eating lunch, when she suddenly disappeared. I had gone to throw our trash away and when I came back to the wooden picnic table we sat at, she was gone.
I sighed outwardly as I realized the area around me truly was deserted. My sigh was a mix of concern and frustration, but mostly annoyance. Every time we tried to spend time together, she would run off and leave me wondering what happened. I would worry sick until she would call or show up at home. Each and every time she did, I would lecture her and make her promise to never run off again.
I sounded like my mother.
Of course, I guess I had to. Haley and my parents died just a few months ago, and now I was the legal guardian of my sister. This wasn't exactly a hard task, considering the girl was 16 years old. However with her sneaking around every night, you'd think she was a wandering toddler.
Pulling out my phone, I dialed Haley's number and waited for an answer. Of course I didn't get one, and that sent my nerves over the edge even more.
You just need to calm down, I told myself. She's probably out with Derek again. Derek was her boyfriend, one that I didn't exactly approve of. He was years older than her and didn't have the best reputation in our small town. Haley constantly told me she was in love with him, he was a good man, etc. I didn't believe a word of it.
I'd only met Derek a few times, but that didn't matter. Each time I spoke with him I got a horrible feeling in my stomach. Maybe it was my possessiveness of my sister, and his arm wrapping dangerously close to her butt. Either way, I didn't like the guy.
Despite my anxious feelings, I knew that Derek had most likely come to pick up Haley. She never answered her phone while with him, so that would explain why my calls to her kept going to voice mail.
Defeated, I start the journey home. I knew she would show up eventually, just like every other time she ran off. As far as I knew, she might be at home right now.
Letting my mind wander, I turned the corners while walking back home. I passed street sign after street sign, worn down building after worn down building. Our town was old and dusty to say the least. After about 20 minutes of breathing in smoke and dirt filled air, I arrived at the door to my apartment building.
The apartment buildings we lived in strongly represented a motel and were the cheapest housing options around. I didn't particularly like living here, but it was all I could afford. Sighing, I walk up the concrete steps and open the wooden door to reveal a hallway of doors leading to various apartments. I walk down the hallway and past a couple more doors, before I turned the corner to my apartment.
I gasped slightly when I saw my door was nowhere to be seen. Where my door should have been, there was a gaping hole. Cautiously I started to approach my now broken doorway. Once closer, I realized the red wooden door hung loose on the metal hinges, threatening to fall at any second. Despite my calm exterior, fear started to overcome me. Is there an intruder? Should I even go in there? Who would want to rob someone living in these apartments?
After contemplating what could be going on, I decided to wait outside my door and listen to see if I could hear anything. After waiting about ten minutes I knew the coast was clear and my house was empty. Entering through my broken doorway, a puzzling scene lay in front of me.
Judging from the door I expected my apartment to be wrecked and empty, but instead everything was in place.
Maybe the burglar saw we had nothing worth stealing? Unlikely.
I walked room to room to find everything just the way I had left it. The only difference from this morning when I locked up the house, was that there was a message waiting to be played on my old phone machine in the front room. Before I listened to the message though, I thoroughly inspected the rest of the house wanting to play it safe. Deciding it was, I sat down on my couch to listen. After pressing the worn down red button a message began to play.
Static noises. Shuffling.
“Help! Help!” a voice was whispering into the speaker. Samantha-help me. I’m so sorry I should have listened. I need you to come get me, they-
“What are you doing??” a rough male voice this time. “You little wench! How dare-“
And it was over.
I replayed the message over and over again, trying to dissect what just happened. I knew for a certainty that voice asking for help was Haley’s.
My breathing got heavier as what I just heard began to dawn on me. Haley was in trouble, but I had no idea where she was-or who she was with. I didn't even know where to start to look for her. I hadn’t recognized the males voice, and I couldn’t call the police because they didn’t exactly help out around this town. However, I couldn’t sit in my apartment and let who knows what happen to my sister either.
This could not be happening. This sort of thing was the plot to the stories I read-it didn’t actually happen in life! Was this some sort of sick joke that was being played on me?
I checked the rustic machine for a callback number. After discovering one I immediately began to dial the number.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
“Hello?”
Oh crap what was I going to say?? Think think think think think!!
“U-Uh Y-Yes! I have a pizza delivery order from this number and I need the address you’re at…?”
Would that work? Ugh i'm so stupid.
“Excuse me? You have the wrong number.” The rustic male voice went to hang up the phone.
“Wait!” I shrieked into my speaker. I had to come up with something convincing before the guy at the other end of the line hung up. Reluctantly, I went with the truth.
“Ok. Truth is I got a voicemail from my sister saying she needs help. I need to know what the hell is going on and where she is.” I tried to muster up all the courage I could and put it into those two sentences. To my surprise, I sounded rather demanding.
“Ah! Yes! We were wondering when you were going to call!" The males voice was teasing. "Yes…yes we have Haley. She really is a pretty thing you know? I can’t wait to see how she fares the next couple of weeks…” The deep male’s voice continued. “Now because of the stupid stunt your sister pulled, I need you to do something so she doesn’t get hurt. You need to pretend you never got a call from her and you never spoke to me. Or else I will kill her. Do you understand?”
“Wait! Please please don’t kill her. I-I will do anything.” All the courage had gone and panic started to ease into my cracking voice. I imagined my sister in the hands of those monsters, probably on the verge of death. My breathing increased and I fought the urge to hyperventilate.
“Oh don’t worry darling. As long as you forget everything about this afternoon, no harm will come to your precious sister. I only wish she was older so we could have more fun! The older ones always sell faster too.” The voice I had come to hate started to mock into the phone. “Oh well. We will have to settle. Money is money after all, right?”
My head started to race as I thought of ways to keep my sister from harm. I couldn’t just let this man take her. Silence crept into our conversation and the man on the other end began to grow impatient.
“Do you understand me or not?”
Suddenly I had an idea. An awfully horrible and crazy one, but it would save Haley.
“Yes! Yes I understand. Only…” I tried to steady my breath.
“Only what?!” He practically screamed into my ear.
“Only…you said you wanted someone older right? Well I am three years older than my sister. My sister is very popular and her absence won’t go unnoticed. I, on the other hand, don't know very many people. If I were to go missing no one would care.” It was true. I had always been an introvert and a sort of recluse.
“What are you playing at girl?”
“I want you to let Haley go and take me instead.”
Silence. Had he finally had enough of me and left the conversation? Dread filled my body as I crumpled to the floor. Terrifying images of Haley started to cloud my mind and tears filled my desperate eyes.
“Please! Please. I will do anything. Just please let my sister go.” Despite my efforts the desperation showed in my voice.
A new, yet strangely familiar voice appeared on the other end of the line.
“All right Samantha. You be at the shop at the corner and Amber and Willow Lane in an hour.”
The line went dead.
Was that Derek’s voice I had just heard?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My feet pounded against the sidewalk as I ran as fast as I could to the meeting place. By now the sun had gone down and it was just me running through the streets. With each footstep that hit the pavement a new thought echoed through my clouded mind.
What have I gotten myself into?
What if Haley is hurt?
I don't have a choice. I have to go find her.
I promised Mom and Dad I would keep her safe. Great job i've done at that...
Why couldn't she just listen to me!
My lungs ached with the force I was putting on them. I never really ran. I wasn't out of shape, but I definitely wasn't athletic. Books and computers for this girl.
The closer I drew to my destination the more I couldn't help but think-Have I just handed my life over? Who knew what these men were going to do to me. Were they rapists? Serial Killers? Slave traffickers?
Whatever they were I knew it wasn't good. All I could hope was that they would stick to their deal and let Haley go. Maybe they would change their mind and let us both go free...touch chance, but hey- A girl can dream.
An hour had passed since I had spoken to the two men on the phone, and I now stood outside the shop they directed me to. It was run down-like everything in this town-and looked like some sort of abandoned office building. The once new wooden paneling now stood moldy and breaking along the structure. I was surprised it was still standing. I peered in windows to find no lights inside the rustic place, although I did hear voices. Panic and dread coursed through my already tired body as I imagined what awaited me beyond these walls.
Well, it's now or never.
I crept up the old steps trying not to make a sound. However, the creaking of the steps kept me from doing that. I stood outside the door trying to listen once again for voices. This time I heard faint echoes of what sounded like two men arguing. I couldn't make out what they were saying, but they were loud enough so I could try and open the obviously squeaky door. I took hold of the handle and twisted it, pushing the door in at the same time. It creaked unbearably loud. After I had it opened enough for me to step through, I stopped and listened once again. The voices were still arguing, oblivious of the girl who just walked through the door.
Once through the door a plan started to form in my head. A simple one at that…Get in, find Haley, and get out of this town forever. Couldn’t be that hard, right?
I stepped through the door and into the hallway. All the lights were out, except for one at the very end of the corridor. From the light showing through the glass window of the door, I could see the rest of my surroundings. I was at the beginning of a straight and long hallway. To my left stood two doors with windows, the kind that you can only see a silhouette through-nothing distinct. To my right was a plain concrete wall with dents, scrapes, and multicolored stains of who knows what. At the end of the corridor there a small series of about 10 steps leading up to the door with the light streaming out of it.
The voices became louder but I didn’t stop to listen to what they were saying. I had to find my sister.
I crept up the hallway peering into the first door on my right. Of course I couldn’t see anything in there-it was pitch black. I decided to try and open the door. To my luck it was open, but just as I started to push it open the rest of the way a loud creak sounded throughout the building. Abruptly, the arguing coming from the door at the end of the hallway stopped. I saw silhouettes of two people head towards the door and the sound I made. Making a split second decision I opened the door once again and slipped inside to complete darkness. Once in the room I fell to the ground and scurried around on all fours to hide in a corner.
I waited breathlessly with my heart pounding in my chest as two sets of footsteps echoed outside the room I was in. From what I could tell I was in a small closet huddled in the corner. Trash bags surrounded me and there was a rancid smell in the room. My eyes slowly adjusted and I could see I was sitting on tile floor and the trash bags around me were overflowing with something slimy.
Suddenly, a familiar gruff voice rang throughout the building. “Find her! I know that sound was Samantha. She’s going to try something- the stupid brat.”
Now, to my terror, the man spoke directly to me. “I know you can hear me, Samantha doll! Come out now and nothing will happen to you…”
Ya right. That's probably what they told Haley before they knocked down my apartment door...
I continued to huddle in my corner in the fetal position wondering what I could do now. Just as a sob about broke through my lips, a harsh white light was turned on in the hallway outside my door. I blinked a few times as my eyes adjusted. From the light in the hall I could now see my surroundings, and the slimy things that were falling out of the trash bags. Now I knew where the smell was coming from.
All around me sat trash bags that were overflowing and torn. Their contents were terrifying. Each bag contained different body parts and limbs, pale as the moon and cut at odd angles. The limbs ranged from arms and legs to feet and torsos. They all were covered in a thick and white sludge that was spilling out of the bags and onto the tile. Starting to hyperventilate I looked into the bag next to me only to meet another pair of eyes-dead ones at that. A decapitated woman’s head with her eyes still open sat staring into my soul. Her mangled hair was all but gone and her lips were parted as if she was trying to tell me to run.
I couldn’t help myself. I screamed.
As soon as the scream escaped my lips I knew that all hope was lost.
“I heard her! This way!” Footsteps echoed through the hall, drawing closer to me with every second.
With no other choice I stood up and ran out of the horrible room, not stopping to look where I was going. I only looked up long enough to see the front door I had come through a foot away. I pumped my arms and legs faster, willing myself to the door.
Just as I was within reach of the handle, strong and rough arms snatched my waist. I screamed once again as the arms took me away from my escape and hauled me to the room at the end of the hall. I fought and kicked with all my strength, grabbing and clawing whatever I could get my hands on. With each futile attempt the arms only grew tighter around me. A door was opened and I was shoved into the room I once heard the voices arguing from.
With a gasp I took in the gruesome and horrifying scene in front of me.
End of chapter
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Hi there! The sipnosis was interesting, really caught my attention. After reading the chapter, you've got yourself a really good plot there!
Samantha's character was well-portrayed, introvert, nerdy, not much of a social butterfly, loves her sister, responsible-- a somewhat opposite of Haley, which makes the story interesting with the contrasting characters.
For a first chapter this was a really strong start. Simple descriptions, not too much detail-- but not too little, either-- prevents the reader (me, in this case) from getting bored. Her anxiety when she discovered the broken door-- her thoughts on Haley-- her abrupt actions when she called. Everything was a good job.
By the way, there was a part I disapproved of.
"After about 20 minutes of breathing in smoke and dirt filled air, I arrived at the door to my apartment building."
I would suggest changing all numbers to words, no matter how big the digit is. Unless if it's to portray time (like 3.30 am, 6th of June) you should change the numbers to words. This is a very small mistake and I am merely suggesting, you don't have to change it if you disagree.
Basically that was all I saw.
Overall, this is a real good chapter-- strong start, great suspense and action, strong characterization, promising plot. I look forward to the next chapter! :3
~Brunnera
Hello there! Sarah, here to save your chapter from the green room!

WOWZA, THAT WAS AWESOME! You have a really unique and cool story line going here. I was immediately hooked into this first chapter. Of course, I can't really see where you're going this, but taken from that ending, I assume it's something... well, bad. First, let me start off with the things I liked.
I like how you portrayed your main character. She seems cool, laid back and mature. I like how she worries about her sister because she genuinely cares for her and not because she's obsessive over her. It's a good thing knowing your main character isn't crazy. Also, I like the amount of description you used, and your dialogue was well written, to say the most part. You do a good job at keeping the reader engaged - I didn't find myself bored at any part of your chapter. Your spelling and grammar were spot on as well, so a big thumbs up to you, my friend!
Now for the mistakes I noticed.
You seem to have a weak spot for your usage of commas (punctuation in general, but mostly your commas). There are lots of missing commas in a lot of your sentences.
For example, "Do you understand me or not?" Should be, "Do you understand me, or not?" and "What are you getting at girl?" Should be written as, "What are you getting at, girl?" and so on. But those are of course easily fixed with a little bit of editing. Another problem - your lack in italics. Your character seems to think to herself a lot and when the dialogue is internal, it should be expressed in italics.
For example, "Is there an intruder? Should I even go in there? Who would want to rob someone living in these apartments?" Should all be in italics so it shows that she is thinking this.
Also, just a little nitpick: "Think think think think think!!" I felt like this was just way too much. If you're going to repeat a word for emphasis, consider using italics or just simply cutting it down a little. Three should be a good limit to your word repetitions. "Think, think, think!" Would be more fitting.
As for the plot and story line, I found this one of the most interesting stories yet. I'm so excited to see what happens next! Is Haley alright? Is Derek really the one behind her disappearance? What's going to happen to Samantha? Oh, so many questions that I can't wait to be answered!
Anyway, hope you continue with this story because I am looking forward to more! Happy writing, my friend!
Aw, thank you! I will definitely apply those changes and work on my commas
Thanks so much for the review!