Rachel had never been so embarrassed. Only ten minutes earlier, all of the other students had finished filing out of the classroom for recess after finishing art. Curiously, the art students were working on humor and the class period had been focused on caricatures. “The most important part of the Renaissance is obviously mirth,” her Art teacher, Ms. Sarkman said. Then Herbert raised his hand. “I thought erotica was the main focus?” he asked inappropriately. He was very annoying as he always had a different sense of humor to the others. An outbreak of giggling was immediately silenced by Ms. Sarkman’s fierce glare. This had earned the teacher the unfortunate nickname of “Rude-eyed bear”, taken from a history lesson about their own capital, and where they lived, in the bustling cities and crowded apartments of Tokyo. It was passed down from year to year. Nobody would ever forget it. But proud of her own drawing, Rachel left the room, feeling hungry, to buy a tiny platter of salmon from the cafeteria. Leaving behind her two best friends, Sammie and Summer. The two girls had decided to do some improvements on their own drawings, but were giggling and whispering excitedly. Normally the girls were inseparable, but it seemed as if the two friends had come up with some rather interesting ideas. That, or they were up to something.
A soft voice suddenly awoke her from her private thoughts. “OK?” said the apparent stranger behind her. Turning around tentatively, she noticed it was Matt. For some reason, she could not stand being close to him. It just made her feel embarrassed, because (in her mind) Matt was one of the cutest boys at school. But once she got to know him a bit more, she could never stop fantasizing about him. They hung out together a few times, next to the abandoned robot factory (when Rachel could muster up the courage to improve their friendship). “N..n..n...no I was just getting some salmon…” she stuttered. “Want some money?” She wished for a miracle. She was getting a darker shade of pink every second, and was glad when her face stopped at crimson. “I’ve g..g...got some…” Matt glanced at her furtively, then turned away and strode down the hall. Forgetting about her spending an awkward time with Matt, time passed quickly amid happy shouts and screams of the Ultimate Frisbee game, interrupted a few times by Herbert, now unofficially the world’s most annoying person (he kept on catching the frisbee). Coming back, she noticed something strange.
Sammie passed her, giggling madly, and as she caught Summer’s eye Summer hasty made to hide a book, glowing with mirth. She grabbed her bag, and switched to the next class, Arithmetic. Smiling widely, Summer, passed her her book. She snatched it away, Summer turning back quickly. She went along, but suddenly some people stared. She looked at her clothes and bag, making sure hadn’t spilled any paint. She started. Written on her book, in big fat black marker, were the words “I ♡ Matt” written a dozen times. Herbert appeared, laughing. “You!” she half shouted.
“No, no, it was the two friends Sammie and Summer. I can’t wait to tell Matt!”
She tried to stop him, but that only made her notebook more prominent.
She sighed deeply. Math was a quadruple period, and fortunately, it was so boring everybody didn’t mention Rachel’s not-so-secret secret. Today's unit was Ratios, meaning they had to figure out pi cubed to the equivalent of pi squared, both multiplied by the sum of two squares. Even Rachel was glad to get out of that horrible lesson. But at lunch, after eating her main diet of homemade tempura and rice, she saw angrily that Herbert was speaking silently into Matt’s ear. Matt went over to Rachel instantly. She tried to run away as she noticed she was turning a magenta, but Matt folded her hand into his and squeezed it, looking at her furtively. “Really?” he asked, but Rachel was still frozen with shock, caught unawares of his speed. “Are you, like, okay?” She couldn’t answer, and thankfully Matt noticed her blushing to the very roots of her hair, going away to Science with quite a few glances back.
But she couldn’t avoid him for ever - her luck was soon to run out. Because Matt caught up with her again after school, seeming unrested. “Explain.” he said immediately, slightly dangerously but still softly and with a hint of worry, grabbing her shoulders. Rachel couldn't move. She was frozen by instinct and her mind was in overload. He pulled her close and glanced away. Now she could see his feelings in his eyes. Realisation dawned over her. It was not shock. It was love. Suddenly, without thinking, without planning it, without worrying about anything else, she kissed him. She couldn’t tell if it was several seconds, several minutes or even several sunlit days, until he slowly drew back, awaiting her reaction. She gave a small smile like she always meant to do it, now even Matt going a deep shade of cerise, then both walked away.
The fact that Rachel was going out with Matt left many people speechless, most of them girls. She didn’t know what was better: Sammie and Summer apologizing to her a dozen times, Herbert looking extremely forlorn that his plan hadn’t worked, or actually being on a date with the crush of her life.
A decade later, they married.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hello there Ferruccio. It's me, outvaders, I'm here for to review your work this Review day.
This short story was surprisingly smooth to read, but it didn't come with its own few flaws. I'll enumerate three for now, since I'm actually burned out from reviewing.
First off, there is an inconsistency between the setting and the identities of the characters. It says in the first paragraph that the setting of the story is in Tokyo. Or at least I think that's what that line is trying to imply. Although it says that the story is set in Tokyo, the characters' names don't sound Japanese. Sarkman, Sammie, Summer, Matt, Herbert, Rachel, these all sound English and not Asian in the slightest. Thus, the setting of Tokyo in this story seems very doubtful and unbelievable.
Secondly, is where you put more than more than two lines of dialogue in one paragraph. This happened in the first, second, and sixth paragraphs. I don't usually comment on grammar, but I'll make an exception for this since this isn't really a well-known rule. Basically, only one line of dialogue is allowed per paragraph. Like so:
"Hey, did you hear about the Green Day concert?" he asked.
"No, could you tell me about it later?" she replied.
"Okay."
Lastly, the most glaring fault of this story is how underdeveloped Matt and Rachel are. Although we did get to see Rachel in action, we still don't know why she wants Matt. We see her get flustered when Matt is around, why Herbert is harassing her, but why? Why exactly does she want Matt? In romance, this is something that has to be explained, or at least hinted at.
However, the worst case is Matt. He received zero characterization. At the very least we know some things about Rachel, but Matt? We know nothing about him. And so when Rachel kisses him, it feels artificial. Or at least we feel nothing good about it. Because really, Matt feels more like a plot device for Rachel to get excited about, and not an actual breathing human being that has his own life, aspirations and motivations. That's what happens when you don't flesh out your characters whenever you write romance.
Anyways, that's all I have for now. I hope you picked up something from this review. I apologize if I haven't been as insightful as I should have. I'm a bit tired from reviewing. Please take the advice of other people, and just continue writing as you please.
-outvaders
Awww, i love this, I thought the ending was going to be different, I thought they weren't going to get together but yayy they did!
Positives:
- Relatable character - Rachael is just like me when it comes to crushes so I felt like I was in her shoes, her speech was just natural and not forced which made me engaged.
Negatives:
- Cliche description - 'frozen in shock' , it's a petty thing to point out but cliches bore me. Also I feel the description was more of you telling us than showing, I find it hard too but making the reader think for themselves makes the story more interesting.
Thanks for the review!!!!