Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression:
Anyway let's get right to it,
"Go and get the groceries, Gia!" her brother shouted. "Calm down, Matthew!" her mother shouted. "I won't go, Mum!" Gia shouted. "Fine! You can buy something, whatever you want at the grocery store!" her father shouted. Gia closed her trap reluctantly as she made for her room, and angrily glared at Matthew, who was wearing a half-smile on his face. Almost ripping her casual clothes, she changed as she grabbed some money. Going outside the door, she stopped to take a note from her dad explaining what she had to buy. Running to CitySuper, she didn't look back.
Okayy...that's an interesting start there. Not the most unique of setting or situations there, but a pretty interesting one nonetheless I think. You've created something that as a reader, does draw our attention a little, especially with the clear bit of anger on display there and the little argument that went down, those are the sorts of things that make you ask a few questions as a reader.
She couldn't help it. Just one tiny reaction. She had gotten all the things (5 'healthy' foods, 2 packs of noodles, 3 types of fruit, a 20-rasher packet of bacon, and 3 pints of pancake mix, working to 12 things total. Then it came. She saw some chocolate on the high shelf, some Hershey's chocolate. Her favourite. But it was too high. She sighed in despair but suddenly noticed the long line of spare trolleys peeking around the corner. Taking a trolley, she tentatively pulled it towards and stepped up silently, wobbling a bit. She grabbed the bar as fast as she could, but this time fate seemed to come. One leg fell as she lost her balance, and went down onto the hard floor. Well, nearly. If a pair of soft hands hadn't caught her, she would have fractured her ankle.
Okay this immediately went in a bit of a different direction there than what it appeared to initially be headed in, but at any rate, that makes for a pretty relatable moment and an interesting one too here. Its not quite continuing on the intrigue built up earlier, but this is proving interesting nonetheless. I do however think that little lest there could perhaps be shortened, it just seems to make the flow of this piece a little bit awkward there.
"So much for not attracting attention..." the stranger behind her muttered furtively, as she slowly turned around. He was a handsome boy, with short but flowing blond hair, no glasses but brown eyes. He was smirking slightly. "Hey!" she snapped as she tore herself out of his grip, which wasn't easy. He had gripped her softly, so she felt it wasn't easy to put on a big show of being disgusted. "Stubborn, but at its best..." He still appeared to be talking to himself. "Who're you calling stubborn?" she half-shouted, but turned scarlet as he turned away saying "You cutie. Who else." His smirk was starting to be slightly annoying. "Whaddya mean cutie?!? No way, Hozay!" she almost shrieked, but he went so far as to override her, muttering "Why else - you ARE cute... and my name is Alex... not Hozay. Anyways, I can see you don't want me. Bye." His smirk looked dangerous now.
"Wait - " but she was cut off. The so-called Alex and possible truant lawbreaker was gone.
Alright, well considering the title we're working with here, I suppose it makes sense to have a little scene like this to end on, buuut, I do find myself a little bit confused there with the rapid pace and the dialogue you have there. I feel like a little bit of a rewrite would do some good there. Overall, not a bad start here to a story, it just needs to be touched up a bit in a couple of places here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall:
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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Reviews: 4431
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