Rachel had never been so embarrassed. Only ten minutes earlier, everyone was dismissed for recess after finishing Art. Her two besties, Sammie and Summer, had stayed behind to do some improvements for their painting they were working together in class. Normally, they would be inseparable. But they were whispering excitedly which obviously meant that they had some good ideas. Matt, Rachel’s crush, suddenly stopped outside the door. He asked her if she was OK. She grinned, turning red. She stuttered a soft yes and went to play frisbee (she was on the mixed athletics team). Forgetting about her two bestie’s behaviour, time passed quickly amid happy shouts and screams of the Ultimate Frisbee game, interrupted a few times by Herbert, the world’s most annoying person. Coming back, she noticed something strange. Sammie passed her, giggling madly, and as she caught Summer’s eye Summer hasty made to hide a book, glowing with mirth. She grabbed her bag, and switched to the next class, Arithmetic. Smiling widely, Summer, passed her her book. She snatched it away, Summer turning back quickly. She went along, but suddenly some people stared. She looked at her clothes and bag, making sure hadn’t spilled any paint. She started. Written on her book, in big fat black marker, were the words “I ♡ Matt” written a dozen times. Herbert appeared, laughing. “You!” she half shouted. “No, no, it was the two friends Sammie and Summer. I can’t wait to tell Matt!” She tried to stop him, but that only made her notebook more prominent. She sighed deeply. Math was a quadruple period, and fortunately, it was so boring everybody didn’t mention Rachel’s not-so-secret secret. But at lunch, she saw angrily that Herbert was speaking silently into Matt’s ear. Matt went over to Rachel instantly. She tried to run, but Matt grabbed her hand and squeezed it, looking at her furtively. “Really?” he asked, but Rachel was still frozen with shock. Thankfully, by some miracle, he left for Science, but after school caught up with her again, seeming unrested. “Explain.” he said roughly. He pulled her close and glanced away. Suddenly, he was kissing her, and she was kissing him back like it was complete bliss. He slowly drew back, awaiting her reaction. She gave a small smile, then walked away. They were good friends ever since.
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hey! I'd like to say that the whole plot is great, but the structure of it needs more in depth detail. You skip a lot of areas without adding paragraphs and it doesn't flow together very fluently. I would recommend maybe slipping up your main points- like separating her leaving the Art class to when she is playing Ultimate frisbee. There are also a few details that could be easily fixed. For example, taking out some commas. They are useful in some situations but in others they seem to make awkward, run-off sentences. Hope I helped! Keep writing!
Thanks... I improved it in this story called "Rachel and Matt IMPROVED". Search it up! Your opinion was great!
Hey there, Ferruccio! I'll start off with listing the things I noticed as I read...
Rachel had never been so embarrassed.
This was a great way to begin. You dive straight into the action with a sentence which grasps my attention.
Sammie and Summer, had stayed behind to do some improvements for their painting they were working together in class.
This needs some rewording. It doesn't quite make sense. I suggest: ...to do some improvements for their painting they were working on in class. Since you say that it's 'their' painting, you don't need to say they were working together, because the reader can already guess it.
She grinned, turning red. She stuttered a soft yes and went to play frisbee (she was on the mixed athletics team).
The scene skip is very sudden here. Maybe say she stuttered the yes and hurried down the hall, then played frisbee.
She went along, but suddenly some people stared. She looked at her clothes and bag, making sure hadn’t spilled any paint.
I like this because you don't just say that she's feeling self-conscious, you show that she's feeling self-conscious in the way that she checks her clothes and bag.
She tried to run, but Matt grabbed her hand and squeezed it, looking at her furtively. “Really?” he asked, but Rachel was still frozen with shock.
This surprised me! I thought it would turn into a bullying scenario, but apparently he might have similar feelings???
“Explain.” he said roughly. He pulled her close and glanced away. Suddenly, he was kissing her, and she was kissing him back like it was complete bliss.
This might just be me, but because he talks 'roughly' I get the sense that he is kissing her forcefully when she doesn't want him to. Like sexual assault. I don't think that's what you were going for, since she feels bliss afterwards. So maybe swap the 'roughly' for a different word.
Okay, so my one major suggestion is that you add some paragraphing. As it is, the day speeds by super fast and I don't have much time to think about what's happening. It just skips from one scene to the next. If you added paragraphs, I would be able to ponder on moments for longer and it would add more emotion and anticipation to the story.
The major 'plus' was Rachel's character. You explore her in depth, letting me know everything from her school timetable to what people annoyed her. Because I was able to get to know her, I was able to relate and sympathise when things went wrong, and I was happy for her at the end.
The plot is well rounded, from start to end. It would great as a drawn out novella, I think. Keep it up!
Thanks!