z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Dan and Ginny

by Ferruccio1234567


Dan was a good-looking 13-old teen, with black hair cut short, carbon-fibre glasses and tall but a mite muscly. He sat back on his bed blinking the realisation from his brain. It was Monday, the day he dreaded. He shoved his glasses on and went into the bathroom. Checking his reflection in the mirror, he brushed his teeth with a golden-charcoal toothbrush given to him by his uncle. His older sister, Rachel, went in as he went out. She was pretty at 23, with long blue hair and had a boyfriend named James, who Dan thought of as a brother - he had been orphaned at 5 and his sister looked after him from that. He ran the three miles to school - he was in the cross-country team until he discovered MMA and resigned, still practicing every morning as his school, Meijin Academy, was far in Tokyo, and he lived in a small countryside house. Someone had moved in recently.

He opened the glazed doors and joined the flood of students molling around until the bell ran. He arrived at advisory (they had a little talk time before class) and saw Ms. Sago, the teacher who always drank coffee, Mr. Rango, the caretaker, and Lady Kawaguchi, by far the best teacher. He was in her class, 1.3. He went in but saw by surprise there was a new student. She was beautiful, with short, flaming red hair and dressed exactly like a person fitting in. Dan had an instant crush. The teacher introduced her as Ginny Redwood and Ginny's soft voice won Dan over. It turned out she was Japanese, and her father was the legendary Meijin III, who the school was named after.

She sat next to Dan and he looked away, not wanting her to see him staring at her. Unluckily, she noticed him, and Dan reluctantly looked back. He turned scarlet as she grinned at him, and was happy when the bell rang for Mathematics. Ginny just followed everyone else. Usually, he was the best at arithmetic, but Ginny turned out better than he thought, zooming to the top of the class, placing her next to him (the best students were at the back, and so on). She squeezed his hand as if to say no hard feelings, but he blushed deeply and looked down.

Needless to say, Dan was the first out the door when English came, but Ginny followed him, asking what happened now. Dan could have punched himself. This was her first day. Dan told her how there are timetables, and gave his spare copy to her. She said thanks and Dan suddenly felt light-hearted. The topic of the day was poems, and Dan was surprised Ginny knew a lot of it. When recess finally came, Ginny asked Dan to give her a tour, so Dan led her around, carefully keeping a distance from others to avoid attracting attention. He pointed out the drama theatre, the club rooms, the different classrooms, the basketball field (His friends Mark and Jacob called out to him but he shook his head, glancing at Ginny, and they mimed out "Dan and Ginny, sitting on a tree" but stopped when Jacob had to score a two-pointer.

Most unfortunately, Ginny noticed, and looked furtively at Dan. He quickly led her to the back of the school, the main attraction, a huge Gunpla shop with a 1/1 titanic Zaku in the front. The bell rang and they jumped, rushing back.

Design passed in a flash, and after lunch (Dan told Ginny how the canteen served sushi and tempura) it was suddenly Science. Ginny picked Dan for her partner instantly so Dan had to explain how they had to measure the acidic ratio of binary-measured molecules in a drop of mercury. It quickly passed, and his classmate Sam accidentally dropped a test tube. Mr. Thomas cleaned it up and they went home.

Dan noticed Ginny getting on a car. He then ran one mile, but noticed the same car a few yards away. He quickened his pace and saw Ginny glancing at him out of the window. The car stopped and Ginny opened the window. She grinned again and asked him where he was going. He told her his address, and Ginny said that was the same place she lived - she was the new neighbour. Her grandfather, an old sixties man in a dirty, homey suit, invited him to get on, and the grandfather introduced himself as Saga Adou. Mr. Adou glanced at his daughter inquisitively, as if Dan was her boyfriend. Ginny shook her head, smiling as if it was amusing. Noticing Dan staring, she glowed, and at that point Dan fully appreciated how beautiful the mountains of Fuji were. He waved goodbye quickly. He was nervous as he entered the door, and sunk down as he saw Rachel next to the window. Rachel asked him about her, and suddenly she put her hand on his shoulder. She told him not to worry, as if Rachel already knew Dan had a mega-crush on Ginny.

The next day, the school bullies, Matthew, Angus and Marx cornered him, asking for money. He backed away, but his last bit of hope was gone as he saw Ginny coming, hands in pockets. She told the bullies to go away, and gave them some yen. She helped Dan up and whispered to him that “It’s all right, Dan”. She grinned as Dan stuttered the single word money but Ginny shushed him and told him they were fake. “Let’s go”, she said.

Word got around that the money was fake. He could only tell his best friend, Wilfred who had been with him since grade four. Wilfred grinned immediately and asked whether Ginny had a crush on Dan. They both started when there was a soft “Yes” . Ginny was there, and at that point Dan could have kissed her.

She backed away, disappearing, and the rest of the day passed in a flash. A few days later, it was Valentine’s. Dan made a card for Ginny but kept it anonymous. Ginny burst in on Dan once at recess while he was improving it, and read it, snatching it out of Dan’s reach. She at once replied: “There are only two answers - you are interfering with my mail or….” She sighed and returned the card. When they gave the cards out, Dan could see Ginny was reading his, but could have sworn Ginny was glancing at him after he looked away.

There was a loud boom that night. Rachel and Dan were not yet asleep, Dan doing his homework, and they looked outside. A small circular object was heading towards them. “It’s a grenade...” Rachel whispered. “RUN!” Dan shouted. They ran all the way to the next clump of houses, several yards away. They hurried back and saw the house was ruined, but since it landed inside, strangely it seemed to do no damage. The strawberry bushes they had planted a few years ago looked exactly the same. Ginny ran out, followed by the legendary Meijin, and she hugged him instinctively. The Meijin chatted with Rachel for a few minutes, and suddenly Rachel tapped Dan on the back and told him they were staying at the Meijin’s house for the night. Ginny led Dan to her room and told him he could sleep on her bunk bed. Dinner was one of the best, top of the range salmon and deep-fried king prawn with rice, and before lights out Ginny cornered him. They were all alone as Ginny grabbed both his shoulders. “Stay safe, Dan” she muttered. She led him to his bunk on the lower deck and climbed up. Dan promptly fell asleep.

One week later, the ReHab team came. They rebuilt the foundations of the house and applied the cement. Dan and Rachel moved back in. 


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41 Reviews


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Fri Mar 10, 2017 11:25 pm
LadyEvvy wrote a review...



Alright, review time!

First of all, while this is an interesting premise, this passage seems very condensed and to-the-point. We don't get much time to know Shia as a character or how she interacts with her family. I can understand why you would want to keep it short, but the lack of detail here makes this introduction sound more like note taking than storytelling.

As Princess Ink pointed out, some of the interactions feel a bit unrealistic. Why would parents abruptly decide to throw their own daughter out of the house, especially with her record of hard work and straight As? Since she tries to steal chocolate a little later, does she have a history of breaking laws? Maybe her family takes huge pride in their reputation, as some Japanese families do, and didn't want Shia's scandal on their hands? Readers need to understand the characters better to find their actions believable.

Lastly I'm wondering if one of Shia's parents isn't Japanese. You said she was of Japanese descent, but Wilfred isn't a particularly Japanese name, and to my knowledge neither is Shia. There's nothing wrong as long as there's a reason for this, but without any explanation it takes away from the believability of a Japanese setting. This is a great opportunity to draw on the interest of a culture that's foreign to most of us, so use that to your advantage! Give us lots of displays of Japanese life and how it differs from ours!

I hope this review was helpful. This is an interesting premise that just needs a bit of polishing. I bit more time laying out the details would really help this piece shine! Good luck and keep writing!






About you said on the names - I got them from Gundam Build Fighters Try (myTVsuper in HK) and it's kind of Japanese so =) and Thanks!



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Fri Mar 10, 2017 4:34 pm
PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hello, @Ferruccio1234567,

Shia is a pretty likable character and the setting--in Tokyo--is interesting.

One problem here is that the paragraphs are too long and I have difficulty reading it. You should separate multiple lines of dialogue into different paragraphs.

The beginning was pretty abrupt in my opinion. I don't understand why Shia was suddenly accused of graffiti. The scene felt rather unrealistic. I thought that maybe the two--Shia and Wilfred--might put up more of a resistance to their parents.

And also, I don't know what kind of parents will just threaten to abandon their kids so easily. It's just my opinion, but like I said before, slightly unrealistic.

Overall the story was a rather interesting, although some parts are unrealistic.

Hope this review helped and feel free to ask if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

Princess Ink






I wrote another short story (edited it) as I felt it was more appropriate and I will publish the full book when I finish. Thanks!



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