We laughed and bathed
in the rays of sunlight.
When the sky was blue,
when everything was alright.
The clouds refused to show their gray faces.
And so you and I were tight.
Everything was aces
when it wasn't night.
But then, when the atmosphere changed its hue,
when an army of darkness invaded the sky.
When thunder became the only sound I knew,
I screamed a distinctive cry.
Where, oh where. Where are you?
My heart is emptied and laid bare.
I've lost my life, my warmth, my sight.
How I miss the time when you were there,
the time when it wasn't night.
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140,083 Literary Works • 672,994 Reviews
Hi Inferno. It's Serrurie, here to leave a review (but you already knew that). I've been reading a lot of poetry, but I've kinda just been following Ellie around to see what she's been reviewing. Anyways, let's dive in:
The Good Stuff
- Okay. You are AMAZING at rhyming, and the overall rhyme scheme. Everything is perfectly on-beat (which is always appreciated).
- Your descriptions are really well done. It's easy to visualize everything, and it personally made me think of a wide-open sky in a field. The first half of the poem is very optimistic, showing how perfect things are in the daytime, which is a stark contrast to the second, more depressing end of the poem. You did well incorporating multiple emotions into this.
Room For Improvement
- Personally, despite all of the amazingness about this poem, I don't think the emotions in the poem provoked any emotions in me. Maybe I'm just cold-hearted, but I think that the lack of detail about what actually happened negatively impacted the poem. I think it could use a bit more details about how the character is feeling on the inside.
- This poem was good! It was short and sweet, and I think with a few improvements, it could be even better. Keep doing what you're good at.
Happy writing, and have a blessed day!
Serrurie
Hey friend, well ha ha it’s me again. I’ve decided to go through all of your poems and give them a nice read and review. one thing that I have noticed, amongst your poetry, is a common theme. All of your poems seem to reflect on the past, focusing on an inability to change a certain circumstance or life situation. I love poetry like this because it really looks at the past and looks at human life in an honest way.
This poem, in particular, seems to reflect on a time in the past when everything was OK. I picture friends, lying on the grass and bathing in the sunlight, looking up at the sky and feeling completely peaceful, knowing that everything is all right. But then, somehow they grew apart and now we are in a situation where we are torn apart, and don’t feel this closeness anymore.
You have a very poetic, beautiful, and mature tone in this poem. It feels very straightforward and grown-up, almost as if it reflects the growth that has taken place between our characters. The speaker states how they have lost the warmth and life that they once had when their friend was there. And now they are lost, on their own, without this person who is all the security that they needed to keep going, I love how simple is. Overall, this was another short and sweet poem, but it was filled with a lot of emotion and reflection. I would love to see more personal details, perhaps a description of someone’s eyes or the way they used to smile, or more information as to how they grew apart . Keep on writing and I’ll keep on reading!
Your friend,
Ellie
Thank you again Ellie! Your reviews always mean a lot to me, and you are a huge part of my writing journey, encouraging and helping me improve! So grateful for you!
Inferno~
I really love what you have done with this poem. The imagery is immaculate! I love the line "the clouds refused to show their gray faces." This to me paints a picture of "gray" and empty feelings.
"When thunder became the only sound I knew." Wow! That is an amazing line. This poem is so heartbreaking, I love this line! It really captures the essence of the empty feeling the narrator is feeling. I love it so much.
~AmberMelanie
Thank you for sharing this. It perfectly captures the feeling of emptiness and abandonment. I especially liked the metaphors you used...indeed, there is only darkness without light.
The last two lines struck me. Yes, there was a time, where the world was bright, when we were with those whom we love. I think this hurts much more when you yourself have experienced the joys of love and friendship, only for it to be taken away...
Beautiful and strong poem. There is a strong contrast between day and night, between life and death. It really shows strength of death, life, love and separation. And yet, this time of day, of joy is hidden between the lines of sorrow, of emptiness. Thank you very much for sharing this poem!
It's a very nice poem. It made me think of those who we love may leave us one day, which is no easy to accept. But I firmly believe all separations are for a better reuion.