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Young Writers Society


Language Violence

Fists of Fate - Chapter 2 (Fox and Ricardo Arcs)

by FantasyWriter76


Ricardo was the run-of-the-mill criminal, stealing stuff, fighting guys, the usual. But he didn't like what he did he always wanted to be a great hero. Someone people looked up to and made toys out of. But he had to resort to crime due to his poor family and lack of redeeming qualities.

Fortunately, the 8th Annual L.C.F.F.T. came along. And with the promise of a life-changing relic, Ricardo Emmanuel entered in hopes of winning and snagging the Fist of The Fates to become the most powerful and strongest hero there has ever been. With superpowers to boot!

Ricardo Emmanuel, Wannabe hero

  • Species: Human
  • Backstory: A poor Mexican man forced to resort to crime just to get by. Wants to win L.C.F.F.T. to become a superhero with powers and get money to help his family survive. 26 years of age.
  • Specialties: Hand-to-hand combat, armed melee combat
  • Massive comic book fan, though most people think he likes sports.

Ricardo sits in the fighter locker room. The amount of money spent on this room REALLY reflects how much L.C. cares about the fighters here. On a T.V. screen, a boy with fox tails and ears fights some dude with robot legs. "Man, there is some real loco people 'ere." Ricardo expresses in a mixture of disgust and bewilderment.

                                     ...

"BEGIN!" 

Said the loud person on the mega speakers in the arena.

Suddenly, trees, grass, and bushes started sprouting from nowhere. This must have been what they meant when they said: "FOR THIS FIGHT, THE STAGE WILL ARTIFICIALLY CREATE A FOREST GROUND FOR THE FIGHT!"

Iron Legs smirked, "One word: Good luck." Fox laughed at Iron Legs' stupidity. "Good luck is two words, dingus." 

As the fight began, Iron Legs held up his foot at Fox. Fox shrugged while smirking, "What exactly are you gonna do with tha-" Before Fox finished, the foot launched forward, hitting Fox. The foot then exploded, blasting Fox back through several trees. "Ow, maybe I was too cocky."

Iron Legs started kicking trees out of the way, making his way to Fox. "Crap, crap, crap!" Fox had to think of something. He hid in a bush. If Fox could just conjure some gauntlets, he could take on Iron Legs easily...

"Come out, boy!" Legs shouted. Out of nowhere, Fox came out with a right hook with metal claw gauntlets. Fox thought, "Yes! A successful hit!" Iron Legs got back up and charged. "You want a piece of me?" Fox yelled, charging fist forward.

A powerful clash of metal can be heard throughout the stadium. Fox's fist and Legs' leg clashed, with a force output equal to two rhinos colliding. With lightning-fast speed, Fox and Legs crashed their metal. Repeatedly, they traded strong blows to each other.

"You are a worthy competitor, but not smart, Mr. Iron Legs." The REAL Fox appeared behind Iron Legs and slashed his back. Iron Legs yelled out.

"HOW DID YOU DO THAT, BOY?"

"Magic------," Fox replies.

Iron Legs stared at the Fox in front of him, which disintegrated into sand on the ground. Iron Legs shouted, in pain from the bleeding.

Fox returned to the shadows. "Perfect," Fox thought.

                                      ...

When Fox was in the bush before conjuring the gauntlets and the Fox Illusion, Fox thought of a plan. "Iron Legs has no legs. I could use a healing spell, but his amputated lower half has already mended, but if I injured him, then heal him with max power exertion, his legs could regrow completely and the prosthetics would crush his legs, causing him to surrender from critical damage!"

                                      ...

Fox revealed himself, saying the final words before Iron Legs would lose. "Unfortunately for you, serious injury and killing are allowed." Fox heals Iron Legs.

"FULL POWER MENDING!" Fox yells.

Iron Legs laughed, "Healing me? You're just helping me win." Iron Legs kept laughing, unaware his legs were regrowing and were being crushed by the titular item that made him who he was.

"ARRRRGGHH! I! AM! Iron!... Legs..." Iron Legs fell to the ground with a huge thud.

"FOX IS THE WINNER!"

The Announcer, as well as the crowd, were utterly shocked at Fox's pure magic skill and strategy.

The telecom then announced that, "Ricardo Emmanuel is up against a Ms. Emma Agne. Get prepared."

Next time, be introduced to Emma Agne, a European model, who is also a secret spy who tries to infiltrate the L.C.F.F.T. to stop Luminous Conflux's secret plan using the Fist of The Fates. Watch as Emma and Ricardo fight for their, and possibly everyone in the universe's, futures!


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Sun Sep 16, 2018 10:25 pm
FantasyWriter76 says...



This story has been edited. All mentions of magic not existing and being revealed have been removed because it's a contradictory plot problem.
-FW76




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Tue Aug 07, 2018 10:42 pm
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SubSubLibrarian wrote a review...



Hey FantasyWriter! Popping in for a review.
I like your story so far. It has a great plot and conflict. Unfortunately, I can't just tell you what I liked about it.
There are some flaws in the writing, mostly just little errors that make dialogue and description awkward, like one or two left out words. Sometimes there is a wrong word, or one that just doesn't fit well. For example, when Fox says "IT IS TIME WE MYSTICAL CREATURES REVEAL THEMSELVES!" It would make more sense if he said "ourselves" rather than "themselves" because he already said we, which includes him. If he had said "IT IS TIME MYSTICAL CREATURES REVEAL THEMSELVES!" it also would have made sense. You have to think of the tense and context.
Speaking of tense, there are some parts where the tense changes.
"A powerful clash of metal can be heard throughout the stadium. Fox's fist and Legs' leg clashed, with a force output equal to two rhinos colliding."
The first sentence is present tense and the second sentence is past tense. Most of the chapter is past tense, so you might want to make it all uniformly past tense. "A powerful clash of metal can be heard...", with "can be heard" suggesting current events, like the sound can be heard right now. The proper word would be "could", as in the sound could be heard then.
It could also use more varied sentence structure and better pronoun usage.
I really like your story and I hope that what I said is useful for you.




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Sat Jun 23, 2018 4:18 pm
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PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hey FantasyWriter! Here to clear out the Green Room!

I remember reading the Prologue and Chapter One a while ago, and how Fox is against Iron Legs. It's very interesting to begin with a profile of another fighter. I like it because it helps me see who the fighter is, what he or she likes/dislikes, why he or she is participating. It's very interesting to see Ricardo as a "forced" criminal who wants to actually be an idolized hero. It'll make me cheer for him through the coming battles for him. In fact, I think I'm more interested in him than in Fox.

Maybe one reason I'm more interested in Ricardo is because I feel as though Fox is tough and strong (though Ricardo is obviously!) and doesn't have a lot of trouble fighting. He won the battle easily--maybe a little too easily. I want to see him struggle a bit, because this is after all the first round in case he's not used to this tournament. I want to sit on the edge of my seat excitedly and race through the battle scene, and right now I'm having a little trouble with that. Just a quick suggestion would be maybe not mention Fox's plans a bit--distance from his plans, so the reader--I--can be surprised. Like the fake ones would be an excellent place where I'd think it was Fox, but then whoa! the real Fox appears and then I can understand he sent a decoy to Iron Legs.

As for the magic, I also felt as though the response was a bit underwhelming here. I imagine it must be such a ginormous surprise, and here we sort of skim over it. I don't know. Maybe it would be great if you slowed a bit, showed more, like in the writing adage "Show, don't tell". I'm not a devoted advocate of that adage because I think telling can be effective too, but in this case, I think showing would help expression the reaction this would cause. I'm super interested to know how this reveal that magic does exist will affect Fox, and the whole competition and other competitors anyway.

And there's also going to be a model-and-spy? Cool. This next battle may be very interesting.

Anyway, hope this review helped! Feel free to use or disregard my advice--after all, you know best for what works in your story.

-Ink




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Tue Jun 05, 2018 5:19 am
Boluk wrote a review...



I'm going to review this chapter....that is all. I must say, I do adore how you made a description for Ricardo as it seems to give me a Kill Bill kind of vibe. Take that for what you will. One thing That I noticed right off the bat was that this chapter began with some charachter development and ended with character development and we are able to see how Fox's mind works. Your story also ended with a cliffhanger which is good since it makes the reader's mind crave for more. However this story isn't all bacon and eggs, there is still some burnt toast in the shape of the descriptions. I must admit I do suffer with this to a far greater extent than you do but I do have a really keen eye for finding it to. In the part where you Describe Ricardo's room you merely say "The amount of money spent on this room REALLY reflects how much L.C cares here" you should really put a bit more effort into your descriptions to make the reader really want to be in your story. In conclusion although this story has a few rough parts it was mainly pretty great I rate you 3 and a half "FULL POWER MENDING!" Out of 5





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