Fox was walking through the contestant-only zone to the training gym. On his way there, he saw a tan man opening the door to go in. To Fox, he was familiar... it was none other than Ricardo Emmanuel!
"Hey, you're Ricardo, right?" Fox asked across the hall.
"Yeah, what?" Ricardo responded.
"I want to talk with you about your cool fight a few days ago."
"So, about the way that you chomped on that bullet, how'd you do that?" Fox asked, attention set.
"Well, I was a criminal, but I want to change my ways to help my family, which is why I entered. In all those years, I've become skilled in many different street-style fighting methods, so I've pushed my limits to reach greater levels." Ricardo replied.
Fox was very interested to hear this. Apparently, anyone in any social class could participate. "I wanted to help my mother once, but she's gone now," Fox whispered to himself.
"Wait," Ricardo started... "You're that kid who was all magic and stuff, right? What's up with that?" Ricardo asked.
Fox didn't know how to reply, "Well, we need to go somewhere private..."
"Woah, I'm a straight man!" Ricardo said startled.
"That's not what I meant! I can't show you my secret." Fox said.
"Like I said..." Ricardo murmured.
"Ssssshhh!" Fox was not in the mood for this.
Emma was cross, she was infuriated that a coin flip determined her fate. As she stomped through the halls, she saw that Alexandria woman, brushing her sword by the wall.
"What's your problem?" Emma asked, furiously. Xandria did not reply.
"You can't just go out there almost killing people! Answer me!" Emma said. No reply.
"You answer me when I talk to you!" Emma was so enraged by everything about her situation, she slapped Alexandria's sword to the ground and slapped Xandria in the face.
'Xandria had enough of Emma's blabbering. Telekinetically, Xandria told the Siphon that it could do whatever it wanted. The Siphon took all its energy and took control of Alexandria.
"You know what her problem is?" said a voice from Xandria, yet it was a monotone male voice. "She doesn't take commands FROM YOU!"
Emma's world got distorted, and she ran away.
Fox made sure that no one would be coming to the bathroom any time soon. "Ok, I think we're good."
"So what's this 'secret' you're talking about?" Ricardo questioned.
"Well, you see... I'm a nine-tailed fox. A Kitsune." Fox replied.
"Wait, so the ears and tails are real?"
"Yeah, why?"
"I thought you were a furry."
Fox was embarrassed at the assumption. "Well, if you need more proof..." Fox started speaking an incantation in Japanese and became a huge nine-tailed fox that could barely fit in the room.
"Holy..."
"Yeah, yeah, I know," Fox said in a deeper voice. "Just keep this a secret."
"Okay..." Ricardo managed to spit out, mouth agape.
said Hank, referring to the fight taking place. On a simulation of a snowy clearing, a man named Blink, who can teleport, is fight the Gladiataur, a minotaur man.
"You can't beat me, Mr. Gladiataur, I'm too fast for you!" Blink taunted, rapid striking Gladiataur from all angles. One solid right hook from Blink, and Gladiataur was down.
Next time, Fox fights Dominic Gemini, an inventor who has created a machine used to clone himself to help fight in battle. Who will prevail? Only time will tell...
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140,722 Literary Works • 673,680 Reviews
Heyo, FantasyWriter!
I saw your blog post, so I thought that I'd stop in for a review! Friendly note, however: if you're searching for reviews, then head on over to the Will Review For Food forum!
Okay! I'm going to start this review with some style notes. I'd heavily recommend cutting down on the caps and the bold. My reasoning is: all caps can grab the reader's attention, but it's effectiveness is incredibly reduced after the first couple of times. Yes, some of the characters are shouting and the announcements are loud, but a descriptive dialogue tag is usually enough to portray the resounding loudness that you want. Bold text can also grab the reader's attention, but this is also a tool that should be used sparsely. Honestly, one of my biggest pet peeves in writing is when bold text is overused. From the reader's end, it can make a well-paced paragraph into a slog to read. Ultimately, I'd honestly switch to italics if emphasis is the goal. Italics are often used for flashbacks and thoughts.
Leading into my point on thoughts, I'd suggest not using quotation marks to signify them. "This is confusing, because it initially leads the reader to register the words encased as being spoken instead of thought," I think, typing my thoughts onto the keyboard. However, italics are generally accepted to communicate that your character is thinking. I see italics use more often than not.
Another thing I would like to note is that you can't really go wrong with more description! If a character is feeling an emotion, then reading a physical description of that emotion (she choked on her tears, happiness burst through his chest, they couldn't stop fidgeting, etc) could help the reader connect more than just reading "she said sadly, he was happy, they were nervous". Also, descriptions of setting related to hearing and scent can be very impactful -- a lot of writers tend to focus on sight without really thinking of the other tangible tools out there.
Did the artificial forest smell like an actual forest? Or did it smell plastic-y? Were there noises echoing that of wildlife? How about the crowd? Are they rowdy during all of this?
Emma is a spy. She worked in the military. While she may have morals, I don't understand why this caused such an emotional reaction? Like, people in the tournaments are allowed to grievously injure and murder. It's not like that should really be a surprise to her? This scene feels a bit manufactured and I think Emma could have a stronger motivation for going to confront Xandria.
Question: Does Ricardo have any sort of superhuman abilities? I have a feeling that catching a bullet betwixt one's teeth would be very painful and would not result in great teeth. I mean, how does one practice catching bullets anyway? With that, why does Ricardo want to use the relic to become a superhero? Wouldn't it be easier to wish that his family was never poor?
Bouncing off of that, how did it only take Fox's declaration that magic was real to get the mystical beings to come out of hiding? I figure there's some sort of socio-political reason as to why mystical beings hide, so one declaration from one fighter might not necessary change years of fear that leads a group to go into fighting. That instant societal change that Fox caused feels like there should be a bit more weight to it. How does the society work?
Also! I'd love to see some rules for your magic system! What are the limits? What're the costs? Are there any sort of penalties? What's the source of all this magic?
Okay, so the organization of L.C. has this relic and they want to start another world war. Why? Or, rather, why haven't they started it already? If anyone who finds it gets a life changing wish, then... what's stopping them from using it right now? I highly doubt they found it, formed the organization, everyone in the organization used it, and then they went, "Y'know, we actually want to take over the world now. Oops." The prologue mentions needing to use someone's power as a battery, but the relic itself doesn't seem to have any limits. Anyone who finds it can get wish so powerful that it can alter the timeline -- it doesn't say that if the person isn't powerful enough, then the relic doesn't work.
Why does the organization want to start another world war anyway? What do they have to gain? What are there actual motivations? There are some characters where chaos is a good motivation -- such as the Joker -- however, I don't think that it's necessarily the strongest basis for an actual organization. Not to say that chaos can't be the motivator, but I think that the story would benefit from a stronger reason. That is, of course, if chaos is their reason. So, assuming that chaos isn't their reason, are their motivations political or monetarily related? If it's the latter, then why not just wish for all the money they could want? Is it's the former, why can't they wish that their political opponents never existed?
Okay! Those are the thoughts I have on this novel for now! I really do hope that you keep on writing, Fantasy. I can't wait to see what this story will turn into.
If you have any questions, then feel free to let me know! You can also ask questions over in the Resources forum! There are a ton of people there who would love to help you improve!
Once again, keep on writing!
-E
That makes a lot more sense. I was really confused about Fox and how he looked when I read he first chapter. I like how he showed someone his secret, but if the secret is really important, I'm surprised he told Ricardo (practically the first person he'd really met). It was cool that they had an interesting conversation. It made their motivations so real.
I also like how the fights continue, but aren't described in full detail when they don't involve the major characters. I hope Fox and Blink fight. It seems like the competitors are becoming more and more worthy.
I have to admit, I didn't like the encounter between Emma and Xandria. It seemed unnatural that Emma would have confronted Xandria at all, especially in the manner she did. Even if she was mad, I don't think she would have paid that much attention to anything outside her mission. And she wouldn't have cared that Xandria had almost killed someone. She was trying to shoot Ricardo in their match. She could have almost killed him or maybe actually killed him. It doesn't make sense for her to be like this, character-wise, unless there are other things we don't know about her yet. I really hope that the scene between Emma and Xandria wasn't a filler scene just written to introduce them to each other. You could have handled it better.
I feel like it would be cool if Emma and Fox got to know each other first and Xandria and Ricardo got to know each other first. Emma and Fox both have something to hide and they could relate to each other without actually knowing each others' secrets. Ricardo strikes me as the type of person who likes to listen to the sound of his own voice and won't really mind if he gets no response. Xandria might get annoyed with him, but I doubt she'd care enough to do something about his chatter.