Young Writers Society

This story has been slightly edited. This doesn't defeat the purpose of the reviews though, so don't worry if you reviewed this.
-FW76

Hey there!

I love the idea of a futuristic world, and an alternate timeline, with a magical fist that can grant you any wish you desire. However, as someone who loves the mystery and discovery reading can bring, I personally find it odd that you chose to give away your greatest secret in the opening scene! An evil corporation is just using these people as a means to gain even more power?? That's a hardcore secret that would be an amazing twist if revealed halfway through the book rather than in the first paragraph. Just like any good dystopia, the thing that makes it a dystopia is that no one knows they're being controlled by an evil entity until the main character figures it out and fights for everyone's freedom. Just something to think about.

Personally, it didn't appeal to me to have the information of the character laid out like a D&D character sheet. Name? Age? Race? Special abilities? It just seemed jolting and impersonal when you could have introduced those things in a way that would have flowed much better. You want your reader to root for your character from the beginning, and giving us a list of descriptions about the character isn't particularly the best way to get us on Fox's side. It's obvious that this is from Fox's point of view (even though it's third person), so there is so much you can do to clue us in to how he is feeling and what he is thinking during the entire process. Not only that, but you can take that time to describe the setting from his point of view as well. Tell us about the crowd that's cheering his name, tell us about the arena that he's walking up to, etc. Is this a fight to the death, or is it like a boxing match? A good way to showcase all these little details without dumping information on us would be to just have him watching the two competitors in the ring before him. Describe what's going on, how he feels, what it looks like, etc.

I have made a tiny change with "appearingly". It's been replaced with "...as a human resembling a young, 18-year-old male with kitsune-like physical traits like nine tails and ears."
Thanks for the support!

Hi, I’ve decided to pop in for a review. English isn’t my first language, so I’ll focus on the story rather than nitpicking about grammar and conjugation (if it’s readable, fine, I don’t care). So, please, take it with a grain of salt, but I’m not sure the adverb “appearingly” exists.

Okay, at the end of the first three paragraphs, I had two impressions. The first one was, wow, it’s going to be epic. I liked the use of the present, the simple, factual explanation. The second one was more of a question, really. If the Fist of the Fates grants you one wish, why not ask for a country-destroying weapon rather than putting this convoluted plan in motion?

I think you’ve missed two potential opportunities to make your readers laugh.
LCFFT sounds completely random. I don’t know if you plan to use that as a sort of recurring joke, but, if not, maybe you missed an opportunity. I like it when acronyms say something irrelevant and irreverent, like SPEW in Harry Potter, or something clever, like SHIELD in the Avengers. But that’s really just a personal preference.
I also think the commentator could bring a lot of humor to the scene. Instead of something bland and neutral that’s a lot like the introduction we’ve already had, you could go with, “And up next, we’ve got…” The commentator stops briefly, then in a tone of disgust, “Fox, no last name, against…Iron Legs.” To someone else, probably not realizing that his mike is still open, “Iron Legs?! You’re shitting me, right?! Oh, sorry,” he adds for the audience, “And now,” in a tone of renewed excitation, “Fox vs/ Iron Legs!!!!”

Now, about Fox. It was too short an introduction to the character for me to really form an impression of him. But I wondered, is he wearing sunglasses? Because I’ve got a picture of a young Horatio Caine (from CSI Miami) putting on his glasses with The Who going all out behind. It actually serves your character rather well. That and the healing he does, plus his calm compared to Iron Legs’ excitability makes him look competent, generous and “grown-up”. It’s not how I usually picture kitsunes, but what the hell…? Why not?
Sadly, Iron Legs doesn’t feel very real. I can’t get a handle on him. Is he, like, a vet that’s fed-up with incompetent competition? But, then, it feels like he loses his patience too quickly. Or is he a big bully? Or is it more like the type of heckling you hear in professional wrestling? I couldn’t decide.

Now, about the structure.
And, then, there is the short “videogame-like” introduction and you switch tenses. I won’t bother you with conjugation, but it’s really jarring, be careful. The introduction already tends to take you a little out of the story, so it’s a bad place to switch.
I also wasn’t too sure about Fox talking to himself. I kind of understand why he would, story-wise. Your narrator is omniscient but feels more like the audience, so it helps connect with your MP. But it can get annoying fast for the reader and, because of that, you’ve got a paragraph that’s all clunky and confusing:
>>>> "I'm better! It's a miracle!" Fox heard in the background. "Always feels good to do that." A hobby that Fox has is randomly healing injured people he comes across, he's quite the softy for the damaged. <<<<
It’s too bad too, because overall, I enjoyed the structure. I thought the videogame-like introduction wasn’t a problem at all. It contributed to creating an “arena” impression straight out of “Hunger Games” or “Thor Ragnarok”. And so did the countdown at the end.

Overall, I liked this first chapter. It wasn’t perfect but what is? I hope the criticism will be useful. I might drop in for a comment on the second chapter. I’m curious and that’s the most important part.

Good luck with the rest. Have a nice evening.

--Papillote out.

Note: There is a glitch on mobile making Fox's description awkwardly spaced between species and backstory. If you review this on mobile, on computers it is normally spaced.

Hello, Manilla here for a review. Let's get right in it, shall we?

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My only nitpick is that you switched tenses somewhere. Stick to either past or present tense!

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Your first half of the story provides readers with an ample amount of context for the events of the story, but it is not enough to explain the latter portion's setting or how the characters came to be. I do know that this is only a "prologue"; A suggestion would be writing one in greater detail and publishing it separately before introducing Fox's arc.

You leave us with a few questions to answer somewhere in the series.

1. What does L.C. stand for?

2. How did the Fist of Fates come to be?

3. How many Fists are there actually, since there have been 7 previous competitions so far. (You only mention one relic.)

Here is a more technical question involving the setup of your book: Why choose to explain the L.C. Company's exploitation of the Fist of Fates now instead of putting it as an epic plot twist nearing the end of the series?

Your pacing through Fox's arc of the story could be slowed down into detail so we understand the character's motives and setting better, for this is very important for a fantasy novel and first chapter. Like how did he come into the circumstances he's in now?

I agree with PrincessInk - This work seems like something you could build richly off of!

That's all from me.
-Manilla

{Feel free to disregard any comment you deem unhelpful or rude. That was not my intention.}

Hey FantasyWriter! Here for a review.

The premise sounds interesting. It's a tournament, but where the victor of it sort of ends up as the loser as the host sucks away their power. And the Fist. It must be incredibly powerful and dangerous as well. One irresponsible wish might possibly wreck the wisher's life--perhaps even Earth (if it exists here) and the whole universe! I'm a bit iffy about the prologue here because it sort of gives a big reveal. While that reveal is beneficial for sowing seeds of tension, I also think it is a tad spoilery . Knowing the badness that may come can make the reader more glued to the book instead!

I like to link to To prologue or not to prologue when I review prologues because I think it's beneficial to analyze whether your prologue is necessary or not. This prologue sounds like a narrator is telling us, the readers, about this and the narrator is a little different from the typical narrator who follows character(s) closely in the story.

Fox entered the lobby for the fighters before their matches begun. Pulling out a pair of glasses, he puts them on and looks around.

Meeting at the center of the arena, Iron Legs instantaneously burst out in laughter. "What's this?" Iron said in a gruff, military commander-like voice, "A boy?! I'm sorry, but is this my competition?!" he yelled for everyone to hear.