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The Funeral

by Fantascifi66


I woke up in the dark. My clothes felt odd on my skin. I must have been really tired yesterday, not taking off my clothes. A weird smell was in the air. There was no light coming from my window, so I tried to reach for my phone in my pocket, but it wasn't there. In fact, I didn't have any pockets, because I had my formal clothes on.  

Why did I have my formal clothes on? Was I even in my room? Everything feelt different. I am in my bed. Right?"

"No, I'm not. This mattress is softer than my bed."

I started to panic.

I stretched my arms and they hit the roof almost instantly. I tried to feel if there was a wall beside me too and found a wall almost at once. I tried to lift the "roof", now sure I was in some kind of box. It was too heavy. Frantically I tried to move around and instantly felt a sheering pain through my body. I was sure I had several bruises and wounds everywhere, and they felt really serious. Where had I gotten those from?

 When I tried to move again, I heard noises. Someone was sobbing loudly and there were voices. "Help!! HELP!!!!"

I rushed upwards, hit my head, and got unconscious.

It had been some time before I woke up again, I could tell. There were no voices anymore.

I started punching and kicking in the center of the "roof", and in the end, I broke through. Earth came in through the hole, and I realized that crazy enough, I was buried underground in some kind of coffin. I held my breath and began trying to get out. It worked.

But I didn't have time to celebrate. I had to continue upwards. Slowly, slowly I was moving through the earth, but at least I was moving." I'm glad I'm good at holding my breath." I thought.

Finally, I reached the surface and took a deep breath. It was great to finally have some fresh air.

It was early in the morning. The sun shone lazily down on the ivy green grass, and I heard cars in the distance.

I managed to stand up (Even though my legs hurt like HELL) and look around. I was in a graveyard.

Wait a minute. I was buried underground in something like a coffin, I heard someone crying earlier and I'm in a FREAKIN' GRAVEYARD.

AM I DEAD?

No. I'm not. I'm not dead. IM NOT DEAD!!!

If I was dead, my legs wouldn't hurt so much (Not that I would know).

If I was dead I would have a grave with my name on it, wouldn't I?

I looked around once more and to my horror discovered that there WAS a tombstone with my name on it. It read:

Robin Claybrook

21/10 2010

Rest in Peace

"IT DOESN'T PROVE ANYTHING!" my brain said in a panic. I began running, towards anything, anything at all, not knowing what-

Suddenly I fell to the ground. I had run into somebody.

"Sorry..." He said. He seemed down, like his whole family died in a car accident or something.

He looked up. I recognized him! My cousin, Leo!

"B-b-ut-but you-yo-your'e supp-posed to b-be dead! He managed to stutter, and all I got to say was "What?" before he fainted.

I searched his pockets, found his cell phone and quickly dialed 911. It was one of those old-fashioned phones with keys under the screen. Soon enough I made it through and heard a voice say "Nine one one, what is your emergency?".

"Yes, hi. My name is Robin Claybrook, I am twenty-four years old and I am at the..." 

I looked around, hoping to find signs of where I actually was. 

Then I saw a sign over the entrance to the church and immediately knew where I was.

"The Sunflower Cemetery. I am at the Sunflower Cemetery, and my emergency is that my cousin has fainted, I think it was because of shock."

"Hold the line. We are on our way."

*********************************************************

When we arrived at the hospital, a nurse asked me where I had got my bruises from. She only walked away because I pretended to be deaf. I sat on a plastic chair in the waiting room for about half an hour before a doctor came to me to tell me how Leo was doing.

"As you said when you talked to us on the phone, he fainted of shock. Do you have any idea what might have triggered it?" 

"No."

"Are you sure? Was he still unconscious when you found him, or did it happen while you were there?"

"He was unconscious when I got there."

"I see." the doctor said, with a look that said quite clearly that he didn't believe me. He showed me to Leo's room, and left us alone. Leo woke up, and started to panic again.

 "Bu-bu-bu-bu-but-" Leo started, but I quickly interrupted him.

"Why was I in a coffin, buried in a graveyard at the Sunflower Cemetery, with a tombstone with my name on it?" I asked. I had waited to ask this question since I got out of the grave. Leo opened his mouth and quickly closed it. I saw that he was talking to himself, probably so that he would act a little more calmly. He opened his mouth again, and finally managed to say something.

"How can you be alive? You died in a car crash! How can you have survived? I WAS AT YOUR FUNERAL!!!"

He looked as though he might go mad.

I thought for a long time before I spoke to him again, trying to this time, not make him faint.

"So that's where I've gotten these bruises from," I said simply. He freaked out.

"Are you a GHOST?!? How the HELL are you alive!?! " he shouted. I was so surprised by the sudden outburst that I almost fell over.

I could actually prove very easily that I was not a ghost.

 "I'm not a ghost. I can actually prove it." I told Leo. Leo looked very nervous when I said this. 

"Well, first of all, my hand did not go through the keys on your phone when I called 911, secondly, I cannot fly, although that would have been very cool, third, My legs hurt a lot, as the car crash explains very well and, fourthly, if you don't believe me, you can touch my hand if you want."

 He looked as though he was about to explode.

He must have not believed me, because a second later, he slowly, slowly reached his hand out to mine and tried to touch it. He did.

He jolted back as quick as lightning in his bed, a terrified look on his face.

"Is the rest of the family at home?" I asked. He nodded slowly as to not make me mad or I would unleash my ghostly power, or something.

"Good. I'll come back later." I said, and walked out of the room.

I got out of the hospital and onto the sidewalk. The street was deserted, but there were many cars rushing forward to reach their destination. It must be Sunday, I thought, as I saw some leaves dance on the ground, taken by the wind.

The street was now totally empty, and I walked straight out on the road. 

"What was I going to say to my parents?" Was the last thing I thought before a car hit me right in the side, and I was dead.


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44 Reviews


Points: 97
Reviews: 44

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Tue Jan 15, 2019 10:37 pm
mavisknightley wrote a review...



Hello Fantascifi66,

Mav here to review, per your request! What an ending! I love the irony! I thought your use of imagery and comparisons was fantastic, too. :)


My thoughts are indicated by *****.

__________________________________________________

I woke up in the dark. My clothes felt odd on my skin. I must have been really tired yesterday, not taking off my clothes. A weird smell was in the air. There was no light coming from my window, so I tried to reach for my phone in my pocket, but it wasn't there. In fact, I didn't have any pockets, because I had my formal clothes on.

*****I like your opening line; caught my attention! I might reword "I must have been really tired yesterday, not taking off my clothes." to "...since I didn't take them off." or something of that nature.

Why did I have my formal clothes on? Was I even in my room? Everything feelt different. I am in my bed. Right?"

*****"Feelt" mispelled.

"No, I'm not. This mattress is softer than my bed."

I started to panic.

I stretched my arms and they hit the roof almost instantly. I tried to feel if there was a wall beside me too and found a wall almost at once. I tried to lift the "roof", now sure I was in some kind of box. It was too heavy. Frantically I tried to move around and instantly felt a sheering pain through my body. I was sure I had several bruises and wounds everywhere, and they felt really serious. Where had I gotten those from?

*****I like your imagery!

When I tried to move again, I heard noises. Someone was sobbing loudly and there were voices. "Help!! HELP!!!!"

*****It is unclear if the speaker is yelling for help... or if it is someone else? Maybe the person sobbing?

I rushed upwards, hit my head, and got unconscious.

It had been some time before I woke up again, I could tell. There were no voices anymore.

I started punching and kicking in the center of the "roof", and in the end, I broke through. Earth came in through the hole, and I realized that crazy enough, I was buried underground in some kind of coffin. I held my breath and began trying to get out. It worked.

But I didn't have time to celebrate. I had to continue upwards. Slowly, slowly I was moving through the earth, but at least I was moving." I'm glad I'm good at holding my breath." I thought.

Finally, I reached the surface and took a deep breath. It was great to finally have some fresh air.

It was early in the morning. The sun shone lazily down on the ivy green grass, and I heard cars in the distance.

*****Nice descriptions here. :)

I managed to stand up (Even though my legs hurt like HELL) and look around. I was in a graveyard.

Wait a minute. I was buried underground in something like a coffin, I heard someone crying earlier and I'm in a FREAKIN' GRAVEYARD.

AM I DEAD?

No. I'm not. I'm not dead. IM NOT DEAD!!!

If I was dead, my legs wouldn't hurt so much (Not that I would know).

If I was dead I would have a grave with my name on it, wouldn't I?

I looked around once more and to my horror discovered that there WAS a tombstone with my name on it. It read:

Robin Claybrook

21/10 2010

Rest in Peace

"IT DOESN'T PROVE ANYTHING!" my brain said in a panic. I began running, towards anything, anything at all, not knowing what-

Suddenly I fell to the ground. I had run into somebody.

"Sorry..." He said. He seemed down, like his whole family died in a car accident or something.

He looked up. I recognized him! My cousin, Leo!

"B-b-ut-but you-yo-your'e supp-posed to b-be dead! He managed to stutter, and all I got to say was "What?" before he fainted.

I searched his pockets, found his cell phone and quickly dialed 911. It was one of those old-fashioned phones with keys under the screen. Soon enough I made it through and heard a voice say "Nine one one, what is your emergency?".

*****I'm not sure what kind of phone this is. It has keys under the screen? Like a flip phone?

"Yes, hi. My name is Robin Claybrook, I am twenty-four years old and I am at the..."

I looked around, hoping to find signs of where I actually was.

Then I saw a sign over the entrance to the church and immediately knew where I was.

"The Sunflower Cemetery. I am at the Sunflower Cemetery, and my emergency is that my cousin has fainted, I think it was because of shock."

"Hold the line. We are on our way."

*********************************************************

When we arrived at the hospital, a nurse asked me where I had got my bruises from. She only walked away because I pretended to be deaf. I sat on a plastic chair in the waiting room for about half an hour before a doctor came to me to tell me how Leo was doing.

*****Why did she pretend to be deaf? Can you elaborate on that?

"As you said when you talked to us on the phone, he fainted of shock. Do you have any idea what might have triggered it?"

"No."

"Are you sure? Was he still unconscious when you found him, or did it happen while you were there?"

"He was unconscious when I got there."

"I see." the doctor said, with a look that said quite clearly that he didn't believe me. He showed me to Leo's room, and left us alone. Leo woke up, and started to panic again.

"Bu-bu-bu-bu-but-" Leo started, but I quickly interrupted him.

"Why was I in a coffin, buried in a graveyard at the Sunflower Cemetery, with a tombstone with my name on it?" I asked. I had waited to ask this question since I got out of the grave. Leo opened his mouth and quickly closed it. I saw that he was talking to himself, probably so that he would act a little more calmly. He opened his mouth again, and finally managed to say something.

"How can you be alive? You died in a car crash! How can you have survived? I WAS AT YOUR FUNERAL!!!"

He looked as though he might go mad.

I thought for a long time before I spoke to him again, trying to this time, not make him faint.

"So that's where I've gotten these bruises from," I said simply. He freaked out.

"Are you a GHOST?!? How the HELL are you alive!?! " he shouted. I was so surprised by the sudden outburst that I almost fell over.

I could actually prove very easily that I was not a ghost.

"I'm not a ghost. I can actually prove it." I told Leo. Leo looked very nervous when I said this.

"Well, first of all, my hand did not go through the keys on your phone when I called 911, secondly, I cannot fly, although that would have been very cool, third, My legs hurt a lot, as the car crash explains very well and, fourthly, if you don't believe me, you can touch my hand if you want."

He looked as though he was about to explode.

He must have not believed me, because a second later, he slowly, slowly reached his hand out to mine and tried to touch it. He did.

He jolted back as quick as lightning in his bed, a terrified look on his face.

*****Nice synonym!

"Is the rest of the family at home?" I asked. He nodded slowly as to not make me mad or I would unleash my ghostly power, or something.

"Good. I'll come back later." I said, and walked out of the room.

I got out of the hospital and onto the sidewalk. The street was deserted, but there were many cars rushing forward to reach their destination. It must be Sunday, I thought, as I saw some leaves dance on the ground, taken by the wind.

The street was now totally empty, and I walked straight out on the road.

"What was I going to say to my parents?" Was the last thing I thought before a car hit me right in the side, and I was dead.

_____________________________________________________

Overall, I thought this was great work!

Hope this helps. If you have any questions, drop me a PM....

Write On,
mav



Mavis Knightley
http://www.mavisknightley.com




Fantascifi66 says...


Thank you so much for the review! Yeah it was a flip phone, I just couldn't find the right word for it.



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Points: 483
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Sun Oct 28, 2018 11:32 am
AdorableAngel wrote a review...



This was really good. I like the connection you had through out the story. You also had a clever ending and did a good job describing the setting. Overall, it was really good, you did a good job conveying the emotions. I liked it a lot.
However, I felt as though it was too short. You can add more details, so readers can have better understanding.
But I really liked it.

Zaimat




Fantascifi66 says...


Thanks for reviewing! I actually looked over it two times and only saw, like, three places I could put in more details. Will try to make it more detailed!



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Sat Oct 27, 2018 4:38 pm
jster02 wrote a review...



Wow, I really like'd this! You did a great job at making me wonder why the protagonist was dead. And that ending was pretty clever, if a little morbid. (There's nothing wrong with that of course). It would've been nice to know a few more details though, like how he came back from the dead. (Was he just unconscious the whole time? If so, why did nobody feel his pulse and rush him to the hospital?).

Some other things:
There were some parts that felt a bit choppy, especially towards the beginning. For example, your first three sentences read,
"I woke up in the dark. I felt my clothes on my skin. I must have been really tired yesterday, not taking off my clothes."
Using "I" at the beginning of three sentences in a row feels a bit repetitive. To fix this, you could change the second sentence to something like, "Strangely enough, I was still in my clothes."

Also, I'm pretty sure "faked to be Deaf" should be "pretended to be deaf." (And, wouldn't they know he was lying if he'd managed to talk on the phone with them)?

I also noticed you said "Are the rest of the family at home?" "Are" should be "Is."

That's all the things I can remember, though I would advise you to read it over and change anything that feels too repetitive. Aside from all that, it's a really great story. I love the premise of essentially waking from the dead and watching everyones reactions. Can't wait to see what else you come up with.

-Jster




Fantascifi66 says...


Thanks for reviewing! Your comment was very helpful!



Fantascifi66 says...


There, changed it!



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Fri Oct 26, 2018 9:57 am
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WriterSister33 wrote a review...



Wow! What a great story!!

I really Linked the part that he was buried undergrown, and the fact that people toughed that he was dead!
It came to me as a little shock that he was so old... I think you should have written a little more details, when he came out of the coffin. What did it look like around him? Was it dark? Was it Moss around his grave? Did it say when he died on the gravestone? (Not sure if I have written anything right doug:))

There was one thing I didn’t understand, and that was the end. Did he die just then, or was it a flashback, or was it like he experienced it all again?

I hope you are going to write more of the story, because it was very exiting and there was very much going on.

I hope this review helped you.

(Have you readed the newest message I have sent you? And have you readed A young spy and a young cop yet?)

Your friend
WriterSis.




Fantascifi66 says...


Thanks for reviewing! I'll write more details, just as you said, and I won't be answering the questions about his death because that's what I intended :)Btw you can get Grammarly (its free) if you're not sure you have written correctly!





So you are not going to say What happned last?





How do I send pictures? (If it is posible)



Fantascifi66 says...


What do you mean? Can't you just send me a message on my phone?



Fantascifi66 says...


And to answer your question, no. I want you to come up with a theory! :)





But CAN you send a pictur on YWS?



Fantascifi66 says...


Yes. You just have to post a link to the picture.




You cannot understand and disagree.
— P. D. Ouspensky