Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Fantasy

E - Everyone

The Fighter and the Dragon

by Fantascifi66


Hopelessly she fought against the egg monster. It was no use. She had nothing that could stand against the eggshell. She tried one spell after another, but none of them helped. The monster threw hit after hit at her, and the only thing she could do was dodge them. She had wounds and bruises everywhere from all the battles she had fought, but they had always healed up immediately. These wounds didn`t.

Then she remembered her failsafe exit: her Flower crown. She took it off and threw it on the monster. It vanished, forever gone. She sighed with relief, closing her eyes and just feeling the power of the Earth. She was happy, but she also had a sting of sadness inside of her. She felt like someone had ripped off half of her. But she was happy. Oh, so happy, as she saw that were the egg used to be there was a little baby dragon. She picked it up and said hello, and got a croaky screech back in return. She laughed at the dragons cuteness.

Then she heard birds flying closer and closer to her. Turning around, she saw that the birds were carrying her flower crown. She reached out to the birds and took her flower crown. Puttingk it on her head and instantly felt whole again. "Do you want to come with me on my journey?" she asked the dragon. The dragon responded with a happy croak, and off they walked together. Instantly she felt that something was wrong. She stopped and looked down at the Earth. "Yup, something is definitely wrong." she thought.

And that's when she heard it.

It shook in the ground right under her, as she heard someone walk behind her with heavy steps. She did not dare to look; she just ran. Ran and ran and ran, till she could not hear the rumbling any more. She stopped and turned around.

 Nothing. 

She turned and began walking home. it was dark: she could not see where she was going anymore, only dark trees that looked exactly the same. The moon was the only light she could see. But the moon didn`t help her, it just made everything scarier. If only she could find a torch. 

Then she remembered her little dragon, who was currently sitting at her shoulder. She found a stick and held it in front of the dragon.

 "Can you please light up this stick so I can see?" she asked the dragon, and to her surprise, the dragon said "Sure thing Princess!" and lit up the stick. She was shocked.

 "What is it? Is another monster nearby? Do you need me to fight?" The dragon said, looking around excitedly.

 "You...You can...talk?" she stuttered.

 "Yes." answered the dragon simply "I can talk".

She was so busy running, that she hadn`t even considered the possibility that the dragon could talk.

" Then what`s your name?" she asked. The dragon smiled happily and said " I don't know" like it was the best thing in the world."But you can name me if you want" the dragon said, as she realized that it was too dark to continue. She thought about it for a long time before she answered.

" Yeah, I suppose I could." she said. 

She started packing out all the things she had in her magical backpack for just this reason, and laid it on the ground. The dragon hopped into her sleeping bag and rested it`s head on her pillow. She did the same, and there they were, looking up at the stars and moon, that had just come out from a cloud. She relaxed. " I`ll think about it for tomorrow." she said, and instantly fell asleep.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
13 Reviews


Points: 134
Reviews: 13

Donate
Sat Nov 17, 2018 6:30 am
Nenchjre wrote a review...



I noticed that you're fairly young. It's good to start off writing at a young age when there are more opportunities. So good job. Okay now onto my review.

I noticed that you kept repeating the subject "her" a lot. It was a bit repetitive. You can always just infer that the subject is just the protagonist, or you could utilize the perspective of the characters or beings "she" is interacting with. One issue a lot of fantasy writers face is world building. If you don't add enough detail it can create a dry and incomplete story, but since this is the first chapter I wouldn't worry so much.

You add a kind of childlike flare to your story. It gives off the feeling of warmth, it's like a Harry Potteresque kind of feeling.

Well, that's all I have to say. Good luck!




Fantascifi66 says...


Thank you SO MUCH for reviewing! I just didn't want to name her in the first chapter, but, as you maybe has noticed, I released the second chapter yesterday!( In my timeline) Again, thank you!



User avatar
20 Reviews


Points: 305
Reviews: 20

Donate
Tue Oct 16, 2018 2:17 am
thedevinhiggins wrote a review...



Hello!

First of all, I can only imagine how hard it is to write a story in a different language, but you nailed it! I could perfectly imagine what was happening! Wonderful job!


I also love how you started right off with conflict. It drove the story by providing immediate action while also giving a proper amount of exposition. I love the emotional nod created by when the main character looses her flower crown and how she felt incomplete without it.

However, there are a couple things I would like to mention that could improve your story.

(1) It shook in the ground right under her, as she heard someone walk behind her with heavy steps. She did not dare to look; she just ran. Ran and ran and ran, till she could not hear the rumbling any more. She stopped, and turned around. [] Nothing. [] she turned , and began walking home. it was dark: she could not see where she was going anymore, only dark trees that looked exactly the same. The moon was the only light she could see. But the moon didn`t help her, it just made everything scarier. If only she could find a torch. [] Then she remembered her little dragon, who was currently sitting at her shoulder. She found a stick, and put it in front of the dragon. [] "can you please light up this stick so i can see?" she asked the dragon, and to her surprise, the dragon said "Sure thing Princess!" and lit up the stick. She was shocked. [] "What is it? Is another monster nearby? Do you need me to fight?" The dragon said, looking around excitedly. [] "Y-y-you can tal-lk?" she stuttered. [] "Yes." answered the dragon simply "I can talk". [] She was so busy running, that she hadn`t even considered the possibility that the dragon could talk. [] "Then what`s your name?" she asked. [] The dragon smiled happily and said " I dont know" like it was the best thing in the world."But you can name me if you want" the dragon said, as she realized that it was too dark to continue. She thought about it for a long time before she answered. [] "Yeah, i suppose i could." she said. [] She started packing out all the things she had in her magical backpack for just this reason, and laid it on the ground. The dragon hopped into her sleeping bag and rested it`s head on her pillow. She did the same, and there they were, looking up at the stars and moon, that had just com out from a cloud. She relaxed. [] "I`ll think about it for tomorrow" she said, and instantly fell asleep.

This is a BIG block of text, with quite a bit of dialogue. What you should do is break the paragraph every time someone new starts talking, when the setting changes, or when the situation changes. Something I've learned is to change paragraphs "every time the camera moves", if you know what I mean ;)

I've added these brackets [] to indicate every time you should break the paragraph.

There's also some other grammar-type things in that paragraph you should look at as well. For example, the sentence "Y-y-you can tal-lk?" sounds really choppy and forced. What you could do is do something like, "You...you can...you can talk?" Just a suggestion.

Anyway, I love this story! If you're making another part, I would love to read it!

Overall, this is a dynamic story, with a lot of action and beautiful imagery. Sorry I was a little nitpicky with grammar; I understand this is not your first language.

Anyway, keep writing, please!




Fantascifi66 says...


Thanks for Reviewing! Will definitely change that!



User avatar
58 Reviews


Points: 36
Reviews: 58

Donate
Fri Oct 05, 2018 2:32 am
SofieR wrote a review...



Wow, I am really impressed. It's once thing to write. It's a whole other thing to write in a foreign language. That takes patience and discipline that I can't imagine.
For the most part, I could hardly tell there was a language barrier. There were a few misspellings here and there, for example;

"But you can name me if you want" the dragon said, as she realaised that it was too dark to continue."

"realaised" should actually be "realized" in this sentence. And also;

""Yupp, something is definently wrong." she thought."

In this sentence, "definently" should be "definitely".

There are also a few other punctuation errors, but if you paste this into "Microsoft Word" it'll catch most of those mistakes. Overall, good job on this! Keep on writing and practicing!

- Sofie




Fantascifi66 says...


Thank you! I will change that!



User avatar
562 Reviews


Points: 14535
Reviews: 562

Donate
Wed Oct 03, 2018 12:00 pm
View Likes
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hi Shikora here with a review like you asked. :D

What I like

When I saw the name to your story for the first time it just drew me in. One of the tricks to a good story is to give it a good name and you have done just that. I also like they way you started this chapter. The way you just jumped right into the action was just great. I couldn't take my eyes off of the words.

The plot

So I can see that you have got the plot moving already in this chapter, Now that may be good but you don't want to move to fast, other wise the story will feel rushed. But what you have here is really good. I would like to no more about this man Flow was fighting he sounds very interesting from what I found out in the story.

The characters

So I only got to read a little bit about the character in this story but I can tell that Flow is a fighter and she wont give up. No that came cross to me because of the way you descried her running away and fighting this strange man. So I look forward to the next chapter. What I would say though is that I would like to go into Flow's thoughts. It would give me the reader a better idea on how she is feeling. But Over all it's really good.

The setting

Now what you have here is really good but you could do a bit more. I'm sorry if I sound picky, but I want to help you as much as I can. Now this is a tip i say to myself when I write and it helps. Sound, smell sight and feel. If you remember these things and add them into your story it will be a lot better than it was before.

Mistakes

There isn't many mistakes in this chapter. Well to tell you the truth you only have one thing that you keep doing a few times in this chapter. I'll show you a few of them.

She had nothing that could stand against the egg Shell.

Shell doesn't need a capitol letter.


The monster threw hit after hit at her, an the only thing she could do was Dodge them.

Here you have done the same thing as before. Dodge doesn't need a capitol letter.

For this mistake you just need to read through the chapter and you will so that you are making this mistake a few times. Don't worry this happens to everyone. Unless there is a reason they have a capitol letter then I'm sorry.

"sure thing princess flow"

Now sure needs capitol letter, and sin't flow a name so souldn't it have a capitol letter as well?

So there were only a few mistakes like that in this chapter so don't worry. I really enjoyed reading this wonderful peace of work, and I look forward to the next chapter. I hope everything I said help is some way. If you have any questions just ask and I will do what I can to help. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.


Your friend
Shikora.




Fantascifi66 says...


Thank you! The thing about the capitol letters is because i have edited stuff out and forgot to change it. I actually noticed some spelling mistakes in the story, so i will edit that out later. I will work more with detail, and sound, smell and feel will probably help my stories much more.


Thanks for your review!





Your welcome! I really enjoyed reading it, and I hope you will tag me when you post the next chapter!

By the way I see you like dragons.




Too often we crave the extraordinary in life, without even learning how to cherish the ordinary first. Friend, I promise you this: if you can learn to take joy in the simple mundane things in life, the extraordinary will take care of itself, it'll be on its way, hurrying towards you. But if you skip the first part, it'll ever evade you.
— Arcticus