It was dark around her. Very dark. She felt cold, like someone had sucked all the warm air out of the room. Suddenly, a spotlight lit, and she was looking right at the dragon.
A dark, thundering voice started talking.
"Why are you here? Do you not see you are better off without that silly girl?"
It seemed that it was talking to the dragon, and didn't even notice that she was there.
"Because I like her! She is my friend!" The dragon screamed, looking at two huge yellow eyes, who stared angrily at the dragon.
"LOOK AT ME!!! Does it look like I can continue ruling over the kingdom?"
"Umm... yes?"
"YOU LITTLE BRAT! YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN BORN!!! NOW DO AS I SAY!"
"NO!"
The voice faltered a little bit and sounded calm, but at the same time, scarier than ever.
"Then I have no use for you."
The yellow eyes began to close in on the dragon. The dragon backed away as fast as it could but did not dare to look anywhere other than the two eyes.
"PHEE!!!!" She screamed on impulse, watching as a giant shadow blocked the view of the dragon.
And everything went black again.
************
She woke up, her heart racing, pounding in her chest like a rocket. She sat up abruptly, waking the dragon up and almost making it fall out of the bright yellow sleeping bag.
"What is it?!?!"
"Sorry!!! Are you okay?"
"Yes, I'm a-okay, but what about you? You look like someone died, then came back as a ghost in a hula skirt!"
"I'm fine I just..."
She paused for a moment looking at the forest around her, unsure of what to say.
"I just had a bad dream. That's all."
"What was it about?"
"Well... I don't think I want to talk about it Phee."
The dragon looked at her, stars shining like little fireflies in its eyes. The dragon jumped off the ground, smiling like it had just won a million dollars.
"Phee? THAT'S PERFECT!"
Phee started singing a tune she realized was really similar to the Big Citys national hymn, and danced a kind of Jamaican dance.
"MY NAME IS PHEE!!!!!" Phee ran around screaming this over and over again.
"Calm down Phee! We need to get going."
"Okay, okay. YAY!!!!!!" Phee began to rise into the air, but fell right down again because its wings were too small, and hit the ground.
"PHEE!! Are you alright? Did you hurt yourself?"
"Nope! I'm fine! Let's gooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!"
Phee began running, but suddenly, the dragon stopped and turned around.
"What should I call you by the way?"
"Well... You can call me... Flow. You can call me Flow."
"Okay then! Let's go, magical Flow!" Phee said, and began skipping towards an unknown destination which the dragon believed was where they were going.
"It's the opposite way you know!"
Phee turned right around
"I knew that! I was just enjoying the nature... over there"
"Yeah right."
But deep in her heart, she was still thinking about the dream.
Who had that dark voice?
Why did it yell at Phee?
One thing was certain:
She was going to find out very soon.
***************
*Note* I may change the name of the dragon later
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,003 Literary Works • 672,791 Reviews
Sorry that this took so long. I've been extremely busy. If I sound harsh at all during this, I'm sorry I can come off that way, but it's not my intention.
"Suddenly, a spotlight lit, and she was looking right at the dragon."
She doesn't know who this dragon is, and more importantly, so doesn't the reader. So use "a" instead of "the." Also, we have absolutely no idea what this dragon looks like. When writing it's good to leave some aspects to the imagination, but not too much. At least give what color the dragon is, how big it is, what species (If there is one.) Maybe give how the scale shine against the bright light of the spotlight? Something like that.
"A dark, thundering voice started talking.
"Why are you here? Do you not see you are better off without that silly girl?""
Try taking this into one paragraph, and also establish that is not the dragon talking. My first initial approach is that this is the dragon speaking, and it can make the reader confused.
""LOOK AT ME!!! Does it look like I can continue ruling over the kingdom?"
"Umm... yes?"
"YOU LITTLE BRAT! YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN BORN!!! NOW DO AS I SAY!"
"NO!""
Make sure you establish who is speaking where. You should never go more than two without reassuring the reader who is speaking. Same goes for the rest of the story.
"She woke up, her heart racing, pounding in her chest like a rocket. She sat up abruptly, waking the dragon up and almost making it fall out of the bright yellow sleeping bag."
How big is the dragon now? It's a little bit confusing.
"She paused for a moment looking at the forest around her, unsure of what to say.
"I just had a bad dream. That's all."
This would be better in the same paragraph. The same goes for the rest of the story. When you say that someone is speaking put it into the same paragraph as the speech.
Also, why didn't the dragon know the girl's name?
Well, that's it. Thanks for requesting a review!
Hi! Thank you for reviewing!
First, there really is just one dragon in the story, and we don't really know it's name. We don't know the girl's name too, before I give both of them a name. And by the way, I did not take this review harshly
Second, I have actually got complaints from my friends after reading the story that I need to say who is speaking. So don't worry about that. You're literally the only one who has come with a way to fix it that I actually want to use. Thirdly, the dragon is quite small. I mean, if it wasn't, it wouldn't have fit into the sleeping bag with Flow. Again, thank you so much!!! I LOVE getting reviews, because then I have something to make better, and after that, I often feel pretty good about myself because I got it done! So thank you!
Hi! Thank you for reviewing!
First, there really is just one dragon in the story, and we don't really know it's name. We don't know the girl's name too, before I give both of them a name. And by the way, I did not take this review harshly
Second, I have actually got complaints from my friends after reading the story that I need to say who is speaking. So don't worry about that. You're literally the only one who has come with a way to fix it that I actually want to use. Thirdly, the dragon is quite small. I mean, if it wasn't, it wouldn't have fit into the sleeping bag with Flow. Again, thank you so much!!! I LOVE getting reviews, because then I have something to make better, and after that, I often feel pretty good about myself because I got it done! So thank you!
Hi! Thank you for reviewing!
First, there really is just one dragon in the story, and we don't really know it's name. We don't know the girl's name too, before I give both of them a name. And by the way, I did not take this review harshly
Second, I have actually got complaints from my friends after reading the story that I need to say who is speaking. So don't worry about that. You're literally the only one who has come with a way to fix it that I actually want to use. Thirdly, the dragon is quite small. I mean, if it wasn't, it wouldn't have fit into the sleeping bag with Flow. Again, thank you so much!!! I LOVE getting reviews, because then I have something to make better, and after that, I often feel pretty good about myself because I got it done! So thank you!
Hi! Thank you for reviewing!
First, there really is just one dragon in the story, and we don't really know it's name. We don't know the girl's name too, before I give both of them a name. And by the way, I did not take this review harshly
Second, I have actually got complaints from my friends after reading the story that I need to say who is speaking. So don't worry about that. You're literally the only one who has come with a way to fix it that I actually want to use. Thirdly, the dragon is quite small. I mean, if it wasn't, it wouldn't have fit into the sleeping bag with Flow. Again, thank you so much!!! I LOVE getting reviews, because then I have something to make better, and after that, I often feel pretty good about myself because I got it done! So thank you!
No problem! Thanks for clearing things up for me!
Hi there, here since I had a request on my WRFF to review this piece.
Fair warning; I don't review very much prose, so this might be interesting!
I found the dialogue a bit difficult to follow because you don't put dialogue tags (ie. He says/she says or "the dark angry voice said" etc). Without the dialogue tags it's just really difficult to follow who is saying what.
I think you do a good way of establishing drama right away with the fight between the dragon and the other voice - I would have liked if you had described a bit more who the other person was to give a bit more context to that discussion though - even just what they look like would have been good, because as it's written I don't know if they're also a dragon, or just a random human even.
In this sentence: "She sat up abruptly, waking the dragon up and almost making it fall out of the bright yellow sleeping bag." --> I was confused, because this means that the dragon is small enough to fit in a sleeping bag?? That seemed sort of odd!
In general, you use a lot of unnecessary punctuation marks. Like here:
""What is it?!?!"
"Sorry!!!"
I'd suggest just eliminating all the extra punctuation marks and "all-caps" sentences, and instead use italics when you want to indicate emphasis, or just let the words speak for themselves. Because the extra punctuation looses it's effect when done so often, and also ends up looking a bit sloppy/un-editted on the page.
I think the chapter could also use a bit more internal insight. The reader gets to know a lot about what's happening around the narrator, but not a lot of their internal thought-process. Like, why don't they want to share the bad dream they had? That would be an interesting detail to know! It seems like they have a complicated relationship with the dragon, and it'd be interesting to see how you develop it going forward.
Good luck in your continued writing!
~alliyah
Thank you for reviewing! I will edit my story and change some things.
You're welcome!
Hi there!!
I. Love. This! I can't wait for more!
I would add a little more description. What did she see when she woke up? What was the campsite like? How did she feel when she woke up? Was her heart pounding? Was she shaking? Things like that can help a lot when writing a story. One other thing I noticed is the word "witch." Now, this is going to get confusing, but I will do my best to make it understandable.
For your situation, you want to spell it like this: "which."
The way you spelled it refers to a person who is a witch. They are pronounced the same, but mean different things and are used differently.
I hope this helped!
Your friend.
Thank you for reviewing Spy!!!! I'll add more details!
This Is a good story!!
I am looking forward to read more of the story!
You might wanna write who is talking when, when it is the conversation beetween Phee and the thing with yellow eyes.
It is a little hard to know who says what.
I hope it’s not long before you publish your next chapterXD.
Good luck writing<3
Sis.
Thank you for reviewing! Love your stories! <3