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Multi Chapter 3 (not finished, but I need advice on how to continue)

by Fantascifi66

As he ran out of the building, he did not think of anything else but how he could get home. He ended up taking a cab. "Where do you want to go?" The driver said, smiling. He was an unusually nice driver. "To the corner of 23rd and 6th Lark street. How much will that be?" He asked, sitting down into the black cab seats, which were, surprisingly, clean. The driver smiled a little more broadly, but not in a mean kind of way. He was being nice to this man because it seemed like he was in shock or something. "All in good time." He said. He then set off to this strange man's destination.

The five-minute long ride seemed to go by in an instant. Not that five-minute trips normally took very long, because they only took five minutes. But usually, his trip home was uninteresting and boring, and he would often have important things to think about, like work, and his family. But not this time.

The sun shone brightly in his eyes through the window, and the clouds passing by did not for one second give cover. The tall buildings all gleamed like glass crystals in the sunlight, and all the cars and people seemed like insignificant blobs. He must have lost his glasses when he ran out of the bank and didn't notice. Or maybe he did notice and just didn't remember. He had no clue whatsoever.

"We're here."

The car stopped, and he stepped out. "5 dollars please." The driver said. He somehow managed to find a five dollar bill in his wallet and gave it to the driver. "Thanks for the ride." He said and went into his apartment.

It wasn't an especially clean apartment, but it was good enough for his wife and kids, so it was good enough for him.

He ran up the stairs, which were cracking up by the lack of maintenance, and wasn't especially pretty. The walls' paint had faded a long time ago, but there was a certain charm to them. He arrived at the door, opened it, and prayed that his wife wasn't home. If she was, he'd have to be extremely careful. She loved mysteries, and he couldn't lie to her, so if she saw the envelope, he'd have to tell her what had happened. And he couldn't leave out bits of it, because she would know. She would definently know.

He opened the door.

The usual morning mess greeted him. He sighed. His wife wasn't home. Hurrying over to his son's room, his thoughts were going crazy. The reason he was heading for his son's bedroom, was because he was actually good at cleaning, and was a 14-year-old, and doesn't want people in there, so his wife didn't come in often. He sat down on the neat bed, and opened the file.

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268 Reviews

Points: 21987
Reviews: 268

Thu May 09, 2019 11:15 am
Dossereana wrote a review...

Hi @Fantascifi66 I am here to do a review on your work here. So lets get strait into it shell we.

What lines are really nice

Hurrying over to his son's room, his thoughts were going crazy.
So this was a great line because I think this is true, your thoughts do seem to go crazy a lot.

What could do with work
As he ran out of the building, he did not think of anything else but how he could get home.

So I do feel like this line was really good, but it just did not seem like it was in the right place, I feel like it is not the best place to start the chapter of, also to mention I really do think that @Toboldlygo said the right things in there review and I really think that you should keep that all in mind as well, because I feel like your description needs a lot of work,

your mane things that your need in story's and even sometimes poems

Description, You need to work on that.

touch, You need to work on that.

Smell, You need to work on that.

So that is all that I can say about this. If I was being to harsh or mean or anything not nice then I really say sorry so pleas forgive me I really don't mean to be horrid.

@EagleFly Out To Seek And Kill

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155 Reviews

Points: 11208
Reviews: 155

Mon Apr 29, 2019 9:43 pm
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Toboldlygo wrote a review...

Hey there! Toboldlygo go here, both for a review and to give some advice (since you asked).

First of all, I do like this piece. You have a good start to it. The concept of a guy running a simple errand, requesting a bank loan, and then falling into something bigger has been done before but can always be turned into something new.

What I am going to say is that so far, your character is lacking depth. There are so many unanswered questions, and by the end of the first chapter, and definitely by the end of chapter 2, and absolutely by chapter 3, I should know these answers. Very simple to start, but what does he look like? What is his wife's name? His kids' names? What is his job? What is the dream he is risking? What does Layla look like? What did the statues make him realize? These questions would add much more to your character and give the reader a greater attachment to him.

On to the suggestions. My advice is that you proceed to have him start puzzling out what's already happened. Go on about the statues. What did they make him realize? What's in the briefcase? What's the mission? How is he going to explain everything to his family?

I think, as a reader, what I would want to see in this story is some character development and building off of what you have already established but not really explained.

Hope this helps! Feel free to reply or pm me if you have any questions or want to talk more!


If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.
— Oscar Wilde