Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
They went into a big room, with long red carpets on the floor, nearly covering the boring floor of a normal bank. There were paintings, lamps, and plants everywhere, probably just put in random places. When they had come to the end of the room, there was another door was in front of them. This was a simple door, however, and not a big door such as the hidden one.
Layla opened it and stepped aside.
"Go."
I walked inside, and my heart skipped a beat.
Another woman was inside, sitting in a big leather chair, bigger than her desk even. She coughed loudly to get my attention.
"So," she said "you're the famous Mr. Muncor. I pictured you... Differently."
He stood there for a few seconds, a mildly surprised expression on his face.
"Is that good or bad?" He said, concentrating very hard not to break mid-sentence.
"That doesn't matter. You are here because you're the best of the best, even though we'd rather you were a woman."
"Why?"
It was her turn to look mildly surprised.
"Mr. Muncor," she chuckled a little "you must have heard of us."
When he stayed silent, she nodded and continued.
"Ok... We are the all-female spy society, Ondimark."
He stayed still silent, just looking at her.
Layla took a glass of water, which stood on a table nearby, and went back to her spot beside the door.
"Well? I thought that'd have a greater impact. But fair enough. Let me inform you of your mission.
"If you manage to do it well enough, you may be our first male employee."
Layla spits out her water onto the floor.
"Wait, WHAT?"
"Yes, Layla. You heard correctly."
"But that's not acceptable! Don't you remember? It's an ALL-FEMALE society!"
He stood there, really confused. How had he even ended up in this mess? It all started with the meeting with the bank manager about the loan. Everything depended on it, but of course, he'd just have to say something stupid. What was he going to say to his family? Or really, what was he supposed to do? He couldn't just run out of here, that's for sure.
"Well Layla, this is my decision. Mr. Muncor, it's time for your first mission. Everything should be in here. Keep it safe. Take it home, look over it thoroughly and meet up on time."
She gave him a brown file with the supposed case.
Help was the only thought going through his mind.
He took the file and walked out of the room with courage he didn't really have, determined to get to the exit.
"Umm... Mr. Muncor?"
What did I do?
He turned and saw Layla there, talking to him.
"Aren't you forgetting something?"
What could he possibly have forgotten? What?
"Here at Ondimark," the woman in the chair said,
"we treat each other with respect and have manners."
He knew what it was now. He'd forgotten.
"Thank you. Goodbye."
He turned and started walking. When it seemed he was out of sight, he ran. He ran as fast as he could. Only now did he think more of the statues.
Of course. How had he not seen this coming?
Crap.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey fantascifi66!
I read the first chapter of this novel, so I have a bit of a background. It seems like quite an interesting story. A man joining a women's spy team - and a clueless man, at that. The paragraph about the bank manager and the loan almost makes it sound as if this were all an accident. Which would be strange indeed.
Hope you're doing well.
I think your descriptions here could be neater. "boring" is a subjective word, so what makes this particular floor boring? And while I know a lot of banks have similar set-ups, I'd argue "normal" is a subjective word, as well. You do describe what makes it normal, but I'm confused by the "probably" that is tossed in there. Can the narrator not see well?
It's only on this sentence that you switched to first-person, instead of maintaining the third-person narrative you had for the remainder of the chapter.
I'm not sure how to feel about this paragraph. It's like you're showing his thoughts, but then you're not. It might read smoother if you make some of the questions more personal and treat them as if he's actually thinking them, like how did I even end up in this mess?
I really don't have a lot to critique because this chapter definitely helps to progress the plot and keep the story fascinating. I'm interested in what's going to happen next, and I certainly hope you keep writing.
Til next time
~rosette
The dialogue in the story was very good. I really like your characters too. They are very good and very thought out. In fact, if I had to pick who my favorite character was, it would be all of them.
What is my only feedback, maybe you should stop using shit too much, instead say crap. Maybe you should also rank this as 16+ because of some words.
Thank you for the review! I'm really glad you liked it! I did put a language mark on it, but if that wasn't enough of course I'll change it.