Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
He was going to the bank, his dream and nearly all his money in hand. He had put everything at stake for this: his job, house, money and even his family. Everyone was counting on him. He had to make it.
He walked inside the white building, pillars and old mailboxes stood outside the entrance, all getting rustier and rustier as time went by.
Inside was a guard, dressed in a blue shirt, black pants, shoes, tie and hat.
He approached the man who hastily took his feet off the desk and looked at him.
"What can I help you with?"
"Umm..." He had completely forgotten what he was supposed to say. So he said the first word that slipped into his mind:
"Applesauce."
The man looked stunned, but then suddenly leaned back a little and spoke again.
"So, you're one of them, huh? I wouldn't believe you were one if you hadn't said it."
The guard then pressed a button on his keyboard, and a big door he had not noticed until now opened.
He did not know what to say, or do for that matter, so he just walked through it without a word.
He then heard the door close behind him, and he knew:
there was no coming back.
He wasn't the brightest person in the world, but he was not the dumbest. As he continued walking, he started wondering what this place was. Statutes of women wearing long dresses with slits at the end and holding a gun, which was pointing at a man who was running away, hands over his head. If he had been smart, he would probably have wondered why they were holding a gun, or why they were pointing them at a man, but he did not.
Instead he wondered what he was going to do, since he was going to miss his appointment.
Then he heard a voice.
"Welcome, Mr. Muncor."
This was not his name. But he was bright enough to understand that he should not disagree. He looked up, and there stood a woman.
She had long brown hair, and she was wearing a gray, normal business outfit with black shoes and tie. She actually looked, smiling patiently, quite normal and boring, but he sensed she was not one of these things.
Because there was something about her, something that gave her away, but he couldn't put his finger on it.
"Hi." He said, his voice trembling a little.
"My name is Layla," She continued, and it seemed she did not care what he said, because she was the one in charge.
"And I am the leader of Ondimark."
"Ondimark?" He thought, confused, although he did not show it.
"Come." She said when no voice answered her, and began to walk without waiting for him.
He walked after her. "What have I gotten myself into now?"
He followed her, into another big door.
End of chapter
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138,016 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Hi! Here for a review as requested. Let's get right into it, shall we?
You had me wanting to know what happened next from the very beginning of the story. I believe you should continue it, or maybe, get to how the title connects with the story itself somehow. This world...Although we know so little, captivates me!
This is a bit cryptic to the reader. What does he have to make? We do know that he doesn't get done what he needs to, because he takes a wrong turn by saying 'applesauce'.
It's not too large of an issue, but the dialogue should go with a dialogue tag that indicates the strange man is speaking. This happens a few more times through the story, where paragraphs are made when there isn't a need to.
You also make lots of points saying the main character isn't dumb enough, yet bright enough. This repetition is to mean something in the future (please extend this piece!), but for now, we know that this is how he landed into a sticky situation.
Who is he? :O
This happens a bit when people are starting off describing characters. The amount of info shouldn't be excessive enough to be labeled an info dump, but give the reader what they want to know about the character. Her posture, her facial expressions, things that give away who she is to the reader.
Brilliant foreshadow! I'm curious to see how these two interact, and how Ondimark plays into all of this. Will they discover that the main character isn't meant to be here?
Overall, this is leading up to a very suspenseful point in the story. I've read some of your other works, and you write the genre pretty well. You might want to provide some more details about the setting that help establish a mood - Like perhaps, the lighting of the room. A lot more of what I have to say comes down to whether you continue the piece or not. Please give us details about the importance of these characters (eg. general info), or else we're just going to start mindlessly following along. You have a great structure, but now, give us the decoration.
That's all from me! Keep writing!
-Manilla out
(Feel free to disregard any comment you deem rude or unhelpful. That was not my intention.)
Thank you so much!!! I will continue it, (in fact, I'm working on it right now) and it's going to be quite long, and more details and some explanations. So look out for that one. Again, thank you!
Hey Fantascifi,
Shady here with a review for you this fine evening. I can't remember if I've reviewed for you in the past or not, but just in case, my style tends to be making comments as I read about anything that stands out to me (positive or negative!) and then giving a general summary of my thoughts at the end. Let's get started...
I like your opening. It's simple but has suspense and really sets up tension and mystery. We don't know what in the world is dream is or how it caused him to risk his family and everything else in his life, but it's interesting enough to pull me in. I want to know what he did and what's going to happen. I very, very rarely give compliments on opening lines -- it's one of the things I critique most heavily in reviews -- so great job there!
This is confusing to me. Had he mentioned an appointment before now??? I thought he was specifically coming to the bank for business? Why would he double-book himself with another appointment??
What does a normal business outfit look like? That can vary wildly depending on profession, age, and gender. Like, was she wearing a pant suit? Dress? Skirt and blouse? Slacks and a colorful top? Blacks and grays? There are so many ways to dress business formal and you should be more specific here.
Hmm, not sure I'm loving these questions. I mean these are questions that your reader should be asking by this point, for sure, but having them in the story itself does not lend confidence to me, as the reader, that you actually know where you're taking this story xD I mean I'm sure you do but it doesn't make for awesome prose.
~ ~ ~
Overall, I really liked this! It was super short but even in just a couple of paragraphs you did a really good job of setting up suspense and intrigue and carrying it throughout the story. Obviously there isn't a ton plot-wise to comment on yet, since you haven't given us much information beyond the fact that there is Risk and Confusion and otherwise I don't really know what's going on.
So, if you're writing more of this, you should definitely expand a bit and start explaining things soon so that the readers don't grow weary of being confused. But so far I think it's really good and that you have an excellent start to a story.
Keep writing!
~Shady
Hey, 1nspire here for a review!
I really loved the suspense that you created throughout the story. Oftentimes, the protagonist is one of the smartest characters, and seems to always know what's going on. I like that you broke away from that and made the narrator question himself. This keeps a reader on edge at all times.
I would love to know more about this character and how he came to this situation. It's a little strange that he is so unsure of himself and his surroundings, seeing as how it must have been a big decision for him to risk everything for this moment.
The fact that he is still asking himself "Why was he here?" despite saying previously just how much is at stake confuses me a little and makes me suspect that the narrator is not quite as bright as he claims to be.
Everything about this story kept me intrigued from the beginning. I like the detail you used, particularly with respect to the hallways and the exterior of the bank. I had a pretty vivid picture of the character's surroundings throughout, so the descriptions were perfect.
I'm really excited to see where you take this story and learn more about this unconventional protagonist. Amazing work, I hope you have a great day!
Thank you for reviewing! I'm really glad you liked it, because this is going to be my new series
He wasn't actually supposed to be there with Layla. He was supposed to go to a meeting with the bank chef to get a loan, and instead ended up saying the password.
It's interesting that you don't let the reader know what's exactly happening in the first chapter or why he risked everything to come to that bank. It seems like he said that word accidentally but somehow the guard assumed he was a part of something that in fact he was not. Anyways, I'll just be helping out with grammar since there's nothing wrong with anything else that I can see.
He had put everything at stake for this: His job, his house, his money and even his family. Everyone was counting on him.
*The "His" after the : doesn't need to be capitalized since it is still in the same sentence.
He approached the man, who hastily took his feet off the desk and looked at him.
*The comma isn't necessary here since you don't need to pause.
And then he pressed a button on his keyboard, and a big door he had not noticed until now, opened.
*I don't think the And sounds good in the beginning in the sentence. Maybe switching it up would make it flow better. For example, "He then pressed a button on his keyboard and a big door he had not noticed until now opened." (Also the comma after keyboard is not needed)
He did not know what to say, or do for that matter, so he just walked through it, without a word.
*You only need the first two commas but you do not need the one after "walked through it."
He then heard the door close behind him, and he knew;
There was no coming back.
*These are still a part of the same sentence so you don't need to capitalize there. Also you don't need the semicolon.
He looked up, and there stood a woman.
*Comma isn't needed
Anyways the only mistakes in here are grammar related and there's not too many. Easily fixable stuff. Seems like this potential.
Thank you so much for the review! I will fix these issues as soon as I have the time. I have been told I have a problem with revealing everything at the beginning, so I'm trying to make it as mysterious as possible. Again, thanks!