Hi, Querencia! I've been reading your lovely story at a leisurely pace, planning to start reviewing once the other critiques thinned out. But then I thought why wait? The more reviews the better, right?
Sorry if it feels like I'm jumping in at an odd place. It's just that this was the chapter I was reading when I decided to start reviewing - I have read the previous ones, and can go back to critique those if you'd like. I'll probably keep my thoughts quite short for now, seeing as the other reviewers have covered a lot, but hopefully this will still be helpful.
"I... I started seeing Allie- this thing, I mean- shortly after I moved here. At the beginning of the summer," Finnley said,trying to explain.
You don't need to say he's trying to explain; that's clear from the dialogue. I do notice that sometimes you reiterate things that are already obvious (i.e. telling more than you need to) so keep an eye on that.
Other than that, Finnley's backstory explanation is really good. You get the right kind of self-consciousness in his dialogue, the right amount of nerves. Like BlueAfrica, I agree that his explanation feels a lot more natural and believable than Mia's in the previous chapter.
He should never have gotten this close to telling someone about the year surrounding his sister's death.
I almost felt like this line was a bit clinical, for want of a better word. 'The year surrounding his sister's death' just seems like a very formal way to put it, and it doesn't feel true to the mess Finnley's head would be in. If you had something like this:
He should never have gotten this close to telling her about- about everything.
Obviously just a rough suggestion, but I feel like this would kind of capture Finnley's grief a bit more. The fact that he doesn't want to specify what 'everything' is, like he still can't put his sister's death into words. I don't know. See if it inspires anything in you.
Reading over the chapter again, I think it is a general issue with your writing style that I don't always get the flavour of the POV character in the narrative. You don't adjust your style that much to fit with how Finnley sees the world, so it often feels quite distant and removed. I think it might be something to do with psychic distance, which I may come back to in more detail in a later review. It's not a huge issue at the moment.
The headlights made a slash in the night, illuminating the white siding of a house
This is a lovely image, but it could be even more concise and punchy: The headlights slashed through the night, illuminating the white siding of a house.
Unblock Mia Hart?
I'm just thinking now, is Mia Hart her actual name on the site he's writing the blog on? Don't you usually have usernames on an online community, and don't usernames not allow spaces? Even if it was something like Unblock MiaHart? or Unblock MiaHart98 it would feel a bit more appropriate. This is a horrendously picky point, I know, but I almost feel like you're missing out on an opportunity to give Mia a really zany username.
"Hey. Hope it went well with your mom." Mia.
Finnley began to reply: "It was fine. She just didn't like my wandering if she didn't get to know about it beforehand."
He waited for her response. "Heh. That's nice to know. We definitely planned for all of that." Then, "I think... I have the feeling that this isn't a single occurrence."
Finnley bit his lip. "Because of your grandma?"
"Yes. Finnley, I think it's time we found my Uncle Fred."
Because these are texts, I feel like they should be formatted differently to dialogue. I usually put them as their own paragraph and stick them in italics, but there's no set rules. It's not a major issue, but I thought I'd mention it seeing as Snazzy brought it up as well.
Overall, this was a really strong chapter (or conclusion to a chapter). One thing I was a bit uncertain about was Finnley's mum's reaction to him being out at night. I get that she's a really level-headed woman and she wants to give him space, but I thought she'd be a bit more freaked by his disappearance, especially given she's only recently lost another child. I felt like her usual calm should've cracked more. She could've been angry with him, then apologetic about being angry. People are rarely that reasonable when they're worried out of their minds.
Other than that, though, the chapter is great. I feel like the dialogue is a lot more natural in this segment compared to the previous one, and I think the story in general is going to take an exciting turn once they get monster hunting. I love the last line - it fills me with anticipation. I'm loving the development of Finnley and Mia's friendship as well, that kind of fire-forged relationship they have.
I can't believe I said this review was going to be short. Oh well, it's quite short by my standards!
Keep writing!
~Pan
Points: 46598
Reviews: 641
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