The attic wasn't at all like Finnley thought it would be. There were stacks of boxes, and random pieces of furniture scattered throughout the space. He sat down on a battered purple sofa and dragged some boxes towards him, sneezing in the dust that billowed up from them. The place could've been a historical site.
In the boxes he found jewelry, letters, old books, and silverware. There seemed to be no rhyme or reason to the stuff, no organization that Finnley could see. "All this is your grandmother's?" he asked Mia in amazement.
"Some of it," she admitted. Seated crosslegged in an ancient aqua colored armchair, she was holding up a tarnished mirror. "Some of it is grandad's stuff too, of course some of it is just ours, and I think that even my great grandparents left some of their things up here."
"If this stuff dates that far back, we really ought to find something useful," Finnley determined, pulling out the contents of he next box with a renewed vigor. He sorted through pill boxes, ceramic figures, letter openers, and dried flowers. He was just reaching for the bundle of papers at the bottom of the box when Mia spoke to him again. There was something odd, almost choked in her voice that made him turn to her.
"I found something," she whispered. "I think it's her journal." She slid off the armchair and dropped onto the couch next to Finnley, holding up the diary. He didn't have to ask to know she meant her grandmother. Her finger marked a page somewhere near the beginning, and she flipped the yellowing pages open to that spot.
"'It took longer than I thought to recover from my adventure in the woods last night,'" Mia read aloud. She and Finnley exchanged glances as she continued. "'I think I killed the thing, whatever it was, but I get the feeling there's more to come. This isn't the first unusual occurrence- I suspect there's more to this forest, to this town than anyone knows. The steady trend of disappearances has come to a standstill, but that doesn't mean things aren't happening. I've saved the newspaper clippings from all of them, but from the looks of things that monster couldn't have been the source of all of them.
"'My mother told me that our family moved here long ago, that we had some duty in the town, but that it had long since been forgotten, even though the family remained. As horrible as it might be, I have the oddest feeling that this could be our duty, that it's this that we've forgotten: monster hunting. Protecting the town from the creatures that lurk in the forest- or in the town itself. I fear that I've just uncovered one part of something grand, something too big even for me. I don't want to involve anyone else... but I may have to. I can't-'"
"Mia! Mia, we're home!" Mia's father called up from below, interrupting her in her narration. "Mia?"
"I'm in the attic," she hollered back, abruptly standing up and closing the journal on her finger again. She glanced at Finnley. "Come on, I don't think he likes the thought of us up here." If it hadn't been Mia, he would've asked why they were up there if her parents didn't think it was okay, but this was Mia. There was no need to ask that question.
She pulled open the trap door and allowed Finnley to clamber down first, staying back to turn off the light. Then she nimbly stepped down the ladder, journal still clasped in one hand. She closed the trap door with a soft click just before her father came into sight.
"Mia! There you are." Mr. Hart was a tall man with greying hair, but a kind, if weather-worn, face. Finnley hadn't met him before, but Mia had told him that he worked as a florist. He grinned the same way Mia often did, but it was as if his had become softer with age in a way Mia's hadn't yet. Her smile still spoke of ludicrous plans and adventures and of a person who was too extroverted to possibly be sane. Finnley supposed that was why he liked her.
"Who's this?" Mia's father asked, turning to Finnley. His smile was still in place, and his eyes twinkled merrily. "The Fin you've been talking about, I take it?"
Finnley looked sidelong at Mia, eyebrows raised. She really called him Fin to her parents? Even his own mother didn't call him Fin, but there was no controlling Mia. She gave him a lopsided smile, as if she was telling him she had absolutely no shame.
"I'm Finnley Bale," he said, stepping forward to shake Mr. Hart's hand.
"So polite!" he said, glancing at Mia as if astonished she could actually be friends with a calm, polite person. She shrugged to suggest that she could, in fact, and she was. He looked like he was about to say more, but then Mrs. Hart came up the stairs. "This is Finnley," he told her, and Finnley smiled at her. It was clear who Mia had inherited her physical traits from.
"It's a pleasure to meet you," she said kindly. Then she caught sight of what Mia held in her hands. Following her mother's line of sight, she tried to hide it, but it was too late. "Been in the attic, have you?" her mother said, snatching up the journal. Anger and worry washed over her previously calm face. "Haven't we told you enough? It's not good to meddle around in your grandma's things! She wasn't in her right mind. She was older, you know how they get. It's best if you don't go through her things."
"I want to know where Uncle Fred is," she said defiantly. "Why is he shunned from our family? I have seen him in years!"
Mia's father looked uncomfortable, as if their heritage didn't bother him as much as it did his wife. Even so, he put a hand on her shoulder. "Your mother's right, Mi," he said. "Your uncle had his reasons for leaving, and he hasn't come back yet. We just want what's best for you- and for you to be safe." He glanced at Finnley. "We can discuss this later. Finnley, would you like to stay for dinner?"
"No, I think I'd better be getting home," he said. He wouldn't intrude on their family matters, and tried to ignore Mia's eyes telling him to stay. Her parents wouldn't even talk about it with him in the room, so why bother?
"If you're sure," Mr. Hart said, back to his previous, jovial self. "Let me set my jacket down." He went into a bedroom while Mia and Mrs. Hart walked back downstairs with him. He shook hands with Mrs. Hart and gave Mia a quick hug. When Mr. Hart came back out, they too shook hands.
Finnley left the house, blinking in the evening light. In his hand was the slip of paper Mr. Hart had just passed into his hand. It was an address.
End of chapter
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Hiya, Querencia. Back again to review!
I also think you could switch the tenses around a bit here and have something like this:
Sitting cross-legged in an ancient aqua armchair, she held up a tarnished mirror.
That seems a little smoother to me, but it's completely up to you.
My rule of thumb is that unless a speech verb actually tells you something about the tone with which a character is speaking, you should use 'said'. So 'snapped', 'hissed' and 'yelled' would be fair game, but 'ruminated', 'reported' and 'explained' would not be. It's because, generally speaking, the latter category doesn't really tell us anything that shouldn't already be obvious from the dialogue. Obviously, it's not a hard and fast rule, and the world isn't going to cave in if you use those kinds of speech verbs, but it's a rule I keep in mind.
As such, I don't like the use of 'determined'. What is it doing that 'said' wouldn't? Nothing, really. It's just more visible, more distracting. I'd swap it out for 'said'.
It's clear that her narration has been interrupted from the fact that her dialogue was cut off, so you don't need to state the obvious here.
I don't really like the repetition of polite - it feels like you couldn't think of another word. Maybe have something like:
...as if astonished she could be friends with someone so well-mannered.
Just a suggestion, as always. But you could also use something like 'mannerly', 'courteous' or 'respectful' rather than repeating 'polite' again.
Maybe elaborate as to which specific physical traits they share. Nose? Eye shape? Stature?
Would the mother really behave like this in front of Finnley? I mean, you do get people who have no qualms about arguing in front of people, but it's not common. I'd expect her annoyance to be more veiled.
I also feel like we could do with knowing more about Finnley's feelings during this little dispute. Would he not be hot with embarrassment? Would he feel sort of responsible, given that he agreed to search with her? In my experience, there are few things more awkward than witnessing your friend get told off in your presence, especially when you're guilty of the same thing as them. It would be good if you tapped into that.
Like Snazzy touched on, this is a slightly awkward excuse. Maybe if he came in holding a shopping bag or something? Then he could go set that down. Or maybe he could just excuse himself to go to the bathroom?
Okay, now for more general comments. AWESOME end. I really wasn't expecting that, and it just raises so many questions! 1) Where will the address take them? 2) Why has he given it to Finnley and not Mia? 3) Why is he having to do it so secretively? Why is his wife so determined to hide things compared to him? I don't know the answer to any of these things, but I can't wait to find out.
When they were searching the attic, I would've liked a bit more sensory description. It was pretty much all visual, even though the most noticeable thing about ancient old attics is the smell of them. You could even comment on the silence, or the sound of wind against the roof, or the gurgle of a hot water tank. Anything. Just give me a few more details.
The diary entry is mostly fine, but I feel like the first paragraph of it is better than the second. The second is guilty of something I often see in fiction, where the characters discover a written account of something and it just so happens to comment on everything they need to know. When the entry starts talking about the family legacy and stuff, it just felt to me like it was engineered too much to answer the characters' questions. It didn't feel enough like a real, private journal entry. It would be okay if it just made a brief reference to the family legacy, but talking about it so extensively just struck me as too convenient.
Part of me thinks it would be cool if it was a frustratingly normal journal outside of the occasional references to monster hunting. Fair enough if she kept the journal specifically to talk about monsters, but I think it would be funny and oddly true-to-life if Mia and Finnley had to navigate through tons of mundane accounts to find the details they needed - miscellaneous reports of back pain and doctor's appointments and irritating neighbours and such like. It could be really good for characterising the grandmother from beyond the grave.
That's all for now! I'm really getting into this story now. I'm beginning to think that there must be more than meets the eye with Mia's family, and I can't wait to discover where the address leads. I'm guessing it will take them to the uncle, but who knows?
Keep writing!
~Pan
Guess who's baaaaccckkk?
This is my first official review for RevMo (I started late because I was on a short vacation), so please excuse my rustiness! I'm hoping to make more general comments about these earlier chapters that will still be relevant to what you're currently writing. Anyway, on with the review!
I'm just slightly confused with this dialogue tag. Normally when someone admits something, they're guilty or "confessing with reluctance". I don't think this fits with telling Finnley that some of it was her grandma's, but I could be wrong. This is very minor, but it could be applied to your other dialogue tags as well. I'm going to be honest with you: I suck at writing them (dialogue tags), but in the sense that I don't know how to fix them all the time. I can point them out, in other words. If I find some more tips on dialogue tags, I'll be sure to let you know!
This is my favorite sentence, but I can't pinpoint why!
I somewhat unconsciously knew, or at least thought, that the mood would shift and her parents would find the journal, but I think the mood shifted just a little too fast. That being said, I realize you are still (?) writing this for LMS, and I don't know any ways to make it not as abrupt. SO, that was more of just something I found while reading, but again, nothing major.
This was really the only sentence that seemed out of place in this chapter portion. I realize that this was just an excuse to get to the SUPER exciting ending, but it just seems so formally awkward. I realize some awkwardness to the situation will be needed, but I think this just breaks it up. Maybe if you had him mention something less formal, like going to set the table, the last few sentences would have more impact? (If that makes any sense whatsoever.)
Anyway, THAT ENDING. I lied a couple of chapter parts ago, this is by far my favorite ending so far!
Great chapter - keep up the good work!
-Snazzy (and happy birthday, too!
Glad you're back! Sorry it took me a bit to get around to responding, it's been crazy.

And yep, I'm still going! I'll have the next chapter up maybe tomorrow. And thank for both the review and the happy birthday! A review is the best birthday present I could ask for. <33
"I actually have no idea what I'm doing with dialogue tags," Falc admitted. "Or, you know, with writing in general. I will try to fix some of them~"
Eek don't you just love their smiles? Eek!
Mm, I see what you mean about the mood shift. Don't worry, I can mess around with it a bit and see if it can be a bit smoother!
The jacket bit was basically just so that Mr. Hart could disappear for a second and scribble down the address without being seen, so it's supposed to be a little suspicious, but if you can think of anything less awkward, that would be wonderful!
Haha yessss on LMS I love to keep up that suspense.
Hello Falconer, just leaving a review for you.
The plot becomes exciting. I really liked the part where Mia and Finnley were reading the diary together and were broken off. It's as if you aren't stretching the information till the reader gets irritated, but breaking off little crumbs to mull over.
The description of the attic had a nice touch of specificity too, but still can be improved a little. I want to see things from Finnley's eyes--see how he feels about this; is he uncomfortable etc. etc. If he sneezes easily, will the dust there bother him? or there's no dust? Or will the floors creak uncomfortably? Smells? Remember that engaging the other senses can boost the strength of the description.
Now, on to some technical bits: In the dialogue in the family, I've noticed you're using "said" a lot. I think it's fine to use it (not the extreme like "rejoined" or "uttered"). Action beats can replace some of them. For example,
can be
and
can be
A last one,
The "defiantly" can be replaced by body language that *show* her defiance. For example,
I'm really excited about the fact that Mr. Hart wedged in the address. Who's address is it? I'm imagining it's the mysterious Uncle Fred's and I'm eager to know more about this! The only minor issue in that bit was that the transition between the shaking-hands bit and the paper was a little fuzzy in my opinion. Did Mr. Hart openly give it to him (I suspect not)? Or did he pass it on through the handshake? If so, perhaps when Finnley shook hands, he felt something in his hand but didn't look at it till he was out.
Well, that's all I've got to comment on! Feel free to message me if you want to discuss and to use my suggestions or not
An address??? Ooooh. The plot thickens thicker.
Um, dude. Finnley. Have you even met other teenagers? Doing things your parents don't want you to do is kind of part of the program.
ANYWAY. I'm intrigued by Mr. Hart's involvement - he might know more than his wife does about the truth of the matter, and he's definitely a bit more willing to be involved. I also like your description of his smile in contrast with Mia's.
Oh, okay. For a moment I was going to say, "How convenient they found a diary detailing this monster stuff and that Mia happened to open to a spot where it talked about just that," but then I reread that line and realized she had probably flipped through and read it for a moment before she told Finnley she'd found something. So that's all right, I guess.
I'd like to see a couple more specific things in that attic, though. You do a good job giving a general idea of what it's like and what sorts of things are there.
(P.S. What does Finnley expect the attic to be like, if not a space full of old junk no one remembers or wants or can be bothered to throw out?)
However, I'd like to see some of the things Finnley finds. Is there anything he thinks is a clue, but it turns out to be a dud? Is there something he finds fascinating even though he knows it obviously has nothing to do with the case? Is there something he finds that Mia has memories of and gets nostalgic about?
I mean, I know it's LMS, so we're just writing a bit at a time, and we want to get to certain events in *this* chapter (omg I'm so guilty of that), but in a future draft I think the part prior to finding the diary could be expanded on. Really the diary maybe could, too. What's old granny's handwriting look like? Does the diary smell like old books or more like old lady? The diary entry was interesting, but it would be even more interesting broken up by bits of description that set sort of a chilly tone, because we're in a creepy attic reading about secret monster hunting.
Thanks for the review! You're totally right, I just wanted to get to where Mia's parents are reacting to her snooping and stuff. XD But maybe I'll go back in and add more description later. (and obviously no, Finnley hasn't met other teenagers, that would require social interactions!) And yeah, I meant to imply that Mia was flipping through the first little bit of the journal before that caught her eye.
Hello, Falconer? (I want to say fellow falconer because I actually want to be a falconer but you're not a falconer so we aren't falconry fellows...*sigh*)
Ok back to review. First off, no errors in the technical side of things, so yay to you! (or your spellcheck) I remember reading a previous chapter, and I think I reviewed it. Because of that, I remembered Fin and Mia. This chapter brings you into a creepy old attic where family secrets lie. Where old journals are found and mysteries are unraveled, and maybe where we find out what happened to Uncle Fred and/or grandma. Point being, you intrigued the reader by weaving a scene of mystery and planting that seed of curiosity. A great thing to do.
This is pretty much it. You described them well, there weren't technical errors, it sounded good, I liked it, it's a good story. Good job. Keep writing!
Sincerly,
~Chie
Thank you! And I was going to say that I thought R2 was cuter, but looking at this GIF I just can't.