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Young Writers Society



How Was Your Day? - Chapter 6.2

by Que


Finnley and Mia made it out of the forest without any further mishaps, though that didn't stop Finnley from readjusting his grip on the baseball bat and looking around anxiously. They blinked in the bright moonlight as they stepped out from the shadow of the trees. Everything was normal and peaceful, as if a battle hadn't just happened.

Standing slightly behind her, Finnley watched as Mia's shoulders relaxed and the bat hung loosely in her hand. "Come on," she said, turning to look at him. "Let's go to my house. We'll get some food and... well, we have lots to discuss."

"Alright," Finnley agreed. They were no longer inside the forest, but he wanted to be far, far away from the prickling feeling it gave him, the stares of its invisible inhabitants. He hated the idea of being watched, the way he felt the first time he walked to school. It was troubling to know that there was evidence to support that feeling he has shrugged off.

Mia's house was closer to the school than Finnley's, though a little farther in. The streets were silent, and everything felt too open. He was grateful when Mia let him into her house and shut the door behind him.

"My parents should be asleep upstairs," she whispered, flicking on the hall light. "I don't think they would mind, anyway. Not if I told them."

The first thing Finnley notices were the plants. They were everywhere; flowerpots full of flowers and small trees lined the floor and windowsills, dangling, potted plants hung from the ceiling, and cacti in interesting arrangements littered the table as Mia lead the way into the kitchen.

"I am a plant lover," Mia said, blushing slightly. "I was neither kidding nor exaggerating. Plus, my dad's a florist, so some of these are his. It sort of runs in the family- Mum wasn't all that pleased to see that I shared his passion."

"It's- they're nice," Finnley offered. It was strange, but there was a kind of cozy, homey feel with all those plants around. Now if only there was a rabbit...

"You can take a seat, if you'd like," said Mia airily, gesturing at the counter. It was as if she did this every day. Setting her own back into her practice bag, she eased the baseball bat out of Finnley's hands, still clenched around it as if it were his lifeline.

As Finnley sat at the counter and looked curiously around the room- or forest, it really could be either- Mia bustled around the kitchen. She placed a mug in front of Finnley, then a plate of food. There was a bar of dark chocolate, bread and cheese, and an apple. The mug appeared to be full of... warm milk?

"I'm not sure what you usually eat, but I thought the warm milk would help calm you down. I can grab some blankets, too. I swear, the chocolate really will help you feel better. It's just best if you get some stuff in your stomach, alright? Your face is really pale- you look as if you haven't eaten in a bit." Mia sipped something from her own mug- it appeared to be an herbal tea. Setting it down, she sat across from him at the counter.

"Fin, I know you're not really one to trust someone else. I'd love it if you'd tell me about what happened tonight, about who that girl was. I'll tell you what I know first, alright? Then you can trust me," Mia said, folding her hands on the counter and leaning forward to look Finnley in the eye.

"We've lived in this house for as long as I can remember. I only knew my grandma when I was very little; she was always going on about the forest, and the duty we had- something about a great evil. The rest of the family, especially my parents, thought she was crazy. My grandpa would listen to her, but I don't think he believed her. She ended up dying, and we thought that the crazy talk ended with it.

"One night when I was nine, several years later, I awoke to something in the night. I looked through the house, and I saw Grandpa getting up and leaving. I followed him, and realised that he was following Grandma. Something was wrong. Grandma had been dead for years. I tried to tell him, but he wouldn't look at me. I couldn't follow him into the forest- it was too much for me at that age. But my father's brother, Uncle Fred, he saw it too. He went into the forest.

"Hours later, he came back. He was covered in blood and scratched, and he told us that Grandpa wasn't coming back. That thing had got him- the thing who was pretending to be Grandma. My parents were, of course, alarmed. They got angry and shouted at him, told him to leave the house. I think they were more frightened than anything. He couldn't stand to leave the state, but that's all we know. We never saw him again.

"I always felt weird about that forest, like whatever my grandma had said was true, like whatever she had intended to do, I should do too. But the incident passed away, and I didn't linger on it. Other strange occurrences have happened throughout the years, but I ignored them. That night you first saw that girl, I knew it was the same. Somehow, deep inside me, I knew. And I knew I couldn't let the same thing happen to you." Mia swallowed and looked down, stirring her tea.

Avoiding looking at Mia, Finnley spread the cheese across his bread and ate it. He took a loud bite of his apple; it didn't help to calm his nerves. He nibbled at his dark chocolate and sipped his warm milk before setting both down. "I think it's time I told you about my past," he said after a long pause. He stared directly ahead, and Mia looked up sharply. "Allie was my sister."


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377 Reviews


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Sun May 28, 2017 1:11 pm
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Snazzy wrote a review...



Hello! Snazzy back for more reviews! :3

It was troubling to know that there was evidence to support that feeling he has shrugged off.


Okay, so this is REALLY nitpicky, but this sentence kind of confused me. I know what you're getting at, but it seems like it was worded weirdly. I don't know. Seeing as no one else mentioned it, it's probably just me; I was just puzzled for a second at the 2nd half.

I agree with BlueAfrica in the aspect of the transition. I think one thing contributing to this could be her not waiting for a reply when she told Fin that he could trust her. (Maybe.) My suggestion would be to have Fin do that - even if it's just a slight head nod. However, I must admit, the dialogue had me on the edge of my seat! :)

AHHHHHHHH THAT ENDING!

Anyway, I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful! I don't want to repeat anything other reviewers said without having something else to add, so this was all I found! It was very enjoyable to read!

-Snazzy




Que says...


Thanks for the review! <3 I'll work on that if when I go back and edit it all. XD



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Sun Apr 30, 2017 2:38 pm
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PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hi there, another knight is reviewing your work here!

This was a relatively calm chapter after the creepy scene and it was enjoyable to read. The story had some tension, but then it wasn't too physical, more like a revelation. It was like an interesting breather to me, and the cliffhanger at the end of the chapter was also a nice touch.

I just like the fact that Mia's house has a lot of plants in it. I wonder what's her yard like :D The only critique I have here with the description of the house is that there could be a notch more specificity when it comes to "plants"

The first thing Finnley notices were the plants. They were everywhere; flowerpots full of flowers and small trees lined the floor and windowsills, dangling, potted plants hung from the ceiling, and cacti in interesting arrangements littered the table as Mia lead the way into the kitchen.


"Cacti" was specific, but "plants hung from the ceiling" might be a little vague. I don't think the reader needs to be bombarded with plant names, but just a little more specificity would be great, in my opinion. And other descriptions as well; specific nouns and verbs really add color (though too much description will drag the narrative).

I do agree with BlueAfrica that the transition to the story was slightly abrupt. It was like they sat down at the table and Mia jumped into the story really quickly. Even she's a really bouncy, quick-thinking girl, I feel as if she would be still unsettled after the incident in the forest. But I really like the way that the information you revealed was enough to satisfy my curiosity--yet manage to keep me on the edge of my toes.

I believe that's all I've got to say and I hope you have a great day! Feel free to use my suggestions or not, and message me if you want to discuss!

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Wed Apr 19, 2017 5:12 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Ah, the part of the story where some questions get answered. But first.

"It's- they're nice," Finnley offered. It was strange, but there was a kind of cozy, homey feel with all those plants around. Now if only there was a rabbit...


Omg.

Also, I love Mia's house and I would have that many plants if I didn't have a cat to eat them all.

I loved having some of my questions answered. But! I think the way Mia just dives right into the story was oddly abrupt. I mean, in character. I totally believe Mia would be like, "So you're probably curious about what just happened back there" and then tell him. She's really open, and we know she hates lies.

But, I don't know, maybe what I mean is the transition?

"Fin, I know you're not really one to trust someone else. I'd love it if you'd tell me about what happened tonight, about who that girl was. I'll tell you what I know first, alright? Then you can trust me," Mia said, folding her hands on the counter and leaning forward to look Finnley in the eye.

"We've lived in this house for as long as I can remember. I only knew my grandma when I was very little; she was always going on about the forest, and the duty we had- something about a great evil. The rest of the family, especially my parents, thought she was crazy. My grandpa would listen to her, but I don't think he believed her. She ended up dying, and we thought that the crazy talk ended with it.


Like I think the "I know you don't really trust people, so I'll tell you my story first so you feel like you can tell me yours" is a good way to start, but then she just "we've lived in this house forEVER and I only knew my grandma when I was little" and it was sort of left-field. Like how long they've been in the house is not relevant, plus we would assume they've been there a long time if Mia's a little kid in the story. And we hadn't heard anything about her grandma before, so the "I only knew my grandma when I was very little" was sort of weird too.

I have a couple suggestions, along the lines of...
1. It started with my grandma.
2. When I was a kid, my grandma would go on and on with these crazy stories about the forest.
3. My grandparents lived with us when I was a kid, and my grandma used to drive my parents crazy with these stories...

Or something like that. I mean, they're not super-great, but I think they're a little more focused and transitiony, if you get my meaning, and it's just off the top of my head after all.

Tag me when you post more, please!




Que says...


Oh. Yeah. The house was going to be relevant, but I forgot to tie it in. I can definitely work on making that transition gentler! Thanks again for the review and all the others too. <3




You are in the wrong land even if the roosters recognize you.
— Nathalie Handal, "Noir, une lumière"