Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
Everything hurt. The kind of pain that wasn’t just physical, but also came in the form of a convent mental feedback that thrummed through the mind like late night static turned onto the highest volume.
Opening her eyes, the brunette blinked rapidly, before slowly lifting her head and staring out through her veil of messy curls – just a pair of jade hued eyes squinting outward. She opened and closed her mouth, wincing at the dry, stale feeling not at all unlike waking up after a night of heavy drinking, which she was more than accustomed too.
However, the telltale ache of her limbs and the wretched throbbing of her head were not the result of a party that got a bit out of hand. No, this was something much, much worse.
Suddenly, the room was turned white in a brilliant flash of illumination – causing the girl to groan and jerk backward in her seat. Her limbs jingled metallically at the movement, and it was at that moment that she realized that her wrists and ankles were bound.
Lovely.
Squinting, she turned her gaze towards the source of the overwhelming light, trying to make out the darkened figures standing just beyond the brightness. Her efforts were rewarded by a single figure, leaning forward into the light and giving her a wide grin.
“Hello, Elicia, and welcome to Jupiter.”
*********************
All stories have to begin somewhere, and for Elicia Keller, hers was that fateful day in China. Every student studies abroad, but most don’t end up getting accidentally sucked into illegal weapons deals by accident.
No… that’s not far back enough. Perhaps a better place to begin would be the day of her high school graduation, four years prior.
“China?” Her best friend, Emile, demanded - waving around Elicia’s roundtrip ticket in the air like some sort of noisemaker. They sat alone on the steps of the Lincoln memorial, still wearing their caps after the five hour long ceremony. They only had a short amount of time before Emile’s graduation party, and the two had decided to spend their first hour and a half as high school graduates eating ice-cream and basking in the late may sun. “But I thought you were going to come to France with me…” The blonde’s face fell, a small pout forming on her lips.
“I would, but I need something bigger, something different,” Elicia responded, reaching out to place a comforting hand on her friend’s shoulder. The two of them weren’t like most best friends. They hadn’t known each other their whole lives, heck, they hadn’t even known each other for half of them. Emile was a city girl, born and raised. Her mother was a French diplomat, and her father was a politician. As for Elicia, well, her life wasn’t so romantic. Her parents had passed away when she was far too young to remember anything about them. At that time, she had been taken in by her Uncle Seymour, a navel Marine. Elicia had been all over the world – traveling to Asia, Europe, and all around the states. Thankfully, during her final to years of High School, she had been able to convince her rather overprotective Uncle to allow her to stay in D.C for her senior year as a last effort to live a normal teenage life.
Which, as it so happens, was a terrible idea because a lifetime of travelling the world had resulted in her being anything but a normal teenager.
Not only that, it seemed that military bases were not the best place to learn everyday social skills, and as a result most of the school’s population just avoided the young woman as a rule.
All except for Emile, who, as luck would have it, was one of the hottest girls in school yet was just as aggressive, if not even more so, than Elicia was. Seriously, the girl had the body of a swimsuit model and the arm strength of a professional wrestler. She had once knocked out the school’s star quarterback with a single swing when she had found out he’d been hitting on another girl at a party.
A girl who just so happened to be Elicia. Pulling her fist back, the blonde spit on her newest ex before turning to the shocked student behind her and offering a grin.
“What do you say we get out of here and go see a midnight movie?” She asked, gesturing her head towards the door.
The two had been inseparable ever since.
“Sounds like you. Are you sure you’ll be okay? I mean, if you want I can come with you…” Emile offered, but Elicia shook her head.
“Thanks, Em, but this is something I’ve got to do on my own,” She stated, before pulling her friend into a hug. “But promise me you’ll come and visit. Okay?”
Emile nodded. “I promise.”
Half a month later and Elicia was getting on a plane to Beijing with her entire life packed up into a single suitcase.
It was kind of depressing, really, realizing everything she had ever owned could fit onto a single carry on. Saved money though.
Plus, after she made a name for herself at University, Elicia could make a whole new life. One that she could be proud of. One that was all her own.
****************************
Cut to four years later and the oddball brunette was set to graduate at the top of your class from College as a Linguistics and Ethnic studies major. Not a task easily achieved, but one she had worked hard for.
She had a little apartment :one room with a small balcony looking out a brick wall – the type of place that could inspire anyone of Herman Melville’s stories. Not much, but it was hers.
Elicia awoke that particular morning to the loud wringing of her alarm. It was a small thing, pale white in color with a pink light inside. At first glance it looked like a cloud but for the swirl of yellow on either side. Apparently, according to her Uncle, it was supposed to be a ram.
“You get it? Because you count sheep!” He guffawed, proud at having discovered such a magnificent item during his stay in Japan. The thing made a loud wringing noise whenever it went off, and it even spoke. Had she been surprised when, one morning, she heard the voice of a child speaking nonsense in her room at six o’clock in the morning.
But hey, who was she to complain. At least it got her out of bed on time every day, which, considering her track record as a night owl, wasn’t a feat so easily accomplished.
Rolling over Elicia pressed her hand to the sleep button, but the noise still continued. Cracking open a single eye, she glared at the illuminated screen of your cellphone - which currently showed the beaming faces of her and your Emile from the New Year celebration last year.
Lifting the device, she rolled over onto her back and brought it to her ear.
“What is it?” Elicia grumbled.
“Morning to you too, sleepyhead. What crawled into your bed and died?” Emile laughed from the other end.
“If you really want to know, a shit ton of Baiju. Probably enough to kill a horse, or some other sort of large, metaphorical animal,” she responded, groaning.
“Oh, sounds like fun. Anyone cute?” Emile asked, and even despite the throbbing pain in her skull Elicia still managed to roll her eyes.
“No, Emile.”
“Ah, don’t sound so grumpy, Ellie. I’m still holding out for that double wedding we always wanted,” she said cheerily, and Elicia snorted.
“Correction. That you always wanted, Emile. Plus, we are kind of running out of time on that, aren’t we? You know, considering you are getting married next month.” Elicia chuckled, shaking her head at Emile’s usual antics. Seriously, the girl was nearly twenty-thee and she hasn’t matured beyond eighteen.
“Details, details,” Emile said wistfully. There was the loud sound of a crash on the other end, followed by laughter.
“Speaking of details,” Elicia said, sitting up and deciding that - despite it being six o’clock in the morning and far too early to deal with the raging hangover that would probably loom over her the rest of the day - she might as well get up. “What exactly is happening on your end of the line?”
“Oh, Abel and some friends are coming over tonight to drink with me. We probably have enough liquor to kill an elephant…or some other large, metaphorical animal.” She stated easily.
“You and your fiancée are trying to outdrink me, eh? Don’t get yourself killed out there, poupée.”
“Up yours, chienne.” Emile said cheerfully, before hanging up. Smirking, Elicia set down her phone and went about your morning routine before heading out.
It just so happened that the apartment you were living in was above a small bakery. The owner, Mrs. Lin, was an old acquaintance of your Uncle and made the best lotus seed buns in all of Beijing.
“Morning Nǎinai!” She called, running down the stairs while trying to tug on her sneakers.. Already the place was filled to the brim with customers looking to buy sweets or medicinal sweets. Mrs. Lin’s grandson stood behind the counter, rapidly taking orders while she quickly prepared them. She glanced up at Elicia’s call, shouting something to her son over the din and moving towards the younger girl.
“Good morning, Xiǎo táozi.” Mrs. Lin greeted, poking. “Up so early, despite being out so late. I’ll make you some tea.” And with that she turned and prepared a cup. Elicia leaned against the counter, watching as the older woman set to work. Despite her age she was still so quick – her age seeming to have improved her agility over the years. She wordlessly opened small drawers filled with dried herbs, mixing them within a small cup and pouring in the water before covering it and bringing it to Elicia.
“Here, drink this. It will help get rid of that nasty hangover.” She said, before reaching behind the counter and handing her a small pink bun as well. “And, of course, a snack to help settle your stomach.” She winked. Elicia grinned, leaning down and kissing her cheek.
“Xièxiè, Nǎinai,” she said with a small smile, before hurriedly eating the bun and chugging down her drink. Leaving the cup behind the counter, she said a final goodbye before heading off to the university. She figured that she could at least do some more work on some of the translations she was working on before classes began.
It was an average day, really, no different than any other. And if Elicia had known what would happen the moment she walked out of that door, well, maybe she would have done something differently.
Maybe she would have chosen to go back to bed. Maybe she would have chosen to stay on the line just a little while longer to let Emile know just exactly how much their friendship meant to her. Maybe she would have called her Uncle, or stayed with Mrs.Lin just a little longer.
Or, maybe, Elicia would have done nothing at all.
Because as she walked down those familiar busy streets, she couldn’t help but pick out the shouting coming from a nearby alleyway. Rolling her eyes, she released a long sigh and stepped out of the sea of pedestrians and into the alleyway. It barely took her a minute of walking before she encountered the source of the ruckus: two boys of about nineteen. One of them, who Elicia knew from her Kung Fu classes, was currently standing against another boy she recognized from the neighborhood.
“Oy! What do you think you are doing?” Elicia shouted, coming to a stop and crossing her hands over her chest. Both boys looked up, an expression of shock coming over their features as they quickly released one another and stumbled apart.
“It’s nothing, Keller,” The boy from her Kung Fu classes, Liu Jie, stammered.
“Oh really? You mean like the other five or six times?” Elicia asked, raising her eyebrow. “Seriously, what if Wang Shifu were to find out about this?” The other boy, though for the life of her Elicia could not remember his name, stepped forward.
“It’s my fault. Don’t tell Mr. Wang,” he begged. Elicia continued to stare the two down, before releasing a sigh.
“Yeah, yeah.” She sighed, and both men exchanged a glance. The neighborhood boy slapped Liu Jie on the shoulder, before walking into the building on the left.
“Thanks, Keller,” Liu Jie said, stepping towards Elicia.
“Hey, I’m not doing this for you, short stack. Who would I spar with if Wang Shifu kicked you out?” She asked, slinging an arm over his shoulder and ruffling his dark hair. “So what was it this time.? Did he steal your lunch money? Or was it that girl again?”
“Li Li.” Liu Jie corrected, shirking off her arm and turning to meet Elicia’s gaze. The brunette rolled her eyes, snorting.
“Yeah, Li Li. Seriously, that girl draws trouble like a light draws bugs. Just be more careful, alright?” She asked. Liu Jie nodded.
“You got it, Keller.” And with that he was turning and walking in the other direction – leaving Elicia alone in the long, empty alley.
“Great.” She sighed, glancing from side to side. Which was had she come again?
Shrugging, and figuring she had time to spare anyway, she turned to her right and began walking. The alleyway was silent for about a minute or so, growing slowly grimier and more menacing the more she walked. She was about to turn back when the sound of loud voices reached her from the building to her left – a rundown mess of a thing that was probably the largest health hazard she had ever seen. And one of those voices was an American.
“This is it?” One of the men asked, carrying a rather thick Hong Kong accent.
“Of course.” Another man, this time clearly American, responded. “Do you have the money?”
“Yes.”
Curiosity tickled her palette – drawing her eyes upward to an open window on the second floor. Of course it was none of her business. She knew she was sticking her nose where it didn’t belong climbing up on a rather flimsy looking dumpster in order to get a better look.
With a little bit of effort and a silent thank you to Wand shifu and his killer abs regiment, Elicia found herself peeking up over the windowsill into a large, empty room with greying walls and plain cement floors. On one side of the room was a number of black clad men – a whole crowed of them – with their backs facing her. On the other stood a single man, alone, before a table with a single aluminum briefcase.
In other words, the scene looked bad. Really bad, and she was suddenly reminded of the phrase ‘curiosity killed the cat’.
One of the men in black moved, and there was a distinct flash of metal.
Oh shit, were they carrying guns?
“Then we will take the codes and be on our way.” One of the Chinese men stated, stepping forward.
Codes…as in, bomb codes?
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.
She really, really should not be here. What on earth was she thinking? This was probably the stupidest decision Elicia have ever made – even worse than that one time she let Emile take her shopping in Paris! It took weeks for those stitches to heal, and she still had a scar!
Who knew high heels could be so deadly?
Elicia was just about to quietly slip away when suddenly the lone American looked straight at her. At first, it was just a passing glance, and then his eyes widened and he turned back to meet her gaze with a look of utter shock plastered across his features.
It was almost comedic, if it hadn’t caught the attention of the entire group of gun clad thugs. They all turned to look at her, wearing similar flabbergasted expressions to the American. For a moment they all stood there, in silent shock, before Elicia’s foot slipped and she was sent wind milling backward onto the rough plastic lid of the dumpster and straight onto the dirty cement.
“Ow…” She groaned, rubbing her aching limbs. As if on cue there was a sudden shout from up above.
“This was a set up! Get him, and go after the girl!”
“Fuck…” Elicia trailed, getting to her feet and preparing to run.
Yet, despite the very real, and very emanate threat of a painful death, she paused.
Could she really just leave that man up there to die?
On one hand, he was selling weapons codes to a group of thugs from who knows where for who knows what purpose.
On the other end, this was all her fault. No matter who that man was, or what he was doing, could she really live with the knowledge that his blood was on her hands?
Most definitely not.
Taking a deep breath, Elicia ran a finger through her hair and turned back to the building.
“This is it, Ellie,” she said to herself. “At least you had a good run while it lasted.” And with that final thought, Elicia was running. With a leap she hit the dumpster, jumping up to grip the second story windowsill and scrabbling upward until she were able to pull herself up and over the windowsill. Spinning, she turned to the room which, thankfully, seemed to be down half its menacing squad of bad guys and the remaining few were busy trying to beat down the suite wearing American.
Seriously, why the hell had the guy decided to wear a suite of all things? It looked expensive too…
Shaking her head, Elicia focused on the chaos ahead of her.
“Think, Ellie. Think,” she muttered to herself, before her gaze settled on the open door at the other end of the room.
Step one: close the door and inhibit backup. Seemed easy enough.
Having made her decision, she ran around the crowed of men towards the opposite side of the room. Barely ten steps in she managed to catch one of the men’s attention and ended up with a gun pointed directly at her head.
“Stupid woman.” He spit in Cantonese, rushing forward with his weapon raised. Elicia’s mind immediately went back to her martial arts training, specifically her practice in disarming enemies.
But that was with a knife. And this guy had a gun.
Well, beggars can’t be choosers, and at this point it was fight back or die with more holes than a slice of swiss cheese.
So, the former. Preferably.
Lashing out she grabbed the man’s wrist and twisted as hard as she possibly could – guiding the limb down and back up with a loud snap. The gun fell from his hand onto the ground, and Elicia swiftly kicked it away before digging the heel of her free hand into his groin then up into his chin. His head flew backwards, giving her an opportunity to wrap her hands around his skull and pull it forward straight into her knee.
“Oh god, ouch. I’m so sorry.” She stammered as his unconscious body snaked to the floor. Taking a deep breath she regained her composure. Now, surrounded by deadly killers, was not the time to chicken out.
No matter how much she wished she had just decided to leave this guy to die.
Reaching down she picked up the gun - a pistol, she assumed, before continuing your quest to the door. Thankfully, it seemed that most of the gang members had already been taken down, and the American was currently in the process of taking down the rest. Elicia weren’t stopped again until she reached the door – slamming the wooden surface shut and pressing her back to it.
“Mission accomplished,” she said happily, releasing a sigh and wiping her brow. It wasn’t until she heard a loud crack and turned to see the small, smoking round crack over her left shoulder that she realized that a plain wooden door probably wasn’t the best defense against bullets.
Fantastic.
Thank goodness it seemed the shot had come from inside the room, and…
Elicia looked up to find the American wrestling with a man with a knife as another came up behind him bearing a switchblade.
“Behind you!” She shouted, unconsciously raising the gun and releasing a resonating shot. The room was still for a moment, before the American slammed his head into the man he was wrestling before turning and snapping the neck of the other.
“You missed,” he stated, letting the limp body fall to the ground with a soft thud.
“Wha, ex, excuse me?” Elicia stammered, taken aback by the man’s cold, apathetic tone. “I think the phrase you are looking for is: your welcome. Or, even better, my hero,” she responded, crossing her hands over her chest and raising an eyebrow.
“No. I believe the phrase that I’m looking for is: Never pick up a gun again, because you are a terrible shot. Now hurry up and get out of the way.” Striding forward, the man pushed Elicia aside and opened the door – glancing to either side before lowering his weapon and walking into the hallway.
“I mean, you’re not wrong, but still…” she trailed defeated, following after him. “So how exactly do you plan on getting us out of this?” sheasked. The man didn’t respond, simply continuing to stride through the empty corridors in silence.
“Excuse me? Hello?” Elicia continued, growing frustrated. The stranger stopped, peaking his head down a final corridor before moving into an hallway that ended in a dead end.
“What do you mean we?” He finally responded, opening the door at the other end which lead out onto the fire escape. Without hesitation he began to climb up. Giving an anxious glance over the edge, Elicia swallowed her fear and followed.
“I don’t know. Maybe the plural created by combining you, and I?” She responded, doing her best not to glance down at the street three stories below as she climbed up the flimsy ladder.
She didn’t like heights on her best days, and this was really pushing it.
“I am going to be extracted by helicopter. And you are going to stay out of my way.” The man responded coldly as they finally reached the rooftop.
“What did you just say? Oh no you don’t, you cold hearted son of a…” Elicia grunted, pulling herself up and onto solid ground once again. Even if she were standing on top of a building, without any walls to separate she from the distant and very deadly ground. Also, there was this asshole…
For the first time she finally got a good look at him, and it almost came as a shock that he was good looking. Like really good looking. Chiseled features, flawless skin, jet black hair and the oddest golden eyes she had ever seen. Or, more specifically, the only gold eyes she had ever seen. Seriously, were those contacts? He had the type of face one expected to see on the front of People’s magazine, not in a dingy building down an alley in Beijing.
“What did you expect, a thank you?” He asked, those honeyed hues turning to look down on Elicia with an expression that could only be politely described as condescending.
Her cheeks began to heat, and she grit her teeth in an attempt to hold back her temper.
“Yes, actually. And, I don’t know, maybe a little help out of this mess considering I just saved your life!” The brunette shouted. The man seemed utterly unfazed, raising a single eyebrow.
“You are the one who endangered it in the first place. Everything was going smoothly until you showed up and…” He trailed off, nodding his head.
“Yes. Yes. Just hurry it up will you.” He stated to no one in particular. Elicia furrowed her brows, about to give the stranger an earful when suddenly the wind began to pick up and a low thrum began to reverberate through the air. Turning her gaze skyward she was met with the sight of a rapidly descending underbelly of a helicopter. Within moments the machine was landing before them in a din of lashing wind and deafening propeller beats.
“So I take it the mission wasn’t a success?” A young man aboard shouted over the monotonous whir. The American hopped on board beside him, turning back and meeting Elicia’s gaze a final time.
“Let’s go.” He stated.
“Oh no you don’t, you freaking bastard!” Elicia shouted, running forward. “Don’t you dare just leave me here to die! I swear I will come back to haunt your pompous ass!” The other man, likely her age with a swath of blonde hair and a playful glint to his eye, snorted.
“Oh, Vinny, looks like you found a keeper!” He held out his hand to Elicia. “Come on then.” She hesitated briefly, but seeing as she had no other choice, she before closed her hand around his and allowed him to pull her up and inside. The helicopter immediately lifted off, causing Elicia to teeter. Thankfully, the blonde caught her around the waist and kept her steady as he guided her over to a set of seats.
“The names Finch by the way, a pleasure to meet you!” He said, giving her a wink as he sat her down and helped her buckle in.
“Thank you.” Elicia breathed, relaxing into the chair. She’d made it. She’d survived.
Her eyes swiveled to the dark haired stranger, who was currently buckling himself in across from her.
…no thanks to that jerk.
“Ah, don’t go thanking me just yet. By the way, did that hurt?” Finch asked, cocking his head.
“Did what…?” Elicia broke off, a sudden wave of dizziness washing through her mind. “Wha’d you do ta me?” She slurred, head drooping.
“Have a good night, Mrs. Elicia!” Finch said cheerfully, before her entire world went black.
End of chapter
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Hello! I'm here for a quick review today.
I liked this! I like reading good starts to novels, and yours so far is pretty strong. I like that Elicia has a strong voice - I can already feel what her character is like and that's good.
I'm not sold on the second part. I feel like you're info dumping too much too quickly - I want you to show me that Elicia and Emile are the best of friends in the way they talk to each other, not their backstory. Similarly, I think you could sum up how she's moved around a lot and where she is for college a lot more simply. Detail at this point isn't good, because the audience is not going to remember much of it at all.
To me, the part of this chapter that risked losing me most as a reader was this action sequence. It was a bit confusing - I wasn't sure how many enemies were in the room - and went on longer than I would have liked because I was assuming that she was going to lose, because of your first scene where she wakes up captured.
I also didn't know she understood Cantonese - I think you should probably mention that earlier, and if you did and I missed it, than maybe make it a bit more obvious.
With her disarming the gunman... I'm not sure I buy it. Disarming someone with a knife is very different from disarming someone with a gun, and I feel like martial arts training is not enough to keep her from freezing up like most normal people do when they have a gun pointed at them. I just don't think it's realistic that she'd disarm him fast enough to stop the gun going off.
A small problem I had is that I kept getting Elicia and Emile mixed up because of how similar their names look. (Both start with the same letter and are roughly the same length.) Also, it took my forever to realize that "Emile" is probably a variant spelling of "Emily."
Finally, I didn't really understand why she was going to go with him at all in the helicopter. Why couldn't she just have slipped out the door and hid? Getting in a helicopter with an arms dealer doesn't seem like the best idea. If you meant that backup was coming and they needed to get away, you could've shown that better.
Good luck with this, and keep writing!
That was a good read. A long good read.
For the opening, I don't know if this is prologue or what, so here it is:
First, I would like to point out that few of your sentences (one or two of them) are really long. Do mind putting commas or breaking them down into perhaps, two? (Because at some points, I literally need to catch my breath XD)
I personally liked the part where your character, Elicia was greeted by the figure. In all honesty, for the opening, that specific part made me hooked.
After the ****** part, I take it as the main story?
One word. Wow.
I was taken aback by the flow of thought in this one. It's definitely a good one.
There are a few things that just need some little editing like this one:
The part of "was an old acquaintance of your Uncle and made the best lotus seed buns in all of Beijing."
>The your should be her, because you're talking in a third person POV.
Also, this one "why the hell had the guy decided to wear a suite of all things?"
>That should be spelled as suit as in the one that can be worn.
Oh, I also like this part.
"Well, beggars can’t be choosers, and at this point it was fight back or die with more holes than a slice of swiss cheese."
--
I don't know if your native language is English, because you are really, really good. I mean it. I commend the use of some words in Chinese, but please do include notes maybe, at the end. This is to explain those words, because not all your readers will know what they mean. Though I approve the way how they are naturally used.
You know what, I've written this review by parts as I read the whole work. I've deleted some of it, because you are that good. Some of my previous points are given justice by the main story, and I think that it is great.
This is a refreshing read. Good work and keep it up. Looking forward to the progress of your story.