Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Eleanor knew very little about the peerage of Valana. What she did know was that at the top was the king, then the three noble estates: January family, the Whithorpe family, and the Baswick family. The three noble estates, for all intents and purposes, were just as powerful as or even more powerful than the ruler himself and made up the core of power within the nation. Each household maintained legitimacy through the presence of its patron pillar demon- the ancient powers who created the world.
Beyond that, there was the secondary estates, to which Vincent now belonged as a member of the Council.
And then, of course, the merchant class – where Eleanor’s uncle Richard resided.
Just thinking about it all made her head hurt.
“Of course you’re ready! You are my son after all. You are the youngest man ever to be voted into the Council, and the first Gregory ever to hold an estate title.” Richard stood as well, placing a hand on his son’s shoulder.
“I am proud of you, Vincent.” He murmured. “And if that Duke sees half of what I see in you, he will be more than impressed.”
Eleanor felt herself smile at her uncle’s encouraging words. Getting to her feet, she wrapped her brother in her arms.
“You’ve made it this far.” She stated, pulling away and giving him a smile. Vincent returned it timidly at first, before releasing a low chuckle.
“You’re right as always, El.” He stated, ruffling her hair.
“Well father, you could have at least given me a little warning.”
Richard shrugged. “The Duke himself specifically asked me not to.”
“You’ve met him already?” Eleanor asked, surprised. She imagined her care free uncle facing whatever ancient grump this Duke was.
She wondered if her brother even had a chance with the man, after whatever damage her uncle had already caused. And, judging from the dumb founded look on her brother’s face, he was likely wondering the same thing.
“Of course! And let me tell you, Vincent, all your worries are for nothing. Duke January is…” Richard was interrupted by the door to the room opening to reveal Louis.
“Duke January.” He announced, and Eleanor exchanged a nervous glance with her brother.
Things were about to get interesting.
The aging butler stepped out of the way to reveal a young man no more than twenty with messy auburn hair.
“Excuse the interruption. I believe Mr. Gregory has explained the situation to you both?” He said with a smile.
Eleanor and Vincent both stared, dumbfounded.
This man… This boy, was the Duke?
“Indeed I did, Lord January.” Richard chuckled, and Eleanor made a note to herself to give him an earful when this was all over.
Lord January stepped into the library, letting the door fall shut behind him. His eyes fell on Eleanor first, and she could have sworn she saw a slight shift in his demeanor before he turned to Vincent.
“Judging from your expressions, you were not expecting the likes of me.” He asked, raising an eye brow. Vincent sputtered, attempting to regain his composure.
“I certainly wasn’t. I thought you would be some sort of boorish aristocrat.” Eleanor stated honestly. Her brother’s face turned bright red and he released a sound half way between a grunt and a cough. The Duke burst into laughter.
“I’ll take that as a compliment. I’ve always worried that I come off too boorish. You’ve put me at ease, Mrs. Eleanor.”
The room once again fell into silence, and Eleanor sent her brother a worried glance. He still seemed too shocked to speak.
“Well, why don’t we all take a seat? I have much I wish to discuss with the famed Baron of Wesfort and his family.” The Duke shot Eleanor another smile. She actually found herself smiling back. He was actually rather charming.
The three of them sat across from the Duke, who opted to move to the window and open a glass decanter of amber liquid.
“Anyone care for a drink of Brandy?” He asked.
“If you please.” Richard stated. Eleanor shook her head – she couldn’t even stand the smell of the stuff.
“Thank you.” Vincent managed. The Duke poured them each a cup before taking a seat.
“I suppose you’re wondering why I’ve taken an interest in you, Vincent.” He stated bluntly, blue eyes falling on the three of them leisurely. For the first time Eleanor felt that the person who sat across from her was a man of absolute and terrifying power.
“Yes.” Vincent stated. He seemed to have overcome his initial shock and settled into his usual calm persona.
“I hear you have a companionship with the crown prince, is that correct?”
“Yes.” Vincent said again. The Duke leaned forward, a smile forming on his lips.
“Then tell me, do you believe that a friend of a friend is in turn your own companion?”
Understanding dawned in Vincent’s eyes, and he broke into a wide smile.
“So your lordship is the confidant his highness always speaks so highly off!”
“And you are the school friend Prince Gabriel keeps bragging about! You are all he could talk about after I returned from abroad!” The pair stood and clasped hands, the tense mood immediately evaporating.
“I’m so glad I am finally able to meet you!” Vincent laughed.
“You can thank the Prince for all this. You know how he loves his games.” The Duke responded.
“From now on there are to be no formalities between us.” He turned to Eleanor and her Uncle, a wide smile on his lips. “That goes for your family as well. From now one you may call me simply Cedric.”
“That goes for us as well. Father, Eleanor, if that’s alright with you.” Vincent asked. Eleanor beamed, happy to see her brother’s lightened mood.
“Of course!” They said in unison.
“Then we will leave the two of you to get to know one another.” Richard said, pushing to his feet.
“Thank you. And feel free to do whatever you wish. My home is your home.” Cedric turned to Eleanor, giving a small bow.
“It was a pleasure meeting you, Mrs. Eleanor.” He stated.
“I thought we weren’t using formalities.” Eleanor replied.
“Yes, but it sounds much more charming when I say it like that, doesn’t it?” He winked, earning a smile.
“That doubles for you as well, Mr. Gregory!” Cedric said to Eleanor’s Uncle, who was already half way out the door.
“Save the smooth talk for my niece, Cedric. You won’t be wooing an old man like me anytime soon. Come along, Eleanor.”
Heading towards the door, Eleanor gave a final Glance back at her brother and Cedric, who were already settling back into their seats. She caught the Duke’s gaze and he smiled, giving her a small wave just as she shut the door.
This was going to be an even more interesting week than Eleanor could have ever imagined.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Arcana;Chapter 3Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,408 Literary Works • 672,555 Reviews
Hello.
I'm back!
On top of the dialogue punctuation I mentioned in my last review, there's another issue: how you organize actions. For example:
Would be slightly better organized like this:
Outside of the grammar (you have a few spelling errors here and there, such as "eye brow" instead of "eyebrow". If you want a more thorough grammar review, just ask), the big thing here is the characters and their resulting dialogue.
Characters all speak differently, in ways that reflect their upbringing, emotional states, and motive for speaking. Right now, everyone's speaking in about the same tones, using similar syntaxes, and don't really sound any different.
When you have characters speak, you need to ask how they're speaking. Are they nervous, bold, arrogant? How about their body language? A fair chunk of what meaning is conveyed comes through body language, and right now you have very little. As a result, it's hard to figure out who these people are. Unless you give us something more about how they react, you're not going to really get a sense of individual characters in a scene. Right now it's just talking heads with dialogue tags.
Try to change out your "said tags" with body language tags. Have characters move, shift, show emotions in their physical states. I've found that's often a more effective way of having readers see how things are said, and it situates the characters in the scene.
I would also focus more on the emotional states within the story. Right now, things are happening, and I know that in the political backgrounds there are stakes. This all has a purpose. You're not really showing us that purpose and simply having the characters interact. Sadly, it's not enough. And since this is so political, I would suggest checking out this article on the topic.
Overall, I still like where you're going with this. You got my attention really strongly with the concept of patron pillar demons, but then you lost my attention with how the interactions seem to simply be talking for the sake of talking without stakes or motive. I'm going to suggest these two articles on dialogue to help you out.
You've got hints of really awesome worldbuilding and an in depth plot, but it's just not developed enough for me to really find this gripping. Work on building a connection between reader and characters then you'll have me hooked.
Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
Hey there!
Your worked proved a delightful read, and hence I decided to give it a review!
Your writing style is very smooth, and you obviously have a command of where your plot is going!
You effortlessly gave quite a bit of information on the 'peerage' as you called it of your universe, without overdoing it, and the dosage of detail was balanced with the humorous depiction of how the protagonist herself was confused by it!
The whole interchanging of the 'uncle' and 'father' got a bit confusing for me due to the following:
Perhaps you must have meant 'nephew' here, since Vincent comes off as Eleanor's brother, rather than cousin?
ALL of your characters come off as memorable here, especially of course the Duke of January himself, who being such an outrageously young man, yet understandably yet of great power, is marvellously done. The uncle Richard and 'Father' dialogues are still a bit confounding, but perhaps I myself am a bad reader! :p
Vincent must have had character development done earlier too, since I didn't see any specific distinct traits of him being outlined here, yet you still gave enough substance to him to be relatable to the plot's flow. :3
Wrapping up, a pleasant read indeed, and will surely if I find time read and review your other works too, and would love to see where the story goes!