z

Young Writers Society


16+

Arcana;Chapter 4

by FadingBrighter


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

During their meal Richard, Vincent, and Cedric spent most of their time discussing the arrival of the other guests tomorrow, which apparently included the Crown Prince and his new bride, the princess of Bergon which was to the north.

Eleanor listened on in silence, not interested enough to join in on the conversation, but figuring it would probably be beneficial to know who she would be meeting the next day.

Mainly, however, she found her mind wandering to what she did know about Prince Gabriel. Her brother often spoke highly of him. He was a man of regal bearing and demeanor, but of a gentle heart.

Or, at least that’s what Vincent said.

The son of the current King Francis, Gabriel was fo inherit the kingdom in a time of unrivaled peace and prosperity – a state which Vincent was certain would continue through his friend’s reign.

“He cares about the people. Really cares, El. I just know things will only get better with him as our leader.” Vincent had said. Eleanor was excited to meet the person her brother spoke so fondly of.

And then there was the Crown Princess, Daphne. What Eleanor knew about her came only from rumors. She was supposed to be incredibly beautiful, but theirs was a marriage of convenience born from a desire to unite the small nation of Bergon with the larger and more economically stable.

Some thought this was in preparation of war. Though small, Bergon was located in the Gregor Alps – and was therefore rich with iron ore.

But that was only speculation.

“…what do you think, Eleanor?”

The sound of her name brought her back from her thoughts.

“Hmm? Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.” Eleanor yawned.

“El…” her brother sighed, shaking his head.

“She’s had a long day. It’s understandable that she’d be tired.” Cedric chuckeled. “Anna.” He called, and one of the serving maids stepped forward. “Please take Mrs. Eleanor to her room.” The maid bowed and Eleanor stood, rubbing her eyes.

“Excuse me.” Vincent said, before following her into the hallway.

“Are you alright El?” He asked, giving her a worried look.

“I’m fine.” She responded, brushing off her brother’s worries. “Just tired, like Cedric said.”

Vincent didn’t appear to believe her.

“Hold still.” He said, lifting his wrist to her forehead.

“Just as I thought. You have a minor fever.” He pulled away, shaking his head.

“It’s not because I fell asleep outside.” Eleanor stated.

“No. It’s because of stress.” Vincent observed, releasing a long sigh. “El, I…”

Eleanor held up her hand.

“Vincent. Don’t even try to take all the blame on yourself. If anyone should be apologizing, it’s me for having made you worry.” She smiled reassuringly at her brother. “I’m fine. I just need some sleep. So don’t look so distressed. If Cedric sees you like this, your reputation really will be ruined.” Leaning forward, she gave him a quick peck on the cheek.

“And anyway, you know how much I hate listening to political talk. Now I have an excuse to avoid it!” she joked. Vincent finally lightened up, giving a small smile.

“Yeah, yeah. Go on. Enjoy it while you can, there will be three times as much boring political talk tomorrow when everyone else arrives.” He said.

“Maybe if I pretend to be sick tomorrow I can avoid that as well!” Eleanor called over her shoulder, earning a low chuckle.

“Don’t even try it El. Sleep well.” And with that Vincent walked back to the dining room leaving Eleanor to follow the maid through the maze like mansion until she finally arrived at her room.

“Do you need anything else, Mrs.?” The maid asked.

“No, thank you.” Eleanor stated, and the maid bowed and shut the door.

Eleanor was too tired to even bother admiring the beauty of the room. Slipping out of her dress and loosening her corset, she collapsed into the bed and immediately was overtaken by the sweet darkness of sleep.

Fear squirmed its way up through her chest, writhing painfully as it holed itself away in her throat – making it hard to breathe.

She was running. Running through darkness, her only guide the warm and clammy hand holding her own and dragging her on and on and on.

She could barely move her feet.

She could barely move at all.

She wanted to stop and fall to the ground and cry.

But she didn’t.

Instead she swallowed the tears and the fear and confusion and let herself be pulled even further into the shadows.

Eleanor sat up with a start, her heart pounding in her ears. For a moment she was frozen in terror, glancing wildly about her in the unfamiliar darkness.

But after a moment, the events of the day came rushing back, and she felt herself calm just a little.

It has been awhile since she’s last had a nightmare.

When her Uncle first took her in, she’d had them every time she’d closed her eyes. Every time she was alone in the dark.

The night terrors back then were far worse than the few she experienced now. As a child she’d wake screaming and thrashing. She wouldn’t allow anyone to touch her, and she wouldn’t calm until morning. Back then everyone wondered why her Uncle put up with her. She wasn’t his child, after all. He’d taken her in of the streets- adopted her into his home out of kindness, not necessity.

Not even Eleanor knew why her Uncle had taken care of her at that time, rather than sending her away to an asylum.

And after a few months the terrors became less frequent.

After a few years they came to a stop altogether.

Eleanor, who had been unable to speak upon her arrival at the Gregory household became undiscernible from any other ten year old. She laughed and cried and played.

She was happy.

Still, when the nightmares did come back, Eleanor had a hard time calming herself back down. When she was younger and shared a room with Vincent she would wake her brother and he’d let her climb into his bed. He’d turn on a lamp and pull out one of his books and read until Eleanor fell asleep.

But now, alone, she had to find other ways to occupy her mind.

Getting out of bed, Eleanor lazily got dressed and grabbed the gas lamp from the bedside table before heading out into the empty corridors of the mansion. She was grateful to see the lightening of the horizon, signaling the coming of dawn. Within the next hour or two the household would be abuzz in preparation for the arrival of the other guests

Until then, however, Eleanor decided to spend her time reading in the library. She was relatively sure she’d be able to find her way despite the lack of light.

If Eleanor had one talent, it was that no matter ow lost se was, she would always manage to find her way to her destination somehow.

After a couple wrong turns Eleanor finally arrived at the familiar doorway, and upon opening it found the room already occupied by the telltale light of a lamp.

“Hello?” she whispered into the silence. Who else could possibly be awake at this hour?

Stepping into the room and closing the door softly behind her, Eleanor made her way towards the flickering lamp, wondering if someone had accidentally left it on.

“Eleanor?” A voice questioned from behind her, making her jump.

“Could you have at least tried to not sneak up on me like that?” she demanded, gritting her teeth. She had come here to calm down, not terrify herself even more. Cedric smiled apologetically, moving out from between a pair of bookcases.

“Consider it repayment for when you first came in here. I thought I was going to jump out of my skin. I’m not exactly used to others moving around this early in the morning.” He chuckled, moving to the table and taking a seat.

“Yes, well, I didn’t exactly expect anyone else to be awake either.” Eleanor responded, pulling out the chair across from him. “So what has you up and wandering so early?” she asked, feeling slightly award.

“Couldn’t sleep. You?”

“Same.” She responded. They sat in silence for a moment, before Cedric stood, heading towards the row of bookcases. He returned moments later, setting a hefty tomb in front of Eleanor before returning to his seat. The title across the front read: Plants and Herbs of the North.

“I got this while I was in Bergon.” He said, nervously rubbing the back of his neck. “The Crown Prince mentioned that Vincent liked plants and things so I thought I could use it as a sort of peace offering. I didn’t realize his interest was born from his sister.” He chuckled nervously. Eleanor opened the book, skimming the pages, a smile forming on her lips.

“You’re wrong. It was actually Vincent who inspired me.” She said, closing the book. “You know, he wasn’t always into politics. When we were little, whenever we went outdoors he would point out all the different plants to me and tell me their medicinal name and purpose.” Eleanor shook her head, unable to hold back a smile at the memory. “I used to fall asleep to him reading books on medicinal plants. But being an apothecary doesn’t exactly pay well, and Vincent wanted to make something of himself, something my Uncle would be proud of. And he did.”

“So the reason why you want to become an apothecary is to fulfill your brother’s dream?” Cedric asked. Eleanor shrugged.

“I guess that’s part of it. But don’t get me wrong. I’m not so selfless that I’d devote my life to something I have no personal interest in. I want to help others, and becoming an apothecary is something even a woman can do.” She smiled. “The fact that I can make my brother proud is just an added bonus.”

Cedric nodded, placing his chin in his hand.

“I’m almost jealous.” He spoke, lips turning upward. “Whichever one of you I talk to, you both care about each other very deeply. I’m an only child, so I’ve never had the benefits of such a relationship.”

“I guess having siblings does have its benefits. But have you seen the two of us together? All we can do is argue!” Eleanor shook her head. Vincent brought out the best in her, as well as the worst.

“And even when you’re arguing, you still seem to be having fun.” Cedric responded, leaning back in his seat and running his fingers through his honey colored hair. “Just listening to you both makes me tired.”

“Try being the one doing the arguing.”

The sun had begun to rise, and pale orange light filtered in through the windows, brightening the darkening room and signaling the beginning of what Eleanor was certain to be a very long day. Cedric yawned, pushing to his feet.

“Well, I’m afraid I must depart. My morning duties call. Would you like me to have one of the servants prepare you some coffee?” Cedric asked, cocking his head.

“Please.” Eleanor could use the caffeine. Today was bound to require more than the usual amount of energy.

“Alright then. And go ahead and keep the book. It was meant for your brother after all. I’m certain that if I gave it to him personally, he’d probably just pass it along to you anyway.”

“You’re probably right about that.” Cedric had grown to understand the inner workings of her family quite well in such a short period of time.

“Well then, I’ll bid you farewell. I’ll probably miss breakfast, so apologize to your Uncle and brother for me, will you?” Cedric asked, backing towards the door.

“Consider it done.” Eleanor smiled. Cedric nodded in thanks then disappeared into the hallway, leaving Eleanor to her reading.


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Sun Feb 28, 2016 12:52 am
HolographicLadybug wrote a review...



:D :D :D :D Happy Review Day! This is a Team #104E8B review! :D :D :D :D

Greetings! I noticed this in the Green Room, so I'm here to take it out. I haven't read any of the previous chapters, so if I make any dumb mistakes, feel free to ignore them. :)

~Nit-Picks~

Gabriel was fo inherit the kingdom in a time of unrivaled peace and

I think that you mean "to" instead of "fo".

Cedric chuckeled.

chuckeled=chuckled

“Do you need anything else, Mrs.?”

There shouldn't be a period after "Mrs." because the question mark comes right after it.

that no matter ow lost se was, she would

I think you mean "how lost she was".

~Other Bits~
One of the problems hat I saw with this is how you would tell and not show. I respect that "show and don't tell" is always being smashed into our brains as writers, but it can be a difficult thing to master. Even I'm still trying to work on it. The spot at the beginning of the chapter where Eleanor is thinking about politics and such is where I found it happening the most. It's not the most interesting part of the chapter, but that could be just because I haven't read the others yet and don't have the clearest sense of what's going on, and I find that it can really be improved. Maybe you could have your character thinking it via thought italics or maybe she could be having a discussion with some of the other characters about it. Of course, this could be a bit hard to do or what I'm suggesting is impossible, all caused by the fact that I haven't read the others yet. But despite that, I recommend thinking about what you could maybe do to fix that.
Another part where I found this problem is where you're explaining Eleanor's night terrors. I see that she has a conversation with another character where she kind of mentions that so maybe you could include some bits and pieces of it into that scene. Yet again, just a suggestion. :)

The final thing I want to bring up in this section is how fast the part where she goes from her room to the library is. You hardly take a breather before she is there already. At the start of the chapter, things were going at a nice pace, but then when your character is switching places or you're transitioning from different plot points in your chapter, you go very fast. What I recommend for you (oh wow, I sound like a doctor!) is to give us some description of the building (are you in a palace?) or the library. It can really add an interesting boost to your writing as well.

~Good Bits~
It appears as if you know your story well, judging by how easily you mentioned the politics stuff and things about Eleanor. It can be quite an advantage if you use it during interesting scenes. Nothing will seem awkward and it will have a natural flow to it that you retain for the entire chapter.

Overall, I was quite impressed with this, if not interested. You seem to have a pretty interesting story going on that readers will surely enjoy. By the impression I got, I can see no character flaws here or logic flaws, so you're god in that area for this chapter. :)

That's it from me. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask. I'll be happy to answer them.
Stay awesome!
~ Holographic Ladybug :D






What puzzles me (although I kind of saw this coming) is how you managed to get three reviews at once. Huh.



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Sun Feb 28, 2016 12:43 am
Vervain wrote a review...



Hello! I'm going to preface this with a warning that I haven't read your first three chapters, so please pardon if any of the questions I ask have been answered earlier in the work! I'll try to focus my critique mainly on technique and style.

During their meal Richard, Vincent, and Cedric spent most of their time discussing the arrival of the other guests tomorrow, which apparently included the Crown Prince and his new bride, the princess of Bergon which was to the north.
Yes, my very first point comes with the first sentence. This sentence is rather long and unwieldy, and it could be split into multiple parts to make it easier to read! Just one example of how you could split it:
During their meal, Richard, Vincent, and Cedric spent most of their time discussing the arrival of the other guests tomorrow. Apparently, that included the Crown Prince and his new bride—the princess of Bergon to the north.


As well, I had a hard time reading Eleanor's narration because it's spaced out so much. Maybe try to combine a few of her paragraphs to make it easier to read? Obviously, you don't want a fifteen-line paragraph, but you don't want nothing but two-line paragraphs, either.

The son of the current King Francis, Gabriel was to inherit the kingdom in a time of unrivaled peace and prosperity – a state which Vincent was certain would continue through his friend’s reign.
This could probably be portrayed through dialogue instead. Rather than dumping this information on the reader's head, have it come to us through Vincent himself—like you did shortly after this—and show us Vincent's rosy outlook and faith in the Crown Prince.

“Anna.” He called, and one of the serving maids stepped forward.
In this case, you need a comma after "Anna" and the H in "He" needs to be lowercase—this is standard dialogue tag punctuation. See this article for more!

Vincent didn’t appear to believe her.
“Hold still.” He said, lifting his wrist to her forehead.
“Just as I thought. You have a minor fever.” He pulled away, shaking his head.
These lines should be condensed into their own paragraph. I've noticed this throughout this chapter, but you have a tendency to split up paragraphs that should be one, just because a new line of dialogue starts—remember, you only need a new line of dialogue if there's a new speaker!

So let's say we have Vincent talking, and then Eleanor—in that case, you would have two paragraphs. But when it's all Vincent's actions and Vincent's words, it should just be one.

Aside from the grammatical issues I've already pointed out, I'd like to say that I don't get a very strong sense of emotion from this chapter. Some of it might be because of the grammar issues I pointed out, while some of it is definitely its own beast. Show the reader how tired Eleanor is; show the reader how scared she is in that nightmare. Simply repeating the word "fear" doesn't make something scary, after all.

I've given you quite a bit to chew on, so I believe I'll end my review here. Never forget: Keep writing!




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Sun Feb 28, 2016 12:31 am
ehobby1465 wrote a review...



Hello! I'm Emily and I'll be reviewing your chapter today. Just a disclaimer, I haven't read any of the previous chapters so I'll just be basing my review on your writing, rather than your characterization and plot. With that out of the way, let's get down to business!

"Eleanor listened on in silence,"
I don't think this is technically wrong, but I had to reread it like four times before I understood what you were trying to say. Rewording could make it easier on the reader, but it's up to you.

"He was a man of regal bearing and demeanor, but of a gentle heart."
This is a textbook example of showing instead of telling. Have the narrator tell us of the Prince's good deeds and heroics, it will get your point across much more effectively and convince the reader he is regal and gentle.

" For a moment she was frozen in terror, glancing wildly about her in the unfamiliar darkness."
If she is frozen, how can she be glancing? Unless she is just moving her eyes, but that seems a bit less believable.

"Eleanor had a hard time calming herself back down."
You don't need the word back here.

"it was that no matter ow lost se was,"
Just a couple typing errors here.

My one major critique would be your paragraphs. You have a lot of one sentence paragraphs, which definitely breaks up the flow of your writing. Overall it was a good, easy read. The dialogue felt natural. I hope it helped. Keep writing!




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Mon Feb 22, 2016 4:04 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm back for another review!

This part was also well-written and engaging. While not a lot of "exciting" things happen, it was still engaging and interesting instead of feeling like filler, so congratulations on that.

You do still have a few minor typos - things like "has" instead of "had," "award" instead of "awkward," and other small errors.

You also still have the same errors with dialogue punctuation that I pointed out previously - with the periods and capitalization - so watch out for that.

The transition to the dream/nightmare worked better in this chapter and felt smoother. I also thought you did a pretty good job of giving the exposition about how long she's been having the night terrors and how her uncle took her in.

Something I was confused about - where is Vincent in this? Did her uncle take him in too, but he didn't have the night terrors for whatever reason? You might want to specify what part he had to play in this. I also didn't quiet understand why people would have thought Eleanor's uncle should have sent her to the asylum instead of taking care of here. Maybe put a little more emphasis on how unmanageable and unconsolable she was during that time.

Overall, your dialogue was still good, but there were a couple of spots in the conversation between Eleanor and Cedric that felt a little forced - particularly when she's talking about being an apothecary.

And that's all I've got for you! If you have any questions, just ask!





#longlivebigbrother
— alliyah