Arcana; Chapter 1

by FadingBrighter

Published December 14, 2015

16+

In Novels

Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

The carriage pulled to a stop, signaling the end of a long journey. Truthfully, Eleanor could hardly wait to leave the small square box she’d been trapped in for the last six hours. Her elder brother, Vincent, may be her favorite person in the world, but that didn’t mean he was a particularly magnificent conversational partner.

“Victor, why did Uncle Richard ask us to get here so early?” The young woman asked as the coachman made his way around to the door. Vincent looked up from the book he’d been reading, a warm smile reserved only for her gracing his lips.

“Well, actually…” The door to the carriage opened, sunlight pouring in and making Eleanor blink.

“My lord, we have arrived at the January estate.” The coachman said, bowing. Eleanor didn’t wait to hear the rest of her brother’s reply. Sunlight and fresh air were calling.

Stepping out onto the cobblestone road, Eleanor gazed up at the towering mansion and the green lawns that surrounded it. Massive. Beautiful. It was truly beyond description. Three stories tall, it seemed as if the pronged rafters were reaching upward in order to embrace the sky like enraptured lovers. The face of the building was lined with windows, each winking playfully in the golden afternoon sunlight.

And beyond the building itself the grounds expanded endlessly- all green and fertile despite the looming threat of autumn.

“Vincent, it’s amazing! I can’t believe we’ve been invited to stay here!” Eleanor gasped in awe, unable to take it all in. Her brother smiled, ruffeling her hair.

“You’re too cute, El.” He joked. After graduating as the Valedictorian for his class from university, Vincent had spent a year at the palace as a scholar in hopes of later becoming a politician and joining the ranks of the Crown Prince’s confidants.

In other words, he was already well learned in the expensive tastes of the upper class, unlike his sister.

“Greetings. My name is Louis, and I am head butler to the January family. Your Uncle requested that I bring you to the library upon your arrival.” An older man with greying black hair stated, giving the pair a bow.

“Very well, lead the way.” Vincent stated bluntly, before sending his sister a playful smirk. Eleanor returned with a glare.

“Please follow me Lord Vincent, Mrs. Eleanor.” The three then made their way across the grounds, walking up to the mansion.

Eleanor couldn’t help but pause upon stepping inside. The interior of the building was even more beautiful than the outside. Two grand staircases greeted them in the front hall, twisting up to the second floor. A large chandelier hung from the ceiling, crystals glimmering in the blocks of light that came in through the windows. The ceiling was vaulted, four stained glass windows casting streams of pink and blue throughout the room.

“El, are come on. It’s rude to make Father wait.” Vincent said from the bottom of the left stairway.

“Sorry.” Eleanor blushed, hurrying over to her brother. She would have to get used to this sort of thing. She would be staying here for the next week after all, and during that time she couldn’t stop to ogle each and every room she encountered.

Still, it would be a shame to miss out on anything. Even with her brother becoming a member of the Council it was unlikely Eleanor would be visiting places this grand very often.

She wondered if she could get away with exploring a bit before the other guests arrived.

The butler led them up the stairs and down one of many hallways, ending at a room filled with floor to ceiling bookcases. And at the far wall, leaning against one of the windows, was Eleanor’s uncle, Richard.

“Presenting Lord Vincent and Mrs. Eleanor.” The butler announced. Richard turned, blue eyes flashing, a mischievous smile forming on his lips. Eleanor recognized those eyes, they were the signature of the Gregory family- bright blue eyes that had a distinctive impish flare. Her Uncle had them, as well as her brother Vincent. Eleanor, on the other hand, did not possess such a lovely color. Her eyes were not blue, but brown, a rather bland color if you asked her. It was a constant reminder of her status – that she was different than her brother and her uncle.

That she wasn’t actually a member of the Gregory household.

“It’s a pleasure to see you again, Father.” Vincent said. Uncle Richard didn’t reply, carefully setting his book down on a nearby table.

“Vincent, my boy, you have no need to use formalities here. I’m proud of your new title, but we’re all still family after all.” Richard turned to the butler “Louis, thank you. You are dismissed.”

“Father, I…” Vincent began, but was cut off by his father’s booming voice.

“And if it isn’t Eleanor, my favorite niece! Every time I see you, you grow more and more lovely.” Eleanor’s cheeks burned, and Richard began to laugh. He placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

“Still as sweet as always.” He stated, making Eleanor smile. Her uncle had a way of wiping away all of her worries. Even when she was a little girl too frightened to even speak, he had cared for her and nurtured her. Even when everyone else thought she was hopeless he had never given up.

If it wasn’t for him and Vincent, Eleanor wouldn’t be the woman she was today.

Vincent cleared his throat. He’d was always the serious one, even when they were children. Where his father was outgoing and boisterous, Vincent had an heir of regality and poise. The only time he was actually playful was towards his little sister.

When Eleanor had first come to the Gregory house, Vincent had been the one to care for her, sitting beside her after nightmares and patiently waiting for her to speak. Her fondest memories were of listening to her brother as he studied texts far beyond her comprehension at the time. He’d always read aloud, and for a time Eleanor could only fall asleep when she was listening to his voice.

Without Vincent, Eleanor had no idea what would have happened to her. Perhaps it would have only taken her longer to forget that time- when her parents were taken from her as a child. Or maybe she would have never adjusted to her new life. Whatever the case, the siblings’ bond was a deep one.

“I believe there was an important reason behind out early arrival.” Vincent stated, taking a seat on one of the couches. Eleanor moved to stand behind him, not sure if she would be able to sit still after so many hours in a carriage. Richard’s smile grew, and he nodded.

“Yes. Our host requested to meet you both. He’s expressed great interest in you, specifically, Vincent, as the new Baron of Wesfort.”

“But that means…” Victor started, eyes wide. He stood, nervously running his fingers through his light brown hair. “Meeting the Duke. I’m not, I’m not ready!”

“You’ve already met the Crown Prince, Vincent.” She reminded him. The pair were in fact close friends – having met at university.

“That’s different, El. Trust me, if you knew Gabriel, you would understand. But Duke January is one of the most influential men in the country. If he likes you, you are set for life. But if he doesn’t…” Vincent trailed, meeting Eleanor’s gaze. “Trust me. He’s more terrifying than the King himself.”

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Rosendorn
Review
Rosendorn wrote a review Review · Feb 16, 2016

Hello.

Technical things first: dialogue punctuation. You don't use commas where you should. This article goes into detail about it. If you still want help with it once you've read, let me know and I'll point out specific points.

Your opening paragraph is good except for the first sentence. You could very easily cut it (along with "truthfully") and not lose a thing, because you've established that it's a long journey with "six hours" and the rest of the scene dictates they've stopped. Then it would have a much stronger voice.

About midway through I felt this was dragging. While it's interesting enough and you're establishing the setting slowly, which is very good, it's lacking a certain amount of conflict. You don't have to introduce the main conflict right at the start, but just some notes of tension— or even continuing that lovely emotional voice with a touch of snark— would make this more gripping. All it would really take is a hint of why they were called that she imagined.

The word "valedictorian" threw me, because that is such a modern concept and very rooted in select cultures (namely America, Canada, Costa Rica, and the Philippines). It's also relatively modern, only having its first known use 1759. As a result, it felt like I was reading a story set in modern day when your descriptions don't reflect that.

It might sound little, but word choice can make or break your worldbuilding. Right now, I feel like it's breaking suspension of disbelief, because suddenly I'm thinking these characters are modern day rich kids who just graduated high school (I've never really heard of valedictorians in college or university, but I could be mistaken) because of the baggage associated with that word.

Your descriptions in general also feel like this drags, because they're not really doing more than describing. If you used the description to reflect mood, then you would be able to add tension by reflecting the emotional states. You can fit in paragraphs of description, even in the beginning, but you have to create a mood with it. I particularly love Game of Thrones' descriptions in early chapters because the descriptions show character (how out of place some people are in the group) and show how creepy some settings are. This article can help with that.

Overall, I like the direction this is going in! However, I'd like it even more if there was tension and a sense of something wrong at the beginning. Right now, this only picks up in the last third, by which point in time my attention is half lost. Rework or cut some descriptions so the pace is a little faster and introduce a hook much earlier on to get this shining.

Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey

User avatar
lonewolf22
Review
lonewolf22 wrote a review Review · Dec 16, 2015

This was written very well. The writing style is interesting and the words flow together well. The language used also seems to match the setting. The language is also understandable and easier to read while still matching the setting, making it enjoyable. The use of adjectives and describing the place is very well done. The plot is unknown, yet the style of the writing and use of good description leads one to wish to read more of the novel. This is a very well written chapter, which is good because the first chapters can be what keeps a reader hooked or turns them away.



You, who have all the passion for life that I have not? You, who can love and hate with a violence impossible to me? Why you are as elemental as fire and wind and wild things...
— Gone With the Wind