z

Young Writers Society


12+

Raging Storm

by EverLight


Night came across the skies of planet Eros turning them blood red. Screams of grief, terror and fear shattered the silence of the night. This blended with the sound of agonized furious yowls of fighting cats. The smell of blood mixed with the night air-the scent of death. In the extremities of all the chaos in a meadow of grass sat lonely hut. Inside the plain bedroom located within it ,huddled in bed lay two cats. One tan the other black and red. Suddenly the cream colored cat sat straight up alarm making her heart pounding as her eyes widened fearfully.

''Wake up!'' She almost yowled to the other cat in panic. ''Our daughter is coming!!!''

The cat she had spoken jumped up in the air banging his head against the roof.

''What!!'' He yowled ''This is a terrible time! you know whose going to come and take her should they discover her don't you?''

''Yes the Voltrons defenders of Gods will yes I know!!!''

''Where are we going to go before they come and take her?''

''Oh I don’t know!'' He hissed alarm chilling his fur. Where could he go? there was only thing he could do. Say the prayer that had been passed down from generations of cats on Eros. ''Lord of heaven earth light and dark though you are pure holy light your loving . . .''

''What are you doing saying that prayer we need immediate action!''

''This is immediate action! God promises us over and over again that he is with us and that our prayers are heard! have you lost your faith?''

''No! but know is not the time to talk to God!''

''There is no better time than when it is dark to speak to him know please let me finish-your Lord of heaven earth light and dark though you are the purest holiest of lights your loving kindness make us whole and is our only salvation. We can trust you even in the dark and right know we can't see the light, grant us your wisdom and counsel for ages to come. Give us sight where our eyes cannot see, give us light where there is dark give us peace where there is fear. Give us guidance where we have fallen in your mighty powerful name, may you reign forever oh mighty king amen''

''Okay great feel anything yet?''

''The war hole!''

Hurriedly they across the blood filled ground to the large deep war hole. Inside it looked cavernous dark and damp. Quickly he made a nest out of the supply of twigs and moss he had. Marvella collapsed onto it. She dug her claws into the grass and lat out a soft scream as the contractions seized her sides, like claws and in a few minutes their daughter entered the world. Purrs of happiness rose in their throats as Marvello danced for joy At last a daughter of his own! and Marvella licked her lovingly.

''Areathina'' Marvella meowed ''that’s what we'll call her'' ''If you don't mind Marvello I'll stay here it will be safer'' ''Well . . .Okay but I . . ''

''Marvello you needn't worry I'll be fine''

Marvello sighed and paw by paw clawed his way up the steep slope. And on to the top of the earth swift as an eagle ran over to his house.


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User avatar
351 Reviews


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Reviews: 351

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Tue Apr 03, 2018 7:12 pm
Kanome wrote a review...



Hello, Katnes. I am here to provide you a review. Let’s get started, shall we?

I saw in your author’s note that you mentioned that there will be grammar issues, so I am going to assume that this a draft for now and I will focus on the plot itself. Moving on!

I. PLOT
So what I’ve just read, this seems to be about a planet full of cats ( I love cats. Lel. ) and they are in a war. There also seems to be a newborn in here that is probably very important in the story. I do not know yet, maybe you are able to explain that to me.

II. NITPICKS & STUFF
The only real issue I had about the story is that you mentioned the characters’ names at the end of the chapter. The dialogue throughout the whole chapter would confuse the reader if you don’t mention their names in the beginning, or I guess within the dialogue itself.

As for everything else, it’s just grammar errors, but like I said, I won’t get into that. I am pretty sure you’ll end up editing this story, am I right?

III. OVERALL
Overall, I love it. I never read anything about a cat haven’t it’s own planet before so it’d be cool to read something new. Just make sure you introduce your characters either in the beginning of the story or within the dialogue. Since this is a draft, it’s not bad, I know you’ll probably go back and edit then publish the final polish.
Keep up the great work. Keep writing and enjoy the rest of your day!

- Kanome




EverLight says...


Thank you! I am so glad you loved it. I love writing stuff like this. Yes Areathina is in fact the main character. Dramatic way of introducing her eh?



Kanome says...


Very. Lel.



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498 Reviews


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Reviews: 498

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Mon Apr 02, 2018 3:12 pm
Que wrote a review...



Hey Katnes! Q here to review your work today. :)

If you need to edit your work for grammar or anything, there should be a button labelled "Edit Work" on the far right side of the screen. That will allow you to change anything you need to!

Okay, so getting into this piece was a little bit disorienting at first. There aren't any names until the end, which makes the long dialogue section a little bit hard to read. You could include the names in there, or even just a dialogue tag indicating whether it's the male or female cat. Also, based on the last three or so paragraphs, it seems as if the parents are named Marvella and Marvello? That's sort of doubly confusing! If it's not very key to your plot, I would suggest changing them so it's a little bit clearer.

One other thing about the two cats:

One tan the other black and red. Suddenly the cream colored cat sat straight up

You mention tan and black and red, then suddenly cream. I think you're referring to the tan cat, but it may seem as if there are three cats for a moment! It wouldn't be too redundant if you used tan again -- and it might help with the clarification I mentioned in the last paragraph if you identified the cats by color occasionally throughout.

When Marvella first said "Our daughter is coming!", I assumed that she was coming from the outside, since you had just described all the chaos there. Maybe you could make it more clear that she was pregnant? It wasn't easy to tell that she was having a baby, especially because she somehow knew it would be a daughter.

I also wonder about the setting. There's chaos outside, lots of yowling and blood -- is it a war? I wish there was some more context to that, and hopefully if you write more you'll reveal some of the reasoning behind it. There's also the "war hole" -- why would the pregnant cat go there to have her baby? To protect her from those who might take her? You could slip a reason in there somewhere.

There's a big sense of urgency and some religious ideas. I really like the religious undertone, especially with the idea of cats and their being on another planet. That's a lot of cool stuff that I think you could really delve into! I'm interested to see what the gods are like or their religion, since it seems to be very important. Something to note is that as soon as the baby comes out, all of the tension and religious worrying disappears. Was that the only concern for the two cats? Isn't there still danger outside? Would the religious stuff only include the prayer for safety, or would there be some sort of rejoicing or praising the gods? Just questions to consider about that aspect of it. :)

If you're not planning on writing a second part or chapter, then I would recommend it. I feel like there's a lot more to this story! If you have any questions at all, feel free to let me know. Or tag me for the next part if you want to/if you're planning on writing more. :) Have a wonderful day!

-Q




EverLight says...


I suppose I should of mentioned that yes it is a war going on. I actually think it's cool that there wasn't anyother problems.
Thanks alot. Did you like the story? Oh and yes . . .this is a part of a long serial of stories like those that I will combine into a Saga.



EverLight says...


So there will be more.



Que says...


Yeah, I like it! It reminds me of the ancient days of long ago when I read the Warrior Cats books... haha.



EverLight says...


Excuse the term-OMG! you've read Warrior cats! That's my favorite series of all time!



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212 Reviews


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Sun Apr 01, 2018 7:10 pm
EverLight says...



Note: Please be nice (Not that you guys aren't) If I made a grammer error . . .Then I did. I still don't know how to cedit published drafts. This won't be boring that's for sure! Also if you didn't like the story . . .well mention it in kind words please.
Thanks





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