Young Writers Society

Hey Katnes! It's been awhile since I've reviewed anything (mostly since I've been writing like crazy for my novel and NaPo) but I decided it's about time I do some more reviews. I hope this review is helpful and if there is anything that you don't agree with please tell me and maybe we can discuss it or just forgive me and realize that it's been forever since I've reviewed. Anyway onto the review! I'm excited to read your first chapter!

Grammar and Syntax (let's get my least favorite part of the review out of the way, shall we?):

*things that are bolded are alterations made by me

Unseen by the humans, FrostWing watched as the people in charge of the community, caught, trapped (trapped and captured are synonyms) and captured all the IceCats using all kinds of cruel and harmful methods (instead of saying this why don't you tell us the methods they used? and sent them home, or be killed (Woah! Home or killed? Those are some drastically polar extremes!). He watched in agony as slowly one by one his kind almost all but disappeared from earth (This is a weird sentence so I'm just going to put it in my own words: He watched in agony as his kind slowly disappeared from the earth, leaving only one.). And he realized that He was the last IceCat. . .I'm the only survivor . . .I'm the last Ice Cat left on earth. I'm afraid my kind is doomed . . . our proud heritage will become all but diluted until . . . who knows what my kind will become . . . (Since this is a prologue I think this dialogue is really unnecessary. We don't need to know his thoughts since the narrator has already told us) Everything was dark as night even so and it was there FrostWing said one silent prayer into the darkness:

''Father God, lord of all things seen and unseen, known and unknown... Please, forgive us for fighting against each other, as serious as the matter is. Give us a secant second chance on your ordained planet. Save our souls. save us on earth. End this war! Bless all creation, but don't forget your first creation―that's us. Don't forget us, mighty one. Return us to our rightful home-even if it is too late. Let the mystery behind the war be solved, God giver of life and death. In your powerful name I pray, Amen (or, because this is a fantasy world you can create a different ending to prayers that's not 'amen'.).''

Lazuli balanced across the wooden fence, tail lazily up in the air as he settled before settling down on a nice wide area on the fence. He groomed himself, purring after a good night with the Dark Gang.

He managed to leave live a double life: one as a family cat with his wife, Lapis and their kittens; the other as a gang alley cat. Today he had decided to arrive at the gangs hideout later than usual, and spend the extra time well...napping.

He lay down once he finished with his grooming and curled up into a tight ball, breathing deeply and lightly began to dozed off. Smiling contently to himself, as the suns warmth warmed his fur.

A few scants seconds later, sharp pricks pierced his tail and he opened his eyes with a sigh. ''Jewel, get off my tail please,'' He growled irritably. ''My tail is not a mouse.'' Suddenly, as he laid back down he felt tiny paws crawl all over him. ''Chrystal, Diamond, Sapphire, I'm not a bridge so could you, please, get off of me?'' he hissed, lashing his tail annoyed (No need to tell us what emotion he is feeling when you've described it). He wanted to sleep. (This is also fairly obvious.)

''Ah, come on! You always let us crawl all over you and mess with your tail!'' His the kittens compalined complained.

He groaned. [b]Just when he was hoping for a nap! ''Look here, kittens'' he meowed, firmly. ''I am not in to the mood for such playing right now. I'd like to take a nap, so you can go bother your mother, or go play quietly with each other?" just leave me alone He meowed calmly keeping moved his tail just out of reach.

He watched faintly amused as they walked off The kittens walk away, their ears bend down with disappointment. Some other time you little rascals, he thought, grinning to himself and curled up once again.

The sun had gone down quite a bit when he woke up and the light shone a brilliant gold. He strained his ears, Was that...pawsteps?

''Good evening Lazuli,'' a familiar voice chimed. Lazuli relaxed, realizing that it was only Lapis, his wife. He slowly got up, shook his fur, and affectionately touched his nose against hers.

''Evening,'' he purred back.

She sat down, her tail wrapped around her paws , like a cat who was preparing for the worst. and lowered her voice, ''We need to talk. Let's go for a walk.''

Lazuli agreed and they walked away from the house. As they walked, they enjoyed the glorious view of the forest and the meadow. It was gorgeous. The forest floor looked like it was on fire as the sunlight shone in between and through the leaves (I added "forest floor" since when sunlight is coming through leaves it hits the ground, but if you want the trees to look like they're on fire, maybe say that the leaves reflected the sunlight or something). The grass danced in the breeze, illumined illuminated by sunlight.

At last, they sat down by a glowing river. Lapis sat down daintily tail neatly wrapped wrapped her dainty tail around her paws.

''Chrystal told me you wouldn't let them play with you, what's up with that? Usually you are willing to let them pounce on your tail, or climb all over you. I know something's up this is the third time that this has happened. Are you going to some nightclub or gang? You aren't, are you?'' she looked at him questioningly meowed calmly as she watched the water flow by.

Lazuli scuffed the ground nervously, his tail twitching, as he thought about what to say. What can I say? She's too smart for me to just say no, besides, she's struck very close to the truth... ''How did you guess?'' He asked wearily. There was no use pretending he didn't go to wasn't a member of a gang.

''Well,'' Lapis meowed, twitching her ears, gazing out at the sunset falling over the mountains. ''I managed to follow your scent trail to the hideout of the infamous Dark Gang. Apparently, you've been their there every night by the way your acting.''

Lazuli turned his gaze away, looking down into the water. His ears drooping droppy. He licked his lips as the churning feeling of nervousness came over him. [i]She knows! There's only one thing to do now. ''All right, you win. You're," he sighed heavily, his tail lightly brushing the ground his nervousness increasing as he licked his lips anxiously. ''I-I-'' guilt swept over him like a wave of hot water, ''I should have told you.'' He crouched even lower, ears flattened, tail wrapped close to his body and stared at Lapis wearily.

She narrowed her eyes and her fur fluffed with anger. ''Why didn't you tell me you where a member of those fiendish cats?'' she snarled.

''Because I knew you would respond this way,'' he growled clenching his teeth, no longer feeling nervous. He gazed into the distance as anger threatened to overboil.

''That's no reason to keep your visits to those...those...horrible cats from me!'' Lapis growled yelled.

That was it! Lapis had absolutely no idea what Dark Gang was really like! How could she talk about them like that?

''A lot you know about You don't even know them!'' he spat, lashing his tail, as anger boiled churned inside his stomach.

''Well, I do know that gangs are wicked.'' Lapis commented snapped, an sarcastic edge to her voice.

''Wicked?'' Lazuli almost scoffed. ''If only you knew You have no idea what you are talking about!'' He spat scornfully.

''Knew what? That tThose cats are liars and thieves...like you?!'' Lapis scoffed, tail thrashing.

''I,'' Lazuli growled, menacingly, ''Am not a liar or a thieve. You should already know that already unless you can't see that.''

''I think you’re the blind one Do I even know you?'' Lapis hissed.

''Blind! You How dare you call me that in my face!'' he hissed furiously, claws scraping the ground. How dare she call me blind!

''I would and I will unless yYou are going to quit your gang membership now.'' Lapis' tone was deadly.

Lazuli leaped to the horizon and started prowling away from home. He'd go find his own life without Lapis. ''Goodbye, then'' he spat coldly, as he departed. ''I'll miss you, t Tell the kittens I loved them.''

He raced off into the night, leaving Lapis to wonder where she went wrong.

Was I too much of a control freak or what? Will he come back and if he does will he be changed different? She wondered, full of guilt.

Hey, Onii-Chan here!

Before I say anything, Your work was great, but it needs some improvement.

1. Grammar!
I’m sorry, but I’m more sensitive(?) to grammar in literature. Just keep in mind that good grammar leaves a professional feel to the work.

2. Better storyline!
The prelouge was great, but the actual chapter didn’t feel like that much was there.

Keep writing!