Young Writers Society

Hiya Katnes!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. I'm here to give you a review. Let's start!

So, first of all, I'm just gonna say that I had read this a long time ago but never reviewed it. When I did remember it when I followed you, I liked all your works, but didn't review it, because I wasn't feeling at my best. And I had to re-read them to review them, lol.

But anyways, can I say something?

Well...

Eh-ehem. Excuse me.

I love how you said everything in that first paragraph, and then you went into the story. Like that first paragraph, not the authors note. I love it so much! And then, it's about cats, which makes it even better, because I love cats! But horses come before them. Cats come second.

Okay, so now, I saw very tiny mistakes here. Their extremely small, but since I'm a nit-picky person, I just... have to tell you what it is.

A history of wars beyond ages, a histroy of heroes rising as the sun, and setting into the horizon, frozen in past time.

Just one slight thing here. You got the o and the r mixed up in the bold word - history.

All was dark not a single star to shine their light, not a single color to liven our days.

You use third person and first person here which kinda threw me off. But I still get what you're trying to say.

when the fire of light shine's over the fire of darkness.

Okay, so when God starts saying the prophecy, he "says" (lol) everything in caps when he starts a new sentence. But when he said the above sentence, it wasn't in caps. Just pointing it out. I dunno if you wanted to leave it like that or not, but either way, it's your work, and it's perfect.

Also, I just have to explain something to you. In quite a lot of places, you forget to add commas. Commas are crucial, I tell you. You could say something with no commas and the other person would be like: What? So, try going over this chapter and hopefully you'll see what I mean.

That's it for now. I'm done with my review!

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty500

Hiya Katnes! I'm here to review your work today

I stare into a fire; its flames seem to tell of memories beyond time,

I probably wouldn't put the semi-colon here. Instead, I think 'I stare into the fire. The flames seem to tell of-' and so on. 

I've known it all, been through things beyond your dreams, seen things beyond your wildest imagination.

There's a repetitive use of 'things' and 'beyond' that make this part awkward to read. I would also break up the 'dreams' line and the 'imaginations' line with a period instead of a comma (but alas, I know little of grammar. Take any grammar advice of mine with a grain of salt :p)

actually I want to add onto this because I write my reviews as I read. You have a few other lines (especially in the first paragraph here) where you have repetitive words. 'So open your ears, open your mind' doesn't bother me as much, but 'I recall the dark secret history of cats.' and the following lines have 'history' three times just there. As I always say, try reading your work aloud!

All was dark not a single star to shine their light, not a single color to liven our days.

First, there should be a period after dark. Second, you mix 'their' and 'our', when it should only be one or the other to avoid switching between third person and first person.

Suddenly light, bright as star illuminated the sky as the universe sprang to life, ever mysterious.

I'm...not really sure what's happening in this line. Is there a sudden light that appears? Are you trying to describe the stars illuminating the sky or what the 'suddenly light' part it? The punctuation needs to be more specific to explain what you're talking about. For example, if a sudden light appears, it should be more like: 'Suddenly light, as bright as stars, illuminated the sky as the universe sprang to life, ever mysterious.'
Also, the ever mysterious bit doesn't add anything to this part? You say the light is sudden, but then you say it's ever mysterious, which contradicts itself.

"Yes my lord you have."

"Yes, my lord, you have." With commas.


-You use 'rise and fall'/'rise' several times in the prophecy. You might want to change the wording in some of those places to avoid repetition.

Born of Moons own daughter lovely.

Are there multiple moons? Or is it supposed to be Moon's own daughter? (Same for the Stars own son)

Yes" Debbie meowed, haunted by visions of days to come . . .

There should be a comma in: '"Yes," Debbie meowed.' Also, what visions? There are no mentions of her having visions, or what these visions are, except for this line. I would recommend either saying that God is giving her visions as he tells her of the prophecy, or that you explain what these visions are, instead of just telling us that 'she had visions'.
(I don't know if this is just yws being wonky, but the periods should be separated like that either)


-Most of the problems I see here are grammar related (have you tried an editing software like Grammarly? Or if you have Microsoft Word?), but that's really not an issue until much later.

-I think the biggest issue (to me) is that you don't explain who your narrator is. What exactly is the opening scene for? Is that Debbie's pov? God's? Somebody else's? There's also the flipping of first person and third person, but I don't think that's too hard to change. Unless, of course, I've just missed something completely.

-After your beginning descriptions (which, grammar issues aside, are quite nice, especially for imagery), once you switch into the dialogue portion, I have no idea what is happening. They're talking yes, but you don't describe reactions or body movements (which, I understand, can be hard in this situation). I can't get any sort of picture of the scenery or Debbie, or how you're picturing God. Try to add some descriptions in between the dialogue, so you don't just have one liners of the characters talking to each other.

-This reminds me very much of my Warrior Cats days. I don't know if you've read the series, or if you were inspired at all by that, but the series used to be my favourite back in the day. I haven't been in that community or series for a while now, but it does make me somewhat reminiscent of those days brings back the memories!

That's all I've got for you today! I hope you can find something helpful in my review Keep up your writing!

I hope you have a lovely day!