Young Writers Society

Hi! I’m going to review your poem for you!
First of all, I really liked it. I’m going to go through the poem and offer my suggestions.

I heard my name,
Echoing through the room;
-Here, I think that instead of a semi-colon, you should have a comma. I think that this would give it more flow.
Big, booming, everywhere
-I think you should have a full stop at the end of everywhere to show that that verse has finished.
My legs begin to wobble,
Becoming rubber;
-I don’t think this line flows with the one before. It sounds forced, not flowing as poetry should be.
Stiff, shaking, immovable
My breath catches in my throat,
-I think this should be “A breath catches in my throat” because you have more then one breath.
Making a lump;
-I don’t think this flows very well.
Huge, distracting, terrible
I walk onto the big wooden stage,
my flags shaking with every nervous step
My heart skips every other beat
-This line seems awkward. It would be better to say “My heart skips a beat”.
as I feel the eyes boring into me
-This verse is a line longer then the past three, and follows a different pattern. Why?
I bend down to set my silks,
my knees nearly buckling as I do
I touch my hair once more
to check if the bows are still tied
-There is no need to explain why you touch your hair.
Then I straighten my back,
-There is no need to say then.
looking at the hundreds of people
suddenly aware
of how alone I am
-This sounds like the hundreds of people are suddenly aware of how alone you are.
Then the music begins
-Because of the then in the verse before this, the then here sounds out of place and repeated.
Begin with a spin,
Remember to step
-The reader doesn’t need to know that you have to remember to step. And where are you stepping to? Why do you need to step?
Plaster on a smile,
Everyone’s looking
-I think this would sound better if it was “Everyone is looking”.
Arms straight,
Toes pointed
then something goes wrong
-Yet another then.
the music,
it's not playing right,
it was shorter before
-This whole verse just doesn’t sound right.
My heart stops,
my blood is cold,
I'm frozen
but then I smile
-Two things here. The but makes it sound like smiling is a negative thing. And yet another then.
The dangley tones course through me,
pulsing with my faint heart,
-My faint heart sounds weak. However, this verse is all about strength.
chest out, chin up,
smile
-I feel like the word smile should be in the same line as chest out, chin up.
Then the notes begin to familiarize,
I hardly notice,
-What do you hardly notice? This line confuses me.
but I pick up my flag
and begin what I prepared for
Perfect pickup,
good enough toss,
remember the wrap-around,
set it down gently
-I like this section.
I end with my hands in the air,
-I think this should be “I end with my hands up in the air”.
knowing I succeeded,
forgetting the rubber legs,
and the booming voice
-This flows well.
All I hear is cheering

A few comments:
-Check the tenses within the poem. The first section is past, but then it changes to present.
-There isn’t much punctuation in the poem. This slightly puts me off the actual poem.

Overall, I really like it. Well done and I hope this helped!

Hi Eve! Feel free to disregard any suggestions or comments I make. And with that being said, I hope you don't mind if I leave you a review

Overall Opinion:

I love your poem. I love that it is especially true and shows us, the readers, a glimpse into your life and an experience that you faced while performing in color guard and the wrong music played. It really shows us that you, the narrator, had to overcome a situation that many of us would have been too flustered and embarrassed to face.

What I liked:

The build up of nervous and shaking with fear

My legs begin to wobble,

becoming rubber;

stiff, shaking, immovable

but then I smile

I heard my name,

echoing through the room;

big, booming, everywhere

And all I hear is cheering

A 500 word essay is roughly one (1) page, single spaced or 250 words, double spaced. As an essay usually consists of at least three paragraphs: 1) an introduction, 2) the main body, and 3) a conclusion, most instructions for a short essay are to type a 250 word essay, to be double spaced.

A limitation of 250 characters seems awful short considering a single Tweet on Twitter is limited to 140 characters, which is roughly two or three short sentences.

I love this! The way you describe your emotions and thoughts is incredible. I'm not in color guard, but I was drum major last year and I've seen how hard they work. Ranging from the initial anxieties of a performance to the pride once it's completed, You perfectly capture the way you feel performing into words and I absolutely adore it.

Wow, it is one theatrical piece. I could totally picture the girl in this poem.

Infact, these following lines brought back the memories of my childhood days.

"My breath catches in my throat,

making a lump;

huge, distracting, terrible

-

I walk onto the big wooden stage,

my flags shaking with every nervous step

My heart skips every other beat

as I feel the eyes boring into me"

This is how I felt when a group of people were staring at me, Can't feel my legs. LOL.

The nervousness of the girl is felt through the words. It's impressive that you showed the nervous girl stood up for herself. Some out of fear fail to face the reality but, you have added up the positive element of the brave ones who dare to face the crowd and present themselves.

"Then the notes begin to familiarize,

I hardly notice,

but I pick up my flag

and begin what I prepared for

-

Perfect pickup,

good enough toss,

remember the wrap-around,

set it down gently"

When we commit ourselves to our work. That work honors us back. I could clearly see it in these lines:

"I end with my hands in the air,

knowing I succeeded,

forgetting the rubber legs,

and the booming voice

-

And all I hear is cheering"

Thank you so much in sharing this poem. What message I got from this poem is," Life is all about presenting ourselves."
I enjoyed the read.

This was my experience in my color guard spring showcase, not false AT ALL... I had to choreograph it all by myself, and as a first year (freshman), it was WAY difficult. So if you're looking for a challenge, or an enjoyable escape from P.E.... JOIN GUARD!!!