Young Writers Society

why was i lowkey singing this in my head in the style of Lana Del Rey- like there is just something really lyrical about this poem. it's really tragically beautiful.

I was a little unclear on the overall story presented in the poem so you will have to let me know if my analysis is correct or not!

The speaker sets the scene with vivid imagery of the midnight hour, a moon shining menacingly overhead, and the unpleasant smell of rotting sewers. These sensory details create an ominous atmosphere that foreshadows the danger and guilt that lurk beneath the surface of the speaker's actions. The second stanza introduces the object of the speaker's affection, who is described as having "jasper eyes" and a "sluggish, sly smirk." The description is very vivid and a really unique way to describe a person, and it really brought this poem alive in my mind. The speaker's admiration for this person is tinged with sadness and longing, as they acknowledge that the relationship is illicit and cannot be openly acknowledged. The repetition of the phrase "and i weep" underscores the speaker's emotional turmoil and the inevitability of their heartbreak.

The third stanza reveals that the speaker is married, which adds another layer of complexity to their situation. It makes the poem feel like an entire story rather than just a few stanzas. The line "in our clandestine meetings, we are / one and two and three and four" suggests that the speaker and their lover are engaging in a secretive affair, but the precise nature of their interactions is left up to the reader's imagination. Hopefully I am interpreting this all correctly! The image of the "whistle rings" creates a sense of urgency and danger, as if the speaker is aware that they are playing a dangerous game.

The final stanzas are the most enigmatic, as it is not entirely clear what has happened to the speaker's lover. The line "almost as fast as my husband when / he is on the racing track" implies that the lover has disappeared suddenly, but whether they have been caught, injured, or killed is left up to the reader's interpretation. The repetition of "jasper eyes" and "i weep" reinforces the idea that the memory of the lover is both beautiful and painful for the speaker, who is left to grieve the loss of their relationship.

In my opinion, the poem is successful in conveying the sense of danger and longing that characterizes the speaker's experience. The use of sensory details is particularly effective, as it creates a vivid and immersive atmosphere that captures the reader's imagination. However, I do wish that the final stanza were a bit clearer in its resolution, as the ambiguity detracts somewhat from the emotional impact of the poem as a whole. Maybe i just haven't got my thinking head on today aha. But honestly this was a realllllly beautifully written poem. I loved reading it and thinking about it whilst I wrote my review.

here are some of the things that really made this poem good:

Vivid Imagery: you used vivid and sensory imagery to create a dark and foreboding atmosphere. The description of the moon, the rotting sewers, and the streetlight help to create a visual landscape that is both haunting and memorable.

Emotional Intensity: your captured the emotional intensity of the speaker's experience through the use of repetition and strong language. The phrase "and i weep" is repeated throughout the poem, underscoring the speaker's sadness and sense of loss.

Layered Meanings: The poem has several layered meanings that allow the reader to interpret it in different ways. For example, the line "almost as fast as my husband when / he is on the racing track" could be interpreted as a metaphor for the danger and risk involved in the speaker's affair.

Effective Structure: The poem is structured in a way that builds tension and suspense, with the revelation of the speaker's marriage and the ambiguity surrounding the fate of the lover creating a sense of uncertainty and unease.

keep writing!

"This poem leaves a haunting impression with its vivid imagery and dark themes of betrayal, loss, and the all-consuming desire for love. The contrast between the grim setting of the rotting sewers and the beautiful description of the speaker's lover creates a sense of yearning and desperation. The repetition of the counting in the middle of the poem adds to the urgency of the speaker's emotions and the fleeting nature of their encounters. The ending is both tragic and hopeful, as the speaker is willing to risk everything for a chance at love once again.

One thing I appreciate about this poem is its use of sensory details to create a visceral and immersive experience for the reader. The descriptions of the moon, the smell of the sewers, and the sight of the lover under the streetlight all contribute to a vivid and palpable atmosphere. Additionally, the poem's use of enjambment and fragmented syntax creates a sense of disjointedness that mirrors the speaker's emotional turmoil.

To enhance this poem, one suggestion could be to vary the length and structure of the stanzas to add more visual interest and rhythm. Another option could be to expand on the character of the husband and his relationship with the speaker to provide more context for the speaker's motivations and desires. Overall, this is a haunting and evocative poem that stays with the reader long after the last line."

hey, I am here for the review,

I liked the poem very much, it did create the mystery and drama you have mentioned in the category, I am not fully sure about the overall story though, 3rd and 4th stanza kind of left me questioning many things.
1st stanza= we are introduced to the imagery of a moonlit night where the poem is happening

2nd stanza = "i am held together by a mere breath "this line and the lines following it were very nice, the way you described your supposed secret lover were nicely done

3rd = it did tell us that your meeting is secret and created a sense of urgency but the 1 , 2 3 part is just a little confusing. the first time I read I thought you are talking about a train leaving and taking your lover with it type.

4th stanza -=we get that the speaker is married and her husband might have left her

this poem seems like a part of a complex story where we are given just some paragraph to figure it out, I did enjoy the imagery and the use of words to describe everything. But felt a little confused by the ending.

the ambience of the poem and ambiguity did make the poem interesting, hope you write more on it and let me know if my analysis was right or not.