In a sheltered and shadowless room,
I dig at the floor for an escape hatch.
Tracing the darkness over again,
this loss of clarity's the colds I catch.
-
But everytime I'm stuck,
a sneaky hint appears.
Silhouette of cornflowers,
stalks blur in sinking tears.
-
Hindsight, it's right in front of me,
the next big break, the next holiday,
but I keep scrapping at concrete,
I let it sway, let it go away.
-
And when I'll realize a hatch never, ever existed,
I'll look at the mucky white walls, piano playing, tune twisted,
the smell of fire burning, crushed flowers filling my nostrils.
-
But no matter where I'll look,
and no matter what I'll see,
no more silhouettes of cornflowers will greet me.
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey, Euphoria! I'm here for a review c:
Grammar
In the fourth line of the first stanza, I think you can drop the "s" in "colds." "Scraping" has an extra "p" in the third line of the third stanza. There was also an overall lack of punctuation, which I assume was intentional.
Style
In the fourth and fifth stanzas, you switch from your rhyming scheme to a lose, free verse form that is inconsistent with the rest of the poem. It would be wise to fix this if you ever revise!
Notes
Your title is what drive me to read this. I'm not really making the connection between cornflowers and being-- I think the narrator is imprisoned? Though that may be a figurative prison rather than a literal one. Sorry if this is a bit harsher than usual, I'm tired XD
Have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!! <3
Hey you beautiful person <3 I thought I'd drop by and leave a review for this lovely poem!
I really love your title, for starters! It's what prompted me to read this poem -> it in itself is a nice piece of imagery. Your rhymes make this poem flow nicely and smoothly; the poem rolls off of my tongue. I love the dark atmosphere you've created with words lie "shadowless" and "darkness" and "loss of clarity." And I also love how the speaker keeps trying to get to these cornflowers - what I interpreted as a metaphor for light or hope or life - but they can't even find a mere silhouette. It's not that they can't find the real thing, but even a silhouette is out of reach. I think that's pretty hauntingly beautiful <3 I'm going to look at your poem in sections, but before I do, I'd like to mention one thing.
I think your poem would work well with stanzas. I read below that you tried to put in stanzas, but YWS ate up the line breaks xD a way you can fix this is put a - or ~ or something else in the line break so it won't disappear. What you can also do is where you have a line break, space five times so YWS will think there is something in the line break and will keep it for you. I hope that helps!
Word choice/Language
I think what is super noticeable to me is your word choice in language. I love, love the words you used to create that darker atmosphere, and you also used a lot of sound devices to make this such a pleasant poem to read.
and
and
I love your alliteration here! It's so nice to read and makes your poem flow really well. And the lines itself elicit some really nice images -> the reader gets to understand what kind of a setting the speaker is in. "Stalks blur in sinking tears" is such a cool image too.
I love the assonance here with "hindsight" and "right"
Pretty alliteration! <3 I also love "tune twisted" -> this also contributes to the darker atmosphere you overall have going on here
A wording suggestion -> perhaps you can make "silhouette" plural? Because usually when you say "No more (noun)" the noun is plural. I personally think that would work better, but it's just a suggestions!
Punctuation
I noticed that you didn't use any punctuation at the ends of your lines, and personally I would suggest it. Punctuation is a stylistic choice, so you definitely don't have to add any if that's the way you like it, but I personally think it would work well here! I'll give you an example of perhaps how I would do it, but there are many ways to punctuate this gorgeous poem (if you choose to do so) so you don't have to follow this c:
Spoiler
Again, this is just a suggestion, so please feel free to disregard this if you don't agree!
And that's it!
I hope this helped! ^_^
Hey you gorgeous soul <3 I'm so honored to be receiving a review from who I consider to be one of the best poets and poet-reviewers ever!
AAAAAA THOSE ARE SUCH MOTIVATING WORDS! I'm so glad to hear my imagery got your attention and you understood the metaphors perfectly! Rhythm is something I struggle with, so it's relieving to hear it was smooth here! I'm happy to hear you loved the atmosphere of the poem too! <3
THAT WAS SO HELPFUL AA! YWS WON'T HAVE MY LINE BREAKS FOR BREAKFAST ANYMORE YAY! XD THANK YOU!
Again, it's so awesome to see you pointing out the sound devices and imagery because it helps me know my words reach my readers! Thank you very much for catching those, and enjoying them!
And yess, that slipped me! "Silhouettes" is definitely right XD
Yes, no punctuation was a stylistic choice, but I love experimenting so I decided to add it in here! And I can't say I'm disappointed, I definitely feel it makes everything look more orderly and cleaner :D
I'm so delighted that you could picture this poem and that it left an impression on you <3
It definitely helped, thank you so incredibly much for the review and sweet and encouraging words <3
Hiya,
For starters let me just say I really enjoyed this, I thought it was beautiful and had a somber sort of melody to it. It really conveys that kind of melodramatic hopelessness I think you are going for. That being said I think this poem could be greatly improved by some structuring. You seem to already have some pivotal shifts in there which is a great start, but by breaking up the poem into sections you can highlight those features even better. Additionally while this is poetry and context and background are less important it might help the message of the poem if you added perhaps a line or stanza about the purpose of digging the hatch, even if there isn't one, just to help contextualize the struggle that you seem to be depicting. Again though this is gorgeous, the imagery and word choice is fantastic.
Much love and good luck
-Gravity
Hello!
Ah, I'm so glad you enjoyed this! You caught exactly the atmosphere and tone that I was going for, which is such a relief!
Thank you for those suggestions! For the structuring, I have broken them down into stanzas now so yayay! As for the purpose of the hatch, it was for the narrator to escape the struggle or sadness, which the dark room is a metaphor for. It didn't feel right to add an extra line or stanza to explain, so I added the word, "escape" before the word "hatch", for some clarity!
Thank you so much for the review, well wishes, and kind words! <3
Hiya,
For starters let me just say I really enjoyed this, I thought it was beautiful and had a somber sort of melody to it. It really conveys that kind of melodramatic hopelessness I think you are going for. That being said I think this poem could be greatly improved by some structuring. You seem to already have some pivotal shifts in there which is a great start, but by breaking up the poem into sections you can highlight those features even better. Additionally while this is poetry and context and background are less important it might help the message of the poem if you added perhaps a line or stanza about the purpose of digging the hatch, even if there isn't one, just to help contextualize the struggle that you seem to be depicting. Again though this is gorgeous, the imagery and word choice is fantastic.
Much love and good luck
-Gravity
Hi! y0sh!'s here for your review!
First, This poem made a great impression on me. I loved it so much. This seems to be a mostly descriptive poem with a streak of despair or anguish. But that's cool.
First off, I think this would work better with a good stanza structure. Imma demo one for you right here.
See how I have an extra space between some of the lines? Each section seperated by an extra empty line is called a stanza. It's good for organization and ESPECIALLY long poems like The Raven or something. If you tried read The Raven without the extra lines, you would practically clonk out from boredom. Just look at the length of the poem and see.
Also, you should definitely take a look at your rhythm. The second line is awkward and rhythmically abnormal. Changing it to "I dig the floor for a hatch" or something with eight beats in its rhythm would be nice. You can easily bore the reader if you don't have good rhythm.
Also, having a good repetition is very important. I have no problem with "Silhouette of cornflowers" appearing twice as it IS the name theme of the work.
I think I covered the main points in this poem. It's really very beautiful. Keep up the good work!
Happy Holidays and Bon Voyage!
-y0sh!
Thank you so much for the review <3 I'm happy this poem found a place in your heart!
so unfortunately, it's a mistake on the site's part.
Ah yes, I did have a stanza structure when I was drafting it but I just couldn't get the formatting to work out when I published the poem here
I'll make sure to add that in, thank you!
Yay, I'm glad I nailed the repetition then!
Thank you so much, your review was very helpful, happy holidays to you as well!! <3
AHHH I love this so much! <3
Thank you very much <3