Do you ever have those moments when you have to do something but you just don’t want to or lack inspiration to? You know, those times when parents ask us to do chores or worse yet, when professors make us do projects that we’re just not keen doing? I bet most of us know that feeling. To whoever currently feels that way, you’ve got my sentiments.
We’re in the same situation.
My theology professor thought it was a great idea to make all of his students produce films akin to that of an indie movie. I’ve got no problems with that so far, I really don’t. What stresses me out though, is the topic – love. You see, I’m probably not the best person to talk to about the topic, much less film something about it. I’m not bad at love, at least my friends say, but at the moment, anything related to love is considered a sensitive topic – to me anyway.
“You should really get over it, Lara. Nothing can be done that can change Sir Mac’s mind.”
I straightened myself from hunching over the lunch table. “I know, but it’s easier said than done.”
The person in front of me is my closest friend in college, Kasey. She’s got those cherry red, wavy curls some girls wished they had, and fair skin to boot. Personally though, I get more caught up with her eye color – it was hazel. That wasn’t an eye color I was used to seeing.
Anyway, we were blockmates since we were freshmen, but we only hung out during sophomore year. Now that we’re juniors in the second semester, we’re pretty sure we know each other well enough for us to open up about various topics, no matter how crazy or sentimental it could be. You could say we’re a pair these days, almost always eating lunch together or leaving campus together. It wasn’t something I’m used to, but hey, company is company after all.
“I just can’t believe that of all things, we’ve got to work on this topic.”
“Theology is theology, not to mention love and marriage is the backbone of the class during junior year.”
I rested my face on my palm. “Then can’t he have just told us to pick between love and marriage? Sophomore year had more project options…”
“Marriage stems from love, so we can work on that even if our topic is love,” Kasey said as she took another bite of the pork chop on our platter. “Now, tell me what the matter really is. I know you, Lara. You can produce anything with that imagination of yours – you’re one of the most artistic people I know!”
I’m not sure whether or not to respond to that. I assume she should already know what the real deal is, considering she’s my confidant. Either she wants to confirm her suspicions or she forgot – knowing her, it’d probably be the former possibility.
“Kase, you should know why.” I pouted. “The reason why I’m not really into the whole idea of this project.”
A cheeky smile slowly appeared on her face. I knew it. She just wanted to hear it straight out from me to confirm everything. Why can’t she just stick to her gut instinct?
“That’s another thing you should get over about, Lara.”
Kasey leaned over on the table and placed her hand on my arm. When I looked at her, I saw something in her eyes – sympathy, maybe. Perhaps it was even pity.
“Who says guys are the only ones who get casted aside as friends? I bet the people who say that have never heard of a case like mine.”
“Liam is just one guy, Lara. You can’t be put down by him. There’s a whole lot of other men out there – some of which you’ve rejected yourself.”
I bit my lip. Kasey had a point. I guess karma really is a thing these days.
“I know, I know,” I sighed. “I was at least more polite about it.”
I leaned back and looked around. People were lining up at the grilled food stall, over there near the arts corridor, while others were trying to get more vegetables for their salad. I could even smell some smoked meat from way over here, at the left extreme of the room. “Well, while it’s early and no other requirement is being given, we might as well plan this film. You know, like the focus and what not.”
Now, here’s the comical thing about Kasey – she’d rather plan on a project a week or two before it’s due. Unluckily for her, she’s got me as her only teammate so far and I’m not much of the sitting type. I’d rather work on something while I can to come up with a great output instead of cramming everything in a short period of time to only have a relatively decent result.
“But it’s only been a few weeks since the semester started!”
See, I told you, didn’t I?
“Come on Kasey, if we’re going to do this, we might as well start as soon as we can while we’re not burnt out from piles of work.”
I pulled out my file case from my bag to search for a familiar piece of yellow paper. Once I found it, I slid it over to Kasey.
“See the bonus? If we want to do it, we have to plan now because that part will start next month.”
“Next month, Lara. I may have to read that out loud to you,” Kasey frowned. “Can’t we just do it a few weeks from now, please?”
“Now who’s got to get over something?” I stuck my tongue out. That probably hit a nerve. I giggled a bit because some ketchup smudged near her lips. It didn’t help Kasey though.
“Fine; however,” she pointed to a line on the bottom of the paper, “we’re still supposed to get more teammates. Four’s the minimum number and we’ve only got two – you and me. Where are we going to get the other two?”
That’s a problem I didn’t think of sooner. We didn’t know anyone else in class, heck, we didn’t even plan on going to the same class. Kasey and I just coincidentally ran into each other at the building’s corridor during the first day only to find out we’ve got the same slot. Where are we supposed to get other members? I’m not exactly a social person. I’m quite reserved and I only speak to the people I’m comfortable around. To add to that, I’m a perfectionist as well, which may not really sit well with others who don’t know me. I could rub off as strict and demanding, but I guess that’s partly true. I guess my fault is that I tend to look for myself in other people. Kasey, on the other hand, may be able to get folks to join our group. She’s way more social than I am and she’s funny too. She’s that girl with the easy-going personality who you may find comfort in, though at times, it’s like comfort finds you. I say that out of experience.
You see, during that time the wound Liam dealt was fresh, I was keeping tabs on the information I gave, and by that, I mean I barely said anything about it at all. What happened instead was that I hung out less with our block and went around by myself, much like I did during first year – that was the reason why our classmates didn’t smell anything wrong going on within our circle. Much to my surprise, someone did notice. Obviously, who that was, was Kasey. At first, I thought all the times I would bump into her was all coincidence, turns out, that girl really did mean to show up where I would be. Talk about being a stalker. Anyway, when I was on to the whole set up, she confessed and told me she was worried about me. I was taken aback, but nonetheless I felt happy. Someone was looking out for me. Needless to say, after that day when she told me everything and took me out to eat, we became close and ended up how we are today. I guess that love problem did do me some good after all – I got a friend who I know looks out for me. Hopefully, I could pay her back somehow… one way or the other.
Back to the problem at hand though – how are we supposed to reach minimum?
“We heard we could work with other classes too, though.”
Kasey and I turned around to find two guys looking at the both of us.
Just what I needed.
I turned back to Kasey and spotted that mischievous grin spread on her face. Oh no, I am in for it.
“Oliver, Miguel.” She nodded to each one. “Are you guys eating with us?”
Please don’t.
“Yeah. We were hoping that those empty seats were reserved for us,” Oliver grinned as he made his way to Kasey, placing his bag on the seat beside hers. “Isn’t that the case?”
I am doomed.
“Keep saying that and your head will be filled with even more air.” Kasey laughed, pulling her stuff away and putting it on a chair she grabbed from behind. “There’s enough inside as it is.”
“Touché.”
Miguel decided to sit down next to me, waving as he did so. I smiled and waved back, but I felt as if cold sweat would come out of my pores any minute – I could feel someone stare straight at me. Who that was should be obvious. She was already kicking me secretly, underneath the table! When I look at her though, she acts as if nothing was different – well, except maybe that extra twinkle in her eye.
Of all times, why now?
“So Lara and Kasey…,” Oliver began. “Could Miguel and I join your group? We wouldn’t be able to make any good output otherwise.”
“Sure,” I grinned. “But Oliver… you know the condition.”
“Yeah, yeah. I’ll work harder this time around and do my best for this project.” He proceeded to place his hand over his heart. “If I don’t, you can get all the money I have in my wallet. I’m sorry for what happened last time we worked together, Lara.”
So he is aware.
“Add in the ATM and pin then you’re in.” I smiled. The other two chuckled.
Maybe this time, I can figure out what’s wrong and help him out.
Oliver shrugged then turned to look at Miguel. “Are you getting anything to eat?”
“You guys should go and buy food now. What time does your next class start?” Kasey butted in, putting a forkful of green salad into her mouth. “Ours starts in thirty minutes.”
“Same time as yours do,” Oliver replied.
“Better get in line before more students come in. You don’t want to get stuck in a line with freshmen – they take a long while to decide what they want to eat.” I absentmindedly grabbed for my fork. “By the time it’s your turn, the first bell would be ringing.”
Miguel and Oliver looked oddly at me while I was fishing around for food on the plate Kasey and I shared. Funny thing that I realized was, I wasn’t getting any. I checked the platter and found out why the two were staring at me weirdly as well as why Kasey had an innocent look on her face – she ate all our food!
“Hey! You even ate my half!”
“You weren’t taking any, so I thought you weren’t hungry.” She muffled a burp.
“You’re paying me for the part that was supposed to be mine, Kase.” I stood up and sighed. “Looks like I’m getting in line with you guys.”
“Definitely.” Oliver smirked. Kasey, meanwhile, was doing that peace sign and saying sorry. I merely nodded.
As we were headed for the various stalls here on the upper floor of the cafeteria, I turned around to face them all. “Before I forget, group meeting tonight. We reached the minimum number of people so let’s begin planning.”
Kasey and Oliver both looked at me with puppy-dog eyes. That won’t work.
“I don’t think you’ve got anything more to complain to me about, Kasey.” I winked. “As for you, Oliver, don’t feed the laziness monster.”
Knowing that they won’t win in an argument if they continue, both just gave me an exasperated “yes”.
“Good kids.” I grinned. “Now come on before the freshmen beat us to it.”
As the two boys and I made our way through the student infested room, I mentally took note of today. Somehow, I felt like this project would be the start of something different – something that’d take up most of our time these coming months; something may show us, or rather me, more about life and it’s wonder or mystery called love. It could make me feel better or bitterer than I already am. No matter the outcome though, I feel like whatever result it’d give would be lasting.
Now what name could I call it? The group and I could talk about it later on tonight, but for now, a placeholder would suffice.
I’ve got it. Project: LOVE.
Well, I guess, Project: LOVE is about to commence.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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129,613 Literary Works • 671,509 Reviews
Hey Esca! I'm FINALLY here. I'm not sure if it was the first chapter you wanted reviewed, but non-the-less I'm going to hopefully be getting to the other chapters someday as well... so I don't think you'll mind.
So, I'm really enjoying this. x.x I really like the way your characters interact- it's very free and, well, it kind of makes you feel comfortable reading it, when the characters are so easy-going.
I found this line a bit confusing. What were you trying to say here?
The other thing I wanted to note, or mention, is your present tense. Present tense goes well with first person I've found, but you seem to be doing something a bit different then most first person, present tense stories. Like, normally I'm used to seeing it where the situation doesn't get addressed as directly. For an example you said:
Maybe it's just me, but starting it with the "I'm" makes it seem a bit odd. I'm not sure how to explain it. :/ But it could just be a stylistic choice!
Oh, well, that was fast. ;P
I love this line, I truly do! XD There has never been a more appropriate, for playful, more desperate place for an exclamation mark. XD It just felt perfect for some reason. And it's such a true line, anyway. How many times does your friend bug you about things like that? XD That's right, a lot.
I found this interaction a bit odd. One minute Lara is acting all shy and a bit reserved around them, the next she's quite comfortable and animated. I don't think she'd recover that fast, but maybe that's just me.
That was a very entertaining read! ^_^ I'm looking forward to reading/reviewing more of it! Keep it up!!!
-Cael ;p
Is this biographical? If so, we need to talk. If not, we still need to talk. Because Lara is basically my twin.... O_O anyways, I'm liking this so far. Your writing style is certainly very unique, apart from the occasional stream-of-consciousness which tends to ramble on a bit. I like it, I won't leave a review because you've already got some really good ones.
*will be reading on*
No, it isn't biographical, Flite. I'm glad you like it! I'm curious to see if you and Lara would still be twins when you read the next chapters. If you still would be, I'm going to be really amused.
Would you want me to tag you when I post updates? See you around.
I really enjoyed this story. There was a good vocabulary and you have a good grasp of you characters. I like the setup of Lara needing to get over this school project and having to get over with Liam. It's definately relatable and has many possiblities. I rarely see reaslist stories. and it's my favorite genre so I had to check it out and I am glad I did!
Hello~ It is I, Brunnera, here to review just as you have asked me to. An interesting title for a story, you have here.
Let's just start with the few technical errors that I spotted. Or, at least, think I spotted, considering this is an edited an revamped version of your original chapter.
Reaching the paragraph near the beginning, you start to describe Kasey to the reader. I find a technical error here because you've mixed up her description with who she was to Lara. Since her appearance and her relationship with Lara are two different things, I'd suggest starting a new paragraph at:
" That wasn’t an eye color I was used to seeing. (...) Anyway, we were blockmates since we were freshmen, but we only hung out during sophomore year. "
The [ indicates the start of a new paragraph. Remember that once a reader's attention is brought elsewhere or on a different topic, start a new paragraph. If it sounds too tricky or easy, you will eventually get the hang of it through trial and error.
" A [knowing] smile slowly appeared on her face. I knew it. She just wanted to hear it straight out from me to confirm everything. "
I'd change "knowing" to "cheeky" or "mischievous". I've never heard of "knowing" before.
" When I looked at her, I saw something in her eyes – [sympathy, maybe. Perhaps it was even pity.] "
To the best of my knowledge, pity means to look at somebody as pathetic...unless if I'm actually mistaken. That, I am not sure. I'd remove "pity" though, it sounds weird in the same sentence with "sympathy".
" “Who says [males] are the only ones who get casted aside as friends? I bet the people who say that have never heard of a case like mine.” "
Simply replacing the word with "boys" or "guys" will be fine. This is dialogue, after all. Saying "males" in a normal, everyday sentence is awkward.
" I bit my lip. Kasey [has got] a point. I guess karma really is a thing these days. "
You seem to commonly use "has got" instead of a concise "had" or "has".
" “Now who’s got to get over something?” I [snuck] my tongue out. "
Perhaps it's "stuck"? Unless it was deliberate...
Well, I guess there's not much to say about the technical errors, considering this is a revised edition of your work. For all I know, all of the "errors" I pointed out weren't even errors at all! I'm sorry if that's true xD
Well, there is, in fact, the lack of imagery that stands out in your story. Previous reviewers have already pointed out the cafeteria, but have you considered your characters?
Since this is a first chapter, introduction is vital. The reader should be familiarized with as many things as possible so the story is easy to grasp and believable. As far as I'm concerned, the only character you have described was Kasey, even that description is quite vague.
I have no concrete image of Lara, but that's perfectly understandable since she's the narrator, and won't describe herself unless she was looking into a mirror. What about Oliver and Miguel? I know that they're guys, but is that it? I don't recall a paragraph particularly describing them.
To delve into the description of a person requires a lot of analysis. For example, Kasey's eyes are hazel, but are her eyes sharp and small? Or large and round? Her nose, was it similar to a Hebrew model, or was it sharply-angled and gave her a suspicious appearance? Her skin is fair, and supposedly outstanding, but simply describing it as "fair" doesn't make it sound outstanding, if you understand my meaning. Using similes like "milk" and "porcelain" to compare with her skin is ideal.
For some reason, I kind of like Lara's character. She's definitely the most realistic of the group and you've done her narration very well. Her choice of words, personal thoughts and sometimes snarky replies are amusing and bring the story out smoothly.
I'm sorry if my review was sloppy, I haven't reviewed for about a week or so due to exams. Anyway, I love how the summing up of the title was explained at the end. It was a nice touch, that.
I'll review on the next chapter as soon as I could, EscaSkye. Love your username btw xD
~Brunnera
Hey there. Sorry, I only saw this now, but here I go!
I'll definitely take a look again - even if I edit it, some stuff still get past my attention, so thank you for pointing them out. As for description, yeah... I really need help with that. That's my weak point. I can imagine how the setting looks like and what the cast looks like in my head, but I have trouble writing all those down. Also, I'm glad to see you like Lara! I find it fun to narrate from her view point. Lastly, don't worry. Your review isn't sloppy at all! It's very helpful. Thank you for reviewing this, Brunnera, as well as for the compliment.
I'm just going to leave the comment here. Thanks StellaThomas and Deanie! I've edited chapter 1 while taking note of your suggestions. I've still got a few things to rewrite here (like more info on the cafeteria), but I hope the current edit does some justice to your reviews!
Hi there EscaSkye! Here as requested!
I apologise for this taking so long, but I am finally here. I still have some beneficial things to say about the story though! This was a very good beginning to the story and I like how they have been assigned this big project and Lara has a bit of a problem with this topic. School can often be like this - and she's going to have to get over her personal problems about the matter. I wonder how she will manage to do this, and how her problems will come up and become an issue as she works on this. I am also curious to know where the story's main conflict is going to come from, but then I guess I will see if I keep reading!
I didn't know what you were referring to by it. I am assuming filming, but because of the previous friendship, the it could also be referring to love. Just make sure you make this one obvious.
No need for an 'as' in this sentence, and I suggest the ending part be changed to 'to me anyway.' I don't think it's the matter of actions of love being done in a place she can see, but anything to do with love and herself.
The knew should be know, because I am pretty sure they still trust each other
I feel like it would be great to see the friendzone first hand instead of simply being told about it. Yes, this is something that has happened in the past to Lara, but then again, that is the magic in flashbacks! Also, everyone has a slightly different definition as to what makes a friendzone actually a friendzone. So having you show us first hand where we can see a bit of how things were between her and Liam, can also help us understand what definition you mean in this story.
Also, from this, Lara doesn't seem like such a likeable person. Try not to simply focus on her bad points when you are explaining her and what she likes to do. Let her good parts shine through as well. Make her appreciate her friends a bit more because even though she talks about like Kasey, I don't really see her loving her much here. We don't get to see in what ways Miguel might like her because she isn't been too nice to him or anyone round this table really. I know that sometimes people simply aren't people people, because I am one of them! But this made it seem like all Lara wanted to do was get in a corner and work on the project all by herself :/
One thing I wanted to see more of was a bit of setting descriptions. I feel like we are plonked in the middle of this cafeteria, but I can't visualize myself there. I can't hear the background noise of other people talking and eating, I can't imagine them being in a school right now, and I can't imagine what country they are really in. I feel like some more, even if short, descriptions of the space that they are in would be able to help us a bit more.
And although you did do an awesome job of describing Kasey's personality, I feel like we need to see a bit more of her appearance. Likewise, also the appearance of the two boys you happen to join them at the table. I am having a hard time imagining what they look like, which is a point worth improving.
Otherwise I can't find much more to comment on that you haven't already improved or that I StellaThomas hasn't already pulled out! I will be back to read the other chapter soon!
Deanie x
Hey there! No worries, your review is appreciated! I'll correct those lines you pointed out the next time I edit this work. Also, I apologize for the setting. I honestly do have a hard time setting up the background. As for the friend zone issue, I'll include more info about the thing with Liam in a future chapter.
Now for Lara... well, she does seem icy and possibly mean, but that's not all there is to her. I admit I didn't put on much of her good points here, but it'll come, I promise. Chapter 3 will shine on more of her traits, as it's about to start some parts of the project. I will try to address why she's acting the way she is in the future. What I can say for now though is that a lot will change, including Lara's demeanor.
That's all from me for now, thanks Deanie!
Hiya! Stella here!
So first of all, I really liked the concept. I like the opening - clearly the project is going to really impact on them and I really like how you introduce it straight away! I like the dialogue, I like that you have very defined characters and a nice ensemble cast. It's good!
But of course there are a few things that need fixing:
-I'd love to know a little more about their college life. What are their majors? What's the name of the theology professor? How did they all end up in theology? Is this a religious or secular college? Have they just been taking the class this year? It was an interesting one, and I'd love to know more!
-while you seem to have really certain ideas of who your characters are, and that's great, I'm not so sure it worked because each one got a paragraph long introduction. This is just our first taste of the story and it's a little too much to take in all at once! Miguel and Oliver's introductions could wait - and information about their relationships should be interspersed - we can garner from Oliver's dialogue that maybe he doesn't always put enough work in, and just let that seep into the story naturally instead of giving us a whole exposition on it. Similarly when it comes to Miguel - maybe Kasey nudges Lara, or makes suggestive expressions, but we don't need to know right then and there that she ships them or whatever. The information itself can wait. For now, we need just a suggestion of what's going on, an outline that we can colour in later.
-Lara seems really unenthusiastic about her friendship with Kasey, which strikes me as really sad.
-be careful about the use of the word 'friendzone'. I'm okay with it because I think it's a harmless concept - you tell someone you like them romantically and they say, "I just like you as a friend" - fine by me, there should be a name for that! But a lot of people believe that the word comes from men who believe that if a woman is their friend she's obliged to sleep with them and it's seen as sexist. I don't know, I never read it that way, but just be careful because the usage might be stepping on some toes.
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
G'morning! Thanks for the review!
Okay, first off, I didn't know friendzone was perceived that way. Thank you for telling me! I've always just thought of it as the one you stated earlier - "I just like you as a friend". I'll try to think of something to replace that. I didn't mean to step on anyone's toes at all.
As for your suggestions, I'll keep them in mind! I'll add more about their majors and college later on - either an edit here or in the upcoming chapter. I tend to struggle with how much info to put it. I'll also try to edit this to be more subtle, as well as Chapter 2 so that it would pair better. As for Lara... since I figured it's narration from her, then not everything she thought of would be here, just what she thought was needed. She can be quite cold or dishonest in a sense.
Again, thank you for the review! It's really helpful!
paula08 here to review as requested!
Let's start with a basic over view, shall we? Then we could jump over to a more detailed analysis.
Here we go.....
First of all, this literal work seems to shift towards dramatic novels rather than narrative ones. This is because narrative novels are expected to have more details and less dialogue. If you want it to be a narrative novel you should include more narration in it rather than conversations or else you can state the conversations indirectly.
This chapter left me with a sense of indifference towards it which is not a great sign especially since this is the first chapter. You put a lot of action in the first chapter without introducing the characters to the readers. This was your first mistake since the reader couldn't hook to the story without being able to feel with the characters themselves. Emotions is probably the most important aspect in all literature. Emotions in the hands of a skilled writer with aesthetic sensibility, are the stuff of great literature. Consequently, to the fact that the information about the characters was very vague, the reader was left out of the story.
The first chapter should be focused mainly on creating the desired atmosphere using vivid description. The main character ought to be introduced immediately and his major characteristics should be hinted out either directly or indirectly. Since your work is dramatic, the speaker ought to speak from his perspective and share his feelings to the reader. This helps to get the reader attached to the character. In the first chapter, there should also b a focus on the setting. There are different types of settings which could be tackled. In this case you have a lot of social setting.
Getting back to emotion, I have to sat that this chapter was quite easy going keeping in mind the amount of action induced to it. This is probably due to the fact that you put too much information at one go. Keep in mind:
-The characters has just been introduced to the reader by name only (thus, the reader is unaware of their appearance or personality)
-The reader is still getting accustomed to the physical setting)
-The reader was not given enough information to form his own opinion,
These points are again other reasons why this amount of action is not recommended to be in the first chapter.
SO, you must focus on developing better your characters and learning how to divide the action better. Remember that you have more chapters coming up so why not focus on one thing at a time. Make a plan for your novel and in each chapter focus on one major incident. Of course there would be more than one action occurring in a chapter however, use your skills to make these incidences flow like real life events and than emphasise more on one particular action more than the others. This could be done by inducing more emotions in your writing and lengthening the particular incident. Apart from that, I recommend that before main characters interfere in the story (eg. Oliver and Miguel), make sure that the speaker mentions them somewhere before and shares her thoughts about them beforehand.
Let's go deeper and look at technique:
Your writing is very casual and informal which is a great choice for this social setting. The informality and casual tone made the reader aware that the speakers get along well with each other. The abbreviations make the interaction even more realistic. You are really skilled at writing informal conversations which is ideal for these interactions. However you need to beware that when the speaker is narrating to the reader, the wording should be in this case still informal but less casual.
Also, beware to reread your writing a couple of times. I found certain sentences which don't make sense as they are.....they need some alterations or additions. Take a look at this for example:
"She could have all the food she can stuff her mouth with, as I had other things in mind".
this sentence has grammatical errors and the syntax is also wrong. It would be better like this:
"If it was for me, she could have all the food she desired, as I had other things on my mind."
Moving on..take a look at this: "I got up from leaning over on the table"
The wording used is incorrect since one cannot 'get up' from leaning. The word leaning means to tilt on something....supporting on something.
Correction:
"I straightened down from leaning on the table"
Then, you wrote:. “See. You both produce it and film it. Afterwards, you present it to all his classes.”
Keep in mind that the situation is vague to the reader so try explaining yourself more clearly, eg. “See. We have to both produce it and film it. And afterwards, we even have to present it to all of his classes.”
Another point regarding your writing is that you should base your work upon realistic research given that that this is a realistic novel. I am referring to using more technical words when it comes to describing collage assignments:
"come up with our focus, rough outline, and the works.”
Difficulty in explaining oneself:
“Yes, but if we’re doing this, we might as well be prepared. It’s a film after all, which I must remind you, he wants to watch as if it’s been done professionally or at least at par to an indie film.”
- Prepared for what? As an alternative you can change this to: ‘we might as well get cracking’
- The second part is a bit confusing due to choice of wording. I arranged it like this:
"It’s a film after all, which I must remind you, Mr.(surname) maintained that he expects it to be of a high quality and as professional as possible.”
I liked the act that you tried to insert an inner joke between the friends to make the writing more realistic: “Can’t you do your media or art wizard spells on it?" Unfortunately,this only confused the reader since he hasn't yet developed an attachment to the character.
Be careful when you explain yourself since certain expressions go off the road eg:
"She was grinning from ear to ear "
This should be:
"Her grin touched her eyes."
From what I can see after analysing the text, sometimes you have a problem with explaining yourself. Going through more detail and describing more the situation should help with that. Also be careful since you also seem to have a problem with the syntax meaning the construction of the sentence. This could be improved by reading the writing loudly a few times. Normally if the syntax is not right you would realise that something is off once you read it out aloud. Whilst reading this chapter I found certain other points which should be drawn attention to. If you desire, I could email you a quick correction of the chapter. If you'd like that, just PM me.
I think that this could develop into a great story. The idea behind it is good. I remind you to try and divide the actions into different chapters. My last words are....put your mind and heart into your writing and let your emotions flow
I hope that this review will be beneficial...If you have any queries don't hesitate to ask.
Good luck and Keep writing:)
Hi! I'm sorry for the late reply, but here it goes.
Thank you for clearing up the proper genre the work should be in - I will be editing that later on once I finish the revised version I'm working on. As to the part where I put too much information in one go, I admit that I did. I'm currently removing bits and parts of how it is currently so that there'd be less information and action. Apart from that, I'm also going to add a bit more into the characters, as I want to focus this whole work towards their development as people and how their outlook on the topic of love. I just want to gradually write the change.
Moving on as to giving Lara's thoughts on the boys before they interfere, I didn't really think of that. Truth be told, it feels a bit off for me to write about them without them even being in the picture yet. Personally, it feels as though the timing would be too perfect, but that's me. I'll see what I can do about that! Sentence-wise, I did flop on some sentences. I can't justify myself since I could have reread this before posting it - which I usually do except for this one so far. I'm sorry about that, I truly am. I guess I figured I might as well put it out here once I'm done, at least that's what I thought that night. I will be editing those, don't worry, but I may write it differently from what you recommend. There's nothing wrong with it, but it feels a bit off in my perspective so far. Thank you for the corrections too, like the one about leaning. I appreciate it!
Referring now to the more technical terms, I've based it more on how I've experienced it. My friends and I don't really talk that way when we refer to a project, nor do all my professors. We just go simple and straight to the point. I do understand though, as I merely based it on how it was for me, so I will look into it more. As for the confusion on the skills of sorts, may you please clarify what was confusing about it? I don't really see how it was, but that could be because I know who they are. I didn't think an attachment was necessary to state that Lara is good with media related things. Last, about the emotions, yes, I was a bit off with how I felt about the opening chapter. I was thinking more of the future chapters while writing this, which was a mistake on my part. I should have focused on this more so it'd stand out better.
Thank you for the review paula08! Please don't think I took any offense whatsoever with your review, it really is beneficial. I just wanted to put my thoughts here for you to see. I may send you a message soon! Thanks again!