Project: LOVE [Chapter 10 - Edited]

It was awkward, to say the least, to drive back to the university with Kasey since all she did was stare out the passenger’s seat window. She did try to talk to me earlier, but I knew she was only doing that to lessen my suspicion. I guess she felt that I was on to her plan, so she just stopped talking. Still, credit to me, I did try to reply and act natural.

Try. The acting was a little rusty.

Trust her – that’s a bit too much she’s asking from me right now. How can I if she wouldn’t even spit out what’s wrong? Besides, didn’t people only say things like “trust them” as a last attempt at hiding things? Sure it could end up weird, but that would be way better than staying confused. Honestly, I’d rather she kick me right now than leave me in the dark about things. Oh, and the best part to this whole situation?

We’re stuck in traffic.

We are literally stuck in traffic just outside our university. If there were no cars in front of us, we could’ve gotten inside and I’d be able to park within five minutes. Five minutes. I could have scrammed by then, but no. Luck is not on my side right now.

Someone save me.

I looked over to my right, only to see Kasey still staring out the window. Really, with nothing much to do at the moment, I’m tempted to pop my head out to see what was so interesting, in case I didn’t catch everything through the windshield. There wasn’t much outside but streetlights, trees, shops, people walking in different directions, and cars waiting in line. The stores didn’t even have anything written on the boards near their entrances to read.

This is painful. Blank boards are apparently the new “in” folks love. That, or I’m just blind.

I took a deep breath, tapped the steering wheel, and opened my mouth. I had to say something, anything, to at least attempt to lighten up the atmosphere. It was getting lonely with just the sound of the air conditioner and honks coming from behind.

“The university’s having one of those semestral talks where our parents are invited,” I began, stealing glimpses of her. “Did your folks receive the e-mail? Are they going?”

Come to think of it, I never even met her parents yet.

“I didn’t – I mean, no. If they did, they didn’t tell me,” Kasey gave a sidelong glance so I peered at her. “I don’t think either of them will attend either way anyway. They’re too busy with work; stuff like that.”

There was something to how she said it. The best way to describe it was that she seemed melancholic; because of that, I instantly felt bad for asking. I couldn’t help but feel like I just opened a forbidden door and that my feet were on a path made of quicksand.

I better change the subject.

Before I could, however, Kasey sighed as she held my hand and squeezed it. Her grasp was strong, more so than all other times, but still, I felt the same gentleness she always had. This was her non-vocal way of reassuring me everything would be all right, which she usually did when words failed to calm me. This time, however, it was different. I could tell – despite the firmness and the warmth, her fingers that wrapped around my palm were shaking; soon it was her whole hand. I started to study her actions. Slowly, she turned her head to face the windshield, to appear as if she was looking at the bumper in front of us, but to me, it felt like she was staring at a whole different scene – an image I didn’t see, not some lunch hour traffic. She was squinting and her bottom lip was slightly quivering, though she tried to hide it. Finally, I understood. This was her way to still reassure me when words failed her; when none would come to her mouth. It also served as a sense of comfort for her that I was still there – that I hadn’t left her. I squeezed her hand too and caressed the back of it with my thumb.

This time, she was the one who needed me, needless if I was the cause of her annoyance or not. This time, I’ll be the one there for her, in her moment of vulnerability.

I’ll put her back on her feet.

“Kasey,” I thought of how I should approach her, considering the probable sensitivity of the topic. But I figured that the best things to say would be the things I wished to: the words that formed from my emotions rather than my logical mind. One simple message. One she might need to know.

“I’m here, don’t worry. No matter what, I’m here.”

I could see her eyes gradually turn red, but she forced the tears back. Lightly, she scratched the bridge of her nose with her free hand.

“Lara, I…,” she paused and cleared her throat. “I’m sorry. I know you’re being affected by how I’m acting: by how I’m not being myself, but some things are just circling my mind right now… things I –“

She tried to continue, but I stopped her. I didn’t need any more explanations, even though I wanted one earlier. What’s the use? What help would it do? All I knew was that she’s hurt and likely needed time to understand what she’s dealing with. The most I could do was to alleviate the pain.

“You don’t have to say much more. I don’t need to hear it.” I smiled, then took the handkerchief I kept in my pocket. With it in hand, I reached out and quietly wiped away the tears that were trickling down her face.

I can’t stand seeing you so broken.

For a while as I did that simple task, Kasey stared at me, looking rather taken aback. I stopped then gave a resigned sigh as I held out the piece of cloth for her to take. I understood her reaction. Mostly, I tease and act somewhat aloof with her, even though we’re close. It’s no wonder she was shocked. Then again, why was I being comforting? Even I was surprising myself.

Do I want to really be emotionally invested in people again?

“Use it, or else you’re going to get your shirt collar wet.”

She nodded and took the item off my hands. By the time she finished wiping her face, sniffling at the same time, the traffic lessened and I was able to get us back into the university. Inappropriate as it was, given the moment we were both in, I began to laugh. Kasey looked at me confusedly with her hand pressing the hanky against her right eye. I knew she wanted to ask what I found amusing, so as I drove through the campus streets, I grinned at her.

“You want to know what’s funny?” I giggled. “It’s that the car flow became better right after you spoke about how you felt. It’s like we were just given time to really talk.”

Well, I interrupted, but still.

Kasey thought about it for a while then chuckled. “You’re right. Things happen for a reason, don’t they?”

I smiled, focusing on the road but checking her time to time. “They do.”

“Hey, if talking about my feelings makes traffic go away, then I wouldn’t mind acting crazy. I’d talk to thin air when I’m about be late for class.”

I gazed at her after the guard motioned for vehicles to stop, so that the students on the sidewalk could pass. If earlier at the café she looked fine, yet hidden beneath her eyes were a mess of thoughts and hurt; now, even if she’s quite dishevelled, Kasey was definitely happier and seemed to be rather relieved. The tense atmosphere surrounding us had disappeared and had been replaced by smiles and laughter.

“Me too, Kase.”

I bit my tongue. I lied – I actually wouldn’t mind sitting through traffic like that again.

********

We walked to the S.S.E. and rode the elevator to the third floor where most of the multimedia cluster organizations were. I told Kasey she could rest inside my car or somewhere on campus when we arrived, but she insisted on joining me even though I told her I’d take long. I wanted to give her time to collect herself, given she still looked a bit worn-down. That, and I didn’t want her to feel left out since I didn’t know if she was familiar anyone in my club – well, except for one person, but I’m not sure if he’s even there at this time. It’s too late for her to walk out now, however, because we were just a few doors away from the room.

“Lara!”

Paul, the club president, welcomed me upon our entrance.

Heh, so he is here.

I gave him an eyebrow flash, then let my sight wander to a boy sitting on one of the tables at the far left side of the room. He was writing something on a black moleskin notebook.

“Paul,” Kasey greeted, raising her hand for a high five. From how I knew her, Kasey wasn’t about to show others that she’d been crying a few minutes ago. “You work here? I didn’t know.”

“Yeah, I do. Lara didn’t tell you?” He struck Kasey’s hand then glanced at me. I maintained my poker face and shrugged.

Pfft. Why should I?

“Does he still avoid the group?” I asked, focusing my sight on the raven haired teen who sat by himself. Paul nodded.

“Same as always. He wouldn’t join us even if we asked him to.”

I studied the environment. Most of the members were on the right side of the room, playing a game of Uno, pinning stuff on Pinterest, studying for tests, or designing things which were requested by other clubs; despite all the activity, the guy on the opposite end didn’t even seem to peek at them.

Still, huh.

“By the way, Lara, I – “

I didn’t stick around near the door. I wasn’t going to listen to much more of whatever Paul had to say. At least he could keep Kasey some company as I socialize with a certain club member.

“Yo, Dan,” I swiped his notebook away and sat on top of the table. I crossed my legs with one foot resting on top of the wooden bench. “What’s this? Homework?”

“Give that back, Lara,” he raised his voice as he tried to snatch back his assignment. I leaned backwards so that he wouldn’t be able to. Skimming through the lined pieces of paper, I figured it was his math homework, as most of the things written were equations. I sneered and his cheeks turned red.

“Cramming, are we? Anyway, numbers two and three are wrong,” I said, taking the mechanical pencil he held. “Jeez, get these right or you’ll flunk this, newbie.”

As I was about to write on the notebook, I felt the whole table move. I nearly fell off, having lost my balance, then felt something heavy land on my leg. I realized after a few seconds that I was staring at the ceiling, that Dan was lying next to me with his right leg on top of mine, and that I was no longer holding on to the pad – it was in his grasp now.

“What the heck, you idiot,” I sat up and pulled on his ear. “Are you planning to crash us to the floor? I was helping you out!”

“But I didn’t ask for your help,” he struggled to say, holding on to my wrist to push my hand away. “Don’t just write on my stuff.”

I blinked and for a while, smirked.

Not bad, kid. First time.

“Fine,” I sighed, then gestured for him to hand me the assignment. “Let me see that again so that we’d be able to correct your mistakes, stupid.”

He stared at me, squinting as he studied my face. It went on for a few more seconds.

Well, isn’t this awkward?

“Don’t waste my time. If you don’t want me to help, just say so, instead of watching me like that.”

Dan looked at me, astonished, as he sat up. “You’re being nicer to me for once, Lara.”

Everyone stifled a laugh except Kasey. She simply watched on and seemed to ask others what Dan meant. I heard Paul say in a hushed voice, “…they’re like cat and dog.”

Cat and dog is an understatement. It’s more of a deer and hunter relationship.

“So, you want me to be mean?” I snickered. “I can do that, but I’m not in the mood anymore. If you –“

As I was about to get down and walk off, Dan grabbed my wrist and put something in my palm. When I turned back to face him, he looked away.

“Can you help me out?”

Everyone who stifled a laugh earlier now had grins on their faces. A girl, who I identified to be my previous co-head, said with a thumbs up, “You did it again, Lara.”

“Whatever,” I chuckled then faced Dan. “Okay, sit down so that we can get started.”

Dan nodded and before long, we focused on mathematics. He was pretty easy to teach, as he got the concepts right away. I wondered how it was possible for an apparently fast learner like him to get that many mistakes on his first run. The professor should have been able to explain things clearer and better than I could. He was pretty timid, sure, but he wasn’t an idiot at all, despite me calling him so.

Well, one thing at a time, Lara.

While we were having the tutoring session, Kasey joined the more sociable bunch, laughing along as they watched funny videos on YouTube, like goat videos where they synced the sounds they made with a song. It looked as if she made new friends – friends who easily found ways to cheer her up, much like how Danica and the others can. Any hint of her having cried was gone and it made me happy to see her back, even by just a little.

Somehow though, part of me felt sad. I wondered how they instantly managed to make her feel better, despite knowing her in just a short amount of time. Some were showing her how Photoshop worked, creating a cartoon version of her even.

I guess the truth was, I wanted to have the ability too. The ability to make her – or anyone close to me, smile.

Maybe I do want to be emotionally invested again.