The small blade fell from Rahim's hand with a clatter, though he barely
noticed the sound. With a flash of panic he realized their was blood on
his hand and suppressed the sick feeling the swelled up in his stomach.
It was a small amount, only painting the tips of his fingers, but it was
her blood.
Adonia stood hunched over in front of him
with her long hair falling over her shoulders and shadowing her face.
Rahim's eyes focused on where her hand clutched at her side, blood
oozing between her fingers from the gash. Rahim staggered back in horror
as fear and anguish rushed through him. She let out a ragged breath as
she lifted her gaze to meet his. Her pale green eyes bored into him with
disbelief like teeth into flesh. "Rahim?"
He winced at the pain in her voice. "I never meant to-"
"Get out." Her eyes were closed now and beads of sweat rested on her face and arms.
Rahim gaped at her, searching for words, but there were none he could
say to her now. Not after this. The thought that she might die- at his
hand- flashed through his mind. As fear sank its teethe into him his
limbs began to tremble.
Adonia faltered and Rahim moved
forward toward her, but she caught her balance on a small table just as
he reached her She shoved him away with her elbow as an ornate vase from
the table hit the polished floor with a crash. "Now!" she hissed.
He wanted to throw himself at her feet, but the fierce look in her eyes chased him from the room, too afraid to look back.
He ran from the chambers they had shared as quickly as his feet would
carry him, praying that it was all only an awful dream.
Rahim couldn't even remember drawing the small blade. He had held Adonia
in his arms only moments before, his fingers playing lightly at the
ends oh her long hair. Then, she had began to speak to him of politics.
Of what it had like to be the Sovereign of Nivahl.
They both
had been raised in the outer palace among the Chosen, children brought
up and taught as potential Sovereigns. All his childhood Rahim had
dreamed, and believed, that the when the time came the Elders would
coronate him as Sovereign. Adonia would have been his loving and
supporting wife, proud that her husband had been chosen to lead her
country. When the Elders made their announcement and called out Adonia's
name, Rahim had been knocked off balance. He remembered that she had
had little interest in becoming Sovereign. While he and the other
students studied and competed to impress their teachers, Adonia
preferred to ride horses or swim in the lake. But when she stepped
forward to receive the blessing of the previous Sovereign, a man well
aged by that time, she stepped forward with the calm serenity of a
leader. Love and jealousy sprang up unanimously in Rahim's heart as he
watched her climb the marble steps from where he keeled among his peers.
His fellow rejects. As time went on his jealousy ebbed past his love
and began to saturate every nerve vein and muscle in his body. Before he
realized what he was doing it, the knife had already tasted her skin.
The halls of the inner palace were empty aside from Rahim, but he
forced himself to slow to a walk to avoid rousing suspicion as he
approached the palace doors. They were painted bright red and decorated
with the golden shapes of birds and flowers. Two guards stood vigil
before them, eying Rahim with concern.
"Master Rahim," one said, "it is late. Is something wrong?"
"No," he answered breathlessly. "I just need some fresh air. I'm not
feeling well." He ignored their questioning looks and passed through the
doors with all the calmness he could gather though his hands still
shook.
Once outside he resumed running. Through the dark he
found his way to the palace stables. He slowed as he entered, wary of
the stable-hand sleeping in the loft above, and crept past the stalls
until until he came to the one that belonged to his horse he stretched
out an unsteady hand through the dark. When his fingertips met Agrah's
shoulder, the horse gave a start, then a soft nicker as he recognized
his master's scent.
Rahim flinched as shouts rang out
from the palace and the stable hand began to stir. They would be
looking for him now, and he had to there was little time to waste. He
slipped a bridle onto Agrah and unlatched the stall with shaky hands.
Without bothering with a saddle he scrabbled onto the grey stallion's
back and dug his heels into his flanks.
He pushed Agrah
harder than he ever had before, weaving through the buildings and high
walls of the city. He did not allow Agrah to slow until they were well
out of the city and Agrah's neck was speckled with lather. Twisting in
his seat, Rahim watched the dark night behind him watching for any sign
of pursuit. The shouts had long since faded as did his fear, leaving
behind only suffocating sorrow. He leaned forward gingerly and patted
the stallion's sweat-soak neck with an exhausted sigh. They would still have a long way to travel before they could stop to rest.
As the moon rose higher into the sky and Agrah trudged on through the
dry landscape, Rahim's thoughts began to fester. In the black night all
he could see were her eyes staring at him. Accusing him. Hating him.
Suddenly he was shaken by laughter until he nearly fell from Agrah's
back. When he readjusted himself he was somber once more, startled by
his own outburst. He dragged his fingertips across his face wearily. This cant be real, he thought grimly.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hi pretzelsing here for a review,
Hello,I was recommended by a friend of mine to do your third chapter, because it was lonely and had only one review. Overall, I like the suspense that you showed in this story, the unknowing. I as every reviewer, will try to nit-pick and sort through all of the little details.
You threw us right into the action which is something that I really like, a tactic that a reader should use. Your story had a unique approach, you let us on what happened after the action(which is something that I don't often see but I like it) and the reflect thoughts of Rahim after we had made his grave error.
This is a one time mistake, a typo I think but I would just like to point it out:
You misspelled Sovereign and just notice that you have to put the i before the e. Otherwise, I don't see any grammatically incorrect words or sentences. You did a good job of editing this story before posting it, so that way, we as reviewers are freed up to just write about the content. It really helps to be picky and have perfect grammar BEFORE you publish it to this site.
I didn't really understand the irony in this statement:
If you are happy and proud of someone you do not act jealous or hurt them. What Rahim did was unforgettable and unforgivable and how could he have been happy and proud of her? It's just not logical, if you see what I mean. It doesn't fit with his description
Another thing, you ended the chapter on a sad note:
My suggestion and yes this is only a opinion is that you could have ended with something like this: ...he was only left with a suffocating sorrow, not imagining what sorrow he had caused Adonia." I want to have a desire to continue reading your chapter, and although I do I would just change that thing.
Hope that this review helps and I really encourage you to keep on writing this novel.
-pretzelsing
Thank you for your review
I will be sure to touch up the areas you mentioned.
Hello! I noticed that your third chapter was looking a little lonely in the Green Room, so I thought I'd rescue it. Obviously, I wanted to start from the beginning, so here's a review!
You've got a writing style that really does suit the type of writing you're doing. It had just the right vibe, giving a real sense that it was a high-fantasy type story (unless I'm horribly wrong, of course!) even before we really got into the action of the chapter. If you're able to keep that writing style up, you'll have a fantastic story.
Grammatically, this piece was fine - I didn't pick up any problems that other reviewers haven't already mentioned. Made the reading of it very easy. The flow was also very good, as your story didn't seem to have any clunky lines or sentences that were worded clumsily.
Only technical issue I had with it was with your final paragraph. It was pretty substantial in size, which in itself is not necessarily a problem, but because it was so much bigger than any of your previous paragraphs, it did stand out. It means that it's a bit inconsistent, and disrupts the rhythm that you've built up. You might want to split it up so that you've got a couple of shorter paragraphs so that the reader doesn't get bogged down.
You threw the reader right into the action in this chapter, which I think worked very well. Hopefully you'll gradually fill in the blanks as you go along in future chapters, as you've already started to do.
I do feel like I ought to mention the size of your chapter... chapter length tends to be a touchy issue on YWS sometimes, and obviously how long your chapters are is entirely up to you. That said, this chapter was very short. This can sometimes be very effective as a stylistic choice, but I do feel like in this case it could have been expanded. Instead of Rahim's escape being told to us in a paragraph, it could be a longer scene. Tell us how he's feeling. Describe the setting. Give him reactions to what's going on. You want the reader to share in his anxiety, so detail is your friend.
You're off to a great start, see you at chapter two!
Hi, there! Lefty here to review!
I thought this was really good. Very well written. I was pulled into the story, eyes glued from the beginning. Your descriptions are very nicely and beautifully done. Now, onto a few nitpicks:
There should be a comma before Rahim. So. "Through the black of night, Rahim reached out.
Very nitpicky here, but I think "by the time" would be better than "when" in this sentence. So, "Lather speckled Agrah's neck and shoulders by the time Rahim finally let him slow to a walk." Also, "lather" typically refers to bubbles or white foam. Sweat or perspiration would be better.
You mentioned previously that he didn't have time to bother with a saddle.
That's all! And most of that was really nitpicky, but I couldn't find much else to touch on.
Your grammar and punctuation is really, very good. I could see everything very clearly and it was an enjoyable read. When I was reading it I was thinking "this would be a really cool movie to watch." Nice job! I'll keep an eye out for chapter two. Keep writing and have a nice day!
-Lefty
Thanks for the reveiw
A little trivia, lather refers to the foam that comes from a horses mouth when it is worked hard, but I've realized a lot of people aren't familiar with the term
I'm really glad you caught the saddle thing, I didn't even think about it, haha.
Anyway, thanks again
Oh, I see. I have some knowledge with horses but not as much as you it seems! Thanks for clarifying. Have a nice day!
Hey, littlefox. Happy Review Day! Funny, I remember reviewing a previous chapter of this too. The prologue, I think? I guess this is a rewrite?
Anyway, on to the review. I liked how concise you were in this chapter. There aren't many corrections to speak of, save for a few which I'm going to present to you later. It's interesting how you shifted your view more on Rahim's side, because from what I remember that before, you were focused on Adonia during these opening bits. It provides me with a better understanding of him than your previous version, and it makes me feel for him more. Back then, I think I only felt contempt for Rahim. Good job on showing more of his character and feelings!
Now, for the corrections I was mentioning earlier, one of them is about the dialogue. You see, when you're about to put dialogue, what I know is that you have to make that a separate line, especially if it's not particularly included in the previous paragraph. What I mean here is the first paragraph. When Rahim was apologizing to Adonia, that should be separate from the paragraph itself. The other thing I spotted was a typo:
I just added the "'s".
Well, I think that's about it. Keep writing!
Thank you very much
I like the story, and I like your character Rahim, though he seems to have his inner conflicts and inner demons. It seems he stabbed Adonia in the beginning out of jealousy, which shows his prideful and jealous nature. I like the introduction of the story, (maybe there was a back story before that I missed). Nice work though, I would definitely be on the look out for future works of yours.
Favorite Part:
"The small blade fell from Rahim's hand with a clatter, though he barely noticed the sound. Adonia stood hunched in front of him, her long dark hair falling over her shoulders like waterfalls. Rahim's eyes moved down her body to where her hand clutched at the wound in her side, blood staining her fingers."
I loved the description there!
Thanks
Very nicely written. I liked the descriptions and the vocabualry. I wonder what will happen in the next chapter. It was vague enough to keep us wondering and detailed enough to keep us interested. Good job!
Readbox275
Thank you
Yo, Pink here!
Great chapter!! I'll be looking forward to new ones coming out! You have great writing skills, I can see it in my head real well(: I love how it's go so far! Great job!
9.5/10
Wow, thanks so much