"Rhea!" Adonia's bodyguard bolted upright at the sound of her voice
and sprang from her bed without a flicker of hesitation. Rhea's bedroom
lay across the hall from the Sovereign's chambers, and she was there
within seconds, her hand grasping Adonia's and her bright blue eyes
fastening to the stab-wound in Adonia's left side. Adonia's face was wet
with tears. She managed to say Rahim's name between pained sobs. A few
guards had come after Rhea, alerted by Adonia's shouts. "Fetch Adonia's
physician!" she ordered one of them who was quick to comply. To the
others, she said "find Rahim."
Rhea tore a strip of cloth from
her own clothing and pressed it to Adonia's wound to slow the bleeding.
Whatever fear she might have felt was not shown through her cool
exterior as she tried to soothe Adonia, mumbling her her that everything
would be alright.
When the physician finally came it was decided
that the wound was not too deep. So long as infection did not take
hold, The Sovereign would live. But what Rhea feared was not physical.
She wondered what darkness may begin to fester in Adonia's head after
the betrayal of her beloved husband.
When night had passed and
the first light began to pierce the sky, Rhea lay with Adonia in her
large bed, their fingers interlaced. Sleep had not come easily to
Adonia, and it never touched Rhea. When Adonia had finally fallen
asleep, Rhea's mind drifted to their childhood.
They had both
been raised in the palace, as well as Rahim. While Rahim and Adonia
lived as students, raised as potential Sovereigns among a handful of
other students, Rhea was learning to fight. She was not as large or
strong as the group made up almost entirely of men, but she was faster
than than and had a viciousness in combat that earned her the nickname
of Viper within the group. Her teachers had been eager to hone the
skills they saw in her and rarely allowed her free time, but when they
gave her a break she was usually with Adonia who was only two years
younger. Adonia had easily become like a sister to Rhea.
When the
time came for the council to choose a Sovereign from the students,
Adonia was coronated. At the same time Rhea had become a master with her
two blades and Adonia did not hesitate in choosing her as her
bodyguard.
With the morning light Rhea carefully rose from the
bed without stirring Adonia, her cheeks still damp from endless streams
of tears. She stood for a moment watching Adonia sleep. She reminded
herself that the wound would heal with time, but Rhea could not brush
away the worry that gathered like greasy smoke inside of her chest. When I get a hold of Rahim....
Her fists clenched so tightly that her fingernails dug into her skin.
She had always taken it for granted that Rahim would protect Adonia when
night fell. She was ashamed of how easy she slept at night, without any
worry for the Sovereign's safety. Rhea tore her gaze away from Adonia
and walked silently from the room.
She found Ajax, a young
officer with dark blonde hair and blue-green eyes, talking with his
older brother, General Haemon, in the entrance hall of the palace.
"How could you lose him?" Haemon demanded from his brother.
Ajax shook his head with frustration. "It was pitch black out there,
we couldn't find any sign of him," he said. Exhaustion was evident in
his voice. "The sun is rising now, we will set out again with a larger
search party to find him."
They both turned to see Rhea approaching
them, her gaze electrifying. "I want him found as soon as possible," she
stared expectantly at Ajax, who cringed slightly at the sharpness of
her voice.
"Rahim could be anywhere by now," he said.
For
moment she looked as if she would strike him, but instead she turned on
her heel. "Put a bounty on him if you must," she called over her
shoulder as she walked away briskly.
They both stared after her,
slightly stunned. Rhea had always been rather stone-faced as well as
tacit. Seeing her so fired up was enough to put anyone on edge. Never
before had either of the men seen her show more expression than a
softening or hardening of her face, but then never before had the
Sovereign been hurt either.
Rhea considered going out herself to
find Adonia's husband, but she could not will herself to leave Adonia
alone for that long. She hurried back to Adonia's chamber so that she
would be there to help a any moment Adonia needed her.
-
A week passed and Rahim was not found, despite Ajax's best efforts to
track him. Adonia's wound had been steadily healing, but her health
deteriorated anyway. Her once caramel-colored skin paled, her strong
arms and legs became weak, and her eyes lost their determined luster.
She slept little, ate little, and spoke little. Rhea spent almost every
hour at Adonia's beside trying to coax her from her depressed state.
Little by little, Adonia recovered, but Rhea still yearned to make Rahim pay. I will be sure to see that he is greeted by the headsman when he is returned.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hello pretzelsing here for a review of your chapter 2,
I really liked your story and how you showed Adonia's depression, gradually throughout this story. I agree with the others, it did surprise that the Sovereign Adonia's body guard would be woman. What about if Rhea was a close friend or servant?For me it seems unusual that there was a woman bodyguard to a queen or ruling person. When I think of a bodyguard I also think of this big and strong man that has big muscles and really knows how to fight and protect.
In this line:
I think that this is too intimate for a bodyguard to do to her master. Servants and bodyguards don't sleep in the same bed that their masters do.I found this a little bit inappropriate and it was just very uncomfortable here.
I also really liked how you described Rhea's sharpness but I think that you could have been a little bit more forceful here:
I would add something like: "They could see the fury and determination in Rhea's eyes. She rudely stomped out of the room and slammed the door forcefully so it made a loud bang!"
Try to show not tell the effects and motions of Rhea's madness. That will help.
If you did that then you should make the reaction of the guards me even more astonishing, like they were very and truly astounded!
I really like your last sentence, you ended with the hatred-like thoughts of Rhea. It made me want to read more and more and the next part of your story.Will Adonia's ex-husband get killed or not? It make me curious and thirsty for more.
I really hope that this review helps and I encourage you to keep on writing!
-pretzelsing
I really appreciate this review in particular because it put me on a train a thought that has given me some great ideas. Thanks a bunch!
Me again!
Okay, we're meeting new characters and learning a bit more about the world here, which is great. You've already had two great reviews that have dealt with most of the technically stuff, so I thought I'd talk about certain aspects of the story.
I have a massive love for really strong female friendships in novels, and you've given some clues that there might just be a friendship between Adonia and Rhea that I'm going to love. We can already see that there's a really strong bond and devotion between them, and it makes me really excited to see how you continue to show and develop the relationship between the two of them.
I think I have to mention Rhea, because she already seems like she's going to be an awesome character. As for the other reviwers' comments re: her being a bodyguard, I liked it, and from what you've shown of her so far found it a believable premise. That said, I do think you ought to include some back story, whether about her or, if female bodyguards are common in this society, about why she's a bodyguard. In general, a little backstory, in the right amounts, can add a lot to the story, because it gives context, as well as giving the reader more clues about the characters' motivations.
Something I wasn't all that fond of was the way you told us that Adonia was healing. Hate to quote the 'show don't tell' rule, but I think you could have created some brilliant scenes showing Adonia healing physically, as well as dealing with the emotional repurcussions. It felt like too much of a summary, and I do feel like it ought to have been expanded a bit.
Detail and description was good, but I think you need more.
Another well-written chapter. Might not be able to get to chapter 3 till tomorrow, but see you then!
Thank you so much for your reviews! I'm really happy you like it so far.
Hi, there! Lefty here to review chapter two! I was excited when I spotted this in the green room, and glad to see it posted so quickly too. Anyway, onto the review!
I was a little surprised that her bodyguard is a woman, considering it's traditionally a man since they generally seem to be built larger and stronger, but as I read on it seemed to work and I actually quite liked it. It's always nice when things are different from expected or different from the norm. It would be pretty fun to see Rhea kick some butt at some point, really showing us how awesome of a bodyguard she is. By the way, I am totally for women doing mens jobs-in my story the main character is a girl fighter-but I only mentioned that because I couldn't think of any woman bodyguard characters! Weird, huh? So, that's awesome that you've put one into your story.
I also wanted to mention that I really like the names that you chose. Adonia, Rhea, Ajax. It's interesting and different without being unpronounceable. I like that. I also really like the name Adonia because it's similar to a name I came up with years ago, Amdonia, except that is the name of an island.
Anyway, now onto a few nitpicks:
mumbling to her that everything...
Very nitpicky, but I think heels would be better.
Also very nitpicky, but I think "away" and "briskly" should be switched to sound a little better. So, "she called over her shoulder as she walked briskly away."
at not a.
Bedside not beside.
That's it! I really couldn't find much to fix and two of those were really nitpicky while the others were just little typos. Nice job!
When you mentioned that Rahim was her husband, that put a nice little spin on the story. In the first chapter I had pictured them at boyfriend/girlfriend and as teenagers. But the fact that they are married adds a whole new level to their relationship and lets us know that they are a bit older.
You write very nicely. Besides the fact that your grammar and punctuation is nearly perfect, your writing flows super smooth and a lot of your sentences are very beautifully written. Very nice job. I don't mention that often in my reviews. Your story also has a good feel and I can see what's happening very clearly.
I'd love to help you out with advice when it comes to your authors note, but I'm not quite sure how. I don't know what plans you have for the story and since this is just chapter two, it hasn't gotten very far into the plot. But I will say this... Don't beat yourself up about it! It was a good, decent chapter and there are so many different ways it could go that I'm really looking forward to what will happen next. Remember, if you continue writing this, you can always come back and change this chapter later. I wish you the best of luck and keep writing! Have a nice day and happy new year!
-Lefty
Thanks so much! I really appreciate the review
you've given me some inspiration to get my lazy butt in gear and get the next chapter up soon!
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
I haven't read any of the previous chapters, but will just be going off of what I see here. Hope you don't mind. ^^
Before I go into the actual meat of a review, I would to comment on how you did your author's note. Normally, since you don't want to confuse your note with any of your actual work, you would place the text Author's note in bold and then have the author's note preceding put into italics. When I was first reading through I was counting your author's note along with the actual story, and then after the fourth read through I figured it out. Silly me, I know. To avoid simpletons like me, making that mistake, it would be a good idea to have the author's note in bold and italics.
I know this may seem a bit sexist, but this bodyguard is a woman? This may just be me not knowing the storyline, but why a woman? Obviously when looking at the physical side of things, a woman isn't the logical choice. And I know that sounds pretty, well sexist, but it is the truth. A woman isn't capable, naturally, of what a man is. We just aren't. I think it might be a more realistic choice if you have a man as her bodyguard, but that's of course up to you.
Also, if you want to keep it a woman... What kind of a bodyguard is she then? This girl that she is protecting just got injured by her husband, I'm guessing at least, and she wakes up to the sound of her screaming her name? Wouldn't there have been a bit of a scuffling beforehand or something? She should have heard something, or at least suspected.
While I am saying this, I do understand that I could be wrong in all of this, if I am missing an important part of your story. Just a couple of thoughts that I'm throwing out there.
Quick to comply? That's pretty confusing sounding, if you don't my saying it. xD What about quick to obey, or something like that. It will sound less confusing.
More of a focus needs to be put on her wound. She just got cut, and this is basically all the description that you gave us for her physical state, other than she is crying as well. How about some detail? Something gruesome would be a good idea, if you think it fits your book. Or maybe some sensory description would be good here. Do you think it would be good for us to get a feel of the smell of the blood possibly. Is there blood coming from her wound and dripping all over her bed. What exactly does everything look like when it comes to this cut?
YES, I love this. It shows true emotion through your dialogue.
Even though he probably isn't a very main character, I would have to say that his description is just as important as the rest. A bit of advice to you. Don't grocery list characters physical aspects. For one, they don't give a good feel to the character. And two, they don't give a very good description when put in that fashion. If you go, so and so had brown hair, grey eyes, and a rustic tan, we'd be going ewwww. But if we went further into the description and maybe brought up some detail that would normally be lost, such as a person has a mole or maybe his eyes are just incredibly piercing. Blah blah, I hope you get the picture. What I mean is that you have to get a good picture, using sensory description and the like. Make sense? If it doesn't, I'll explain further.
This is technically not a run-on and technically it is. If you're using about three commas in a sentence, you have a pretty safe bet that it's a run-on. This isn't a run-on, but you're using four commas. If I were you, I'd suggest taking this sentence, dissecting it, and making it into two. Eh?
Comma after Rahim.
Okay, and I think that's it from me for now.
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Thank you so much for the review, I really appreciate it.
Hopefully I can get it into better shape!