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Young Writers Society



Bloody Nails--- 3

by Eros


Chapter 3: GnS Detective.

They heaved a sigh of relief. 

"N-n-now? H-h-he will come b-back!!" Gothy screamed with terror. Lamarch and Darwin held his shoulders and asked him to relax. Richie stood up and turned on the lights. Lamarch, Darwin and Gothy blowed off the candles. Richie started pacing across the hall. 

"Now what to do?" He murmured to himself.

Everyone arched their eyebrows in worry and looked at Richie.

"Jeriko!" Exclaimed Richie.

"Woohoo!" Lamarch hooted.

"That's a great idea. We'll go tomorrow morning, done?" Gothy saw a feeble ray of hope.

Darwin showed a thumbs up.

The next morning, they gathered up at Gothy's house as Jeriko's office was near from there. They got in Darwin's car and they drove off to Jeriko's office. 

Gothy who was sitting with Lamarch on the back seat, anxiously said, "I hope he'll solve the problem,"

Darwin was puffing out a cloud of smoke, and trying to comfort everyone said he, "Umff, just have trust on Jeriko. He'll solve it." He was driving the car with a cigarette in his left hand. He was sort of addicted to the good feeling he got as he smoked something, either a weed or a cigarette.

Half an hour later they arrived at Jeriko's office. The office was a small glass cabin attached to a laboratory. A board was hung outside,

"JERIKO, THE GnS-DETECTIVE"

GnS stood for Ghost N (and) Spirits.

Jeriko was a well known detective, famous for having caught many fierce ghosts like Scavabone--- the scavenger like ghost who ate humans after removing their bones (scav a-bone) and Hairloveedo--- who loved to make wigs out of human hair for skeletons. Fabricozombie was a zombie who worked in collaboration with the spirit, Hairloveedo.

Fabricozombie would stitch clothes for the skeletons out of human skins. He was an expert in doing so. He would make shirts out of fair coloured skins of humans and make designs on it with the brown or black skin. He along with Hairloveedo would together organize a fashion show of their skeleton models in the Ghostland Of King Sawdent, entertaining the King and the other fellow supernatural spectators, including the zombies and the vampires and the witches.

It was sad for the Ghostland that Hairloveedo, Fabricozombie and Scavabone were the captives of Jeriko the great ghost detective. 

At the gate of Jeriko's office was a little scanner that scanned the visitors for confirmation of the clients entering were humans and not ghost or supernatural creatures.

They entered the cabin and met Jeriko. He was a close friend of Richie. Actually it was Jeriko who gifted him the Ouija Board. They shook hands with each other and Darwin and Gothy sat on the chairs. There were four chairs for clients that matched the the mahogany desk, polished in purplish brown... even and smooth. Richie and Lamarch preferred to stand for sometime and free their legs, after sitting for so long during the journey.

"Heheyy Richie!" pushing the black, glass rimmed spectacle upwards on his nose, "How're you doing?" continued the lanky geeky guy dressed in a brown tunic. He stood up from the chair, putting the black, slick pen down on the notepad over the table.

Jeriko moved closer towards Richie who was standing in front of the desk. Richie hugged Jeriko and enthusiastically greeted, "Jeriko!"

Richie hung his head down in worry. He continued, "We are in a trouble, Jerico." He paused for a second and turned around as he didn't want his tears to be spotted by anyone. He got emotional on the idea that one of his three best friends would be losing life soon, if he didn't do something. He was lost for a few seconds in his thoughts, "It's fine if the ghost takes my life. But--my innocent friends?" He shook his head and continued, "Remember the Ouija Board you gifted me?"

The room was silent and no one uttered a single word. Jeriko answered him with grave seriousness,"Yes! I do."

"We were playing with it last night and the ghost said he was free since a long time," Richie looked back at Jeriko, "And he has resolved to kill," he paused, "Someone of my friends."

"Oh! Did you ask the Ghost's name?"

"We did." Lamarch extended his palm out, gesturing as he was explaining, "But he refused and said he won't tell until we know each other better."

"Hmm. That's a serious matter, but don't you worry, guys," Jeriko pulled the hat down, covering his forehead, "I have a great plan for you." Jeriko told the plan to the boys of the age range 18-20. 

"Awesome! We'll begin the plan from tomorrow itself." said Darwin.

A/N : They act on the plan from the next chapter... Till then, keep reading and hope you are enjoying! ;) 


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Mon Nov 12, 2018 12:23 am
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Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Eros. Casanova here to do another review for you.

My first thought when I read this is that it went by... Too slow and yet was somehow acted out too fast?

One of my main things was that in the previous chapter they asked for five more minutes and then the ghost said he would be back, and yet this is the next day so that confused me just a little bit unless I missed something between the two or something. Anyway, onward.

Your on with the stuttering again, so at this point I have to ask whether that character has a natural stutter or whether he's a scaredy cat, or something of the sort, because he's fond of the stuttering.

Another thing is the mentioning, randomly, of Jeriko. Like,there's no in between panic, there's no momentarily lapse of judgment of freaking out that one of them has to die, or anything. It's straight forward as heck, which doesn't seem as natural. Panic in situations, especially kids, is completely natural, and yet even though one of them cried, there's nothing else to go on but that.

The dialogue is like the previous two chapters, so I won't touch up on that.

Anyway I see where the overall plot is going, and although It's not my cup of tea, I can see it going places with some work.

That's all I have for this one and I hope it helped.

Keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, Casanova




Eros says...


Thank you so much for the review... Yeah the character is a scaredy cat and that makes him stutter a lot



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Sat Sep 22, 2018 12:41 am
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello hello!! Here to bring this out of the green room for you! :D
I've reviewed for you before so you know I focus less on nitpicks and grammar stuff and more on big picture things.

I obviously don't have much context for the plot here but what I'm gathering is that these friends used a Ouija board and now a ghost is going to kill someone in their group, they obviously don't want that to happen, so they're consulting with this Jerico guy to prevent it from happening. Cool idea! Very real stakes and there is a lot of drama you can naturally bring into this kind of plot :)

My biggest note for this chapter is that too much happens and it moves too quickly. When you're planning a chapter or a scene, try to summarize what's going to happen in one sentence. If you can't, there's probably too much happening and you should probably cut it into more than one scene. That way you have the space to develop each scene and really show your reader what is going on rather than flying through each moment. You don't need to show every single moment, just the moments that will drive the plot forward (with some transitions to strengthen character development along the way).

So in this chapter, I think you could break this into two scenes. One, where they're freaking out and worried about what they're going to do and they can formulate the plan to go visit Jerico. This would be more of a transition scene and one where you could really dive into character development. You wouldn't necessarily have to show how they get to Jerico unless that develops the characters in some way, shows the world in some new way, or something plot worthy happens along the way. If you divide it up a little more that will give you the space to dive deeper into each scene and do a lot more telling and a lot more description so the reader can really get into and invest in this interesting plot!

Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! I think you have an interesting idea here and I hope you keep working on this story :D




Eros says...


Thank you so much, Carlito!! I got the point... Character development and breaking the scenes .. thank you so much such a helpful and inspiring review!!



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Wed Aug 22, 2018 11:08 am
TheWeirdoFromBeyond wrote a review...



This is Weirdo, here for a review. Please know that nothing in this review is meant to offend you or your story. This is just my opinion, you and other readers and reviewers could disagree. That being said, let us get into this review.

Grammar/Typos/Word check/Spell check/Sentence formation

Jeriko was a well known detective, famous for having caught many fierce ghosts like Scavabone--- the scavenger like ghost who ate humans after removing their bones (scav a-bone) and Hairloveedo--- who loved to make wigs out of human hair for skeletons.

*well-known
*scavenger-like

At the gate of Jeriko's office was a little scanner that scanned the visitors for confirmation of the clients entering were humans and not ghost or supernatural creatures.

*ghosts

Actually it was Jeriko who gifted him the Ouija Board.

*Actually, it

There were four chairs for clients that matched the the mahogany desk, polished in purplish brown... even and smooth.

*the the mahogany
*purplish-brown

What else?
What I have said before
  • Long sentences
  • Ending quotations without comma when supposed to add one
  • Lack of description
  • No character progression
  • More dialogue than description
All applies here, except for the long sentences thing.

Some suggestions
Ending quotations without comma when supposed to add one
example
"We did." Lamarch extended his palm out, gesturing as he was explaining, "But he refused and said he won't tell until we know each other better."

When you have a quotation followed by 'so and so person said', you add a comma before you close the inverted commas. If you find this confusing, you can always search the internet.

Lack of description & More dialogue than description
So, here there is a car ride, and I'm guessing they are tense during it since if Jeriko doesn't figure something out, one of them will be dead. You can talk about how silent the ca ride was, and explain their thought process. This is just an example, there are many more opportunities you can use to give more description.

No character progression
I don't feel attached to the characters as a reader yet, like they are just strangers who are not revealing anything about themselves at all. Mention small things in between, maybe their likes, dislikes. It depends on what information you think will make them better. When it comes to readers, flaws can make characters more loveable.

Hope this helps, looking forward to more of Bloody Nails.
-Weirdo :D




Eros says...


hmm.... okay... I will try to add some now, in the next chapter or edit this one... flaws.
lol actually, English being the second language, makes it difficult to write and express things





Can relate, had some serious trouble at the starting of my school since the first language of my school is English and I wasn't fluent in it when I was younger lol



Eros says...


LOL YEAH!! I had lot of trouble at my school too! English was first language of my school too...




"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
— Dr. Seuss