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Young Writers Society



Bloody Nails--- 2

by Eros


Chapter 2: Existence.

There they were. Sitting in a circle in the middle of the dimly lit hall, on the spooky carpet, with Ouija Board in the centre. They clutched each others' hands and Richie started chanting, "Is there any spirit around us?" 

Everyone repeated in chorus.

"Is there anyone around us?" Richie raised up his voice. Everyone repeated. Suddenly the candles started to flicker. Richie asked everyone to close their eyes. Gothy was scared at the flickering of candles and he tightened the grip of his hands holding Darwin and Lamarch's palms. He shut his eyes tightly. Lamarch was still in doubt whether spirits and ghosts really existed, but he was enjoying the game. Darwin was almost asleep and didn't care about whatever was happening around him. Perhaps it was the effect of the two-three drags of weed that actually extended to eight drags, saying, "Just one more, just ONNNE more." Richie was the only one who was completely lost, getting devoted into calling the spirits. 

"Is there--" he felt a strong magnetic force around him and felt the presence of someone. He felt as if someone was staring at his face. He pressed his hands, digging his nails in the palms of Darwin and Lamarch. It was a signal to open their eyes slowly. Lamarch passed the message to Gothy, who was still in doubt as to why wasn't he getting any message from Darwin. Darwin didn't care to pass the message, he was trying to conserve the limited energy left in him after smoking the weed. 

Everyone opened their eyes and looked straight at the Ouija Board. The little triangular wooden piece, resembling a cursor started to move towards the right upper corner of the spooky wooden rectangular board with alphabets from A-Z and numbers from 0-9 painted in black, bold and fat font. The wooden board was pale yellowish in colour. On the right upper corner was a "YES" and on the left was, "NO". The cursor made its way through the board and stopped at the "YES".

Everyone gaped at the board with wide eyes. Gothy was shivering slightly. There were goosebumps on Darwin's hands, while Lamartch was still wondering id it was just a trick played by Richie. He felt a possibility of the cursor having a hidden piece of iron and Richie moving it with a magnet. Richie's curiosity overpowered his fear and decided to take the next step.

Richie closed his eyes again. Lamarch and Darwin did the same. Gothy gasped and quickly closed his eyes tightly. Gothy looked like a stupid, goofy little kid afraid of even the funniest little supernatural creatures. Gothy was shortest of the four, with a healthy built up, not lean like Richie, nor hefty like Darwin, somewhat like Lamarch---in between.

"Can we know your name?" Richie spoke out, again everyone followed. They repeated again. The same force was again felt by Richie. It was stronger than before and it was felt by all the four this time.

They slowly opened their eyes and saw the cursor moving towards the left upper corner, "NO"

They became sure of the presence of the spirit around and slowly leaft each other's hands. Richie told everyone that they may ask the questions they want to.

"May we know the reason, why can't we know your name?" asked Lamarch, who was still not sure about the presence of the ghost.

Slowly the cursor moved through the alphabets, and Lamarch read the letters aloud.

"B...ECA--USEID,U sorry O...NTKNOWYOUGUYSWELL... Because I don't know you guys...uh..well?"

"O--Okay" He continued.

"How many years ago were you dead?" asked Darwin. 

"IWASN'TDEADIWASKILLED...I--I wasn't dead... I was, KILLED?"

The cursor mocved towards, "YES."

"H-how and ..and wh-who k-k-killed you?" Gothy asked, trembling with the idea that he was talking to a ghost.

"IWASHANGEDTODEATHFORKILLING10PEOPLE ... I was hanged to death for WHAT! You killed ten people!?"

the cursor stopped at "YES"

"Okay--oo-okay... We are finished with the questions. It's 10 o' clock and we need to stop the game now. Please, you may leave." Darwin requested, joining his chocolate colour hands.

The cursor stopped at "NO". It further said,

"IAMFREESINCEALONGTIMEIWILLKILLSOMEONEOFYOUFOUR!"

"Please leave!" Gothy burst into tears. His lips were quivering like a kid unwlling to go to school. His red, curly, fluffy hair made his round and fair face look so innocent. He was fair, but not as much fair as Richie. 

"NO" was the reply from the ghost.

"IWILLNOTLEAVEUNLESSIKILLSOMEONE" 

After half an hour of pleading and requesting and begging the ghost to leave and let them live freely, they saw the curtains swaying crazily and the light emitted by the candles was getting dim. It was pretty dark in the room and Lamarch was almost invisible in the darkness. He was trembling with fear. His trembling made Gothy even more afraid and he started crying, sobbing heavily. Darwin thought he was hallucinating and cared little about it. Richie was getting tensed as everyone's safety was primarily his responsibility as the board was his, the place was his and the idea too was his.

There was a loud sound of lightening and thunder. The rain was hitting the window panes behind the swaying curtains hard. There were shadows in the room. There was the shadow of the table, shadows of the boy's hands and head and the rain was making wild noise. 

Suddenly Darwin's jaw dropped open as he pointed towards the wall. Everyone screamed when they saw a fifth shadow on the wall. They realized that the ghost really existed. Now Lamarch believed it wasn't any trick played by Richie, and Darwin was no longer careless about things happening in his surrounding.

They requested five more minutes and the board said,

"IAMGOINGFORNOWBUTIWILLCOMEBACK" And the shadow slowly disappeared from the wall.


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Mon Nov 12, 2018 12:16 am
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Casanova wrote a review...



heya, Eros. Casanova here to do another review for you, as promised. Anyway, onward.

On the character development I mentioned last time I really don't see much change besides one of the guys crying, which doesn't say much besides he was afraid. What I'm seeing here is a weegee board gone wrong(I know the spelling is inaccurate), but beyond that it doesn't give the vibe I figured an encounter with the supernatural. Like when the guy first feels the force and moves the curser. And average reaction would be the others to tell him to stop trying to scare them, and when they all feel the presence, especially at the killing part, would them freaking out- not continuing with the game unless they have to.

Another thing I found in distaste was the way you described how the supernatural ghost or whatever spoke- the letters all together. Why not just space them out since everyone knew what he was saying- instead of the reader trying to piece out which of the words were there and which wasn't by the letters.

Another thing, again, was the dialogue, which just seemed completely phoned in- which I dislike in most literary works. People think it sounds good in their head, but when read aloud, it doesn't sound natural in any sense. In my opinion, good dialogue is part of the hardest piece of a literary work, and something that should be reconsidered a lot.

Anyway, I think that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped. Keep on keeping on, and have a great day!

Sincerely, Casanova




Eros says...


Thank you so much for the review!! <3



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Sat Sep 15, 2018 4:18 am
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Mea wrote a review...



Hey there, Eos! I'm here to give you a quick review today!

I definitely thought this was interesting! I like how we're right in the middle of a suspenseful moment already and it's only chapter 2. That moment when the ghost said "no" to leaving was definitely scary.

One thing I did have trouble with was keeping track of all the characters. You switch focus between them a lot, and I wasn't always sure who each of them were. You do a good job of trying to point out contrasts between them, but sometimes it feels a little awkward, and it might work better if you just focus on one or two characters for this section, and show the other characters only through the eyes of the viewpoint character.

But really, I think my biggest critique here had to do with the ending. It felt like a letdown to me. You build up all this tension from the beginning of the scene, first because it's an unknown spirit, and then because we know the spirit wants to kill one of them, and that definitely kept my attention, but then he just leaves? Why? And why listen to the group pleading for this long? Why not just kill one of them right away and be done with it? Logically, shouldn't they be safe now, and not try it again because it's dangerous?

Of course, since this is a story, I'm guessing they will try it again, but do you see why ending the chapter like this doesn't really leave the reader much reason to keep reading? All the tension was gone, at least for me. It might be better to end the chapter right when the ghost announces that he's going to kill one of them.

I think that about wraps up my thoughts on this - again, I really like how you draw us in with an interesting and intriguing scene, and how each of the characters have different reactions to the ghost. Good luck with this story, and keep writing!




Eros says...


Thank you so much!!



Mea says...


Your very welcome! Glad it was helpful. :D



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Wed Aug 22, 2018 9:41 am
TheWeirdoFromBeyond wrote a review...



This is Weirdo, here for a review. Please know that nothing in this review is meant to offend you or your story. This is just my opinion, you and other readers and reviewers could disagree. That being said, let us get into this review.

Grammar/Typos/Word check/Spell check/Sentence formation

The little triangular wooden piece, resembling a cursor started to move towards the right upper corner of the spooky wooden rectangular board with alphabets from A-Z and numbers from 0-9 painted in black, bold and fat font.

*in a black, bold and fat font.
Also, this sentence is very long. Shorter sentences help the reader follow the story better.

Everyone gaped at the board with wide eyes. Gothy was shivering slightly. There were goosebumps on Darwin's hands, while Lamartch was still wondering id it was just a trick played by Richie.

*Lamarch
*if
again, long sentence

They became sure of the presence of the spirit around and slowly leaft each other's hands. Richie told everyone that they may ask the questions they want to.

*left

"May we know the reason, why can't we know your name?"

Remove the comma and interchange the position of 'can't' and 'we'

The cursor mocved towards, "YES."

*moved

"Please leave!" Gothy burst into tears. His lips were quivering like a kid unwlling to go to school.

*unwilling

There was a loud sound of lightening and thunder.

*lightning

What else?
There isn't a lot of progression on characters, try mentioning more things that give them more backstory.

Here,
Everyone gaped at the board with wide eyes. Gothy was shivering slightly. There were goosebumps on Darwin's hands, while Lamartch was still wondering id it was just a trick played by Richie. He felt a possibility of the cursor having a hidden piece of iron and Richie moving it with a magnet. Richie's curiosity overpowered his fear and decided to take the next step.

Now, I get why Lamarch thought this could be a trick, but he just jumped to the conclusion it could be a magnet. Normally, the thought of using a magnet is not one of the obvious ones in this scenario. Did they have a history where Richie had fooled them before, and magnets were involved?

Also, this has a lot of resemblance to an episode in the series Adaalat, was that an inspiration for your story?

Hope this review helps and looking forward to reviewing more from you.
-Weirdo :D




Eros says...


OMG ..I wasn't aware of so many typos lol

Did they have a history where Richie had fooled them before, and magnets were involved?
It's just that Lamarch doens't believe in superstitions and spirits and ghosts and such things ...

Lol no... I was such a scaredy cat that I never ever watched Adaalat. I mean, I am still a scaredy cat. They actually show the murder happening in that TV show. I watched it once, the episode of a magician killer, who kills someone with his sword. Gosh. The sounds and all was super scary and I never again watched it. Looool I must be sounding so goofy lol lol lol




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