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Bloody Nails--- 1

by Eros


Chapter 1: Adventure begins.

The summer sun was glaring at the teens who gathered in the parking lot of Richie's apartment. 

"Oh, man! It's so hot," said Richie as he threw the cricket bat down.

"Yeah, dude! It's scorching the ground---"said Darwin but Lamarch interrupted, "...and my skin."

"Lamarch, why do you care about your beauty and looks as much as a girl?" Gothy mocked lightly.

"I would suggest you to do the same, Gothy, or else it will take no time for you to become as round as a football," Lamarch replied humorously.

"Guys, stop fighting now" Lamarch forwned, "Is this how we will waste our precious holidays?"

"Guys, guys, guys!" Richie clapped to gain attention.

"I got a-----"he continued but soon was interrupted.

Lamarch guessed, "New i-phone," broadening his chest in confidence. His voice was sweet, of course it has to be sweet to be a great singer. His way of playing guitar was as beautiful as his singing.

"No!" Richie replied, shattering Lamarch's confidence into thousands of pieces like glass.

Then Darwin, "Passes for Football match!?"

"No!! I---"

"Free coupons for The Great Garden Hotel!?" Gothy couldn't think of anything except food.

"No, no, NO!!" Richie was getting irritated now.

"Then what?" Lamarch, Darwin and Gothy asked in chorus.

"I got an ... Ouija booooarrd..." His deep voice trailed off in mystery and excitement.

"That's GREAT!" All the boys screamed with happiness. Afterall their dead, boring holidays were going to get alive with the thrill.

They made up the plan and decided to meet at Richie's apartment.

"So we'll meet here in the parking and we'll go together at my room here, 7:30 tonight." declared Richie.

Everyone nodded and left, while Richie went upstairs, at his home to set everything up.

At 7:30 pm everyone gathered and Richie took them upstairs with him.

Richie cleared his throat and said, "So. Are...you... ready!? Is anyone AFRAID?"

Gothy almost jumped when Richie said "afraid" loudly.

"No!" Lamarch was confident.

"Not me either!" Darwin's dark black eyes twinkled with fun.

"N-not me---" Gothy shrugged his shoulders, but deep inside he was too afraid. But again, he didn't want anyone, specially Lamarch to mock at him so he acted as if he was enjoying everything.

Richie opened the door of his house. Pale yellow light flashed up on their faces as they stepped in. Gothy was about to switch the lights on, when everyone yelled at him, asking him not to spoil the mood by doing so.

The aroma of candles filled the air and they took their positions around the Ouija Board. 

They were sitting still with little candles all around the room. The windows were closed and the curtains veiled the glass panes. There was a deadly silence in the room and the only thing making noise was the fan rotating above their head.

The strange thing to be observed was that Bozo, Richie's neighbour's dog was not barking that evening. It was 7:48 and Bozo usually barked at the time after having his appetite. The old man said it was the dog's way of thanking him for the food. 

Richie explained, "Don't make any unnecessary noise," he touched his slightly highlighted and spiked hair habitually, "Be calm and do not insult the board or the spirit." 

Gothy's stomach growled with hunger. He blushed awkwardly. They decided to have some snacks before beginning the game.

Lamarch's fingers reached for the potato chips, "Do spirits really exist?" He asked.  He was quite dark in complexion that made him half-invisible in the dimly lit room. 

"Maybe" Gothy whispered. 

"Don't question a ghost about proving its existence once we start the game." Richie cautioned everyone.

"Nothing gets completed without a joint of weed" Darwin removed a joint from the pocket of his white shirt. The light coloured clothes that he preferred to wear suited his chocolate brown skin colour very well.

"He will never change." Richie said as he shook his head.

"Plee don' get ttoned", Gothy's mouth was full of chips,"Od inttead of cawing the ppirit, we'll haddoo get yo' high down." 

"Fine, I won't get stoned, just a drag or two." Darwin smoked the weed.

It was 9 and they decided not make further delays.


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Mon Nov 12, 2018 12:08 am
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Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Eros. I promised you a portfolio review, then got busy with work and stuff, and now I'm in a review competition so I'll be hitting this now. So, anyway, on to the review.

One thing I despise about reading literary works is the way the dialogue is. One is I would suggest a rating bump for the usage of weed, but anyway.

This entire chapter focuses on dialogue, and that's not necessarily a good thing. I would suggest implementing other ways of communication, and using other methods to describe things. What I mean by this is looking around the room, describing the room, describing the people, and using other ways to get your point across while giving the reader much more detail than just through the characters words. We don't get character development through just words. Honestly words can usually go against what a persons personality is, so that's why anything like body language, faces, clothing, and actions are needed to accurately portray what a character is actually like. And I mean something more than just eating and smoking weed. Anyway, onward.

Another thing I found is your fond of ellipses, stuttering, and exclamation points, in which I'd rather see something more, as using both methods of pause can ultimately become redundant over time.

There's not much on the story here for me to actually comment, so i'll wait on that. This is up to you to change and completely up to you, you don't even have to listen to me in any sense, and it's completely your choice.

I hope this help, and have a great day.


Keep on keeping on,
Sincerely, Casanova




Eros says...


Thank you so much, Casanova! I really loved the review ...it is indeed very helpful and I will definitely edit this on because I agree about the dialogues part from my heart ... Thanks for the review!!



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Sun Sep 02, 2018 1:07 am
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zaminami wrote a review...



Hello Eros! This is zaminami with a review as requested! Sorry it took so long. I was waiting for RevMo lol :P

So first of all, through reading this, I noticed that you have a lot of grammar issues. However, Weirdo got most of them specifically. I just wanted to help you here:

  1. When you stop in the middle of dialogue to insert an action, you don’t do it in the dialogue itself. Here is a good article talking about the mechanics of dialogue.
  2. Whenever you have a new piece of dialogue, you start it with a new paragraph except for a few special cases. I would recommend browsing that site that I put above—it’s really really good for dialogue help. It’s probably the best site that I’ve seen in a while for writing. Therefore, instead of saying:

    ”Yeah, dude! It’s scorching the ground—” said Darwin but Lamarch interrupted, “...and my skin.”



    (And I’ll correct the other grammar while I’m at it)

    ”Yeah dude! It’s scorching the ground!” Darwin started. He was about to say something else, but Lamarch interrupted him.

    “And my skin.”


    ^ Like that. Of course, it’ll be in your own writing style, but you get the idea.
  3. You have many tense changes. I dole out this advice a lot, but I would recommend reading it out loud to yourself. This’ll make sure that you can pick out the tense changes easily and then fix them.
  4. There are so many comma splices. Use semicolons instead. Look at the link below to catch them all!

    Image
  5. You have a lot of typos. Again, read out loud to find them. Weirdo got most of them below, but I want to make sure that you get them all! :) I also think that “i-phone” could be a typo (it’s spelled “iPhone”), but I’m not sure.
  6. You know what? I think that you could use this website. It is probably the best thing to find some typos and even tense changes. I am beginning to get too lazy to point out all of your mistakes (but this is a first draft, so don’t get all caught up in that; also, let’s not forget that I’m the master of laziness lol).
  7. One more: when you’re writing time, you write it like: “9:00” and not “9”. I know what you meant, but it could be confusing.

So um I can see that you’re nineteen (maybe that’s fake, idk) but your characters are very unrealistic. Usually, teenage boys don’t act like that. Sure, they smoke joints and stuff, but usually they don’t have it in their pocket ready to come out. Actually, in many stories that I read, people use brownies to hide the fact that it’s actually that stuff (I’m not saying it on here. I’m typing this on a school computer as well). They also sound too formal and different; usually, friends sound a little like each other. They adapt the same habits and mannerisms as their friends to seem closer together. Actually, what you did is a very common problem in books—people want their characters to be different, so they make them have super different personalities that are unrealistic.

You also introduced the Ouija board really early on in the story. I personally think that this chapter could, instead of introducing the main idea right away, be more exposition-y—maybe it includes some more interactions with all of the characters to show how close they really are, and to get a read on their personality a bit more.

As Weirdo said, there was a lot of dialogue. This usually turns readers off of the story. No one wants to read just dialogue. Where’s the description? Maybe, in your passage about Darwin and Lamarch complaining about the heat, put something about how Lamarch shook his head or some other description. Showing, not telling, is also the key here. Here’s how I’d write the passage, in my own writing style:

”Yeah dude! It’s practically scorching the ground!” Darwin started. He was about to say something else, but Lamarch interrupted him, earning a playfully annoyed glance from his best friend.

“And my skin,” Lamarch said, shaking his head.


See? That’s a lot more description and it’s quite obvious what they’re feeling right now. With Darwin, it was a bit telling, but with Lamarch, it was showing. I think that a balance between the two is best for what you’re trying to achieve. Whenever I read a horror novel (read: Stephen King), there’s a lot of description to build up suspense in the story. In fact, Stephen King includes, in my opinion, too much description; too much description is better than too little.

Anyways, take all of that with a grain of salt.

this review was brought to you by zaminami, keeper of souls and ruler of the universe.

{insert non-existant banner here}




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Wed Aug 22, 2018 9:06 am
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TheWeirdoFromBeyond wrote a review...



This is Weirdo, here for a review. Please know that nothing in this review is meant to offend you or your story. This is just my opinion, you and other readers and reviewers could disagree. I will try not to repeat anything said by other reviewers. That being said, let us get into this review.

Grammar/Typos/Word check/Spell check/Sentence formation

"Yeah, dude! It's scorching the ground---"said Darwin but Lamarch interrupted, "...and my skin."

The way you have framed this is a bit confusing, try something more like this-
"Yeah, dude! It's scorching the ground---" Darwin started, but was interrupted.
"And my skin," said Lamarch.


"Guys, stop fighting now" Lamarch forwned, "Is this how we will waste our precious holidays?"

*frowned

"I got a-----"he continued but soon was interrupted.

add a space before 'he'
add a comma after continued

Lamarch guessed, "New i-phone," broadening his chest in confidence. His voice was sweet, of course it has to be sweet to be a great singer. His way of playing guitar was as beautiful as his singing.

*of course, it
*the guitar

"So we'll meet here in the parking and we'll go together at my room here, 7:30 tonight." declared Richie.

*in

Richie opened the door of his house. Pale yellow light flashed up on their faces as they stepped in. Gothy was about to switch the lights on, when everyone yelled at him, asking him not to spoil the mood by doing so.

*upon

"Plee don' get ttoned", Gothy's mouth was full of chips,"Od inttead of cawing the ppirit, we'll haddoo get yo' high down."

There are many typos in this sentence, try correcting them.

I also realised you haven't ended some quotations with a comma, though you were supposed to, like here-
"Maybe" Gothy whispered.

I could point out more, but while editing this, I want you to realise where you should add them.

What else?
This chapter has a lot of dialogue, and that makes it kinda like a script. Try adding more description, since that will make the story better.

Hope this review helps and looking forward to reviewing more from you.
-Weirdo :D




Eros says...


Hey!! Thanks for the Review!

Yeah, I got the typos and the punctuation and other things now...

But actually, "Plee don' get ttoned", Gothy's mouth was full of chips,"Od inttead of cawing the ppirit, we'll haddoo get yo' high down." This one was intended. Like ...Gothy was eating the chips, so the chips were in his mouth and he was talking lol ...





Oh! My bad, overlooked the chips part, lol



Eros says...


:D I like talking to you...





Me too :D



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LanaOverland wrote a review...



Hey,

A recap to make sure I'm getting the details straight: Three teens, sorry four teens decide to play with a Ouijia Board (this will end well).

I tend to go with a line by line review so these are the quotes that stood out to me while I was reading:

"mocked lightly."----Consider rephrasing

"Afterall their dead, boring holidays were going to get alive with the thrill."----I’ve read this sentence over and over again and it’s still not quite making sense. I think its that the narrator seems to be predicting their future? At first it was the holidays part, but I gather you just mean the summer holidays like they say in the UK. Maybe it’s the phrase “get alive with the thrill?”

"They made up the plan and decided to meet at Richie's apartment."----Why didn’t we just start at Richie’s apartment with the Waluigi Board? Don't get me wrong, it's fine if you want to set up the process of obtaining the board and who the characters are, but in this scene you're basically just saying "Hey guys I have a Ouija Board" and a lot of your character details are in the next scene anyway.

"the dog of Richie's neighbour was"----Weird way of saying Richie’s neighbor’s dog.

"He touched his hair, habitually. He loved his soft and straight hair... I swear, he looked the most handsome boy in the pale light of the candles."----This is an odd place to put character description like this. You’re leading into a conversation about the Ouija Board and by doing this deep dive into Richie’s hair love, you distract from what you really want to be focusing on which is this Ouija Board and the foreshadowing of “do not insult the board or the spirit.” Besides, unless the character detail is relevant to the story or action going on, it’s not really important for the audience to know. This might fit better in the opening section where they’re all just talking, I was having trouble telling each name apart there so adding character details like this would be helpful in getting attached to each of them.

I notice that you don't use dialogue tags before the dialogue. Is there any particular reason for that. You change up the dialogue tags a lot, making them a little more descriptive and dynamic such as "mocked lightly," "Replied with humor," "frowned," "stated with confidence," but you always phrase your sentences in the same order: "dialogue" dialogue tag. You should look for the places where an action would logically come before the dialogue and directly influences how the reader will read the dialogue. For instance, instead of saying "'Do spirits really exist?' Lamarch asked as he took a potato chip in his fingers." (I'm assuming you're mentioning the potato chips to suggest that lamarch isn't all that respectful in the spirit board, he's disinterested, skeptical) If you say "Lamarch reached for the potato chip bag, 'Do spirits really exist?'" This way the audience is going to focus in on the action instead of the question, emphasizing the fact that this isn't a reverent group of players. You may also split dialogue up with your dialogue tags to help integrate character movement in the conversation. For instance, one of the reasons the character detail about Richie and his hair (mentioned above) doesn't work for me so much is because the way it is written now ("Don't make any unnecessary noise. Be calm and do not insult the board or the spirit." He touched his hair, habitually. ) sounds as though Richie is saying this warning and then when he's done touches his hair whereas you probably intended for it to read as though he's doing this while speaking. If you phrase it like this "'Don't make any unnecessary noise.' He touched his hair, 'Be calm and do not insult the board or the spirit.'" In this phrasing the reader will be more likely to place the action correctly in the dialogue and to associate his quirk of touching his hair with the things he's saying (so if this is a nervous habit or a way of showing that he feels in charge, the audience could glean that from the repetition of him touching his hair connected to similar dialogue).

By varying the ways you phrase sentences you'll also cut back on the stuff that's repetitive, like as. Because you place the dialogue first in every sentence you have to show that an action is happening as someone is speaking, so you use as a lot. "said Richie as he threw the cricket bat down," "Lamarch asked as he took a potato chip in his fingers," "Richie said as he shook his head," "Gothy said as he munched on the potato chips." You're also more likely to use more adverbs, which is fine (adverbs are part of language and therefore useful tools that can and should be used), but the problem with adverbs is they tend to all end in -ly, which is a very strong sound that readers will definitely remember hearing and notice the repetition of the sound. (I was going to list examples of how often you use adverbs, but I noticed another thing you tend to do which is connected to the repetition of adverbs) You use "with" a lot. Because you're always characterizing how your characters are stating things in the dialogue tags, you feel the need to vary your word choice (avoiding said) and to use either adverbs or "with something" (again I'd do examples but this paragraph is going on forever). Using the "with something" often has the consequence of having the reader reread the sentence with the adjective applied. I was doing this throughout the piece. Consider this: "'Passes for the Football match!?' Darwin exclaimed with excitement." By re reading the sentence I was momentarily drawn out of the conversation. Now this is a conversation that is happening rapidly with everyone contributing a new joke answer, but by pausing to describe how it was said, the pace slows down drastically. And even though I know, logically, this conversation is happening rapidly, it reads like a normal paced conversation. Reworked you might go with something like "then Darwin, 'Passes for Football match!?" We know by the punctation this is excited and by just going in and saying this is Darwin's turn we know it's Darwin and we know that the characters are sort of taking turns.

I didn't think I'd take this long to explain my thoughts on dialogue tags, my apologizes.

I also wanted to talk about characters, to be honest only two stood out to me: the host Richie (mainly because of the hair thing, I don't think I'd be able to put a name to his character without it so good job on that) and Gothy (because he's the different guest). I would encourage you to spend more time letting us get to know the characters before you jump into plot stuff. Like I said earlier you put some of the character details in pretty late when the focus should be on the Ouija board. I'm interested in seeing what each of these characters has to bring to the table. Why does the game interest them? Are they into other spooky stuff? Why are they kind of burn-outs? Are any of them closer to one friend than the others? Do they live alone? What's their relationship to people outside the group? Do they all have the same manner of speaking? Is one more likely to crack jokes than the others? They're playfully mean to each other, but why do they like each other?

Sorry this got long, when I get on a topic I tend to want to be as specific as possible so you know what to look out for and why I feel it's important, so don't feel like I think you're dumb because I'm explaining things that seem really obvious like "you can split dialogue into two sections." Like yeah, no shit. I more so want to explain why you might do it and what it actually does. I don't know if it helps, but good luck on the rest of your story.




Eros says...


Hey there, LanaOverLand!! This was a GREAT review. I loved your suggestions for improvement and I am trying to edit this part and the next before I write further...

Thanks a LOT for such a helpful review!! I am surely gonna improve upon writing now xD



Eros says...


I have edited this one, but I don't think I am much successful. But I'll improve gradually :D




I don't care what the miserable excuse is for showing the death of books, live, on screen. Men, I could understand; but books! -
— Edwin Morgan, From the Video Box 2