You'd seem so stunning.

by Eraqio

  • Poetry
  • Lyrical

Published March 20, 2009

In Speakeasies

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Just a let down chelsie without a smile to call her own.

She never was much for words, and usually a sigh accompanied a stranger's moan.

Does it mean much to you if I'm the gentleman with the lying smile or the beggar with the healing words?

Now say, honey, that I'm not perfect, but at least I'll bust my ass to just come close.

Now say, honey, that we cant make it and I'll go calmly into the rain.

Another night alone, with not but the rats and roaches to keep me company, I'm still better off than most, all locked up in their perfumed rooms.

I know who I am, I'm just a nobody, but when your a somebody and everyone else is taking stabs at who you are, well then I guess I come out on top.

She never was much for words, and occasionally her coughs sent forth a vivid red.

Consumption and assumptions are tanamount to suffocation; we'll all drown in our petty circumstances unless someone pulls us up from the brink.

Chelsie's smile doesnt waver, at least not any more; the double edged peeler with the serrated edges ensured that she'd always be in on the joke.

Now say, honey, that I'm not perfect, but at least I'll bust my ass to just come close.

Now say, honey, to the coroner exactly what happened in exact detail.

I'm dancing with my tail between my legs, just a whimpering hound thats been beaten beyond all recognition, so sweetie can I be left to lick my wounds and nurse my bruises?

A dainty jam blasted out of the loudest voice in the room, baby I know your not listening but what I cant see I dont know and what I dont know doesnt hurt me.

Now say, honey, that I'm not perfect, but at least I'll bust my ass to just come close.

Now say, honey, that you diddnt make it, and your dead on arrival.

Now say, honey, that I'm not perfect, but at least I'll bust my ass to just come close.

Now say, honey, that you diddnt make it, and I'll lay roses on your grave.

Now say, honey, that I'm not perfect...

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
Evi
Review
Evi wrote a review Review · Mar 21, 2009

I know who I am, I'm just a nobody, but when your a someone and everyone else is taking stabs at who you are, well then I guess I come out on top.


I agree with June that this 'someone' should be 'somebody'-- it flows better when you had 'nobody' earlier in the line.

Consumption and assumptions are tanamount to suffocation, we'll all drown in our petty circumstances unless someone pulls us up from the brink.


Comma should be semi-colon.

Chelsie's smile doesnt waver, at least not any more, the double edged peeler with the serrated edges ensured that she'd always be in on the joke.


After 'more', that comma should be a semi-colon also. :wink:

Now say, honey, that I'm not perfect, but at least I'll bust my ass to just come close.


Ahh! The profanity burns! :roll: Just kidding. Despite my strict morals and general dislike of any words worse than 'darn', I liked this sentence.

Now say, honey, to the coroner exactly what happened in exact detail.


You forgot a word, first of all. Also, I don't really like your repetition of 'exact'. See how you used it twice in one line? That tends to stifle what little rhythmic flow you have; since you haven't set up a steady beat, your words and phrasing have to make up for that to create a smoother feel.

I'm dancing with my tail between my legs, just a whimpering hound thats been beaten beyond all recognition, so sweetie can I be left to lick my wounds and nurse my bruises, [s]my cut up eyes arent up for much tearing.[/s]


Oh, but darling, isn't this line ever so long? I'd just chop off the last part, if I were you. And perhaps change the 'sweetie' to 'honey' to fit in with the rest of the poem?

A dainty jam blasted out of the loudest voice in the room, baby I know your not listening but what I cant see I dont know and what I dont know doesnt hurt me.


Sure, poetry is abstract-- but here, I've no earthly idea what you mean, :? How does jam relate to things he doesn't see now hurting him?

:arrow: So! I liked this, actually. You can write some very interesting and unique poetry, you realize that? your grammar, however, was bordering on atrocious-- honestly, would it really be that terrible to read through the poem once or twice before posting? For example, you put no apostrophes in the contractions, and some lines were run on sentences or poorly punctuated. I know that YWS is to fix mistakes, but some things can be fixed on your own with a quick re-read. Ta?

:arrow: Your had to flow, no rhythm, but oddly enough, this didn't bother me as it normally does. I am a rhyming and rhythm addict, and I adore poetry that has a concrete scheme and really rolls off the tongue evenly. Although this didn't, you helped tie together your poem by repetition (which was lovely, by the way) and a nice message. I tell people that there are only four things holding a poem together-- rhythm, rhyme, words, and meaning. I've found that when people sacrifice any of those, the poem doesn't work unless they manage to balance it out by really making their meaning wonderful. I think you've acheived that.

Good luck with your writing! ^_^

~Evi

P.S. OMG! You got June, the nicest member ever, to growl! :wink:

User avatar
Evi
Comment
Evi commented Comment · Mar 21, 2009

Double-post. Oops. :oops: Ignore this, and continue down to the critique below.

~Evi

User avatar
Juniper
Review
Juniper wrote a review Review · Mar 21, 2009

Hi Eraqio! June here :).

Yay, more work from you! Let's begin!

(I actually think I should begin with my disappointment... you didn't PM me when you posted this! *growls*)

Let's take a stab:

Just a let down chelsie without a smile to call her own.


The c in Chelsie should be capitalized. ;)


I know who I am, I'm just a nobody, but when your a someone and everyone else is taking stabs at who you are, well then I guess I come out on top.


Your here should be you're, dear. :)


Also, the "someone" that follows sounded a little bit better when I read it as somebody. ;)

Consumption and assumptions are tanamount to suffocation


Do you mean tantamount, dear? :)



my cut up eyes arent up for much tearing.


arent should be aren't. :)

baby I know your not listening but what I cant see I dont know and what I dont know doesnt hurt me.


Should be:

baby I know you're not listening, but what I can't see, I don't know, and what I don't know doesn't hurt me.


=D

Now say, honey, that you diddnt make it, and your dead on arrival.


diddnt should be didn't.



Now say, honey, that you diddnt make it, and I'll lay roses on your grave.




*squee* I loved this!


I like how in a sense, it's coming from the point of view (forgive me if I'm not wording this right-- my mind is jumbly) of an imperfect person.

I absolutely love the structure here, too. The long lines with the spacing totally gave a nice effect to this.

And, I absolutely loved the repetition of "Now say honey". It made this poem all the sweeter!

Well done, dear. Keep it up!

(and, please, PM me when you post something new? :D)

xJune



If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
— Anatole France