Don't you care to know, how old Tommy's doing these days?
Well last week he was gunned down by his namesake.
It was a pretty little murder, with Hollywood trimmings,
Some poetic justice this turned out to be.
Bedside apologies never amount to nothing,
there was a time when we never thought we would cry.
Let me in, lets all crash the hell out of this somber occasion,
there's no peace for the living lets give the dead a taste
They're dressed so fine, the undertaker cracked his fingers,
with the care a father gives a child.
And their cologne, courtesy the county coroner
was the century's best Formaldehyde.
The Pyre-men all disapprove but their loving smiles just help the mood,
the reaper's signature filling all of the guest registry.
I'm a liar, tell the kaiser that I never singlehandedly
took on the world.
The stars are falling all around me,
tunnel vision being a comfort tonight.
On my deathbed I call out, "Senor Muerte...
I dealt my hand now turn out the light."
The wick is smoldering, the room's too dark,
the dead man took the evening off
and Death just might.
Never mind his workload today,
I guess the western front will just have to wait.
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140,885 Literary Works • 673,697 Reviews
So, Eric! June here!
I'm just going to come in and repeat what everyone else said, kay? It was written in a strangely unique way and was ultimately refreshing.
Done.
I truly enjoyed the organization in this, Eric. I dare say that your punctuation is a bit iffy (few misplaced commas, no quotation marks and blah, miniature stuff) but, that has nothing to do with the actual poem. Like CK Lynn said, the voice that this is told in is absolutely wonderful. Sort of careless, but touching on all of the small important things. Very clever, Eric.
Making mention of the cologne and the dress of the dead gave this a creepy, but wonderful touch. =) Wonderful work on this, keep it up.
(I truly don't have much to say about this; it was wonderful and warrants a gold star)
Juniper
Wow. Like CK Lynn said, this was written in a strange way, but it was done uniquely. I like the imagery, the choice of words and the tone of this poem. I cannot find any major error with it and I think you did a really good job.
I'm looking forward to more. Keep up the good work!
What an strange poem (in a good way).I love the sort of cavalier, smart-aleck voice its told in, as well as the imagery. That said, in the second verse, it would flow much better if you changed the comma after nothing to a periond and capitalized There. and in the second line of the third verse, it would flow better if you put a comma after living and a period at the end.
9/10
wow, this poem is great!
It really is quite refreshing. It's so different, and definitely well written
I love how it turns out that you are actually the one dying ( um, not that I want you to die, or anything haha ) at the end and everything. I especially like the first stanza, great opening
The only thing I would frown on is the rhythm, but that's just me.... oh, and one more thing.. you, eh, well, you started rhyming randomly near the end of the poem whereas you didn't in the rest of it. Hmm, maybe I'm just overlooking it though. I'll run through it again.
All in all, beautiful work, you've got awesome talent! I don't think I could ever write something so well.
-ash
That was certainly different to the poetry I'm use too and, as such, it was actually quite refreshing.
I was a bit confused at certain points though
The description was very good and I couldn't help but feel that it wasn't as serious as I had originally thought it would be.
A job well done and keep going