See the set up in the false wares store?
What you get there you'll want some more,
its a hollow feeling that everyone loves to buy.
Dig into your checkbook sir, I'm sure that they've got something for "Her"
Regardless of it's price, its just another affordable vice.
We'll keep quiet, so long as you buy...
Spend
Spend
Spend, the night away.
Try
Cry
Die, within these marked up lives that we all adore.
Mend
Bend
End, the way that we conduct ourselves among the affluence.
Fill
Spill
Kill, the wine glass placed up on the ballroom floor.
Orphans, out on the street, Vagrants, filling up all the wayward homes.
Violence, doesn't let you sleep, But the liquor laced with cyanide
is sure to get you beat.
"Die
Die,
Die" shouts the Shylock with the 45,
"Zim
Zam,
Zim" cries the violin with the street corps composer,
My
My
My, there's alot going on in shady places every Sunday.
We can all turn a blind eye and stab the other one out.
Come and see the snake oil vendor pointing out all his tricks,
and the G-man doesn't even seem to notice the charm that he's laying on thick.
Smash the doors in...
oh my, oh Lord, oh no, wheres the decency?
oh my, oh Lord, oh no, the party's bleeding out this is the end for sure.
I'll call shotgun, they'll shout foul play, we went through this yesterday.
They'll buy lawyers, we'll send lady callers, reputations are as toxic as DDT.
There innocent of every charge, with the exception of hilarity,
In the storefront, they've pinned up,
Everything, everything must go!
"Ladumm, ladumm ladee, ladumm" (Hummed slowly behind)
And if your debts are too much, we'll find ways to make you pay.
Loved ones, rich ones, they're all so great, we'll just charge them too!
THEY'LL PAY!
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140,890 Literary Works • 673,702 Reviews
Hi! Music- here as requested!
(I'm not too great at poetry, but I'll give yours a try!)
Okay, so the poem really made me think. You should know that.
I think that it got just a bit choppy at times, and the rhyme seemed a bit forced when you did rhyme. But perhaps that's okay, if that's what you were going for. If not, make sure you choose words that flow and fit the type of poem you're writing.
My favorite lines were these, by the way:
It just gives such a message, as does the rest of your poem. Your concept here is wonderful, and I really liked the tone your poem gave off. Perhaps avoid those caps, though.
I think that while the concept was wonderful, as was your tone, you could work a bit on connecting the stanzas and making the poem seem like one, jointed thing as a whole. Work on that rhythm and flow, and you've got yourself a great poem!
I'm sorry I couldn't be of more assistance! Poetry isn't my thing...
Love,
Music
Hiya! Here as requested!
The bolded "its" or "it's" need to be switched. Ie- "its" becomes "it's" and "it's" becomes "its."
I hope that made sense.
Not quite sure what you mean with these lines. I understand the "Fill/Spill/Kill" bit, but the wine glass went over my head. It seems to go better with "spill" than "kill."
Actually, I think that would sound a lot better if "kill" and "spill" were switched. Then it would be more like a chain of events. ^_^
This, and most of your ending, was just chilling. It really makes you think, and it ties things in really nicely. Very nice work!
~~
Flow- It can be choppy at times, especially after the a bunch of single lines, but in some way, it just works. It draws the eye towards the more thought provoking aspects of this poem, which is what you want. Other then those lines, everything flowered perfectly. Very, very well done.
Word choice- You're extremely careful with your words here, and it has served you well. Every image we get is thought-provoking and moves the poem along. It might have taken me a few times of reading to fully understand it all, but I read poems over and over anyway.
Theme: Wonderfully dark. It shows the almost presteen surface of the underground, and the rotten truth behind it, without being in your face. I find this has just the right amount of cute rhymes to make it readable, but the words make it deep. Amazing work.
Overall: Even though I was slow to fully understand this poem, after reading about it and thinking about it, I just loved it. This poem hits you somewhere in the heart and is a blank statement of the shady part of town.
*Gold star*
Questions? PM me.
~Rosey
Hi Eraqio!
. They make me think... a lot.
. So, having the unconnected feel in this gives it a sort of cold/harsh feeling, reflecting the atmosphere of your subject.
This was rather interesting to read. I like your usage of onomatopoeia throughout this, dear. The repetition of some of the words created a nice, rhythmic effect, as well.
I noticed that in your poetry and writing, you have more of... I can't find the right word, but like, Urban-street-style? I enjoy that alot, it's really cool, because the audience can get a taste and feel of (for lack of a better word) street life.
Not to mention, your poems always have a slightly extreme level to them
As for this poem, the stanzas and words in this feel a little bit unconnected-- that's not a problem at all, because it's seemingly reflecting the characters of a pawnshop, and as far as I'm concerned, pawnshops aren't nice places
Anyway! I can't find much more to say (other than I really enjoyed it) and I can't find any suggestions to make. Keep up the good work, dear.
June