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Young Writers Society



Too low to feel low anymore.

by Eraqio


The worst is yet to come.
Your casket's almost done.
Life wont ever keep you young,
baby teeth from bitter sons.

We're planted too soon, last year's winter yet to fall.
It never snows here, but we're chilled all the same.

The worst is yet to come.
Your casket's almost done.
Life wont ever keep you young,
baby teeth from bitter sons.

The sun's no pretty thing when its all you know,
no warmth can reach us here, down in the valley.
Roadside roses for those we dont miss,
settle down and calm yourself.

The worst is yet to come.
Your casket's almost done.
Life wont ever keep you young,
baby teeth from bitter sons.

You hope that you can smile without faith,
slow your roll and take a breath now, son.

We've fallen hard from lower places,
6 feet down, we wont find any silver.
Limestone coats the walls of your grave,
it all worked out,
you and your kingdom finally come.

The worst is yet to come.
Your casket's almost done.
Life wont ever keep you young,
baby teeth from bitter sons.

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User avatar
94 Reviews

Points: 8671
Reviews: 94

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Mon Feb 15, 2010 11:55 pm
Pacific_Sky14 wrote a review...



Oh wow I love the fourth verse! That was amazing! You write very good! I don't see anything wrong with this...it was pretty nice when I read it. It was soft and yet very meaningful1 :)




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896 Reviews

Points: 240
Reviews: 896

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Thu Feb 11, 2010 2:59 am
PenguinAttack wrote a review...



You Edited!

So, I'm going to give you another review and put my old one in a spoiler. I don't want to get rid of it entirely, because you may want to (at some point) look at it again, to watch what your next lyrics do!

This version is much better than before, it feels longer, more full. I feel like it'll be a good length for a song and it has a meaning that I can see. I know you said you didn't change much, but the changes were excellent. Nice work.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.


Spoiler! :
As I mentioned on your other lyrics, I like that one more. That's not very encouraging, I know, but I do know why I like the other one more and hopefully this review will be much more helpful than the other one.

You seem to have gone to great pains to rhyme here, I'd suggest you reverse all that, the rhyme is taking away from the lyrics. They make the lines sound childish, a little weak, while I know - as from your other lyrics - you can do much better than that. This also has less substance, I'm left wondering what it was about and even though I've read it a few times it's entirely forgettable.

I'd suggest trying it a little more naturally, give it some room to breathe and expand on what you have here - minus the rhyme. I think you have a good base, but it needs to feel like more before I can have a real opinion on it. I know you can do this, most certainly, because I've seen you do it. The question is how, as I've said I'd expand; your verses could stand to be longer, compared to your chorus, as your chorus takes up all the space right now. When something takes up all the space, it also takes up all the attention. Your chorus is central and important, but it should be more memorable, and it shouldn't drown your verses.

If you change this, please tell me, I'd love to look at it again. I know you can make this much better than it is, I look forward to the end product.





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