Mother she wont smile for me,
most days she wont even sleep.
Some nights I swear that I can feel her drying bones,
eyes always open and heart so cold.
Mother tells us its alright, then sighs while she beats the night;
another day to try and keep herself alive.
I'm no doctor, but I swear she's dead.
Headshrinks wont tell you what I've got to say,
the man that tore her life in two is the one who planted me,
too many questions left for musing.
Do you love me?
I try, my dear.
Do you want me?
You have his eyes, but I'll get by.
Young at heart but older than sin, we dont know where her life has been,
crying all damn night for some tit to suckle, all we got were some misguided knuckles,
its alright ma, we dont care, just stay there and rot in your chair.
Mother she wont smile for me,
most days she wont even sleep.
Some nights I swear that I can feel her drying bones,
eyes always open and heart so cold.
Mother tells us its alright, then sighs while she beats the night;
another day to try and keep herself alive.
I found a dollar pinned to my old shoes this morning, the door gone, the sunlight growing,
dearest mother was gone like last year, and now it's me who's still waiting here.
We all grow up now with a weight tied to our legs, Ma and Dad just floating on the wind.
Ma and Dad, just floating on the wind,
just floating on the wind,
my mind wont let thoughts in,
memory's only kin.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,418 Literary Works • 674,396 Reviews
What genre of music were these lyrics written for?
The integrity of the lyrics is something to be proud of, constantly strong imagery and an overall firm rhythm. I love the line, 'Some nights I swear that I can feel her drying bones, eyes always open and heart so cold'. The emotion you've embodied is intense, some of the lines hold such despair it's unreal.
I do wonder if the title links into the lyrics, if it does I would love to know the connection.
'I'm no doctor, but I swear she's dead.
Headshrinks wont tell you what I've got to say,
the man that tore her life in two is the man I owe my life to,
too many questions left for me.'
This is the only bit I wasn't fond of, and soley due to the rhythm, if you could even out the beat in these two lines, it'd be virtually flawless.
'I found a dollar pinned to my old shoes this morning, the door gone, the sunlight growing, dearest mother was gone like last year, and now it's me who's still waiting here.' Epic. That's the only way to describe these lines.
All that needs to be done to this is maybe just work a bit on getting the entire body of lyrics flowing, but then again, without the music behind it, who can tell if the rythms not perfect apart from you. Well done.
I'd really appreciate an actual critique ...
I like it I don't get the title Life after death is like love before sex???
Hi Era!
This is much better than the other one I read. Mainly, I feel, because this one has more substance. I felt something here, while reading this - it is almost a poem and if you wanted to clean it up a little/shorten it, it could be a glorius poem.
I find reviewing lyrics hard because you never really know how it will go with music. But I get a feeling from this, and it's one I like. I do think it should be a little tighter; your ending lacks any punch and I think some of your lines are a little long toward the end, although this is mostly formatting.
I do, however, really like this. Reading it again, I think I love it. If you change it at all - I know, my review has been greatly useless - please tell me, I'd love to read it. I'd particularly love to hear it.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.