Young Writers Society

This is the piece I really wanted to take a look at.

First of all, the title is really weird. Okay, most of this poem is really weird. But that makes it interesting and intriguing and I want to dig into it and find out what could be better so you can make this a stellar piece.

It seems like, in both this and the other piece I just reviewed, that you like skipping from topic to topic sometimes. This work especially seems to move from one idea to the next, which reminds me of a ghazal (a type of poem where the stanzas are connected by meter or rhyme rather than content). The first time I read a ghazal I went 'what the heck!?', and that's kind of what I did with this work. That's not to say I didn't like it. I just don't know if that was your intent.

Assuming that was not your intent, here's some advice.

Save me one last kiss.

In my interpretation of the first stanza, this line doesn't fit. It seems overused compared to the other ones, and the other ones make sense. 'Kill me in your dreams' is kind of like 'stop thinking about me and let me go', which is how I'm trying to make sense of your poem. I think this line could probably just be removed.

What shoes did I wear?

Was I wearing my Sunday's best?

A birthday suit would look so serene.

I never felt good in my skin.

This stanza is weird. It's like it sticks in my throat and doesn't want to come out. The first line is okay, I guess. Some curiosity, but sticking in a stupid phrase like 'Sunday's best' ruins the novelty of what you're building. Same with 'birthday suit'. They're words that you automatically stick together, and I don't like them here.

Words escape, when family come to stay.

Laid out under the stars and over my grave.



I'm six feet down and every cloud in the sky.

I don't get the first line here. But the other two are really thought-evoking. I think that's what I liked about this piece, though some might think it's really annoying, that you gave us new phrases that had a meaning we couldn't quite catch, like this person gets to experience things that we can't, and I think that fits really well with the theme. But I didn't get the point behind the first line, and if you were trying to make an image, that didn't come to me either.

Overall, Eraqio, this is really nice. I enjoy the supernatural element of the way you describe things, the wishes of the narrator that you express, and beautiful lines like

but the heat of you all keeps me up at night.

This is a great piece, and it just needs a little more focus to make it more accessible.

Thank you! Let me know if you have any questions. :]

-Hannah-