The day she wakes will be a great day, for she's been asleep with her eyes open. She fell asleep the day she left him. She loved him and he loved her more then anyone thought he could, but she was tired. She thought she could stay awake but couldn't. Then she left him to go into the dark to sleep. Yes her body still moves still goes through the motions, but she is empty...sleeping a shell of her usually being. It's okay though he understands and he stays awake while she slowly falls back asleep. One day he'll wake her when she is being ignorant listening to everyone else s opinions and ignoring her own which is how her slumber began. Yes she left the love of her life and he dealt with the heartbreak. After she wakes though and sees him alright awake and sturdy; she'll be alone slowly realizing what she did wrong as many take her place. He of course will go through never finding her awake; truly awake
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140,819 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hey there, Enflicted!
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I really liked how you used sleeping to reflect on the way this girl is unaware of what she's truly doing, because that's exactly how you are when you're asleep. You're detached from the world, unaware of what's going on around you, yet there's a small part of you that's still there, kind of knowing where you are but kind of not, you know? And I think this highly relates to the MC in here.
But I've got to agree with the reviewer below me; the big block of words were a little hard to read. I'd advise splitting it up a little more, at least in two separate paragraphs to make it a little easier on the eyes. I get that its one paragraph and we may just sound like complainers, but you've got some long, intricate sentences in here, so I think it's best to split it. Also, speaking of sentences, some of them could use a little work. The main one I saw was your opening sentence. It was interesting, yeah, but I feel it could add a better punch and become a better hook if it was phrased differently. Right now, your hook ("She's been asleep with her eyes open"), is at the end, and the sentence before it kind of dulls it out. Honestly, I think you should move "She's been asleep with her eyes open" to the front instead so that it hits the reader as soon as they open the story, thus hooking them to read the rest (if you've got any questions about this, let me know because I don't think I explained it right
Here are some others for your consideration:
I think you meant usual here, but I'd omit the word altogether to make the sentence more concise.
I saw that you had a lot of sentences that ran on like this. This is what makes it a little hard on the eyes and lowers the readability of the piece. I'd advise editing it. Here's an example: It's okay though, since he understands. He stays awake while she slowly falls back to sleep.
(And another thing with this sentence: isn't she already figuratively asleep? So there's no point in repeating that she's falling asleep, right?)
I hope I made some sense there. Please let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like me to clarify anything, and I hope you have a great day/night. c:
Hi! Holographic Ladybug here for a short review!
Ok, first, I want to get this out of the way: I found your story a little hard to read because it was just one big block of words.
Ok, now that I'm done with that, let's get to some more positive things!
This is a good metaphor. (Wait, is it a metaphor? I dunno.)
It's sort of weird, but sort of cool how you have put things together. Especially with the 'shell' part of it all.
What a unique piece of writing!
Never stop writing!
-Holographic Ladybug
Very good piece of writing, the way you made it sound and how you perceived the whole thing is great. I really can't find anything i would change about it! Great job.